Do you know why women don't report sexual assault ? I do

My last post was about me questioning what happened to be the night prior. It was about 6 months ago. I was confused, hurt, and in shock. I asked a question here trying to make sense what had happened to me and I asked for advice on what to do next.

Long story short, I drank too much and mixed prescriptions drugs so I blacked out. I woke up next to an acquaintance naked and confused. I was sore down there and later discovered a huge bruise on my left cheek. I attempted to ask what happened but he refused to even look at me and told me to get out of his apartment.

I told my sister and I was pressured to press charges. I went to the ER the next day for a rape kit and reported it to the police. I didn't really know what to do at that point but just went along with what my sister wanted because I thought it was the right thing to do.

After i reported him to the police, the police never spoke to me again. I tried asking about my case but was shut down and was told that the officer who took my report will contact me but never did. I doubt they even believed me or maybe they did but probably believe that I deserved it because I admitted to drinking heavily and using drugs. They told me they would get my belongings back from him but I never did.

I tried contacting the SART team a month later and they told me most rape kits don't even get tested. I have never heard from them. I was seeing a counselor and told the counselor about this and she told me she could call them and ask. My counselor told me that she had access to the report and told me that the report indicates that something did happen and there was DNA found on my neck and I had bruising on my vagina. After hearing about this, I decided to report this to title 9.

Title 9 launched an investigatiion but when they did, I already graduated and so did he.

It's been about 4 months since I reported this to title 9 and yet the investigation is still active.

I decided that enough is enough so today, I emailed the title 9 officer resolution and kindly asked her to close the investigation. I have forgiven him and myself and just want to move on and closure.

This has been a painful experience and i believe that it's even more painful that I reached the criminal justice for system and title 9 for help but they have failed. I believe that it is better if I didn't report. I spent 7 hours at the hospital being questioned and the SART exam was invasive. I also spent hours reliving the moment when I was asked to describe what happened to me in detail when I decided to report it to title 9.

The only thing that the justice system made me believe is that I deserved what happened to me or that it was my fault because I drank heavily and used drugs.

Requesting to close the investigation is the best step that I took.

This is why I believe that sexual assault and rape cases are under reported

Wow.. I'm so sorry that you never got any resolution to this.

I know you're not me but I'd be going to the newspaper about what you've NOT got done by the police or "Title 9" (whatever that may be?) With all the publicity regarding Harvey Weinstein I think you may get further. I'd not want an acquaintance to get away with date raping. He may do it again to someone else.

That being said, As I mentioned. We all would handle this in the way that is the best for ourselves. No judgement whatsoever.

Thank you for updating us... I'm angry for you.

Sexual assault and rape are, legally speaking, rough terrain to legally traverse. On one hand, it's an exceptionally heinous crime to commit. On the other, the burden of proof is equally heavy as most any other serious crime to establish guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. Rape isn't the only assault where reporting rarely ends with a "success" story. Far from it, in fact. Title 9, for a lot of good I think it actually does, has done a lot to circumvent that burden of proof in favor of security over due process, but that's another topic for another day. Main point being that, again, given how psychologically and more socially and culturally afflicting it is compared to other crimes, we tend to lament it much more when we don't get a charge and guilty verdict as a consequence of rape.

Basically, and I'd hate to say it, but you don't report a rape with the expectation of justice. You don't report any crime for that reason. I mean, you can. But until Minority Report becomes a reality, statistics show you'll be left immensely disappointed for it. Again, that's for the bulk of crimes. The best you can hope for is it being documented and, if nothing comes of it this time, then when and if that sub-human strikes again, they've got some additional weight behind their investigation. And, of course, you shouldn't let it stop you from pursuing it as much and as hard as you feel compelled.

Now, are there complete ***holes who go above and beyond in all but laughing women off? Absolutely. They're a scourge on our society and I'd be just as glad to see them buried beneath the prison yard right next to the rapists themselves. But the very last thing I'd ever hope to perpetuate would be the notion you shouldn't report because they didn't happen to get the guy who assaulted you.

I'm extremely sorry this happened to you. I'm extremely proud of you for coming forward and I do hope more and more women will continue to do so as your voices are needed.

The tough thing about it was that NOTHING seems to have been done at all. It doesn't look like they even questioned this creep.

they told me most rape kits don't even get tested.

After i reported him to the police, the police never spoke to me again. I tried asking about my case but was shut down and was told that the officer who took my report will contact me but never did.

That's what hurts me the most. I just felt like no one really cared.

I feel like the police didn't believe me. To this day, all my questions are still unanswered. But it's ok. I forgave him and I forgave myself.

Amanda: I heard on the radio this morning that Twitter has a group going #MeToo wherein those that have been victims of sexual harassment and assault are telling their story. I'm not sure if that's something you'd be interested in but there is comfort in numbers for some. Know that you're not alone and all too often nothing gets done.

Perhaps these woman's voices will start to change that.

Men need to be more educated early on in their lives that no means no (no matter what situation a woman has put herself in) and that a passed out woman cannot give consent.

The twitter hashtag includes men sharing their experiences, and men exhorting men to check themselves and to stand with women.

The twitter hashtag includes men sharing their experiences, and men exhorting men to check themselves and to stand with women.

I'm not a member of Twitter so was just going by what the radio announcer was relating about it. Is it a good thing or does it appear to be fluff?

I am sorry that this happened to you and that’s absolutely why they go unreported . As a 14-year-old I had to stand in court on my own without my parents to be questioned by the person who raped me . And yeah he got to walk away and go on to rape more kids . And he ‘s still out there today. Unfortunately the justice system is still absolutely archaic . All we can do is speak out and stand strong together . And teach our children not to be predators .

Amanda: I heard on the radio this morning that Twitter has a group going #MeToo wherein those that have been victims of sexual harassment and assault are telling their story. I'm not sure if that's something you'd be interested in but there is comfort in numbers for some. Know that you're not alone and all too often nothing gets done.

 

Perhaps these woman's voices will start to change that.

 

Men need to be more educated early on in their lives that no means no (no matter what situation a woman has put herself in) and that a passed out woman cannot give consent.

Yes, I have absolutely educated my son to respect himself and to respect women and to respect those who are inebriated. He will absolutely respect the dignity of every person .

But if anything giving a report leaves a paper trail . The more paper trails the faster they eventually get caught .

Ugh. I am really sorry and really angry on your behalf. This is awful. I too have gone to the police about situations - once when I got my apartment broken into, and other when I was being stalked, and they didn't do much. The police said they would deal with the stalker, then I found out they didn't when he bothered me again. (The first time, they were like, oh, he just likes you, he doesn't sound that bad.) Only after the second time I reported him did they go out and talk to him and confirm that yes, he was creepy.

I'm still glad you reported it. I would be really angry in your shoes and would probably have a hard time not broadcasting all over Facebook, instagram, etc... the identity of my rapist. That's just me. I hope that karma catches up with that creep. ugh

But if anything giving a report leaves a paper trail . The more paper trails the faster they eventually get caught .

yeah, sadly, maybe he won't get arrested for what he did to you, but if he does it to more women, they might finally take it seriously. Sad to say that it takes multiple women coming forward sometimes to get the attention of the authorities.

Sexual assault and rape are, legally speaking, rough terrain to legally traverse. On one hand, it's an exceptionally heinous crime to commit. On the other, the burden of proof is equally heavy as most any other serious crime to establish guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. Rape isn't the only assault where reporting rarely ends with a "success" story. Far from it, in fact. Title 9, for a lot of good I think it actually does, has done a lot to circumvent that burden of proof in favor of security over due process, but that's another topic for another day. Main point being that, again, given how psychologically and more socially and culturally afflicting it is compared to other crimes, we tend to lament it much more when we don't get a charge and guilty verdict as a consequence of rape.

 

I had this concern too - I work at a university and we had title 9 training about reporting rapes to the campus - but I was sitting there the whole time thinking that it was a criminal matter for the police to handle, not the university. Oh well.

yeah, sadly, maybe he won't get arrested for what he did to you, but if he does it to more women, they might finally take it seriously. Sad to say that it takes multiple women coming forward sometimes to get the attention of the authorities.

Unfortunately sad but true.

I had this concern too - I work at a university and we had title 9 training about reporting rapes to the campus - but I was sitting there the whole time thinking that it was a criminal matter for the police to handle, not the university. Oh well.

I'm not a member of Twitter so was just going by what the radio announcer was relating about it. Is it a good thing or does it appear to be fluff?

People are putting very difficult crimes out into the public space. Apppears meaningful.

by title 9 you mean this was reported to the school/it was a school investigation rather than actual law enforcement? I would have demanded that this not be simply a campus matter. title 9 stinks because guys who were falsely accused are guilty until proven innocent (i am talking things that are completely fabricated for revenge or misidentification of the culprit) and women don't receive justice because all the school can do is suspend or expel.

by title 9 you mean this was reported to the school/it was a school investigation rather than actual law enforcement? I would have demanded that this not be simply a campus matter. title 9 stinks because guys who were falsely accused are guilty until proven innocent (i am talking things that are completely fabricated for revenge or misidentification of the culprit) and women don't receive justice because all the school can do is suspend or expel.

I am not sure what it takes to get something into the off-campus jurisdiction. I bet there is a strong bias to keeping campus matters within the school's jurisdiction. An aggrieved party may need substantial support to "demand" it be handled by the town.

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I am not sure what it takes to get something into the off-campus jurisdiction. I bet there is a strong bias to keeping campus matters within the school's jurisdiction. An aggrieved party may need substantial support to "demand" it be handled by the town.

If you report it to the regular police and not campus police, does that make a difference?

That is why my parents always told me and my sister if anything ever happens to us like that go straight to them and tell no one else.

I am very sorry that this happened to you. I am afraid that if I found out this happened to anyone I knew I would take matters into my own hands.

I have little faith in justice.

Very sorry this happened...

I am not sure what it takes to get something into the off-campus jurisdiction. I bet there is a strong bias to keeping campus matters within the school's jurisdiction. An aggrieved party may need substantial support to "demand" it be handled by the town.

A responsible or simply barebones decent campus administration will disclose to someone reporting rape that going through the campus administration is not a substitute for the formal reporting of a crime. But, as you say, I wouldn't doubt a lot are shady about that fact due to the in-house bias.

Now the OP did disclose she reported to police, so I'm just speaking in general. It is its own problem that students report to their administration under the assumption that it serves the same function as reporting to police.

Just reason #10962 why I help myself to a bump of whisky after coming home from working in academia all day.

Thing is campus adjudication doesn't necessarily involve campus police, which would still handle it as a criminal matter just as much as a city or state police would (assume we're talking an actual PD and not a contracted security firm). Title IX serves many, many good functions, overshadowed by the relatively recent trend of essentially treating rape and sexual violence as a glorified HR endeavor where, as abitbroken very accurately states, most often nobody really wins, whether you're a [typically] male student being suspended or expelled without due process or an actual victim not receiving at least the remote possibility of criminal justice.

 

A responsible or simply barebones decent campus administration will disclose to someone reporting rape that going through the campus administration is not a substitute for the formal reporting of a crime. But, as you say, I wouldn't doubt a lot are shady about that fact due to the in-house bias.

 

Now the OP did disclose she reported to police, so I'm just speaking in general. It is its own problem that students report to their administration under the assumption that it serves the same function as reporting to police.

 

Just reason #10962 why I help myself to a bump of whisky after coming home from working in academia all day.

A good post.

Years ago my car was broken into on a school campus. I was told to report it to campus police, which I did. I later went to local police station where I learned there was no interaction at all between the two. I had been given the impression that campus police was all that was necessary. I wonder if the school was trying to protect its rep.

Thank you all for your kind replies. It makes me feel better and feel like at least someone out there cares. I have spoken to a counselor and reached to "rape crisis hotlines" a few times but felt like they didn't really care so thank you for that.

This painful experience showed me the harsh reality of sexual assault. It is under reported and now I understand why.even if you do decide to report it, it does not always make you feel better. I learned to be stronger though. I am more cautious, I am less trustworthy, and felt like I have been given a wake up call. I stopped abusing xanax. It was a dangerous and self destructive path that I was on. Who knows what could have happened if "that night " didn't happen. I was unstoppable. I could have overdosed and could be dead by now and my bad habit of abusing prescription drugs could manifest to something even worse. Like battling a nasty addiction. (I was already in the way there )I guess what I am saying is maybe everything happens for a reason.

Even though numerous people told me I am not at fault, I do believe that both of us are at fault. I shouldn't have put myself in that situation and I do take responsibility on my part. He never apologized to me or spoke to me again (title 9 issued a restraining order so that could be it. Who knows) but I forgive him. I still don't know what happened to this day and I have no recollection of what happened at all. It's time to move on. In a way, I do thank him for getting me out of this self destructive path that I was heading. I was on my way to an ugly future but at least I learned from my mistakes. He on the other hand, will always be a creep and that is not my fault.

P.S I heard from numerous women from campus that this is not the first time someone accused him of non consensual sex.

Thank you all for your kind replies. It makes me feel better and feel like at least someone out there cares. I have spoken to a counselor and reached to "rape crisis hotlines" a few times but felt like they didn't really care so thank you for that.

 

This painful experience showed me the harsh reality of sexual assault. It is under reported and now I understand why.even if you do decide to report it, it does not always make you feel better. I learned to be stronger though. I am more cautious, I am less trustworthy, and felt like I have been given a wake up call. I stopped abusing xanax. It was a dangerous and self destructive path that I was on. Who knows what could have happened if "that night " didn't happen. I was unstoppable. I could have overdosed and could be dead by now and my bad habit of abusing prescription drugs could manifest to something even worse. Like battling a nasty addiction. (I was already in the way there )I guess what I am saying is maybe everything happens for a reason.

 

Even though numerous people told me I am not at fault, I do believe that both of us are at fault. I shouldn't have put myself in that situation and I do take responsibility on my part. He never apologized to me or spoke to me again (title 9 issued a restraining order so that could be it. Who knows) but I forgive him. I still don't know what happened to this day and I have no recollection of what happened at all. It's time to move on. In a way, I do thank him for getting me out of this self destructive path that I was heading. I was on my way to an ugly future but at least I learned from my mistakes. He on the other hand, will always be a creep and that is not my fault.

 

P.S I heard from numerous women from campus that this is not the first time someone accused him of non consensual sex.

I will say that yes, each of us is responsible for protecting ourselves, using good judgment, remaining in control of our choices.

I will also say that it is. not. your. fault.

You left yourself defenseless. Had others identified themselves as attackers, you would have made a different choice.

We are right to own our physical selves and we are right to expect others will respect that boundary. When someone else violates that boundary it is their responsibility that it happened, not yours. Another person has many choices to make -- to be helpful. To check on your health. To keep you free from others who may be unsafe. The choice to harm you belongs squarely on the individual who made it.