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5 years later with silent treatment


Aloneannie

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I am 44 yr old woman with someone 6yrs younger. I was taken to an emergency hospital 2 weeks ago with suspected stroke..he left me at the door of hospital and i was devastated. Facing the prospect of life changing situation on my own i sat in fear and afraid..alone. It took me a week to approach this with him.. told him how it made me feel and he immediately dismissed me. Told me i am causing issues and since then he hasnt been in touch. After a brain scan and other tests..seems i escaped with only a migraine. However the real issue for me.. he ran. He didnt even offer to be with me. Was i expecting too much ? Now not knowing what to do. I was ill this time last year too with shingles.. he ignored me for 9 days..never said sorry cos he claims he did nothing wrong. The silent treatment is making me into someone i am not..i threw keys at him and he went to call police saying i tried to kill him and i am a crazy effin bit*h . I threw the keys because he was being uncooperative when i went to his home a week ago to discuss why i was hurting... he was again dispondent and verbally sarcastic and arrogant which led to me losing my cool.. rare and only he makes me this way. I have stayed away.. he hasnt come to see me..not sure if he will but if he does..how do i respond ? Very overwhelmed woman that is wondering was i expecting too much ?

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I am 44 yr old woman with someone 6yrs younger. I was taken to an emergency hospital 2 weeks ago with suspected stroke..he left me at the door of hospital and i was devastated. Facing the prospect of life changing situation on my own i sat in fear and afraid..alone. It took me a week to approach this with him.. told him how it made me feel and he immediately dismissed me. Told me i am causing issues and since then he hasnt been in touch. After a brain scan and other tests..seems i escaped with only a migraine. However the real issue for me.. he ran. He didnt even offer to be with me. Was i expecting too much ? Now not knowing what to do. I was ill this time last year too with shingles.. he ignored me for 9 days..never said sorry cos he claims he did nothing wrong. The silent treatment is making me into someone i am not..i threw keys at him and he went to call police saying i tried to kill him and i am a crazy effin bit*h . I threw the keys because he was being uncooperative when i went to his home a week ago to discuss why i was hurting... he was again dispondent and verbally sarcastic and arrogant which led to me losing my cool.. rare and only he makes me this way. I have stayed away.. he hasnt come to see me..not sure if he will but if he does..how do i respond ? Very overwhelmed woman that is wondering was i expecting too much ?

 

No you definitely were not expecting too much . Your partner should be there for you in your time of need . You can't be with a man with that as you move into old age you would wonder would he be by your side if anything did happen . If he had a huge fear of hospitals or just panicked I would give him the benefit of the doubt as long as almost immediately he came to apologies and explain himself but the fact that he doesn't think he has done anything wrong and won't even communicate about it makes it very difficult for you . If the shoe was on the other foot would he be ok if you treated him that way ? If he is a supportive of you in every other way in your relationship apart from when it comes to medical issues then there may be something underlying causing his reaction but if this is the way he is then you will need to decide whether you are happy to stay with someone who thinks this is ok as if he doesn't see anything wrong with his reaction I can't seem him making any change

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Based on my personal experience I can fully understand that when you are ill, scared, or there is any life stress, you expect your partner to be there for you in his best personal capacity, especially if you have also been there for him in the past (setting a precedent). If the guy can't or won't give what you deserve and expect, then it is going to drive resentment. (Throwing keys, being frustrated, etc). It seems you've already expressed your view and feelings and that's not getting resolved. It seems that this is unacceptable to you. If everything else is great, then I'm not sure what you're going to do, but IMO it is a deal breaker.

My sit--

xH--- despite years and years of needing my nursing and tlc on every level, couldn't support me when I got sick. In fact my frailty meant I needed to support HIM regarding his fear of me being sick. And my sickness was inconvenient to him and he would complain about what work I wasn't doing--it was one of the deal breakers.

xbf--said he appreciated my support when he was sick, but didn't really want the attention. This made me feel that he wouldn't supportive if I was sick.

Both of these, and a very close male friend & even men in my family---have a history of not checking in to see how I'm doing when they know I'm sick.

So--not to hijack your post-- but Im trying to illustrate that it's possible that many people don't have compassion and caring as one of their strong suits.

 

I like the idea I've read about--that you teach people how you want to be treated. If you're not treated properly, you walk away.

 

Good luck & health.

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I don't think you are asking for too much. I am curious...when you start to feel the onset of your physical ailments is he supportive in getting you help? Meaning does he act like its a burden to drive you to the hospital? Does he act like he doesn't believe you are in actual pain or in actual need of a doctor?

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He did take me to hospital because i asked him. I couldnt walk properly..which he witnessed and didnt think to help me. He sat in car and actually said "can you ask at desk if i will get a fine for coming in on ambulance road?" .. 2 weeks on and i am astounded by his reaction. I could never treat ANYONE like it... i have helped him many times and just says he didnt ask me to help him.. to me someone you love doesnt need to ask you to be there.. you automatically do. He has needed help in hospital a few times and i was there always.

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You are expecting too little....... and I suspect that you've been settling for too little for too long with this manchild.

 

No decent human being would act like he did. Unfortunately, he is showing you what a cold, uncaring, callous piece of work he is. In your shoes, that would be more than enough for me to remove him from my life. It's not acceptable. A case of better be single than be with a cretin like that.

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Should i contact him ? I tried a week ago but it ended in tears for me...i somehow get this feeling he likes to see me suffer. Controlling me by making me apologise fot being ill ? I am beside myself with self doubt and thought i would mean more to him. Evidently i didnt.

 

Tell him to hit the road! Why do you allow this to go on? I dont care if he's afraid of doctors or hospitals etc., you had a valid emergency situation and he did as little as he could to help you. Dumping you at the hospital door and leaving you there is so low.

 

You did not expect too much, you expected too little and you got it. You can do better.

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Leave him alone and let it be. Work on your healing, physically, emotionally and mentally. His prior actions, which you did not write much about but I am sure has a history of, might have triggered that illness anyway.

 

Remember, our bodies are our only investments. It is hard, but just heal first! Try to divert your thoughts on what will make you feel better. At the same time, look into a future without him. What he did was utterly unacceptable. Now, we do not want to keep looking behind us but more ahead of us. Allow him to explain, if he desires, if none is offered, just try and move on.

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I think it's very hard to excuse this behaviour, and if he had some terrified lizard brain response that caused it then he should have apologised by now. It's possible he's afraid of hospitals, of death, illness and/or ageing. He's going to need to get over that.

 

And he called the police. That's a big one. I don't know what you throwing your keys really means and how that translates into calling the police but the fact that that also happened indicates for me that this relationship is not right for either of you.

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