How to keep a fragile soulmate relationship?

New kindred soul who lives far away and there's romantic/sexual attraction involved. What to do not to leave a trail of mess?

 

Two months after breaking up a 9 year long relationship, I met someone special on the last day of vacation. In fact, I've hanged out with many men at that vacation, this is typical of me - attracting these stuff when I need it the least. The plan was to spend a year or two without any relationships, dating, flings, anything.

 

This is difficult to explain, but my life I felt lonely at my core. I have great close friends, great sibling relationship and I had a great boyfriend. I'm just this romantic dreamy Ann of Gables style weirdo, and things that are important to me, things that make me passionate, nobody can really relate to it. I thought this was going to my fate, but this weirdo that I met is just so similar type of weirdo! I feel like I'm not alone anymore in this world. It's a magical experience I don't know how to explain. Talking to him makes me very, very happy.

 

We talked from dusk till dawn. But, I thought - anyone can seem like a soulmate on the first date to impress a girl, so I brushed it off and didn't kiss him goodbye. But for the next few weeks we ended up texting for hours every day. Then for the next month also everyday, but shorter. Then, lately, he's not as responsive.

 

When we met, I hinted that I've recently broken up and I'm not ready for anything more than friendship. But he obviously liked me as a girl and had a crush on me after vacations. I also ended having a crush on him. Since we live in different countries, long term relationship will never be an option (but we barely got to know each other anyway). I don't want to visit him this year, because I need space after breakup - I haven't really moved on and still consider getting back with my boyfriend. I could visit him, say, next vacations, to have a brief romance, but would that be good for anybody? Also, he never had a girlfriend and has low self-esteem due to his disability issues. I wouldn't like to hurt him in any way. We're friends for now, but not real friends, and I haven't talked to him about it all because I don't know how much of it I should tell. I decided that hiding my feelings, not suggesting Skype or my visiting would be better, cause it won't give him a false hope. But now I don't know if this approach was the best. And it's harder to talk with him being less responsive.

 

What are the prospects here? Long term, it would be best if both of us dated locally - me after a year of being single. But how to keep this amazing person in my life? Despite this mutual attraction? How not to mess things up or hurt anybody?

 

These weeks of talking has been really an incredible, unforgettable, life-changing experience for me, and it's very hard to let go of it.

These weeks of talking has been really an incredible, unforgettable, life-changing experience for me, and it's very hard to let go of it.

My unvarnished suggestion: being that invested and putting that much value on someone you know nothing about except what he's told you which are only words because there are no actual actions to back them up as truth, and what you've fantasized about him, is unhealthy. You hanging on him like that is indicative to you not being ready to be in any kind of serious relationship. He's safe to you because he's too far away to commit to and that is why you're allowing yourself to become vulnerable to him which leads to (false) feelings for him and makes you think he's more valuable to you then he really is.

 

Distance yourself before you THINK you are in love with your chat buddy/pen pal and you stagnate yourself from actually finding someone local who you can actually hold hands with, smell their scent, kiss, interact with in real life and possibly form a life long real crush (not a fantasy) with.

My unvarnished suggestion: being that invested and putting that much value on someone you know nothing about except what he's told you which are only words because there are no actual actions to back them up as truth, and what you've fantasized about him, is unhealthy. You hanging on him like that is indicative to you not being ready to be in any kind of serious relationship. He's safe to you because he's too far away to commit to and that is why you're allowing yourself to become vulnerable to him which leads to (false) feelings for him and makes you think he's more valuable to you then he really is.

 

Distance yourself before you THINK you are in love with your chat buddy/pen pal and you stagnate yourself from actually finding someone local who you can actually hold hands with, smell their scent, kiss, interact with in real life and possibly form a life long real crush (not a fantasy) with.

 

Of course. I perfectly understand that since the LDR is the one I won't do, and I'm not ready for a relationship, I'm attracted to substitutes like this. I know all I need right now is time for myself, and after I get fine, I definitely want to have something not long distance, because I missed that in my previous relationship.

 

The question is not my future dating policy, but what to do with this thing. I really want to have that person in my life and get to know him better, more realistically. How to do this without meddling?

Have no advice that would enable you to continue on in what surely looks like you getting far too involved with someone you'll have to end up breaking your own heart over. Sorry.

 

What do you do with this thing you ask? I'd just not bother with him anymore particularly because I know it's not going to go anywhere and if I'd gotten addicted to him as quickly as you appear to have gotten addicted.

Thanks. Maybe in future some contact would be possible... I still hope we can share some meaningful experiences in future to inspire each other.

 

Do you think I should talk to him about this? Not to leave him in the dark?

You say he's becoming "less responsive." maybe just let it fade naturally.

Well....I mean he is fading out on you by his own choice......so what is there to talk about. This has actually run its course and is dying a natural death and that's a good thing. I don't think you should cling to this. Leave him go as he is already doing and take away a warm memory and knowledge that you aren't really alone out there. There are others and not just him. The next one is probably much closer to you when you are ready. Sometimes people come into your life for a reason and perhaps the reason here is to open your eyes to seek out a better match for your next relationship because he is out there.

Well....I mean he is fading out on you by his own choice......so what is there to talk about. This has actually run its course and is dying a natural death and that's a good thing. I don't think you should cling to this. Leave him go as he is already doing and take away a warm memory and knowledge that you aren't really alone out there. There are others and not just him. The next one is probably much closer to you when you are ready. Sometimes people come into your life for a reason and perhaps the reason here is to open your eyes to seek out a better match for your next relationship because he is out there.

 

Thank you for understanding. I wouldn't trade this memories for the world - the sense of not being alone. Thanks to that meeting I know now, if there is him, there must be others too, but I don't mean like romantic interests, just people with whom I can connect with that way over common passions. It's a rare and beautiful feeling, and it was real.

Thank you for understanding. I wouldn't trade this memories for the world - the sense of not being alone. Thanks to that meeting I know now, if there is him, there must be others too, but I don't mean like romantic interests, just people with whom I can connect with that way over common passions. It's a rare and beautiful feeling, and it was real.

 

I know what you mean about that unique connection but maybe that's why it's important not to sour it with clinging and better to let it fade gracefully to whatever level it will. That way you kind of leave the possibility of staying friends even if it's more casual and occasional contact. You know how sometimes friendships ebb or someone moves away but then by chance you reconnect again later it's like time hasn't passed....Clinging on can destroy that.