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She hates that she loves me


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Hello everyone,

 

I really need some genuine advice here. I am in love with this girl who we will refer to as "Melissa." I met Melissa in college and we pretty much locked eyes and became really close. I had her for my Algebra class and she would ask me to help her with her homework. We would arrange times to meet in the school library to study and I would tutor her in the mathematical concepts that she had difficulty understanding. Eventually within time she told me that she really liked me and wanted to spend more time with me. I was really attracted to this girl and really enjoyed her as a person. Melissa and I, eventually started going on a few dates and we enjoyed each other's company, and we would talk about our future goals and it was all just mutual attraction and everything was great.

 

Melissa eventually started to open up to me more about her life and she told me she had been raped by her previous boyfriend. Unfortunately, Melissa got pregnant as a result of the rape that she endured and she kept her baby but has completely cut ties with her ex (baby's father). I empathized with her and made her feel like she was an extremely strong woman for going through such horrific events. I made it clear to her that I was completely in love with her, and that her having a child would not affect my love or relationship with her. I even told her that if given the opportunity to meet her child --I would love him too and would not mistreat him in any way. Melissa was happy and it seemed as though she really trusted me and believed me when I told her that I wanted to have a serious relationship with her. So, we made it official.

 

In the beginning our relationship was great, but within time as the love chemicals in our brain started to mutually dissipate, I noticed that Melissa started to change. She would start getting very defensive when we would have minor disagreements, she would completely switch to giving me the silent treatment. At first, I understood, and realized that she had suffered a horrific trauma; so I was just really understanding and I never left her side. Melissa would see that I was empathetic but would then abruptly lash out on me saying, "You're just being nice to me because you want to get in my pants!" I was shocked when she said this, she exclaimed this with such rage that I really did not know how to handle her after recurrent events like these would would happen. Melissa became very defensive and would always say that I was a liar and an "abusive person."

 

A little information on myself, I consider myself a nice and humble individual, I think logically and don't make decisions based off of my emotions but I am very empathetic towards other people's issues and I like to counsel or help alleviate their pain because that's just how I am. I love to help people. I think Melissa just thinks I have too much pride in myself and that I don't validate her feelings. It really breaks my heart because I know that she is fragile and has gone through hell with her experiences of sexual abuse and neglect from her previous relationships. But I just can't seem to get through Melissa's head, I tell her that I love her and that I want things to work between us but she says this horrible statement: "I hate that I love you." Just by typing that sentences tears fall down my face. I feel like Melissa is making me question my own sanity and that maybe I am a horrible person, but I really am not. I'm not cocky or prideful in anyway... the only thing I'm proud of is that I'm still alive and that I'm trying to be the best that I can be.

 

I just don't understand... there is a part of me that's just screaming to me --letting me know that I should just let her go. And then there is my heart telling me to stay and just show her that you care and love her very much even though she hurts you by questioning who you are.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated; thank you so much for your time.

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You can not fix her. Her anger, her lashing out, her inability to handle conflict... that's on her. Only she can fix it. She isn't ready for a relationship. It might be because of her trauma, it might be because she is really young, it might be with how much she is loaded down with being a mother and a student... whatever the reasons are she can't be in a healthy supportive relationship. And you can not save her.

 

As much as it hurts love, attraction and commitment (on your part) aren't enough to make a relationship work. You also have to be ready, willing and able to communicate and collaborate. It sounds like she isn't willing or able at this point in time.

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Oh my heart goes out to you. You are in love with someone who has severe trauma that she needs to heal from. She is causing you pain and essentially creating a toxic relationship with you. She may be acting out of fear, or she may feel triggered by some things in your relationship but that just means she needs to heal and perhaps see a therapist.

 

You seem to be an empath and if that is the case her energy will continue to make you question yourself and with long enough exposure to that sort of relationship you too will have low self esteem, anger, resentment, and trust issues. I've learned the very very hard way (still learning it actually) you cannot love someone enough to make them love themselves.

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Sorry but borderline personality disorder comes to mind when I read how she paints you black the way she does.

 

If you can't leave her YET then get yourself into personal therapy so that you understand why you stay and then hopefully you'll overcome that and have the confidence and self-worth enough to get yourself away from her.

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Thank you very much for your input. She called me yesterday morning and said that she did not want to be in a relationship with me. I asked her for her reasoning, and if there was any way I can fix things between us. She snapped at me and just said this: "I don't want you because you remind me of my ex and I see his face, not yours! You also come off as an arrogant, prideful person to me..." (she immediately hung up on me after that).

 

I am so shattered, I know that she is toxic -but there is just an overwhelming urge in me to comfort her and to make it work.

 

You are right; I can not fix her; as hard as that is for me to accept... its time for me to just let go and heal.

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Thank you very much for your input. She called me yesterday morning and said that she did not want to be in a relationship with me. I asked her for her reasoning, and if there was any way I can fix things between us. She snapped at me and just said this: "I don't want you because you remind me of my ex and I see his face, not yours! You also come off as an arrogant, prideful person to me..." (she immediately hung up on me after that).

 

I am so shattered, I know that she is toxic -but there is just an overwhelming urge in me to comfort her and to make it work.

 

You are right; I can not fix her; as hard as that is for me to accept... its time for me to just let go and heal.

Whatever you do, DO NOT let her come back into your life. If she is BPD the chances of her calling you up and being all Marilyn Monroe vulnerable and making you put on your White Knight suit again for her, are high. Silently thank her for giving you the gift of her departure because you're far better off without her particular brand of crazy (even if she isn't BPD)
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Whatever you do, DO NOT let her come back into your life. If she is BPD the chances of her calling you up and being all Marilyn Monroe vulnerable and making you put on your White Knight suit again for her, are high. Silently thank her for giving you the gift of her departure because you're far better off without her particular brand of crazy (even if she isn't BPD)

 

I agree with this^ and OP, goodness gracious, what are you even thinking staying and trying to understand and help (i.e. "save") a chick like this.

 

Trauma or no trauma, people just don't say these type of things and treat people the way she has treated you. Especially those they claim to "love."

 

This is borderline (if not flat out) verbal and emotional abuse as far as I am concerned, and trust me it's NOT gonna get any better.

 

TwT is absolutely right about your being a "White Knight," not to sound harsh but stop it, please.

 

Women may appear to like, but they will take advantage of it, and you better believe won't ever respect a guy like that either.

 

Which may have already happened, hence why she no longer wishes to be in a RL with you.

 

I also believe by flipping it back on you, making it all YOUR fault (for being arrogant, prideful, etc.), she's gas-lighting you to alleviate HER guilt for not wanting to be with you anymore and dumping you.

 

Don't fall for it. Recognize it for what it is, she is VERY troubled, wish her well and then WALK AWAY for good.

 

ETA: It also wouldn't surprise me one bit if she's back with her abusive ex.

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I agree with this^ and OP, goodness gracious, what are you even thinking staying and trying to understand and help (i.e. "save") a chick like this.

 

Trauma or no trauma, people just don't say these type of things and treat people the way she has treated you. Especially those they claim to "love."

 

This is borderline (if not flat out) verbal and emotional abuse as far as I am concerned, and trust me it's NOT gonna get any better.

 

TwT is absolutely right about your being a "White Knight," not to sound harsh but stop it, please.

 

Women may appear to like, but they will take advantage of it, and you better believe won't ever respect a guy like that either.

 

Which may have already happened, hence why she no longer wishes to be in a RL with you.

 

I also believe by flipping it back on you, making it all YOUR fault (for being arrogant, prideful, etc.), she's gas-lighting you to alleviate HER guilt for not wanting to be with you anymore and dumping you.

 

Don't fall for it. Recognize it for what it is, she is VERY troubled, wish her well and then WALK AWAY for good.

 

ETA: It also wouldn't surprise me one bit if she's back with her abusive ex.

 

I really appreciate your advice. I was so blind into thinking I could really help elleviate her trauma and emotional distress. I went way over my head thinking that I could really help her. I did some more reading on this “white knight” phenomenon and it definitely describes certain actions and behaviors that I was exhibiting. I am going to self-correct myself and just take this as a learning experience in my life.

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Oh my heart goes out to you. You are in love with someone who has severe trauma that she needs to heal from. She is causing you pain and essentially creating a toxic relationship with you. She may be acting out of fear, or she may feel triggered by some things in your relationship but that just means she needs to heal and perhaps see a therapist.

 

You seem to be an empath and if that is the case her energy will continue to make you question yourself and with long enough exposure to that sort of relationship you too will have low self esteem, anger, resentment, and trust issues. I've learned the very very hard way (still learning it actually) you cannot love someone enough to make them love themselves.

 

Thank you for your words of advice.

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Thank you, you are so right. Attraction, caring, and love on my part will not be enough on my part to fix her. I have come to the realization that she needs professional help. Unfortunately, she has refused to seek any help. I don’t understand why she wants to remain the way she is, or at least try to get help from a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist... anything.

 

But I can’t make that decision for her, I wished her the best.

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