Boyfriend found out he is a father

My boyfriend and I have been together the better part of 7 years. We took a break around 5 years ago for roughly a year or 2 but found our way back to each other. In the past year we have been talking a lot about marriage and our future. I was ready to marry him and build my future with him up until he told me something that I think might break our relationship. About 4 months after our breakup he had a hook up with a random girl he didn't know. He got a call from her about 2 weeks later saying she was pregnant. Without getting into details he didn't believe it was possible for her to be pregnant and told her if she is she needs to get an abortion but thought she was lying so he blocked her number and never heard from her again. Years went by and he thought it was definitely a lie an attempt to get attention, etc. and over time he forgot about it. All this time we are getting closer and eventually start dating again and becoming closer growing our future together. I truly love him with all my heart but I don't know if I can live with his ghost. He then got served papers to take a paternity test and it was positive. He is now ordered to pay child support for the next 14 years. He says he doesn't want anything to do with the child or mother and I agree with him. I honestly wouldn't even think about being with him if there was going to be a child in the picture at this point. He feels horrible as he should for robbing me off the future I dreamed with him. After 7 years I can't imagine my life without him and I don't want to but this is haunting me and I feel like I don't deserve this. He wants to plan our future together and get married but I don't know if I can. I feel so cheated. I was supposed to be the one to have his children and now I feel as though I will never have the special future with him that I should have. I don't know if I can stay but I love him with all my heart .

I can understand why you are upset, OP. No, you don't deserve this - but neither does his child.

I would not continue with a man who behaved like he did upon hearing this woman was pregnant. Instead of seeking out the truth, he chose to run like a little coward and block her. That to me speaks volumes about his character; he dodged any responsibility and while he is now obliged to pay child support (and rightly so, in my opinion) his dismissive attitude about his own child would turn me right off.

Him having a child is not something that can be undone, and while I can certainly see how it be difficult for you accept (and you are certainly under no obligation to do so, should you decide this is a deal-breaker) my real problem with this would be the poor way he has handled that and how that reflects on him.

I don’t know but I could never be with somebody who ditches their own child .

I'm sure this is a tough situation, yet it's a decision only you can make.

Having said that, I find it very concerning that he wants nothing to do with his own child. He also knew beforehand that any time you have sex, there's always a chance of having an unexpected pregnancy.

Either way, I hope you find your way through this...

You were broken up for a year or two and he was free to date or sleep with who he pleased to.

I would be more upset if a man fathered a child when he wasn't dating me and wanted NOTHING to do with the child then I would be upset that he slept with someone when we were not together. Your boyfriend's character is showing through glaringly here. I think you are more concerned with wanting the idea or fantasy that he was always meant for you/no one else meant anything to him ever and that is more important to maintain over everything.

I think you need to get a reality check - to try and erase this kid so you can be the ONE who he has kids with?

If i were you, I would break up with him if he decided he was not going to support this child. I would tell him that since you were broken up when he slept with her, he did nothing wrong against you, and encourage him to do the right thing by his child financially and especially if the child wants to know his father.

BTW, the reason she could have surfaced now is that if someone is collecting benefits for their child, they try to see if the child has a father that should be supporting the child also.

I appreciate the comments. Yes he is paying child support. However i respect everyone's opinions. I honestly don't think he owes anything other than money to this child. And also I don't think he did anything wrong by sleeping with someone when we were broken up I also slept with other people. That's not what I'm upset about. I just don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with someone who has a secret child. I'm not going to get into details but it appears she purposely got pregnant and was okay with not having him around but still wants money.

Difficult situation. I am trying to get in his position and it really seems a hefty onus. Though he screwed up and he has to face the repercussions.

Sasha, you think he doesn't own anything to HIS child other than money and you agree?

I appreciate the comments. Yes he is paying child support. However i respect everyone's opinions. I honestly don't think he owes anything other than money to this child. And also I don't think he did anything wrong by sleeping with someone when we were broken up I also slept with other people. That's not what I'm upset about. I just don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with someone who has a secret child. I'm not going to get into details but it appears she purposely got pregnant and was okay with not having him around but still wants money.

Well she didn't rape him so he has as much responsibility to this child as she does. Unless she activity sabotaged his form of birth control, like poking holes in it. Even then, if you have sex with someone you assume the possibility that a child could be created.

The "I didn't think she was being honest" defense for not believing her is bull. If a woman says you got her pregnant you at least take the paternity test. Otherwise you could get sued for backpayments of child support. Ignoring her wasn't a great idea.

I would be leery of being with anyone who has that little paternal instinct.

Aaaaaaaaaaaa

Men are just as responsible for birth control as women . So if he didn’t wear a condom I don’t know what to say . But ditching innocent child nah I have no sympathy for that .

He believes that is what happened. That's why he didn't believe her bc he wore protection and thinks she poked a hole in the condom

Yes I do. This person was a stranger who tricked him and got purpose on pregnant . I'll tell you exactly why I don't think he owes anything. If I got pregnant by a stranger who wanted nothing to do with me I wouldn't have had the hold I would have had an abortion or taken a plan B. And if I was stupid enough to have a child with someone who I knew didn't want anything to do with me I wouldn't ask them for anything. I also wouldn't expect them to be in my child's life, nor would I want someone like that in my child's life. I'm not having a baby with someone who is a stranger. She made that choice when she got pregnant and kept it.

He was not "tricked" into having sex. He wanted to have sex -- and you are saying you are okay that he slept with someone while you were broke up and then are saying he was tricked. Do not demonize this woman. HE had a one night stand with some woman he just met and HE is the one you should be upset about NOT her. She didn't put a gun to his head and tell him not to wear a condom.

Its not about a stranger that wants nothing to do with you - its whats in the best interest of the child. And like i said before - she might not have asked anything of him before, but if you start to collect foodstamps or healthcare for a child from the government - social services will ask who the dad is and find them so the child is not being supported by taxpayers, but by their parents. Its compulsory

Either way he is still responsible for that child . His paying money is the very least least least least he can do.

He believes that is what happened. That's why he didn't believe her bc he wore protection and thinks she poked a hole in the condom

Keep in mind, he may also be saying this for your benefit. He thinks this is what you rather hear than "honey, i had a one night stand. it was wonderful. its what i wanted at the time. i felt desired and sexy and needed the release. I didn't think someone would get pregnant the first time sleeping with them, but i guess that's what happened."

condoms slip and break too. and if he wasn't bold enough to talk about other forms of birth control that's his fault.

Also, if he brought the condom, how can she poke holes in it?

He believes that is what happened. That's why he didn't believe her bc he wore protection and thinks she poked a hole in the condom

That is just what he told you.

But even so, as despicable as it would be to sabotage his birth control, that doesn't remove his responsibility. He still chose to have sex. If you willingly chose to have sex then the consequences are on both parties.

If she was super crazy and actually did everything you say, that just shows you his terrible judgement anyways.

You can't say that because she chose to keep the child he is absolved of blame. Then 99% of fathers that ditch their children would get away from their responcibilities.

He believes that is what happened. That's why he didn't believe her bc he wore protection and thinks she poked a hole in the condom

And if that's what he actually believed, then he knew darn well that he could be the father. Instead of being a man and searching for an answer, he told her to abort and then blocked her. And you also have no idea if his version of events is true. Think about it - you had no clue that anyone ever came to him claiming he might be a dad. You found out because he has no choice but to financially support the child. It's not as though this guy is transparent with you. I would not be at all suprised if this happened very differently from what he is claiming now.

Again, none of that is the child's fault. But ultimately, that is who is paying the price for his parents' choices.

I'm sorry OP, but I find his behaviour appalling. I could work toward accepting a child my partner didn't know he had; however, I could not overlook the series of poor decisions and immature problem-solving that led to this child being a "secret" to begin with.

For me, it would be a no go because this is about his character, not what I "deserve".

I am a firm believer in approaching sex with the realization that pregnancy is possible and discussing with a potential partner "what ifs" and being very careful about birth control, and agreeing on both. Because, the risk, no matter how slight, is there and it is a huge thing to create another life.

There is that, his neglect in that department.

And then there is his refusing to believe her and blocking her.

Add to that, " he doesn't want anything to do with the child".

3 black marks upon his character. I am glad he is paying child support now, it's too bad that it is only because he was sued for paternity. He is unable to see the bigger picture here, and that could very likely apply to other aspects of life.

Did he ever have a paternity test conducted?

Regardless, it's quite telling that, assuming he is the father, he'd be fine not being in the child's life and that you'd not only not think badly of him for it, but actually agree with him. Only person I feel bad for in this story is the kid.

Something sort of similar happened to my friend, many years ago. She was living with this amazing guy, going to get married, but he got a phone call from a woman he had been out with 4 years prior, that he slept with once. She lived in another state, and yes, she had a 4-year old daughter. Paternity test showed that my friend's then-fiance was the father.

My friend was crushed. Not only did he have a child from this woman, but she had named it my friend's absolute favorite name in the world, thereby crushing her dream for using that name.

So.....fast forward about 20 years.....what happened?

My friend married him. Together, they helped parent and raise that "little" girl, who is an adult now. They spent every other weekend driving hundreds of miles to see her. They had their own child, who became a close step-sibling. They put her through college.

In short, they both did what was right.....for the child.

Look, this girl could have poked 17 holes in the condom. It's not about a condom. It's about a child.

He believes that is what happened. That's why he didn't believe her bc he wore protection and thinks she poked a hole in the condom

Yeah right! You believe this bull?! Look, condoms have about a 20% fail rate. You really don't believe that this is the result of failed birth control? Think again. It's definitely possible. Demonizing the mother is so much easier than accepting full responsibility as a father. Raising children are so much more expensive than regular child support can offer. It wouldn't be a benefit to the mother to get purposely pregnant to make some money through the child because the years of expenses outweigh the benefit.

My father was in the same position as your boyfriend. He had a secret child; my half sister. He paid off the rest of the child support for her while he had me with my mother. Then the secret child came back into all of our lives and it was chaos for my father. Also "claimed" the other mother tricked him. He wanted nothing to do with his other daughter and didn't want me to contact her when she got in touch with us all. He resorted to physical, mental, and emotional abuse to get his way. I secretly hate both of my parents for this now. I will never forgive either of them for their behavior in this situation and will be distancing myself, maybe completely.

So, do you want to deal with a secret child now?

Did he ever have a paternity test conducted?

 

Regardless, it's quite telling that, assuming he is the father, he'd be fine not being in the child's life and that you'd not only not think badly of him for it, but actually agree with him. Only person I feel bad for in this story is the kid.

J.man, from her original post:

" He then got served papers to take a paternity test and it was positive."

And I agree with you. Why should the child be without a father in his/her life just because it's inconvenient and annoying to the child's father and current girlfriend??

OP, I guess you should hope your relationship with this guy stays good, because you know he would have no problem turning his back on any children you two might have together. These kind of things tend to come around.

J.man, from her original post:

 

" He then got served papers to take a paternity test and it was positive."

 

And I agree with you. Why should the child be without a father in his/her life just because it's inconvenient and annoying to the child's father and current girlfriend??

 

OP, I guess you should hope your relationship with this guy stays good, because you know he would have no problem turning his back on any children you two might have together. These kind of things tend to come around.

Something sort of similar happened to my friend, many years ago. She was living with this amazing guy, going to get married, but he got a phone call from a woman he had been out with 4 years prior, that he slept with once. She lived in another state, and yes, she had a 4-year old daughter. Paternity test showed that my friend's then-fiance was the father.

 

My friend was crushed. Not only did he have a child from this woman, but she had named it my friend's absolute favorite name in the world, thereby crushing her dream for using that name.

 

So.....fast forward about 20 years.....what happened?

 

My friend married him. Together, they helped parent and raise that "little" girl, who is an adult now. They spent every other weekend driving hundreds of miles to see her. They had their own child, who became a close step-sibling. They put her through college.

 

In short, they both did what was right.....for the child.

 

Look, this girl could have poked 17 holes in the condom. It's not about a condom. It's about a child.

How heartwarming. I really wish the same happened with my family

Instead I have a father who refuses to accept any responsibility towards this other child and it's tearing my immediate family apart...

 

OP, I guess you should hope your relationship with this guy stays good, because you know he would have no problem turning his back on any children you two might have together. These kind of things tend to come around.

Exactly what I was thinking. If he wants nothing to do with one child, it seems obvious he wont want anything to do with any children!!!