What should I do?

Let me start by saying that I am overweight. Always have been. My S.O. is and looks very healthy. She pursued me, so I never expected that my weight would be an issue seeing as I am the same from when we started dating. It’s not like I was skinny and then gained a lot of weight.

We have been together almost a year and a half and recently over the past few months whenever we are in an argument, she always tries to find hurtful things to say to me. Especially the lines, “you’re lazy”, “you’re fat”, “you fat ass”.. always something pertaining to my weight. When the fight is over I always ask if my weight actually bothers her that much? Because I don’t want to be ridiculed every time she is angry. She always responds by saying, “No baby I’m sorry I was just angry, don’t every change you body. I love you just the way you are.” Which makes me feel great, until we have our next fight and she does it all over again. I had an open and honest conversation with her and told her how much the things she says hurts me and we agreed that she would try harder to be kind to me. It only continued.

Anyways it started to become a habit I wasn’t able to ignore anymore. Although I know your SO should love you no matter what, but I had been saying that I’ve been wanting to get healthy for awhile. I decided to sign up for the gym and not only live healthier but also give her one less thing to pick at.

She then got mad at me for trying to change myself because she “ loves me just the way I am”.

I am at a loss as to what I can do on my end, I have tried communicating with her about my feelings and taken her possible issues with my weight into consideration, and using it as motivation to be healthier. What should I do? New method of communication? Just don’t let it bother me?

I’m lost. Help me.

Yeah, she's insecure about something. She's certainly trying to control you with the insults. She knows how to hurt you.

The real issue isn't your weight, but rather what you guys argue about. What are you arguing about? That's the real issue.

By all means strive for a healthier life and look after your body but I'd be genuinely considering splitting with your partner. What she's doing is emotional abuse. If you lost the weight, she would move the goal posts and attack you for something else. If you aren't ready to leave, couples counselling? You've done well to articulate how she's hurting you, yet she keeps doing it.

"Although I know your SO should love you no matter what..."

- Respect must come before genuine love. (Yep, there's different kinds of love!)

"...I had an open and honest conversation with her..."

"communicating with her about my feelings..."

- Stop talking (offering up), so much. Women/wives loss respect when you do.

What is your height/weight?

Did you have a reasonable/intelligent discovery period? (Dating)

Were you both free to marry?

Was it a trapped union?

Do you come from compatible backgrounds?

First aid:

Getting in shape is a good idea. Telling her/talking about it is a bad idea. (At least while she's in this strange place she's in.)

Here's a thought: How much does she weigh? Make that your target weight loss goal - by kicking her rude butt to the curb.

She is verbally abusive, OP. That should indeed bother you.

Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, and you were mocking her fat ass and thunder thighs every time you argued? Unacceptable. The fact that she continues to demean and insult you is unacceptable too. She is also trying to sabotage your efforts to get healthy. Not good.

I would strongly advise you to consider ending this. There is no excuse for degrading your partner in such a manner, and points to much deeper problems than just appearances. Losing weight won't fix that.

Here's a thought: How much does she weigh? Make that your target weight loss goal - by kicking her rude butt to the curb.

 

She is verbally abusive, OP. That should indeed bother you.

 

Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, and you were mocking her fat ass and thunder thighs every time you argued? Unacceptable. The fact that she continues to demean and insult you is unacceptable too. She is also trying to sabotage your efforts to get healthy. Not good.

 

I would strongly advise you to consider ending this. There is no excuse for degrading your partner in such a manner, and points to much deeper problems than just appearances. Losing weight won't fix that.

100% behind this. This is abuse. Ditch her.

I'm overweight so I can appreciate how her comments would hurt you. I say dump her.

Your weight isn't the problem here and no, she doesn't have a problem with it.

What she does have a problem with are horrific conflict resolution skills or rather lack of. She fights dirty and hits below the belt where it will hurt you the most. This is actually a serious problem that can destroy relationships. Your solution to lose weight so she can't attack that isn't going to work because it will not change her style of fighting. She will simply find something else that hurts and go after that instead. Remember, you aren't the problem here, how she responds to conflict is.

What you can do is tell her flat out that her fighting style is a serious problem for you, that you are not willing to tolerate this kind of behavior anymore and if this continues, you will leave her and mean it. You can also toss a carrot at her that you would be willing to work with her on conflict resolution skills together as a couple so that this issue doesn't destroy your relationship. If she refuses to even acknowledge that she has a problem, walk out on her.

Good for you for coming here and good for you for wanting to live a healthier life. Loosing the weight will make your life longer and more active but do it for yourself not for anyone else.

I totally agree with the others. She sounds like she is losing the fight so she lashes out at you with personal attacks on your weight. It could be anything that she thinks will hurt you so don't get hung up on the content of her attacks, only the intent.

What are these fights about?

Couples counseling will help because not having good conflict resolution skills will destroy even the most loving relationship.

Lost

Hey there! I have tried sooo many different ways to get back in shape and I can honestly tell you 100% the FASTEST way to get back into shape no questions asked is to go to boxing / Muay Tai 4 times a week....just do it....I guarantee you it will change your life...you will have soo much more energy than you could imagine...

I tried all these things and nothing seemed to work...not even close....

The great thing is that you don't even have to think of what to do.....just show up....the trainer will let ya know everything....

Don't worry soo much about what your lady said....Maybe it's a good thing...we all need a good kick in the balls every now and then to take action

"Although I know your SO should love you no matter what..."

- Respect must come before genuine love. (Yep, there's different kinds of love!)

 

"...I had an open and honest conversation with her..."

"communicating with her about my feelings..."

- Stop talking (offering up), so much. Women/wives loss respect when you do.

 

What is your height/weight?

Did you have a reasonable/intelligent discovery period? (Dating)

Were you both free to marry?

Was it a trapped union?

Do you come from compatible backgrounds?

 

First aid:

Getting in shape is a good idea. Telling her/talking about it is a bad idea. (At least while she's in this strange place she's in.)

I’m about 5’3”, about 200lbs. But I was the same weight when we began dating.

We have been together a year and a half. Not yet married, but engaged.

I’m not sure if our backgrounds are compatible or not... clarify??

I’m about 5’3”, about 200lbs. But I was the same weight when we began dating.

 

We have been together a year and a half. Not yet married, but engaged.

 

I’m not sure if our backgrounds are compatible or not... clarify??

Please do not get married until your conflict resolution skills as a couple are fixed. This vicious form of fighting is not acceptable and it will destroy you as a person and will absolutely end up in divorce down the road after a whole lot bitterness and mental and emotional damage. Do not do this to yourself. Demand counseling so you can both learn how to resolve conflict without resorting to daggers and punching below the belt. I say both, because ultimately it does take two to fight and two to work out different methods to solve conflict.

 

What are these fights about?

 

 

 

Lost

It varies honestly, we fight about small things mostly, things that shouldn’t escalate to insults.

We often have many differences in opinion, which I always tell her in and of itself isn’t a big problem as long as we are willing to come to some type of compromise. But she has a “my way or the highway” type of the attitude, and if I don’t concede to her way and she doesn’t get what she wants, the insults start coming.

I’m just trying to find a way to breakthrough to her, and get her to understand that a simple conversation is much more effective than destructive argument. Logically she knows that, but when she is angry she loses all reason.

I know I am not perfect, and am guilty of losing my temper here and there, but I know how to reel myself back and apologize. I think that’s what she is lacking, that self-control.

But she has a “my way or the highway” type of the attitude, and if I don’t concede to her way and she doesn’t get what she wants, the insults start coming.

Sorry to hear about that! People usually treat you how you let them, so next time she tries to insult you tell her it is not appropriate and you will not accept this behaviour. If she threatens to leave afterwards, say "there's the door and don't let it your ass on the way out."

9/10 times she will then get pissed, leave, and then come back later and apologize....

Everyone will get pissed and say stupid things at one point or another...you just gotta step and and put your foot down....sure I bet she might throw a tantrum....but the greatest skill in negotiating is the ability to walk away

Anyway, I kinda wish my gf would have called me a fat ass a long time ago...She would always say I am sexy no matter what and then I gained 30 lbs!! Go figure!! ha (I'm doing boxing and now getting back in shape tho)

It varies honestly, we fight about small things mostly, things that shouldn’t escalate to insults.

 

We often have many differences in opinion, which I always tell her in and of itself isn’t a big problem as long as we are willing to come to some type of compromise. But she has a “my way or the highway” type of the attitude, and if I don’t concede to her way and she doesn’t get what she wants, the insults start coming.

 

I’m just trying to find a way to breakthrough to her, and get her to understand that a simple conversation is much more effective than destructive argument. Logically she knows that, but when she is angry she loses all reason.

 

I know I am not perfect, and am guilty of losing my temper here and there, but I know how to reel myself back and apologize. I think that’s what she is lacking, that self-control.

Do you see how manipulative she is?

Why do you want to be with someone who is a difficult jerk?

Oops, my mistake.

Her meanness made me automatically think this was affair triggered, old dying marriage.

I highly doubt any relationship counselor can fix this.

She has abusive tendencies.

You got to weigh (no pun), the pros and cons yourself.

I find that insulting one's partner -- no matter the severity -- isn't healthy.

I'm more likely to be upset with my partner saying "you're stupid" or "you're an a$$hole" than "you're being ridiculous - this is exhausting," or "I think you're being inconsiderate with this." It's actually very easy to communicate dissatisfaction or frustration with a partner without flinging insults. Suffice to say, she should not be insulting you even when she's frustrated with you - that's a red flag.

Honestly, it's good that you're working out and going to the gym - but do it for yourself and your desire to be healthy/attractive - not to avoid her abuse.

Getting in shape is a good idea. Telling her/talking about it is a bad idea. (At least while she's in this strange place she's in.)

Do the gym for you. You don't need her permission to do something that is going to make you healthier and will improve your own self-worth so that you won't allow her to demean you like she does. Form strong personal boundaries that you won't allow her to cross...

Please leave the room/house the minute she says anything about your weight in the future and head for the gym or go for a walk so that you're not enabling her behaviour towards you.