Speaking out

Hello!

This past year I jumped into dating again 1,5 year after my break up. It has been and still is a very interesting and educational journey. I have grown more than I could've imagined.I didn't even know I was that immature when it came to relationships.

I see every man as a chance to learn. Every dating experience as such. It is not only good for me, but also lessens the blow when it doesn't work out.

So my latest lesson was "speaking out". I had a huge problem of voicing my needs. Silly, I know, but I struggled hard with it. In other sectors of my life I do a good job at it...well better, but when it comes to relationships, I swallow what I need. Or, maybe even worse, I state it and then take it back by laughing it off or basically saying I want this but since you want that, it's ok let's do that. It was horrible.

I managed to finally ask for something from a guy I'm seeing without laughing it off, without taking it back in any way. It took me two tries, but it was totally worth it. I feel liberated and strong. I feel respected. I feel that I am an equal in the dynamic. I stood up for me and darn it feels good!!

So why does it feel so scary at the same time? Why do I have a bad feeling? Why did I have the urge to take it back, to lessen it in some way? Fortunately I didn't, but why?

I was used to coming second. I was used to not getting what I want. I was use to pleasing everyone else but me. I am sure that that not only harmed me because I didn't get what I wanted, but it must've lessened me in the eyes of my partners too. I feel like I am asking for too much, that I am a brat or I should be grateful for what we have and just go with the flow. What if he gets mad? What if he doesn't like it? What if he....leaves me? Well it's ok if he does all that, it simply means we weren't made for each other and "breaking up" is way better than months or years of hiding from yourself and not being honest to you. Again, now that I'm writing it down it sounds super easy and reasonable, but apparently it wasn't for me and that's ok. Everyone of us have our own pace.

I am writing this down because it was a very insightful moment for me and I am sure many have been there and many are still struggling. If you want we can talk about it as I still working on it and would love to share our thoughts.

What can lead to someone not being able to speak for themselves? Something in their childhood? What was it in your case? What's your story?

Peace!

What are things you feel need to speak up about? And in the context of simply dating or full on committed relationships?

Well simple things like "Why are you still talking to your ex", "Can you please make time to see me", "Why do you still have your dating profile up", "Why did you break up with your ex". Some times some of these may be considered too personal but there are other times where you have to ask them right?

For example I never ask someone why they broke up with their ex. A lot of my friends tell me I should because that will show a lot about his character etc. I 'm still on the fence about that. Small things that bother you, you know they will be an issue in the future yet you still don't ask.

Bigger things like "Where do you see us in the future?", "What are you looking for in a relationship?" The last one I can elaborate more on as I have never asked this question and sometimes even when they've stated what they want in a relationship, either I didn't share or shaped my needs into his needs covering up most of mine. Like I was compromising before we even started.

Right now I'm talking about dating, but does it really matter? I mean of course you're not gonna talk about how many kids you want in the future when you're dating, but you can definitely and most of the times, should talk about if you want them in general. Depending on the seriousness of the date of course. But dating leads to relationships, so the line is really thin, no?

I could have written this post.

The more I articulate my needs respectfully, the more respect I am given back.

It does feel incredibly awkward at first. It's not something we are accustomed too.

It's like learning to walk all over again, but doing it differently.

You do so in baby steps. Take a step back, observe the response or outcome. Either way, it's rewarding.

If someone isn't in line with my needs then I am fine with that. It's better to know up front and clear the way. But the timing has to be right to say these things. Too soon, you scare people. Too late, then it gets complicated. It's a delicate balance, but with time it gets easier.

More often than anything, I get positive reactions from speaking up and reinforces that I am on the right track.

And the snowball effect takes place.

You look back wondering why it you so long to do things differently.

Wonderful post. .One foot in front of the other!

I could have written this post.

The more I articulate my needs respectfully, the more respect I am given back.

 

It does feel incredibly awkward at first. It's not something we are accustomed too.

It's like learning to walk all over again, but doing it differently.

 

You do so in baby steps. Take a step back, observe the response or outcome. Either way, it's rewarding.

If someone isn't in line with my needs then I am fine with that. It's better to know up front and clear the way. But the timing has to be right to say these things. Too soon, you scare people. Too late, then it gets complicated. It's a delicate balance, but with time it gets easier.

 

More often than anything, I get positive reactions from speaking up and reinforces that I am on the right track.

And the snowball effect takes place.

 

You look back wondering why it you so long to do things differently.

 

Wonderful post. .One foot in front of the other!

Thank you! It feels so good when there are other people going through the same thing! Great advice, baby steps.

There is indeed a thin balance on when to talk about things. Sometimes the circumstances though require you to do so, even if it's not time. I realized that the more honest you can be, the best. The Devil's in the details, so I'm talking about wording. If you are jealous, don't say "I felt bad", "It made me sad/mad/blue" whatever. Use the word jealous. Use the word that describes exactly how you feel without being ashamed.

That's another thing that this brought up. Being ashamed of feelings. What's up with that? I'm jealous, so what? I am mad, so what? I love you, so what? I feel that we've been programmed to be ashamed about feelings and this is why we actively avoid talking about them.

That's another thing that this brought up. Being ashamed of feelings. What's up with that? I'm jealous, so what? I am mad, so what? I love you, so what? I feel that we've been programmed to be ashamed about feelings and this is why we actively avoid talking about them.

It's the very thing that makes us human

I am not sure why I am surprised by this, but I surround myself with people who are brutally honest and direct. I am uncomfortable being with others who play head games, dance around issues and won't tell me what they want.

Why is it it took me so long to do the same?

Though I am not as direct as my friends (you honestly can't be thin skinned around this group) but the lesson here is people seem to be more comfortable with me as I have matured and become more transparent. It kinda makes sense of the obvious.

I've been dating someone new for 2 mos now. He says there is just something about me that makes him open up and feel connected with me that he hasn't experienced. I'd like to think it's because by being transparent it invites him to do the same.

Anyway . .I am rambling.

I learn something new everyday. .