She said she doesn't have time for a bf but later said she has one...help

Hey everyone, I'm new here but need some help/opinions.

I recently met this girl a few months ago who is running for office (won't give too much info on her for privacy reasons). I've been volunteering as well and I think there is something between us. We've hung out a few times and we once had coffee for almost two hrs, we mainly talked about her campaign but it also got somewhat personal. Some other things that stood out since then - we've been going to community events together a few times, at one meeting I took a flyer for a new restaurant that's opening and asked if she liked shrimp, that was on the flyer, and she said yea we can go. Did I ask her on a date?? (I haven't followed up on that yet). One other case is when a few of us were at a bar, and she said she doesn't have time for a bf and later on that night I told her I should be the only one she's looking at (it was kind of in a joking way but not really). Another instance was at her birthday, where she greeted everyone with like a side, one armed hug but with me it was more, it was the side arm hug but she gave me a kiss on the cheek like full on not just a peck and a back rub (which I reciprocated). This weekend we both spoke at the same meeting and later got together at restaurant. She later dropped that she had a bf on and off for 3 yrs and that she lives with him. So this is where it gets tricky, in our first hang out she said she lives with family not with her bf. I can't find any pictures of her bf on any social media, unless she's super private about her personal life. Lastly, yesterday was my birthday and she messaged the whole group to say everyone should wish me happy birthday even after our meeting where she dropped the 'I have a bf'. She also DM'd me on Instagram to say happy bday as well. My thinking is she just said she has a bf is that she really doesn't have time and doesn't want to get involved with me or maybe she really does have a bf and can't keep her story straight, because if she does it doesn't make sense with anything I've said. Also I've never seen this guy at any of her events, even her birthday. Like if your significant other was running for office wouldn't you do everything you could to support them? I'm like 85% sure this guy doesn't exist.

I'm not really sure if she's telling the truth about having a bf and whether I should continue pursuing or not. Any help would be appreciated, especially from women. Thanks!

I think she does indeed have an on-off boyfriend, and because she's not sure what the future holds with him anymore, she's not comfortable bringing him around publicly if they're just going to break up again. This could also easily explain why you see no evidence of him online, either. Also, she could have theoretically been staying with her parents while she and her boyfriend were "off" but now has moved tentatively moved back in.

I say this having been in her shoes before. I didn't live with the on-off guy, but I had deleted him off social media when we first hit the bricks and never added him back after. I also avoided bringing him around my friends very much after the first split, simply because I wasn't sure if it was going to really work out and didn't want the hassle of explaining why he re-appeared and then disappeared. And in the end, we didn't last.

In any case, it's highly unlikely she would invent a live-in boyfriend just to avoid you. However, I would not bother pursuing her either. She isn't currently single, and you don't want to wind up being her Fallback Boy for when she wants attention and some affection if things go sour with the boyfriend. I would take a giant step back and stay there unless and until she is 100% single and moved out.

Why do you care???? She's given you so many 'nope' signals it's not funny. Sure, she's flirtatious and a socialite, but she says she doesn't have time to date and that there's possibly someone else in the picture. Maybe they both live with her family? Maybe he comes and goes because he works away sometimes. Maybe she lives with him and didn't want to tell you because she was leading you on to see if you were interested in her. Maybe he's not on social media or maybe they're a private couple (there are plenty such couples and it's justified because it's on/off again)

Back to my original question: Why do you care?!

She's not someone you want to be messing around with, I would not go there because you risk getting toyed with or being the other guy. Nope. Find someone else

Lol I care because I obviously like her. Thanks for both replies.

I think she does indeed have an on-off boyfriend, and because she's not sure what the future holds with him anymore, she's not comfortable bringing him around publicly if they're just going to break up again. This could also easily explain why you see no evidence of him online, either. Also, she could have theoretically been staying with her parents while she and her boyfriend were "off" but now has moved tentatively moved back in.

 

I say this having been in her shoes before. I didn't live with the on-off guy, but I had deleted him off social media when we first hit the bricks and never added him back after. I also avoided bringing him around my friends very much after the first split, simply because I wasn't sure if it was going to really work out and didn't want the hassle of explaining why he re-appeared and then disappeared. And in the end, we didn't last.

 

In any case, it's highly unlikely she would invent a live-in boyfriend just to avoid you. However, I would not bother pursuing her either. She isn't currently single, and you don't want to wind up being her Fallback Boy for when she wants attention and some affection if things go sour with the boyfriend. I would take a giant step back and stay there unless and until she is 100% single and moved out.

Thanks for your insight. When she said she lived with her parents, it wasn't that long ago, maybe a month ago. I guess things can change in that time but it doesn't seem like a lot of time for me. How do these "on and off" situations usually end up to your knowledge? Or does it solely depend on each situation? I'm thinking of continuing to help her and be around but maybe not as aggressive as I once was.

On-off relationships usually don't work out, in my experience.

But everyone is indeed different and we really don't have enough information about their relationship to determine how functional or dysfunctional they are, or what their reasons are for being on-off.

I don't see what you will gain by trying to orbit and help her. That just puts you in the position of being Sideline Guy while she goes home to her boyfriend at night. What's the point? You might like her, but it's not worth it unless she is totally single again. She clearly still sees something of value in him, or she wouldn't be "on" again with him now.

On-off relationships usually don't work out, in my experience.

 

But everyone is indeed different and we really don't have enough information about their relationship to determine how functional or dysfunctional they are, or what their reasons are for being on-off.

 

I don't see what you will gain by trying to orbit and help her. That just puts you in the position of being Sideline Guy while she goes home to her boyfriend at night. What's the point? You might like her, but it's not worth it unless she is totally single again. She clearly still sees something of value in him, or she wouldn't be "on" again with him now.

I guess I'm just hoping there is a slight chance that I'm right and she isn't with someone or that things won't work out with that guy.

Let's assume for a moment that she isn't with someone. If she invented a boyfriend to keep you at bay, that means she really isn't into you. I would never tell a guy I like that I had a boyfriend if I didn't.

If she is with someone, that's a mess you don't want to get involved in. Being the one who is hanging around doesn't make you more attractive to her. Usually, it's the opposite.

It doesn't really matter what the truth is, except that she is not interested in a relationship. Period.

Kisses on the cheek and saying happy birthday mean absolutely nothing.

She is probably just too focused right now on her career.

Let's assume for a moment that she isn't with someone. If she invented a boyfriend to keep you at bay, that means she really isn't into you. I would never tell a guy I like that I had a boyfriend if I didn't.

 

If she is with someone, that's a mess you don't want to get involved in. Being the one who is hanging around doesn't make you more attractive to her. Usually, it's the opposite.

Well it could be because she really doesn't have time because she is running for office and doesn't want to get involved? That's my thinking.

Well it could be because she really doesn't have time because she is running for office and doesn't want to get involved? That's my thinking.

Then why would she not just say so, and leave it at that? She told you she has a boyfriend. You have no reason not to believe her, other than you don't want to believe she's taken.

I think she likes you as a friend but you're projecting because you like her as more than that.

I also got her number a while back but it was for directional purposes so probably doesn't mean much.

Then why would she not just say so, and leave it at that? She told you she has a boyfriend. You have no reason not to believe her, other than you don't want to believe she's taken.

 

I think she likes you as a friend but you're projecting because you like her as more than that.

This is probably right. I mean I'd believe her more if he was more visible in real life and social media. It's hard to take her for her word if there's no evidence of him and he's never around.

This is probably right. I mean I'd believe her more if he was more visible in real life and social media. It's hard to take her for her word if there's no evidence of him and he's never around.

That doesn't mean he doesn't exist, OP.

My own partner is not on social media at all, due to the sensitivity of his line of work. He works in a field where discretion and confidentiality is extremely important and thus, social media is not part of his life. Anyone looking at my profile would not see him. My point is that you cannot assume he's made up just because he doesn't appear online with her. Believe it or not, not everyone wants their personal life broadcast on the internet.

You also don't know the nature of their relationship, given the fact that you don't know her very well either. If they're on-off, it's not strange that you haven't seen him - particularly if she's running for some type of public office. Who would want their less-than-perfect personal life mixing with their public political life? I can completely see why she'd keep those two worlds separate at this point.

In any event, all the speculation doesn't really matter. The only take-away here is that she has told you that she isn't single. There is no further move for you to make.

You're reading way too much into this OP because you like her so much. My original question stands: why do you care?

The answer isn't just that you like her, but that you're over-investing in someone who has not given you clear signals and you should ask yourself what's so great about someone who hasn't even given you the green light to develop something deeper. Seems like you are putting her on a pedestal and finding really unlikely justifications/explanations in order to give yourself permission to pursue her

She does not sound interested in being more than friends right now. If she was, she wouldn't be playing these games you're suggesting she is - which are pretty far-fetched anyway