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Thread: 31 yr old boyfriend left me and is extremely cold

  1. #1
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    31 yr old boyfriend left me and is extremely cold

    hi, i'm a 22 year old college student who was dating my 31 yr old boyfriend for seven months until about two weeks ago (best friends for a total of three years). Turns out after a fight we had the last week of August he began talking to another girl behind my back-my 20 year old friend and colleague. He brought up doubts about our relationship two weeks ago and for about 11 days said it had to do with my lack of maturity, that we were in different places in life, that the big fight we had in August changed things, etc.

    Finally after 11 days and me pushing he admitted he was emotionally cheating with me on someone for the past month. Suspecting the girl, I asked if it was her and he said no. Called her the next night and she said it was her. After hearing how serious we had been and that he had lied to her and said me and him broke up 3 weeks prior (when it was the day before)-he asked her out the day after leaving me- she confronted and left him. Probably felt guilty af. I guess they'd been dating a week and a half?
    Anyway I'm struggling a lot because I come from a tradition where dating/physicality happens with the guy you marry and he knew that, and he had similar values (I thought). And yet he was physical with me while talking to this girl (no sex though bcuz religion), didn't tell me that the fight had been bothering him, etc. During those aforementioned 11 days I told him I would work on things, that I was so sorry about the fight because I thought we'd resolved it and that I would work on everything...which I was. While cheating on me he definitely tried to hold on to both me and the other girl; he said that even if he dumped me he wanted me to keep my phone open in case he regretted his decision. Now though he doesn't even want that; he wants me to move on asap, is saying bye like he cant wait for me to leave .part of me thinks he's doing either cuz A. he doesn't care about me somehow after 3 years, or B. he wants me out of the picture so my friend is more amenable to dating him.

    This was the guy who said he loved me all the time; with whom I had three years of amazing history and we went through so much to be together. And when I spoke to him a couple days ago (after she left him and me and her both confronted him)... he was like we just weren't compatible; I didn't want to try anymore; just go on and move on as soon as you can. How is he so apathetic?
    How did he give up on 3 years of friendship and companionship so readily for a girl he'd been talking to for a month? When I chatted w/ him a few days ago he said things like we weren't compatible; we had to break up; "ill always appreciate the effort you put into our friendship and relationship"; "i didn't want to work on it anymore; "i stopped caring about taking care of things" (things being I guess ... his love for me?). He wanted to marry me. I don't understand what happened. I'm broken. have since blocked him on whatsapp because i had been asking him to do it (in addition to deleting any photos of me on his phone and throwing away my gifts)-and he refused on all three counts.

    how do i resolve my guilt, yearning for him...and understand how he just threw away everything so easily? not just our relationship but our friendship. I could write a book about our friendship but we've been inseparable for the past three years essentially.
    I thought maybe he was cold to me because I had talked to his mum and cousin about what occurred (as I was close to them), as well as mutual friends...but I feel like that still doesn't explain it.

  2. #2
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    He absolutely could be angry with you because you spoke to his mom and cousin. His actions sound like he is being resentful. So maybe he's upset because the other girl found out the truth too and dumped him. Either way, it doesn't sound like he respects you and you have to base your decision on how he's treating you now, not how wonderful he was in the past.

    Perhaps with some time, he'll settle down and miss you and want to talk. If you want that, you can tell him you're open to having a discussion about all that went on in your relationship when he's ready--even if it's just for closure. Maybe he will come around. If he doesn't and he's willing to dump your friendship and your relationship so quickly, then he's really not worth you fretting over him. Cut your losses. You're young and someone out there will be great for you.

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    Yeah. I sent him this email that was kind of a litany of inside jokes/memories. It feels like he's at this weird cold apathetic point though where none of it means anything to him. But I wanted to at least send it to him so maybe one day he'll look back and remember and care. IDK how his heart went hard all of a sudden. This girl isn't Beyonce like she isn't the type to make your current girl look terrible in comparison. Plus she left him several days ago, although yesterday he was messaging her saying imu, please talk to me, etc. She didn't call him back and blocked him. So I guess now he's gonna feel how it is to be alone (with neither his girlfriend or the girl he cheated on her to be with).

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    Definitely give him a chance to be alone so he can evaluate how he feels. Let him miss you and wonder what you're doing. You sent him the email of memories, let him think about that and do your best not to reach out to him. You might find that he will reach out to you soon once you're no longer there...

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  6. #5
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    You kind of brushed over the whole no sex because of religion thing but I suspect a 31 year old man has expectations that you weren’t living up to.

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    Hi so he knew from the start that I wouldn't have sex before marriage. This other girl is of the same belief system. So IDK what would prompt him to emotionally cheat with her.

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    OK. Will do. So far I've blocked him on most avenues except my phone to ensure I don't contact him first.

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    Originally Posted by melody147
    How is he so apathetic?
    He's just pissed that he was caught, and that you ruined his chances with the other girl.

    I know you had a three year friendship, but honestly (and I don't mean this to be offensive) I don't a single 28 year old who could be best friends with a 19 year old, let alone for three years! To me, that says this guy was a little behind the curve to begin with.

    Sadly, there is no easy way to resolve your guilt or yearning. That's something that takes time to fade. Just remember that you didn't make him cheat. He always had a choice.

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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    He's just pissed that he was caught, and that you ruined his chances with the other girl.

    I know you had a three year friendship, but honestly (and I don't mean this to be offensive) I don't a single 28 year old who could be best friends with a 19 year old, let alone for three years! To me, that says this guy was a little behind the curve to begin with.

    Sadly, there is no easy way to resolve your guilt or yearning. That's something that takes time to fade. Just remember that you didn't make him cheat. He always had a choice.
    What do you mean by behind the curve? Like I know our friendship was unusual but it was mutual and it did last three years...how did he throw it away just like that for a girl he talked to for a month? Did he ever care about me?

  11. #10
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    He did care about you, he just saw something shiny he liked and wanted to pursue.

    I don't think it's weird that you two were friends. One of my closest friends is over 20 years younger than me. We just get each other.

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