Spiraling

Dear people of ENA

I will try to keep this post as short and non-rant as possible.

So, for the last 8 months or so, I have been hunted by disappointments. Some of the highlights were:

- having my lifelong dream of studying abroad destroyed (by being communicated the wrong deadlines by the responsible organization, after having been cleared by same organization)

- cutting ties with 99% of my friends (there never were many anyway) as they did not care about me and had become toxic

- the person I thought to be my best friend disappearing out of my life (seems she did never seem as a friend anyway)

- finishing my undergraduate studies with grades that were lower than I think I should have achieved(due to exam fright)

- my mother becoming ill

- my relationship crumbling

- being kicked out of what I thought of as a second home by my flatmates who I thought of as friends

etc.

I know that out there are people going through MUCH MUCH worse. Nevertheless, I have barely any energy to go on. My problem is that whenever I start to feel better and start to think that maybe life is not miserable and maybe I'm not a failure, a new disappointment comes along. It feels like I never get a break and can never fully heal from the last one. Just spiraling downwards.

The same happened today. I started my graduate studies (which are extremely hard) and got my first grade, which was barely passing even though I know I should have done better. Now I'm spiraling again...

If I try to talk to people, they don't seem to understand that it is not a singular event (which is in itself not too bad) but the succession of disappointments and the strain from pulling myself up again (as I said, I barely have friends left to support me) that is draining me. I have tried it in other forums, but generally got responses like "ooh you should just look at life positively and suddenly everything will go right". I tried and it did not work. Also the "be gratefull for what is going right"...but I can't see anymore what is going right. I can just think of bad things that did NOT happen to me...which I feel is more counterproductive than anything...

Now, I start to be so exhausted and frustrated from everything that I cry myself to sleep every night. I don't know how to continue without breaking. I have been to therapy but did not feel like it was what I needed...

Has anyone any ideas for me how to survive? Or has anyone gone or is going through similar things? I would already be happy to know that I'm not alone...

I really wanted to learn something out of my misery...but now I'd just be happy to survive.

Thank you for reading

Well, this has been a bad year for you. There are bad years like that. Sometimes a year ends and we hope for a better one, and bad stuff strike again, and we don't know how much more we can handle. But eventually, peaceful years do come. There's a year where nobody dies, nobody gets ill, nothing terrible happens and everything is basically peaceful. You have a lot of years like that ahead of you.

Nothing to do but stick around and wait for these. Some of stuff that happened were beyond control, and some were in your control. It's still better to squeeze some joy out of the bad year than to give up on joy altogether, so you don't lose nothing by listening to that advice people gave you and try to see the bright things among these bad ones.

Your mother got ill - but how is she holding up? Is she getting better? Are the prospects looking any bright?

You finished your undergraduate studies with a lower grade due to exam fright, but everybody slips like that during studies. The important thing is, you finished your studies! With all the energy that it costed you and all the stuff that you've been through. Don't you deserve at least some credit?

You mention your friendships failing. Yes, there are times like that, and it's very hard. This is the part where you might have some control over what happens - so maybe you can dedicate your next few months to work on that area of life, so that your next year wouldn't suck? If your friends kicked you out of apartment for a reason, maybe try to work on the feedback that you got, so that you get along better with your next flatmates? You got rid of people you considered toxic - that's actually a good thing happening, and nothing to be miserable about. You can spend a new year without toxic friends, only with that 1% of friends who make your life better. And you will start your next year with more experience with people, avoiding relationships for the future that don't serve you. As for other friends, like your best friend, or people who seemed to let you down - maybe it's still possible to reconcile, tell them how you feel and try to build something new, some new stronger friendship this time? Long time friendships are never easy, there's a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes you feel like it's over, but sometimes getting through that just makes the friendship stronger.

As for your studying abroad dream - it really sucks that it happened. But it wasn't your fault! Sometimes stuff happened, but it's best not to give up. You still have MANY opportunities like that. You may sign up for other study program, maybe like 2-year long, that would offer this possibility. If you're not after knowledge, but experience of doing something cool abroad, there are TONS of programs for you. Au pair experience with being paid and a language course. Work programs. Erasmus work/internship offers for graduates. Volunteer programs, maybe some in your area of study, or maybe some that would be growing opportunities for you. If you're from Europe, there's EVS. Things like Workaway, Helpx or WWOOF are worth looking into. Basically don't give up. Think about what you really want and brainstorm some ideas with other students who might know something about travelling or studying abroad. Sometimes there are opportunities you don't know about. If you have a specific destination in mind, talk to people who were there - maybe they know of some opportunities that would sound interesting to you?

Basically, you can do some things to make the next months sound quite good. And it's better than concentrating on a few setbacks - everybody has these, but it's important to get up every time. And some of the things are beyond control, but you can only hope that things get better.

All best!

You are definitely not alone and having a pity party for yourself is OK from time to time. Life is tough, failures do tend to come more as a deluge than once in a blue moon.

I've always found the idea of telling yourself that life is peachy or things could be worse as silly. It's like lying to yourself.

What I do however is take a pragmatic approach. Sh$t happened, now how do I fix it?

So, the studying abroad thing - is it really destroyed or more like postponed? Can you do a semester abroad later on? Many unis and programs have that. Plus you can transfer as well. So there are realistic options you can work with.

The grades thing - in your shoes I'd be making an appointment with the professor to go over the exam, see what went wrong, see if there is a pattern where you are perhaps not understanding something correctly. Find groups or tutoring or study workshops, including test taking skills workshops. When your grades are different from your expectations, you've got some serious work to do to resolve the problems.

So, for me, focusing and immersing myself in solutions actually helps me both to resolve the issues and to feel good again and not to wallow in self pity for long.

Thank you very much for your answer!

I already do feel a bit better...

I try to give myself credit for my hard work but I study with absolutely brilliant people (my university is one of the best worldwide, especially in my major) and it is easy to feel down when you yourself are average and you only have geniuses to compare yourself too.

About the friends things: I tried to reconcile with that one person...she ignored my text. (We never fought or anything she just faded out of my life without me realizing and I don't even know what I did wrong) and for the flatmates, that is actually kinda funny: the girlfriend of the main-tennant wanted an office, as she felt she couldn't study at university, so my room become her office...

For now, I won't be able to go on exchange but I will try for internships after my master...

Thank you for your answer!

Glad to meet someone who also doesn't like the "everything could be worse" BS!

I try to give myself credit for my hard work but I study with absolutely brilliant people (my university is one of the best worldwide, especially in my major) and it is easy to feel down when you yourself are average and you only have geniuses to compare yourself too.

You don't compete with anyone. What you should try doing is getting more organized and consistent in order to get better grades. Don't compare yourself with others. It doesn't matter if you are better or worse than them anyway.

You don't compete with anyone. What you should try doing is getting more organized and consistent in order to get better grades. Don't compare yourself with others. It doesn't matter if you are better or worse than them anyway.

^This. You aren't in a competition and comparing yourself like that is just an automatic downward spiral. Besides, it isn't even accurate. You are in the program in that uni, therefore you have already been deemed good enough and as belonging there. The rest is indeed just the hard work of finding YOUR groove and what specifically works for you so that you get the grades that you want. The only person you are actually competing with here is yourself and the critic inside your own head. Figure out how to shut that critic up and you'll find that you are doing much better.

Your tuition covers mental health counseling on campus, so I'd use it. I'd consider this a clearing string designed to get all the bad stuff out of the way at once, because this would position my mind to welcome changes and take pride in my resilience.

Head high, and consider yourself stronger for the wear instead of weaker, and you'll make it so.