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Thread: Heard horrible news about Ex

  1. #1
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    Heard horrible news about Ex

    My first love, first girlfriend broke up with me a year ago. Ever since, i went NC without closure, without knowing the sort of person she had become. The last year had been so up and down, at first it was ok, i was working on myself, the pain was still there but i thought it would fade. Fast forward to now, i was still not over her and i kept pining for her, thinking of all the what ifs, thinking she was the one and that we weren't over, thought everything was meaningless without her, i was depressed. I am 19 and she is 20.
    2 nights ago, i got a phone call from her, in my weak mental state i picked up the phone. What she told me was so traumatising, my brain is still processing it all and it has been horrible. Turns out she got into a rebound relationship with a guy that abused and hit her, she became a full fledged drug addict hooked on cocaine and heroin, and on top of it all, she is now a stripper.

    Hearing all this about someone you really care about and frankly that you still love and wanted back, it was the worst pain i have ever felt, the sadness, guilt, jealousy it all just hit at once. She was so innocent when she dated me, didn't touch drugs or anything.
    The messed up part is that i think it was the final step i needed to move on. I saw the person she is now, and i dont want her back, i can't help her either. I felt like i finally got that last bit of closure i needed. I was also prescribed lexapro by my GP to help with the thoughts.

    I want people to see this post and learn from it, do not go NC until you are sure the person has well and truly moved on from you, otherwise you will waste a year pining for someone that doesn't exist.

  2. #2
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    My ex moved on emotionally even before breaking up with me. It still hurts, hurts af. I still miss and think about him, but intensity is low. It isn't affecting my day to day activities like it had. He broke up with me at the end of April but I kept on trying till mid July and since then I am on NC.

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    I would have gone to her to try to save her, if she needed saving. Move her home, get her away from the abusive boyfriend, free her of that environment. Help to rehabilitate her. I'm sure she called you to reach out for help. I guess you didn't feel that way.

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    Nothing i could do, its her life, i told her that she should have moved back home, she tried and failed. It hurts to see but there is nothing i can do but move on for my own mental well being.

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    Originally Posted by bennymate
    Nothing i could do, its her life, i told her that she should have moved back home, she tried and failed. It hurts to see but there is nothing i can do but move on for my own mental well being.
    You did the best thing for you and for her. Rescuing someone would only cause a world of hurt. maybe the fact that you won't rescue her will propel her into action

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    He cannot help her. She is a drug addict now, only an even lower blow may get her out of this lifestyle or she will die. Regardless, do not keep in contact with her. These people tend to sponge off of anyone they can get to join their pity party.

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    You did the right thing by not inviting her back into your life. You have saved yourself from a lot of pain. Good for you to have such a good head on your shoulders!

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    I completely understand the idea that one shouldn't get sucked into the void of other people's mistakes. Even more so if there is emotional hurt.

    However, there might have been something you could do to help, like reaching out to someone else for her, taking her to an appointment to get help. You'd draw a line of course.

    You loved her and pined for her but despite all that you don't want to help at all and apparently see this episode purely as a lesson to not pine for someone in no contact mode in case they become unattractive and you've wasted your time.

    I don't know, this post makes me sad, and not for the reason you suggest.

    In any event, this whole NC thing has become some kind of movement, and seems to be used by some as a way of making themselves more appealing to the person who dumped them. Well, no. Not contacting may have that effect, but it's to help people to move on, not to pine.

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    I totally agree with you that NC should be used to move on and not for the sake of "mind games".

    Initially when i started my NC journey i wanted her out of my head but for some reason couldn't shake her, i wasn't doing it to get her back. In the end, she broke up with me, she lied to me towards the end of the relationship and treated me horribly, I was emotionally abused and didn't realise it. She wanted me back in her life as a "best friend", but as much as i would love to do that and be there for her and help her through this horrible time, i cant. I haven't got the emotional maturity to deal with it all, i'm only 19 and i consider myself a sensitive guy. Its not my responsibility to help a person that shattered my heart into pieces.

    I pray that she goes down the right track, i let her know how sad i am to hear about her life, but i had to cut ties again, i can't have that in my life, i've got my own s*** to worry about. I think the really sad part is that i wish i never met her in the first place, that's how much emotional trauma she has caused me in the past 2 years.

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    Originally Posted by caro33
    I completely understand the idea that one shouldn't get sucked into the void of other people's mistakes. Even more so if there is emotional hurt.

    However, there might have been something you could do to help, like reaching out to someone else for her, taking her to an appointment to get help. You'd draw a line of course.

    The actions of someone with White Knight Syndrome would do that. ^

    The most he should do is give her the links to where she can get the help she needs to straighten herself out. The rest is up to her.

    You loved her and pined for her but despite all that you don't want to help at all and apparently see this episode purely as a lesson to not pine for someone in no contact mode in case they become unattractive and you've wasted your time.
    Someone with good personal boundaries in place and a good sense of what is in their best emotional interests would do that. ^ Helping her is beyond his capabilities. She needs professionals for that.

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