I feel controlled

I had a great weekend with my family. We are all adults so there was dancing, drinking and an all around good time. I went to the bbq alone. When I spoke to my partner again and was telling her about the weekend she was upset. She was mad that I had drinks. I rarely drink and neither does she, so she was bothered.

I was not intoxicated. She wanted to know what else we did. I told her there was dancing then she thought that was weird too. She got angry and said everyone else gets the fun me. I am confused because when I do activities with her we mutually agree and there doesn't seem to be a problem.

 

It seems like whenever I do something with my friends or family she is mad because I may do different things than she and I would do. She has the opportunity to come to any gathering my family has but she chooses not to.

 

I feel like she judges the things I do with my family because they are different than the things she and her more conservative family do.

 

I also feel she is trying to put me in a box and control how I behave at all times, even from a distance. It makes me feel like I should hangout with other people less often or not tell her about what I do. I am beginning to feel like I am her child. I don't want to have to explain everything I do and why I feel it is ok to do things she may not enjoy with people that do enjoy the activities.

 

An example is : she doesn't like museums and I do. She has told me she doesn't like them. If I decide to go to a museum with a friend she gets upset and says she never knew I wanted to visit a museum and she would've gone if I told her. I think she wants to be with me all the time and not allow me to spend time with other people she thinks have more in common with me. I believe it is healthy to have other social outlets.

 

I am hoping I can get some clarity from some of you. I am not sure if I just need to be single for a while and reconnect with myself or continue to try to work through this. We continue to have this same problem and I feel exasperated.

You two sound very incompatible, to be honest.

Perhaps you're right. I think we seem compatible primarily when it is just the two of us. I know we both need other people in our lives.

If a partner attempts to make you feel guilty for spending time with others, that's uncalled for and smothering. If you've already communicated your feelings about the issue and nothing has changed, there is nothing more you can do. Time to end things and eventually find someone who has their own independent life besides being your gf.

Perhaps you're right. I think we seem compatible primarily when it is just the two of us. I know we both need other people in our lives.

 

That would be great, but your relationship doesn't exist in a bubble. You will always have other people around you, be it family or friends or colleagues.

 

Being compatible only when you're alone isn't a good sign.

Just the old cliche of a partner who can't stand you enjoying yourself without them. While pretty much a staple plot device in 90s sitcoms, it's not so fun in real life. I'm telling you, brother, don't settle for that ****. What a miserable way to live. Find a woman who, just as well as being a couple, is cool with you doing your thing and her doing hers.

 

This isn't really incompatibility. A couple should be able to function fine having some non-mutual interests. This is a woman who's emotionally unprepared for a healthy relationship dynamic. I would stop trying to hold her hand through it.

What Andrina and j.man said. You two are not compatible.

Yeah this sounds exactly like me and my ex partner of eight years. We were great on our own but shamefully I was the one who was suspicious and jealous like your partner. I hated him having nights out with big groups and dancing and karaoke etc and it was purely because I hated that stuff (I mean museums are awesome, didn't realise anyone didn't like them) and I just couldn't relate. It made me suspicious because he originally didn't like that stuff in university but did once we lived together and were settled. In the end I had to finish a pretty awesome relationship and it sucks I think you may have too also. Best wishes.

I definitely appreciate these replies. I honestly have a hard time trying to determine what I should not tolerate at thos point. I guess I am used to bending over backwards to prevent her from being upset with me. You all really help me evaluate this situation objectively.

It seems like whenever I do something with my friends or family she is mad because I may do different things than she and I would do. She has the opportunity to come to any gathering my family has but she chooses not to.

If you're going to stay with her then stop tolerating her petulant, childish behaviour. Next time you go out with family or friends and she chooses not to join her then any criticism she has of the festivities should be answered with a change of the subject after you've told her, "well I had a blast." No more no less and do not let her carry it on. Do not reply to anything further on that particular subject. You may want to actually tell her what you've told us (if you haven't already) and give her a chance to remedy.

I definitely appreciate these replies. I honestly have a hard time trying to determine what I should not tolerate at thos point. I guess I am used to bending over backwards to prevent her from being upset with me. You all really help me evaluate this situation objectively.

 

If you feel controlled, you at being controlled. You shouldn't tolerate any behavior like that. I dated a guy who tried controlling me, he used the guilt trips on me and whined about being in his crappy situation (something he did himself knowing the consequences). Do not feel bad for anything and do not let her do this to you. That behavior will only get worse and you will feel the urge to stay w/her despite wanting to go.