Not sure if I love her

I’m 38 and I’m in a relationship with a woman a little older than me.

From the age of puberty to 34 I’ve always been alone. I’ve never had a girlfriend, and you can imagine that it was hard. I’ve dated with someone for very short periods but without getting further on, either because I was rejected or because of mutual lack of interest. So I know what it means to be alone, and it sucks, but I grew accustomed to it, and I pictured myself as being alone my entire life.

Then I met her. At first I wasn’t really convinced, but given my situation I thought to give it a try. We’ve been together for almost 4 years now. Still, I don’t know if I love her or not. She is great, I like her personality and I think we are a good match in terms of compatibility. She is clever, loving, passionate, good-hearted. Still, I don’t find her so attractive as someone in love should do. Not that she cannot turn me on, on the contrary, sex is great and I have nothing to complain in that area. But when I look at her, I don’t think “how gorgeous is my woman” like a person in love. Sometimes she suffers because she thinks that I don’t find her very attractive, which is partially true. But I love her for other reasons more important than her looks.

Basically I don’t know if I truly love her or I’m with her just because she brightens my life. These last years with her have certainly been the happiest of my life, and I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to go back to my lonely and horrible life for another 10 or 20 years or forever.

So I don’t know if I’m holding her while I should leave her, or instead commit to her and try harder.

Seeing a psychologist would be a good idea?

Yes, seeing a psychologist would be a brilliant idea. Your views on what love is are pretty distorted and need some serious fine tuning.....or just tuning up to reality.

So you like her. She makes your life brighter. She's made the last few years of your life the happiest ones you've had. You even say in this post that you love her for more than her looks.

To me it sounds like you love her. Just that you expect love to act or feel some way that it isn't at the moment. But even if you don't "truly love" her it doesn't sound like their are any down sides to the relationship. So why think about breaking up?

I agree with DancingFool, a psychologist might help you sort through your ideas about love, attachment, attraction and commitment. I certainly don't think you should walk away from someone who makes your life so much better because you are worried that you aren't feeling the right kind of love.

So you like her. She makes your life brighter. She's made the last few years of your life the happiest ones you've had. You even say in this post that you love her for more than her looks.

 

To me it sounds like you love her. Just that you expect love to act or feel some way that it isn't at the moment. But even if you don't "truly love" her it doesn't sound like their are any down sides to the relationship. So why think about breaking up?

 

I agree with DancingFool, a psychologist might help you sort through your ideas about love, attachment, attraction and commitment. I certainly don't think you should walk away from someone who makes your life so much better because you are worried that you aren't feeling the right kind of love.

I totally agree with everyone else....

Love is not about "looks"...

Love is about everything else...

Yes, it does feel good waking up in the morning next to someone that is nice to look at... And if you do get that feeling, than you achieved it for yourself... Also remember, it is not about, what others think about your partner... it is about what and how you feel about your partner... Also remember this: No one is perfect and love is loving someone and accepting their imperfections...

Sounds to me that you do have a great relationship... Be happy with it because many of us wish to have a great relationship.... I personally would rather have a awesome average girl and a awesome relationship with her, than a Barbie that is shallow.... Hope you get my drift here?

I guess all the issue comes down to the fact that when I look at her I don't think she's beautiful. I think she's ok. And that is not what a person in love should think.

And even if I can live with that (hoping that it would not damage our relationship in the future), am I supposed to lie to her forever saying that she's beautiful? I can do it, of course, but is it right? What if she one day finds out that I've always been lying?

I guess all the issue comes down to the fact that when I look at her I don't think she's beautiful. I think she's ok. And that is not what a person in love should think.

...But that's where you are wrong..... When you look at top models in a magazine, you should think they are beautiful. When you look at your SO, you should see a vibrant, multi-dimensional person who brightens your life and brings a multitude of qualities to the table and yes, some flaws too...because she is a living breathing human being and not just a pretty picture in a magazine.

I'm sorry but you really do sound kind of emotionally immature and really would benefit from some counseling to get your ideas of what is and isn't adjusted.

I guess all the issue comes down to the fact that when I look at her I don't think she's beautiful. I think she's ok. And that is not what a person in love should think.

And even if I can live with that (hoping that it would not damage our relationship in the future), am I supposed to lie to her forever saying that she's beautiful? I can do it, of course, but is it right? What if she one day finds out that I've always been lying?

I have partners I know are more or less commercially attractive. I know they aren't models. But I'm still very attracted to them and I love them. Do you really think she isn't beautiful? When you think about the passion, the care, the love you get from her and you can't think that's beautiful? When you say she is beautiful it feels like a lie? Because beauty is really in the eye of the beholder.

If those words feel bad why not use other ones? Like "I'm so attracted to you" or "You make me happy" or "I so enjoy the time we have together" or any other words that are true and don't feel like a lie.

Are you really this twisted up because she doesn't physically look the right way to you? You love the sex, the companionship and everything else but you can't "lie" to her and call her beautiful? When someone calls me beautiful I don't assume that they have done an exhaustive search of all female faces and bodies and decided mine is the best. I assume that they have feelings for me that make me beautiful to them.

Are you by any chance on the autism spectrum?

I guess all the issue comes down to the fact that when I look at her I don't think she's beautiful. I think she's ok. And that is not what a person in love should think.

What do you mean by that? Is it your objective mind/logical side saying: "I know that there are better looking women out there"? Or is it - "I don't find this person to be beautiful"?

Here is my point. I think my girlfriend is beautiful, but do I think that there are better looking women out there, objectively speaking - YES. I know that there are. Fitter, cleaner skin, bigger boobs, etc etc. But when I look at a girl like that, I am just admiring a body - when I look at my girl I admire her as a complete person, and from the girls I know, no one as a complete person is more beautiful than she is.

Have you ever interacted with a girl who is absolutely stunning, but is one of the following:

1) Dumb as a brick

2) Stuck up/y/arrogant/poor attitude in general/needs to be the center of attention

How beautiful was that girl after talking to her for 10 minutes? I mean, you might have wanted to have sex with her, but live with a woman like that? Hell no... shes an ugly creature on my books.

If you can't find the woman you are with to be beautiful as a person, then something is wrong. Knowing objectively that there are better "looking" women out there - perfectly normal.

I'm probably, well almost certainly, emotionally immature. How could it be different if that is the first relationship that I had? I have the same experience of a 17 years old, or maybe less. But I really don't want my past to screw up the present.

I do find her beautiful as a person, that's for sure and I have no doubts. But when I walk down the street, I see many stunning beautiful girls around me, and I keep thinking "I wish her was as beautiful as they are (from just an aesthetic point of view)", and I hate myself for that. Maybe I'm too shallow, but female beauty is something that strikes me a lot. Sometimes I see model-like girls and I'm literally blown away. Maybe it's because I have never experienced a relationship with one of these externally beautiful girl. But I do reckon that inner beauty is much more important than external one.

I'll probably see a psychologist to see if he can help me.

Thank you very much for the answers.

Well....I mean it's normal to notice attractive people around you regardless of your relationship status. You can love your SO with all your heart and mind, but if a perfect 10 walks by, if you are a healthy red blooded person, you will notice. It's just normal to notice, even normal to feel attraction. It's just that when you are a decent person and you love your partner, you don't go chasing after that 10 asking for a date. Loyalty to your relationship is a daily choice you have to make and some days it's going to be harder than others. That's kind of the unromantic reality of relationships. It doesn't really work like you think that if you are in love, then you are blind and dead to other attractive people around you.

I think love and attraction go hand in hand. I never once was in love and said my boyfriend wasnt hot at the same time. It doesnt make sense. If anything you find someone hot but still cant feel a spark. Not the other way around! So you do have a point. Where I get confused is how you can have a great sex life if you dont find her beautiful? Thinking others are hot? Shes onvuously doing something for you. Attraction and sex life go hand in hand. Again, I never said my bf was unattractive yet I couldnt wait to sleep with him. You have to evaluate what you define as love.

We all want the total package and spark. But honestly its very rare that we get it all. I think the other qualities of your gf outweigh the attraction thing however everyone deserves to feel their gf/bf is hot. She is eventually going to feel the brunt of things when you dont compliment her enough . A woman knows when a man isnt into her looks. And furthermore your eyes may wander . Also a bad thing for both of you.

I am an average looking lady, in my opinion. I am in decent shape (work out frequently). I tend to seek out men in the "same lane" as me. I really don't care what they look like, as long as I am not completed turned off (not saying this to be cruel). The rest is all about the heart. Yes, there is outer beauty, but in time, that will fade, and only the inner will be left. Focus on the inner beauty. You were alone most of your adult life - which leads me to believe the hot babes weren't seeking you out. I would think long and hard before exiting your current relationship. Just my 2 cents.

I can recall a young man many years ago who was interested in me, but I was not interested in him. He was not handsome. Probably, you would say that he was average looking. I came to love that young man very much and a handsome man would not even interest me. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your girlfriend. Maybe good enough for marriage. chi

Thank you for the answers.

I probably should leave her. She deserves someone that could appreciate her more than I do, that sees her beautiful on the outside too. I mean, I think she's great in lots of other ways. Firstly she can put up with me, and considering my very difficult character this is amazing on its own. If I should leave her there are slim chances that I can find someone else, and even slimmer that I can find someone better. On the contrary she would be better off without me, but she loves me (I don't know why).

I don’t know how important the looks are for me. She does turn me on because she has a fine and slim body considering her age, but I wouldn’t say she’s beautiful. And I think she understand this and suffers a bit from it. Of course I wouldn’t change her for someone who is beautiful but dumb or simply doesn’t care for me.

We all need to accept compromises in life, but is this the case or am I settling just for fear of being alone (which is in any case a very justified fear)?

I’ll try to commit to her and go on, but this feeling if am I doing the right thing or not, in particular to her, keeps haunting me.

I have always found that when a person cannot find beauty in their partner, it is due to the person feeling they themselves lack something beautiful. Insecurity can easily be deflected into thinking their partner is not enough. Considering you've spent most of your life alone and rejected, I really think you may not know how to love her. Learn to love yourself first.