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This older man has me confused ...


RuedeRivoli

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Hi all,

 

Before I start this thread, may I kindly ask that I'm already aware of the following:

 

- There's indeed a huge age gap.

- We work together and I should not mess with coworkers.

 

Now, here's the story:

 

About a year and a half ago, I was visiting one of the company offices in a different location and I was due to have a meeting with a head of a department. He introduced himself and we hit it off pretty well. He ended up asking me to go out for drinks with him and a few other people (supposedly). He kept postponing our work meeting, but kept writing me online to join for the drinks. At some stage, everyone had left the office and he asked me if I wanted to join. I found it bizarre as everyone had already left and I was feeling a bit sick, so I politely declined.

 

Quite frankly, I had never met any of these people and the encounters I had to get acquainted with other colleagues were lunch meetings or coffee, not afterwork drinks. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable, but maybe I read too much into it. He never managed to get the meeting scheduled and delegated it to someone else.

 

Fast forward, he would call me a few times here and there, we'd talk for a bit about work. One day, I'm not sure what came over him, and he blamed me for someone else's mistake. He lashed out via email a bit. I called him up on the phone to understand what the problem was (even though I was mad at that stage), he started to joke about my last name (seriously?). I went silent on the phone and he said: "I guess you're not impressed" - to which I replied "Absolutely not". Mind you, this guy is quite high up. He sensed I was slightly offended, he kept apologizing three to four times during our call.

 

After this, he never really dared to call again. Fast forward a few months down the line, he heard I would be visiting his office. He sent me an email (which he rarely did following our awkward phone call) asking when I'd be visiting. When I gave him the dates, he said: "I'm sorry to see I won't be there as I'll be off, otherwise, we could have gone out for drinks". I replied wishing him a nice break and left it at that. Three weeks later, I called him on the phone for a work related matter and he asked me again when I'd be visiting, then he said "Ok, I'll see you then". Bizarre as he had said he wouldn't be there.

 

When I showed up to his office, he started acting weird the whole forthnight. People were telling me he's so fun, exuberant and makes jokes all the time. When I got there, he was the polar opposite! He's a confident corporate guy and when he greeted me, he was tongue-tied and kept stuttering. Then, I barely heard him say two words when I was there. I'd see him in the office and he would look down if I wanted to say "hi". Yet, if he saw me on the walking down the street, he'd make sure to greet me. I only heard him making one lousy joke about why he got divorced. Aside from that, he was silent the entire time. His own trainee told me he's never like that normally. He's a lot more vibrant, attention-seeking, confident ... She said his behavior was weird and unusual.

 

About a month later, I visited again. Everyone greeted me, but he didn't. He hid behind his computer until another higher up called him up (in front of me) to come and greet me. He turned red, greeted me but again, couldn't string a sentence. This is weird, because he works in corporate communication and I know he's not like that at all with other female coworkers/clients.

 

The one thing that surprised me is that we had a contingency at the office at some stage due to whether conditions, and he sent me and another male coworker who started three weeks ago (he doesn't even know him and they never met), an email on a sunday night at 3 am to see if we're doing well. Granted, he sent it to our work inbox, but I appreciated the gesture and thanked him for it.

 

The issue is that when we initially met last year, I thought he was attractive, but nothing more. I guess I had a small attraction, but I was dating someone, so it didn't cross my mind. However, lately, I have been reconsidering my attraction to him which keeps growing for one reason or another. I'm 26 and he's in his early 50s. He's got a kid also. I know he's divorced since he joked about it as I stated earlier.

 

I'm not sure how to approach this because although I don't report to him and we don't work in the same office, I don't want to come across as desperate. I've never been into older men as I have a healthy relationship with my father who has always been present. I was the girl who only liked guys her own age, until I met him .. To this day, other older men don't do it for me at all!

 

I don't know what's going on with me. It's not even the fact he's a higher up, since he's got no authority over me. I just can't wrap my head around this, yet I'm very attracted to him. I'm also very good at my job, so it's not like I'm seeking to benefit from anything. This is strange.

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I'm a little surprised that you like him, especially since it didn't seem to me that you appreciated his earlier attentions. Or did you?

 

I actually did. At the time, I was seeing someone around my own age for a while when/after we met, so I didn't feel think much of it. I tossed the attraction to the side. I didn't feel fully comfortable with the idea that I might like him.

 

However, lately I came to the conclusion that I should have given him a proper shot because what I'm feeling right now is a complete 180 from what I felt a year ago. Not entirely sure why.

I simply was not in the right headspace.

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Well, it does sound like he likes you. And when you're between boyfriends, you do start thinking about other people you've met who might make a good mate, especially since he's acted all nervous and strange around you. But I'd be worried that he might be looking more for a one-night stand than a long-term relationship. Most older guys are. And you need to know more about him, such as if he's married or divorced (or never married), and whether he has emotional issues.

 

Right now, you've got a crush on him and that's why you can't explain the attraction. None of us can control who we get a crush on, but we can control whether we act on it or not.

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Thank you for your input Much appreciated.

 

Well, as I said in my post, he openly mentioned he's divorced and has been for a while. He made a joke about it to his teammates and I overheard it since his desk wasn't too far from mine.

He actually hinted at being divorced the first few days after we met by saying he would visit his child on weekends.

 

I liked him the first time I saw him, but as I was seeing someone, it didn't go anywhere. I have been single since January and have met plenty of guys since. It's not like I'm suddenly looking for a rebound. I specifically chose to remain single and to focus on work. Until my crush started developing these past few weeks for one reason or another. I agree, as it's a crush, I'm not sure how to explain!

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Is this the same guy? He doesn't seem so great from the descriptions you posted on your previous thread.

 

He doesn't take me seriously, despite the fact that my own manager (who is also a director) keeps giving me raving reviews and asking me to work on bigger clients.
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I actually did. At the time, I was seeing someone around my own age for a while when/after we met, so I didn't feel think much of it. I tossed the attraction to the side. I didn't feel fully comfortable with the idea that I might like him.

 

However, lately I came to the conclusion that I should have given him a proper shot because what I'm feeling right now is a complete 180 from what I felt a year ago. Not entirely sure why.

I simply was not in the right headspace.

Well, the fact of the matter is, even if he does like you he's not doing anything to advance that "like." Take that fact a face value and get on with your dating life. If YOU want to see if there is actually enough "like" for him to pursue something with you then next time he asks you to join the group for drinks, why don't you go?

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Well, the fact of the matter is, even if he does like you he's not doing anything to advance that "like." Take that fact a face value and get on with your dating life. If YOU want to see if there is actually enough "like" for him to pursue something with you then next time he asks you to join the group for drinks, why don't you go?

 

We don't work in the same location at all. We live in completely different areas (hours away). He can't do much.

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Where did I say I had a problem?
Semantics? You are posting because you have a problem figuring out how to do this:

 

Since I visit their office fairly often, I'm asking how do I make it known that I have an interest.
Since you "visit their office fairly often" then as I said: Why not accept an invitation to join him and his colleagues next time he asks. Or you ask him to join you for drinks with or without his colleagues? Personally, I'd do what I could to get this crush out of my mind by concentrating on things that will get me meeting men that CAN do much and are closer to may age.

 

Good luck with it.

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I'm meeting men my age outside of the work sphere. I really don't have a problem meeting men. I get hit on often by guys who are respectable.

 

I've always dated men my age and as I said, older men don't do it for me. I'm not entirely sure why this is suddenly picking up.

it's likely picking up (in your mind) because subconsciously you believe that his attention to you in the beginning was more important then it actually was and then when he pulled back, you became intrigued which is often what happens.
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I've always dated men my age and as I said, older men don't do it for me. I'm not entirely sure why this is suddenly picking up.

 

He showed interest and then he pulled away which made him feel like a challenge and therefore more appealing. Push-pull dynamics can be very addictive to the human brain. Imo, your feelings are ego driven. You thought you had him and then he changed the tables on you making you crave "what you can't have".

 

At the end of the day, he doesn't sound like a good choice: a) you work in the same organization b) him being higher up in the hierarchy means that you would risk being called some nasty names by co-workers regardless of whether that is the case or not c) his behavior sounds very immature d) If you were to form a long-term attachment, him being twice your age means risking becoming his nurse down the line and/or a young widow.

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