middle distance relationship - how long can it last?

I am relatively new to this forum and posted over on the 'general' forum back in early Sep. about how my girlfriend (of 4 months) seemed to be pulling back affection-wise because I was smothering her. She asked for some room and I finally gave it to her. This seems to have helped rekindle some of the affection/passion. My follow-on questions have more to do with how much time we actually spend together. I don't believe my situation counts as a long-distance relationship. In fact, I've read that it is more of a 'middle-distance' relationship. She lives about 60 miles from me (same state). Since the 'pull-back', we typically spend the weekends together. I go there Fri. night and leave Mon. morning. I go back Mon. night after work, but only for an hr. or so to take my dog to a training class near her place, but I do not stay with her Mon. night. She seems to like to have the weeknights to herself to go to the gym, do laundry, watch TV, etc.

My first question:

1. Are there any key tips to managing a 'weekend-only' relationship? As much as I'd like to see more of her, we hit a bumpy patch in Aug-Sep due to too much time together, so I'm almost afraid to ask her out on a date in the middle of the week (even though when we first started dating we would go out mid-week, but I wasn't spending my weekends with her)

When we re tighter on the weekends, I am on cloud-9, especially after giving her back the space she wanted. But during the week, I miss her more than I should. I know it's unhealthy, and I've never experienced this before. I feel like I am thinking about her when we are not together, but that she doesn't think about me. I don't know where this insecurity comes from. We text back and forth a little during the day, and speak on the phone each night.

2. How do I manage the separation anxiety which I've never experienced before, or the feeling that the other shoe will drop?

A couple of key factors about my situation.

• We are a mature couple (both 50, divorced)
  
• She is a very independent woman
  
• We were in a brief (2 month) relationship about 4 yr. ago, but she was seeing another guy at the same time and ultimately broke up with me for him
  
• She was the one who re-initiated the contact with me in May of this year
  

Do you think that your insecurity stems quite legitimately from the fact that she had previously discarded you for a better option from her perspective? It would appear that you are kind of her second choice and that's not going to make anyone feel good deep down and doesn't exactly build security and confidence in a relationship.

At the same time, clinging on is not going to resolve the above and, as you can see, she'll just push you away.

Also, spending every single weekend like that together is kind of straining. No doubt there are other things she'd like to do as well and there should be other things YOU should want to do also. It might be a really good idea to actually switch things up every now and then. Skip the weekend, meet up during the week here and there, etc. Relationships are better when you don't get into a routine rut and give each other some space to pursue other things - friends, activities, etc.

Every weekend after just 5 months is way too much. I need my own time and space and that would drive me absolutely mad and in fact it did lol

My ex was here every weekend and sometimes days after since he had no job. Well i asked for space and he gave it to me somewhat but for me it wasn't space enough and i ended it.... for many reasons but this was one big one of them! I need my space, my own things, time alone.....

And this was after a 5 year relationship, but after 5 months, you really also need to do your own thing, build it up more slowly...

If she asks for space now, listen to her!!

Appreciate the feedback very much.

On the insecurity issue, I'm certain that is part of it. I have a really hard time accepting that this is a 'real' relationship, though she has not done anything to make me think that she is not happy (not counting what happened 5 yr ago). In fact, most of my friends tell me that she obviously cares about me and wants to be in this relationship based on her actions (see next paragraph).

As far as 'space' goes, I thought 'weekends-only' was giving her space and she really seems to have responded to that. In fact, she thanked me for it a couple of Fridays back. I guess I should clarify and say 'most weekends' but that really does mean just about every one. Over the past month, we spent 3 out of 4 weekends together Fri-Sun. We went to Boston to visit with her sisters, then the following weekend I did not see her as her daughter came in from NYC for a visit; the weekend after that was one of the best weekends of my life; an then this past weekend, we flew down to FL with her adult daughter (21) to spend time with her 95 y/o dad.

On an earlier post, I had "complained" that there seemed to be a lack of intimacy and affection, but as soon as I stopped trying to crowd her, this seems to have returned. Granted it's only been a couple of weeks, but the last couple of weeks were much better than the previous month before. But you think I should still see her even less? Going out during the week is a bit tougher, and I think it is these weeknights she wants to herself. Can I even ask her this question? I have to approach those types of questions very carefully because she has told me that I am very sensitive (which I never was until she came along)

In fact, this past weekend when we were away with her daughter, we were at the hotel bar (the three of us) and her daughter thanked me in tears, because she had not seen her mom this happy in a long time and it was all because of me. Even her mom was crying at that point. I should hold on to that as "proof" that everything is just fine between us, but I cant escape the feeling that the other shoe could drop at any moment. I'm certain that this is just some fiction I've made up in my head that stems from old scars. I've never felt like this before. I've also never been so head over feet in love before. I thought about going to talk to a therapist about this.

Look, you should be able to communicate openly in a healthy relationship without high charged emotions. Right now you are coming across as highly emotionally charged to the point of a bit unhealthy seeming. Speaking to a therapist so you can get grounded might be a good idea. You don't have to be crazy to need some perspective and fine tuning from time to time. It's good that you are recognizing that you are feeling insecure and off in a way that's not good or normal for you.

Going back to communication, it really should be a simple conversation "hey I've got stuff to do next weekend, how do you feel about a date night on Wed?" and then be open to a simple "sounds good or no, sorry zumba night on Wed" and not have any kind of a dramatic reaction to it. If she says that would be good, then you plan something. If she says no, you simply shrug and go "OK well, we'll see each other the week after then." and that's that. Chill out. If she has already complained that you are too sensitive and it makes talking to you difficult...pay attention and work on that. Poor communication is what kills relationships.

The "weekends only" thing is too intense - or your version of it is. you are sleeping over 3 nights and coming back for awhile on a 4th. "weekends only" to me is spending one night or just going on a date on the weekend -- what you call weekends only is living with her half the week. As i think i said in your last thread DATE HER. unless you have special plans to go away together, you are in the routine of being a piece of furniture at her house too early. THe problem is not with seeing her or seeing her during the week but the intensity. If you found a concert or play or even to go to during the week and invited her and didn't spend the night, then saw her 3/4 of the day on a weekend and spent the night and then she had the other day to herself, that's even a good combo. You don't have to say "let's move our date night" or make it a relationship talk - just find something interesting to do and invite her. And then have something to do one day on the weekend to not make it so you are free to see her the whole time. Or try to find something to be involved in on monday nights or sunday nights or friday nights or whatever so you are not so routine yet

When you start dating in your 50s and you are used to your own space and own life, being a couple is an adjustment that takes a little time - sharing a space, etc. I know when we started dating, he was 41 and more set in his ways than if i met him at 25.

couldn't agree with abitbroken more.... it's not the every wkend thing but the Friday evening till Monday morning that is way too much......

My ex did the same and i started dreading the weekends and dreading seeing him. I need my own space and lots of it so i felt smothered and started resenting him for it and for other reasons. Wasn't the only reason i broke up with him but it was the catalyst....

Thank you all. I never even thought of it in those terms, that I am basically 'living' with her for 3 days a week and that might still be too much (or too routine). I guess I was so happy at what seemed to be positive results from pulling back that I thought I was giving her enough 'space', but now reading your responses, I'm less than certain. If I take the approach of mixing it up (weeknight dates are always going to be a challenge, but possible) and not spending entire weekends there, but is this something I just do? Part of me wants to ask her if that's what she wants, but I have a feeling you're all going to say she already told me that and that.

I was going to start trying to change things up, as abitbroken suggested to me on the other forum, and ask her out on occasion during the week, and now I see the logic behind setting aside weekend time for her to do her thing and me to mine. It's this stupid insecurity I wrestle with, and it is only THIS WOMAN that this has ever happened with. I just don't get it. Which is why i need some professional help.

Thanks again. Hearing opinions from neutral parties helps put it in perspective for me.

She will likely call me tonight (we do talk just about every night for a few min.). I am going to be driving to NC (from NJ) tomorrow, but will be back late tomorrow night. I was going to ask her if she wanted me to come there tomorrow night (she lives south of me, so I would sort of drive past her on my way home), but I think I am just going to ask her if she wants to do something on Sat.

Nope. You will be home late and you are not sure what time. Just find something interesting to do on Saturday and suggest that plan.She knows you had a trip planned - don't ask her about Friday. Just talk about Saturday. You can even make a plan starting late in the day. If she asks if you are coming Friday, tell her you don't know what time you will be back form the trip, so are going to go home and go right to bed. Its not too fun waiting and waiting for someone especially if there are traffic delays.

btw, you said you go for dog training near her house on Mondays. Unless you started before you were dating her, that's a bit odd, isn't? btw, where is your dog on the weekends?

Ok. I’ll go with that as the plan. ;-)

I got my pup about 3 weeks after we started dating. He has basically grown up with her and her dog. When I go there on weekends, he comes with me. The two dogs get along really well.

So we spoke and I followed the plan. Told her that I was leaving early tomorrow and would be back late tomorrow night and asked if she wanted to do something outdoors on Sat (we’re supposed to have nice weather). She said she was very excited that I was going to be able to spend the day with my friend on the drive to N.C. and that she could get to the gym tomorrow night. She suggested we go to the beach on Sat. because the weather was going to be nice, and then that since it’s supposed to rain on Sunday, we were just going to lounge on the couch and watch football. I never brought Sunday up, I only focused on Sat. Was it wrong to agree to Sunday as well? I mean, she invited me.

She brought it up because it has always been that you stay the entire weekend so she just assumes it.

I would sleepover but leave on Sunday during the day, don't sleepover then.... if she counts on you for dinner then that's okay but leave after, if she doesn't mention dinner then just leave in the afternoon.

Look this is going to be a new thing so she has to get used to that as well, now she just assumes you'll be there till Monday...

Maybe for the next weekend make plans for the Sunday, that'll both give you the Saturday to do something else.

But indeed make dates! That's what i missed with my ex, he was just a thing on the couch that did nothing fun and just ate all my food lol.... got annoying real fast!

So we spoke and I followed the plan. Told her that I was leaving early tomorrow and would be back late tomorrow night and asked if she wanted to do something outdoors on Sat (we’re supposed to have nice weather). She said she was very excited that I was going to be able to spend the day with my friend on the drive to N.C. and that she could get to the gym tomorrow night. She suggested we go to the beach on Sat. because the weather was going to be nice, and then that since it’s supposed to rain on Sunday, we were just going to lounge on the couch and watch football. I never brought Sunday up, I only focused on Sat. Was it wrong to agree to Sunday as well? I mean, she invited me.

Yes, that's fine! Baby steps. There is a difference between not being so available and rejecting her. Go ahead and spend Sunday with her, too. That's fine. She actively asked you about a plan. But maybe surprise her and instead of expecting to be served, come up with an idea of something you can pick up for the two of you - football watching food.

Honestly, after the class with your dog is finished - some classes are 6, 9, 12 weeks = stop going to the place right near her. Go someplace close to you.

KyleWilliam, how did this turn out? Reading your post made me realize this exact thing was why I was miserable in my middle-distance relationship. It was far too much too soon in terms of all-weekend visits.