What will you do for love?

Hi, I'm someone who admittedly has abandonment issues and a fear of being lead on and used. This has been surfacing it's ugly head in my relationship of 10 months lately. He says he loves me but we are taking the weekend apart to think. He is thinking about if he wants me or not I guess. Will anyone be able to handle me and love me i wonder. It seems like a pattern men leaving me. I wonder will one stay despite my issues. I'm working very hard on myself but I just can't identify the issue

. I want to stop behaving this way and wonder if anyone has overcome this and what you did.

Of course you will be able to find someone that loves ya for who you are...trust me, there are a lot worse things than just worrying about your partner leaving....if I had a gf and she was worried or a bit jealous it actually doesn't bother me one bit...zero....not even for a second....

Just respect though that sometimes you need some time apart (like few days here and there) to let your feelings grow for each other

Also, what I learned is that what you focus on is where you tend to go and attract..instead of focusing on abandonment, focus on how great your partner is and that he is great and loyal and how you could make him happy

Here is an analogy - you ever wonder how race car drivers can go so fast without hitting the wall? It is because they focus on where to go and where they focus is where they end up...if they focused on the wall, that's where they would end up and crash

It sounds like he wants the weekend apart to think about whether he wants to continue seeing you. Do you also want the weekend apart or are you just tolerating him wanting it? I don't think a weekend will tell him if he misses having you in his life such that the downsides he sees are worth the upsides -that would take much longer and without him seeing other people.

What would you do for love of yourself is the real question here? If you are "working hard" -what does your "work" consist of to try to discover your "issues"? What resources have you used -meaning other people/friends/family/professionals/books/study sources/activities/volunteer work/exercise to discover your "issue" and why do you think it's so elusive to you? What's your SO's opinion on what your "issue" is?

I don't think being concerned when someone leaves you for a weekend to think about whether to continue means you have an "abandonment" issue -who would enjoy being in that situation and if you weren't concerned it would mean you didn't care much about him either.

Batya33 - To answer your question - I am seeing a therapist, I am going to a weekly anxiety support group (I have diagnosed anxiety), online help - podcasts on anxiety and relationships, going to church every week, praying, I am taking medication, reading on it. Calling support lines when I feel anxious. I am trying everything in my power to heal and better understand how to deal with my "issues" I exercise weekly. I eat healthy. My SOs opinion of my issues are that I don't know how to handle my emotions and my anger. I have gotten angry in the past and it scared him. So, to deal with the issue we identified what my triggers are so that he can tread lightly while I deal with the underlying issues.

His tone with me and respecting my feelings have been an issue in the past. So, I've kindly asked him to not talk to me with a tone. In the beginning I talked to him with a tone when I was frustrated or stressed and he told me it was unacceptable - so I changed that. I stopped immediately and learned to control my reactions. He is from another city (he moved here for me 4 months ago) and that was the reason he felt he could leave every weekend to go back home because of the way I was treating him. Which really hurt me because he was never around on the weekends and wouldn't invite me to go back home with him. It was a way for him to escape and be back home where he felt safe and secure with his family and friends.

Fast forward 4 months... last weekend, he finally invited me to go back home with him and the plan was to make dinner for his family on Saturday night. That morning we woke up we were having coffee and watching t.v just relaxing. Then he starts talking about how the effort he has put into our relationship is keeping him from doing the things he loves. He is a cyclist and he used to go cycling every saturday when he was back home. I never kept him from doing this when he moved to my city. in fact, I encouraged him to join a cycling group! So, he said the effort he is putting in his relationship is not allowing him to do the things he loves for himself anymore. Like going to my family events (he gave that example) in my mind I was trying to include him in everything so he didn't feel alone EVER. The only time I asked him not to go cycling is when the support group started and I wanted him to be there as it was for people who are suffering anxiety and their cared ones. I never asked him not to go any other time. So, when he had said this to me I was just listening I never got mad as I thought he was just expressing some feelings. Then he continues to say "I want to move back to my city" and I calmly looked at him and said "Oh ok, and how do I fit into that plan" without a tone or anything it was an honest question. Then he responds "I don't know" like 4 times with a frusterated tone! I got upset, but tried not to show it. I calmly went to change my clothes as I had a workout class to go to. He was supposed to meet me at the gym when I was done. Afterwards I ended up going for a drive to process my feelings and be alone. He called me and I calmly said. "I am feeling a bit upset right now. i am not angry I just feet hurt by what you said earlier and just need a bit of space to process how I feel." Then he starts with this frusterated tone and saying things like " Ok, it's always my fault" "Ok, I am sorry" in a very harsh and insincere way! Then as I had explained before to respect my feeling is when I am feeling hurt or upset FOR WHATEVER reason to please be kind to me and not continue to talk to me with a harsh tone. And if he can't do that to give me a bit of space. We ended up arguing on the phone, I went to meet up with him as it was 12:30 and the family dinner was 5 pm that night. I saw him and he was like pissed off. He didn't even try to be kind and ammend what he said earlier. We got to his place and I felt totally unwelcomed. I thought was is the point of me being here when he doesn't even know how I fit into his future plans and he can't respect my feelings when I expressed I don't like him talking to me with a tone and if he does to be kind and sincere with me. He apologized about a hundred times but by then I felt so upset that I couldn't pull myself together. I decided to leave!!! And, he ended up having dinner with his family alone and he had to take the bus back. I picked him up from the bus stop the next day. I haven't seen him since then and now the issue is his family is very upset and concered about our relationship so he is feeling very confused and thinks that his family won't accept me because I lost their respect by leaving. He said that family plays a large role in his life and if they don't accept me then it will be hard for me to get that back. He said they think our relationship is a joke now.

I think, for better or for worse, he is no longer willing to deal with your mental health issues. As far as the recent incident it sounds like it started off badly because you were supposed to meet him after the gym but left instead- that can be frustrating. Also sounds like he is supposed to be very careful about his tone but you don't have to meet the same standard because of your anxiety issues ,if I read right. Obviously that is "fair" in one way but a lot for a boyfriend to handle.

It also sounds like you leave abruptly during a conflict which again I can relate to wanting to do that but it kind of hampers the ability to work things out.

All that you are doing to help yourself is very impressive, especially the exercise -that will help a lot!

I don't think your mental health issues are the issue here. It sounds like you are upset that he spends his weekends away from you. The one time he agrees to bring you along, he launches into a complaint about how he never has time for himself. When you defend yourself, he acts like he wants to break up with you.

Maybe you do have anxiety, but that doesn't mean everything is your fault. It sounds like he is not being completely forthcoming about what he does or what he wants, then he deflects on you and makes it look like your fault, and gives you and attitude for the rest of the day. I would be anxious, too, in a situation like this.

I think everyone has their issues whether it is mental issues or whatever. I think what's important here is HOW you deal with it. It is never an excuse for treating anyone wrong or hurting someones feelings. the same way if one is frusterated they don't have the right to take their frusteration out on their loved ones. I am never holding my aniexty as a crutch it's something I have to deal with but as you can see from my previous post I'm not just sitting there making excuses. For me, it's not the issue it's how it is dealt with that I see where a person's character comes through. No one is perfect. The fact Is, he didn't set me up for success that morning. After almost 1 year he knows what I'm sensitive about and yes launching into a complaint that morning and blaming me for his lack of doing the things he loves is not right. I never put a gun to his head or got mad at him when he wanted to do anything. Then to abruptly say he wants to move back when everything had been going SO well between us was a complete shock! I thought we had moved past our issues and are looking forward. We hadn't had even a tiff in the past 2 months. So why the morning of our family dinner I don't understand then makes me look for a bad person for my reactions. It's like poking a dog over and over again and getting mad at the dog for biting. There would be no reason for me to get angry had he not pushed me after I calmly explained I am feeling hurt and just need a little space to process the way I feel. That is what my therapist advised me to do in situations. I had no intention to leave or get angry. I just needed to practice my breathing exercises and process feelings. So, the question is why when he sees me upset after I explicitly expressed I was would he add fuel to the fire and get angry with me! I don't see that as respectful. Had he said something I don't like or feel uncomfortable with blown up and driven home that would be grounds for him being upset. But I calmly asked the question of where I fit in. I'm 32 and I want to know if I'm in someone's future plans after being together for almost a year. It's not such a crazy thing to ask.

I agree with you. And just to clarify (in case my point wasn't clear), I didn't get the impression that you were using your mental health issue as a crutch. Actually, I thought the opposite--that you seem to be taking on an inordinate amount of blame because of it. It's not unreasonable to ask for respect. From your description, it sounded like his reaction was disproportionate to the situation, and instead of getting himself under control he found opportunities to threaten, blame, and embarrass you out of spite.

Hi Jibralta, Yes, your point was clear and thank you for being understanding. I appreciate it. I was just further explaining as a way to share my thoughts.

I was like a deer in headlights when he said these things. I was thinking we are finally in a good place and everything is going well. It almost seems like he is subconsciously sabotaging our relationship. I think thoughts about "us" has been brewing in his mind for a while and is subconsiously doign things to make it more challenging for us to get closer. He has told me numerous times that he would be perfectly happy if he was alone for the rest of his life. He admits he has no friends and just seems to me to have A LOT of issues that he so carefully keeps covered up. WIth me, I am open honest and share how I am feeling and what my issues are. I feel that a good way to get intimate with someone is to push through challenges and keep going forward. It seems to me asking for this weekend off was to evaluate if he wants to continue or not. I am not sure how I feel about that because I feel like I am being evaluated like a beauty contenstant . Going over my pluses and minuses. It hurts because no matter what happened I am comitted to him and wanting to move forward to solve our issues. Even if that means couples counselling. If it is in fact all my fault I HONESTLY want to know how I went wrong because I don't want to be in this situation again. I want to learn, grow and be the best I possible can be. I strive for that which in my opinion is a great quality to have. I love constructive critisism.

Thanks again!

I think everyone has their issues whether it is mental issues or whatever. I think what's important here is HOW you deal with it. It is never an excuse for treating anyone wrong or hurting someones feelings. the same way if one is frusterated they don't have the right to take their frusteration out on their loved ones. I am never holding my aniexty as a crutch it's something I have to deal with but as you can see from my previous post I'm not just sitting there making excuses. For me, it's not the issue it's how it is dealt with that I see where a person's character comes through. No one is perfect. The fact Is, he didn't set me up for success that morning. After almost 1 year he knows what I'm sensitive about and yes launching into a complaint that morning and blaming me for his lack of doing the things he loves is not right. I never put a gun to his head or got mad at him when he wanted to do anything. Then to abruptly say he wants to move back when everything had been going SO well between us was a complete shock! I thought we had moved past our issues and are looking forward. We hadn't had even a tiff in the past 2 months. So why the morning of our family dinner I don't understand then makes me look for a bad person for my reactions. It's like poking a dog over and over again and getting mad at the dog for biting. There would be no reason for me to get angry had he not pushed me after I calmly explained I am feeling hurt and just need a little space to process the way I feel. That is what my therapist advised me to do in situations. I had no intention to leave or get angry. I just needed to practice my breathing exercises and process feelings. So, the question is why when he sees me upset after I explicitly expressed I was would he add fuel to the fire and get angry with me! I don't see that as respectful. Had he said something I don't like or feel uncomfortable with blown up and driven home that would be grounds for him being upset. But I calmly asked the question of where I fit in. I'm 32 and I want to know if I'm in someone's future plans after being together for almost a year. It's not such a crazy thing to ask.

I never ever said he should mistreat you no matter what. He shouldn't. I do think it's ok if he chooses not to be in a romantic relationship with a person who has mental health issues. Not everyone has mental health issues and it's ok if he is not a person who can handle that. My mother handled that for over 60 years with my dad. It really did a number on her many times over and she was a person who chose to stay in the marriage and to be his caretaker and to make sure he was getting the therapy and meds he needed at all times. Had she not been there I am positive he would have committed suicide many years ago. Watching what she went through I chose to avoid getting romantically involved with men with serious mental health issues and I also chose to do volunteer work with people with mental health issues and helping people with mental health issues. I knew my limits and boundaries when it came to serious romantic relationships.

But obviously he needs to treat you with respect and end things respectfully too. What you are asking of him and how he needs to treat you in light of your mental health issues might be too much for him to handle and that's ok.

I read and reread recently that no one can make you act out of anger or frustration -your feelings are your feelings and your actions are entirely within your control. It's hard to own them and take responsibility (I am tempted not to, especially when it comes to parenting) but if you do,each time you do, you'll feel stronger. And other positive things too.

Ask him what his intentions are -of course you are entitled to know, even if you were 22. And be ready to accept the answer with grace and dignity.

Thank you. I appreciate your honest words. I will say that my boyfriend had cancer 10 years ago, and in the beginning of our relationship I was scared to fall in love with him because I didn't understand cancer. I was afraid that if I fell in love with him I would lose him so I protected my self subconciously. but, I learned to accept it and be ok with the fact that no one is perfect and that if he was taken away from me I'd deal with it. Also, that there is no guarantees in life. I thought that it I could push through my fears so could he because I honestly love him. My anxiety is mild it is by no means debilitating. I have a successful career and on my way to buy my own home. I feel that my anxiety is a result of a traumatic childhood I had and I am choosing to not be a victim because I am an adult and no longer that scared child I once was. I've shown him that I am committed to healing and together I though we could get through anything. I feel that the same isn't reciprocated for me. But yes I will take his wishes with grace. I'll hold my head up high. And luckily I'm at a point now where I see my worth and value. I know that if it isn't him someone one day will love me and run not walk to be with me.

I understand -it was hard to figure out what you meant by mental health issues -there is such a spectrum. I also think there's a huge difference between "no one is perfect" and "cancer". I went on 4 dates with someone once and googled him about a year later, curious. He died of cancer a few months prior and likely was diagnosed right after we dated (and maybe that's why he didn't call). I'm glad we didn't get romantically involved given his cancer and had we known each other otherwise I would have been happy to help/support in any way I could, or his family -and I am glad I didn't get romantically involved in a serious relationship.

I would not end things with a guy who had cancer if we were already romantically involved and serious and he wanted to continue the relationship.

That's wonderful that you were there for him when he had cancer. I would have totally understood had you chosen not to date him and instead to be a friend and a resource and support to him.

I think you're doing a great job working on your anxiety!

(Sorry if I misunderstood prior and you continue to add more information that gives a different context so I'm doing my best).

Batya33 - I so appreciate your responses! he had cancer 10 years ago ( I met him 10 months ago). I was just scared of a reoccurence. And honestly i feel it is might right to be concerned and decide if that is something I want to deal with right? He will be on medication for the rest of his life and going for annual check-ups to see if the cancer came back. It's a very hard issue to deal with from a moral standpoint. I don't want to dump someone for something they can't control. However, I need to be honest with myself if I can handle it. The ironic thing is as soon as I became ok and decided to accept it. He started treating me differently defending himself and looking at me from a different perpective. Sometimes when things are said it changes things and it can never be taken back.

Oh I get it! I don't think there's anything wrong for not being romantically involved with someone for something they cannot control - what if the person was repulsive looking to you - he cannot control what he looks like to an extent so is it "immoral" not to get romantically involved? Or what about if he used a wheelchair and was born that way and you are a person who loves to hike/run/travel on a whim to places that are not wheelchair accessible -are you morally obligated to date the person? I just think we all make numerous decisions when it comes to long term romantic involvement and some by definition are quite shallow. On the other hand, deciding not to associate with someone or be someone's friend because they have a bad skin condition - that is a different thing.

I think maybe your SO was uncomfortable feeling like maybe you "settled?"

We met up yesterday and I totally thought he was going to break up with me. It turns out we are still together and he wants to try. But, it's also strange because he isn't really giving me straight answers so I'm still not really clear what is going on. When I ask him straight questions he gives me another answer and I realize he somehow manages to not answer. I'm afraid that the only reason he wants to be with me now is so he isn't alone in my city. He still has his job here and I don't want to waste my time. His biggest issue is how I treated him when he first moved here. I was irritated and a bit hostile because I was overwhelmed. And now he seems to not be getting over that. I am not sure how much time or what I should do to see if he really loves me or cares. If he can forgive me and we can move on... any ideas?

If he won't give you a straight answer, rinse and repeat. "thanks for sharing that information. What I wanted to know is ____"

Batya, I think if she demands a straight answer from him, he'll throw another temper tantrum--Not that she shouldn't press him! She really should.

Deedee, have you considered the possibility that he might not be the right guy for you? He seems to evade a lot, and he deflects by blaming you. You, on the other hand, seem predisposed to taking the blame for things. I think he's taking advantage of that, whether he admits it or not.

Here's a great example of him evading an answer and distracting you with some nonsense to feel guilty about:

His biggest issue is how I treated him when he first moved here. I was irritated and a bit hostile because I was overwhelmed. And now he seems to not be getting over that. I am not sure how much time or what I should do to see if he really loves me or cares. If he can forgive me and we can move on... any ideas?

What in the world did you do to him that he should still be angry about something after four months? Smash his windshield? Slash his tires? Punch his mom?

Well it kind of sounds like he might be trying to get you to end it with him. I don't really know why I came to that conclusion but it seems a little bit like that.

I can say that if I had a family dinner and my SO left because of a fight and blew off the event I would be irate with my spouse. It sounds like you two just have a lot of communication issues.

Your mental issues don't really seem to be a huge issue, in my opinion at least.

Batya, I think if she demands a straight answer from him, he'll throw another temper tantrum--Not that she shouldn't press him! She really should.

 

Deedee, have you considered the possibility that he might not be the right guy for you? He seems to evade a lot, and he deflects by blaming you. You, on the other hand, seem predisposed to taking the blame for things. I think he's taking advantage of that, whether he admits it or not.

 

Here's a great example of him evading an answer and distracting you with some nonsense to feel guilty about:

 

 

 

What in the world did you do to him that he should still be angry about something after four months? Smash his windshield? Slash his tires? Punch his mom?

I was quitting smoking at that time so I gave him some attitude and was a bit irritated. I never yelled, swore, hit him or anything. All it was was I was overwhelmed too because I've never lived with someone before. I treated him really well after. I dealt with my stress stopped giving him attitude etc and did a lot to try to make him feel speacial but he still reminds me of that and he ironic thing is because of my attitude he used that as an excuse to leave to go back to his city every weekend.but I get super irate because when he gives me tone I can't be upset or mad. Like I have no right because of how I treated him 5 months ago.

I feel like he may be ah consciously be playing head games with me or maybe I'm overly sensitive.

I think most people that are "playing head games" are just unaware of it and aren't mature or objective enough to see what they are doing.

I could never deal with someone whose argument style was strictly avoidance. He sounds like he is just not able to maturely deal with his emotions. Which leaves you having no idea what his motivation is because frankly he has no idea.