Should I Worry About my Boyfriend Going Back to Ex-Wife?

I've been with my boyfriend for 14 months now (7 where we have been "officially" bf/gf). I am really in love with this man. We are both mid-thirties and have 3 kids each (6 total). Both had divorces finish up earlier this year - mine because my ex was abusive, and his because his ex cheated on him.

Last week he mentioned his ex-wife had told him she wanted to talk to him. I've felt uneasy ever since he told me that. Last night I asked if he'd spoken with her yet. He said yes he had, and that she wanted to tell him she still loves him and wondered if he would give it another shot between the two of them. I asked him what his response to her was. He said he told her that if they were both single in 10 or 15 years then maybe he would, but that the girl he was with now (me) he really cared about and wasn't going to just leave her. I asked him if I was the only reason he wasn't going back to her right now. He said, "well that and the fact that I can't trust her, I would be paranoid all the time wondering where she is and what she's doing." I asked him if he still loves her. He said, "No. I have forgiven her, but as far as love goes I am indifferent. I will always have love for her in the fact that she is the mother of my children, but I'm not in love with her."

I was feeling rather emotional at this point, so I asked for a few minutes to myself and went back to my bedroom. A few minutes later he came in and asked me if I was okay. I just told him I was really uneasy about the fact that she wanted to be back with him and I was worried he would leave me for her. He said, "I already established that I am with you, not her. So there's no reason for you to feel that way. Have I ever given you a reason to distrust me?" I said no (because he really hasn't - he always encourages me to talk through everything with him). So, I let it go and am trying to feel okay with everything.

For some reason, I feel like maybe I'm just temporary, just to fill the time until he can get back with his ex-wife in 10 or 15 years. Should I be concerned? Like I said, I'm in love with him! And I care about his kids too, and he cares about mine (I'm sure of it). I just hope I'm overthinking things and don't have to worry about losing him to his ex-wife.

So, his ex pretty much explicitly asked for him back and he told her that he was choosing to continue his relationship with you. He told you that he is not in love with her and could never trust her anyway. From where I sit, you are in pretty good shape here.

So, to answer your question, no, you shouldn't "worry." Anything is possible but there is no real evidence that your boyfriend's ex is any kind of major threat. But on some emotional, not logical level you are worried anyway, so let's look at the worst-case scenario: Your boyfriend leaves you for his ex. OK, then what? Maybe your answer is "I'd be devastated. I'd be lonely and I'd have to comoletely re-plan my future." OK, and then what? Just go all the way through what you think it would look like if your worst fear came true. There, now you've thought it through, and can go back to enjoyong your relationship.

Not sure why he said about he 10/15 years bit !! But that aside I agree with Krankor , he wants to be with you .

I wouldn't worry about it. He seems pretty clear with what he wants.

At least you were not in my gf's shoes... in the first few months we were together my ex-wife was calling me to come over and have sex with her, even though she knew I was in a relationship

I admit, I would be a little concerned by his response.

He admits he couldn't trust her and that he feels indifferent about her now - but then also says they could hypothetically try again in the future if they're both single.

Why not just tell her he doesn't feel the same way about her anymore, is with you now, and leave it at that? You say the divorce was finalized earlier this year, so I am curious as to how long they'd been separated when you met him.

My concern would be more about the fact that you both were still technically, legally married when you started dating. So you are really each other's rebounds. Marriages take a long time to heal from. It's often recommended to wait until one full year after the divorce is finalized to even start dating, and you are now seeing why.

Emotions can run all over the place while in the midst of marital troubles, separation, and divorce, so that's what's happening now.

My concern would be more about the fact that you both were still technically, legally married when you started dating. So you are really each other's rebounds. Marriages take a long time to heal from. It's often recommended to wait until one full year after the divorce is finalized to even start dating, and you are now seeing why.

 

Emotions can run all over the place while in the midst of marital troubles, separation, and divorce, so that's what's happening now.

The only thing I would mention on this is that sometimes divorce takes years to resolve... you really expect someone to spend years without being in a relationship?... anyway... better safe than sorry I guess... but I sure as hell was not waiting for my divorce to finalize to move on with my life.

The only thing I would mention on this is that sometimes divorce takes years to resolve... you really expect someone to spend years without being in a relationship?... anyway... better safe than sorry I guess... but I sure as hell was not waiting for my divorce to finalize to move on with my life.

I agree with this, too. Blanket rules simply can't apply to everyone's situation. Some divorces take years, some places require you to wait a year before finalizing the divorce, some places require you to only wait a day, and then there's some people who stay legally married for years but don't live together and live completely separate lives.

Anyway, of course it would have been ideal if our divorces had been final... but it didn't end up that way and I couldn't stop my feelings. He was separated for 6 months when we met, and I had been separated for 1.5 years. My divorce took much longer (2 years) because of the abuse and custody issues. His divorce was very straight forward and took less than a year. I was worried I might be a rebound for him at first, but he told me at the beginning he wanted to take things slow because of that and didn't want to rush into anything. He asked me to be his girlfriend after 7 months. And over the past few months I have gotten a very secure sense that he has made up his mind that he wants to be with me. I really believe him when he says he cares a great deal about me and wants to see what our future holds. He has been very deliberate with all his actions and decisions. Which I very much appreciate. I think I am still working on my own insecurities, which creep in every now and then. I think the only thing that really struck me as funny was his comment about 10-15 years in the future if they were both single. But maybe he's just doing his best to be realistic too. I remember feeling that way about my ex too - that we just needed time and space away from each other before trying again. Although in my case, after being away from my ex for 2.5 years, I no longer believe I would ever want to try again with him in the future (because of the abuse). But I got divorced for a different reason than my bf did, too.

I am going to do my best to not worry, and enjoy my time with him. I believe he is a decent man. I did tell him I didn't want to continue this if he was most likely going to leave, I don't want to end up with a bigger heartbreak down the road. His response was, "Leave? Where do you think I'm going? Did I say I'm planning to leave you? As far as I can tell, I don't see our relationship ending." And he jokingly told me I wouldn't be able to get rid of him that easily. So, I do think he's being sincere in that right now, he's choosing to commit to me.

I don't want to scare you, but my ex told me while we were together that I was being absolutely ridiculous when I asked him if he had feelings for his nephew's fiancee. He's been living with her for 8 years now, ever since he broke up with me to be with her.

Now, of course your situation is most likely not at all the same. But have you had an opportunity to observe them interacting at all? If so, what is your take or gut feeling?

But have you had an opportunity to observe them interacting at all? If so, what is your take or gut feeling?

Actually, I've never met her. Our first several months together, she didn't know about me. Once I met his children, they (apparently) started telling her about me, and then he would tell me that his ex would make subtle remarks about me spending time with her kids. About 2 months ago, my boyfriend flew his mom in (she lives across the country) to spend time with him and his kids, and I ended up meeting her and spending some time getting to know her over the course of a couple weeks.

Apparently, his ex was very upset that his mom got to meet me before she got to meet me, especially since her kids seemed to know me pretty well. So, my BF asked me if I would be willing to meet her so that she can know who's spending time with her kids and I agreed. Well, he's tried to arrange a meeting between us several times over the past month, and every time, she has canceled right before our meeting time. So, even though she keeps saying she wants to meet me, she clearly isn't as keen on it as she says. Maybe she just doesn't want to face the reality of him having a new girlfriend?

I’m sorry, but the more stuff you write, the more you’re convincing me that this is exactly why I said earlier that you two dated too soon after your marriages.

And I still hold my ground that the marriage needs to be completely, legally dissolved before dating. Everything you’ve written makes me feel it even more.

The fact that his ex-wife keeps putting off meeting you, yet she makes little comments about you are telling me that she is not ready to relinquish him to you.

I don’t want to scare you, but my last relationship ended largely due to an ex-wife who was all fine with me dating her ex-husband until we got serious, and then her claws came out.

I don't think you should worry at this stage. I don't know what was with that 10-15 year comment. Maybe that the cheating hurt him so much, it would take at least 10-15 years to move past it? I don't have a crystal ball (I wish I did!!!) but it sounds like he's your guy.

I keep agreeing with Annie across various threads today and this is another one 😊.

I don't think there's a need to worry.

Thank you all for your responses! I tend to worry about things and completely overanalyze. I do wish that things had been more ideal in the timing of everything (divorces, dating, etc) - but it is what it is, and he has been nothing but good to me. I believe he cares about me, and so all I can do is trust him and love him and believe what he says. Until/unless he does something that gives me reason to believe he's not trustworthy, I want to truly have a good relationship with him. So, that's what I plan to do

Good for you 😊