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Thread: To get over it I have to go through it

  1. #21
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    Wow, it was actually day 4 of NC. I didn't realize how much time had passed with no contact. I was surprised by that for sure. I saw he called this morning. I tried to call back and it went to vm. He then texted that he meant to call his boss but called me on accident. I said no worries and that I didn't take it personally. Haven't heard from him since.

    My birthday is a week from tomorrow and I reached out to a friend and coordinated a bday outing at a friend's arcade bar. If I get a good response via RSVP I can plan to see people I haven't seen in a long time. I need to do something other than sit at home or wait around for HIM to take notice. As a matter of fact I did not invite HIM.

    I just want to see people I haven't seen in a while and celebrate another year that without sitting at home and feeling terrible. I also want to focus on ME as it is my birthday.

    He didn't try to contact me for 4 days and I was more than ok with it. Why focus on HIM or the things I wish I had but don't - like a loving healthy relationship? It's about me next Friday!

  2. #22
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    3 Days NC - He accidentally called me on Weds. I got a text reminder that he has a dental appointment at 9 am this morning. The dental office thinks I am his wife and so they text me about his appointments. I just ignored them. I did NOT reach to him and I won't.

    I have nothing left to give. I am all maxed out on giving anymore. I think over the last week it has just become clear that I am beating a dead horse and that horse is now past the stage of even remotely resembling something living.

    It's my birthday in less than a week and he hasn't expressed any recognition of that. He didn't commit to seeing me on Thanksgiving and has had no room in his life to even be remotely friendly. Its just over.

    If a man wants to see you he will make it happen. He isn't making it happen.

    "I miss you. I want you to know that. Maybe I don't miss you the way you would want me to. Maybe just by saying it alone I make things harder than I need to. But I can't pretend I don't. You were a part of my life that doesn't get replaced easily - if ever. We had a connection that rivals most in my mind, and to act as if I don't feel that void every now and then is impossible.

    Yet there are reasons we aren't a part of each other's lives anymore. I know that. I know that we had potential to take things to the next level, and we didn't. I know that we could've been something incredible and perhaps the best thing to happen to either one of us but we didn't. Instead, a combination of life, excuses, hesitation crept in and pushed us just far enough apart for other things to come in. Other priorities. Other people.

    It didn't fall apart all in one day, but sometimes it did. One moment you were the only person who I could think about - the one who kept me awake at night with your words and conversations, the one who took up so much space in me. The next, you were still all I could think about- but this time it was wondering if I should've tried harder to hold on to you. You were still keeping me up at night - all the words I never said haunting me and almost having me spill them on to you far too late for them to matter anymore. You still took up all this space in me - and then left the gaping hole behind the space behind once we stopped talking to each other.

    Life did go on, though. It was a funny way of doing that - choosing to keep moving forward even when part of your world feels like it stopped. So we both moved forward, too. I started a different path and I honestly was happier with it than I expected. Things these days are actually going well, and I don't feel any regret over giving this opportunity a chance."

    You left me not because I lacked anything. You left not because I am unlovable. You left not because I am unworthy. You left because you wanted to. You chose to. People leave because they decide to. I cannot do anything to make you stay. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone stay because they wanted to and not because they had to be asked?

    I can't justify your actions. If there was one thing I learned the hard way the many times you told me you didn't love me, it is that I don't have to abandon myself. People come and go. feelings come and go. This is why I need to love myself more.

    Morning used to feel like an impossible task. When I turned to friends or family for support, their warm efforts were deafened by your voice, possessing my every thought and demanding my complete attention. I thought that to think of anything else would cause me to lose what little I had left of you and so I clung to sadness, making a home of your ghost while I waited idly by without joy, hope, or purpose as days turned into weeks and weeks into months. And then I just let go.

    Sometimes you have to work at happiness. Some hurdles are too difficult to clear by simply adjusting your point of view or adopting a positive mindset.

    I am a strong woman. I am...I know that but sometimes I want to remember what its like to have someone to be my hero...lift my spirits, take care of me. I miss the support and the comfort of having someone to lean on. Someone to remind me that I don't have to do everything alone. I get tired of the emotional labor I have to put in to lift myself - sometimes I just need a helping hand.

    With YOU I planned dates and vacations, I spent time with your friends and family. I bought you food. I helped you find a job when you gave up on yourself. I proved my love time and time again while you sat on your @ss and complained and judged.

    You took it all for granted. And you may regret that soon. You never deserved a girl like me. It may have taken me too long to realize that, but I finally came to my senses. I am finally doing what is best for me and putting my needs first.

    Soon, you will realize you lost everything. You are going to realize that no one else will ever treat you with the kind of love and kindness that I did because honestly you don't deserve it. You never did.

  3. #23
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    You love to give the silent treatment.

    Silence can mean so many different things but at the end of the day, it means that the communication is not going to be the same. Words will be replaced with silence. Passion will be replaced with indifference and things will go downhill because if a person decides to give you the silent treatment, they rarely take it back.

    It't not my job to figure out what's going on or break the silence or try to bring the communication back. It's not my job to keep analyzing what went wrong, what I could have done better or what I should have said.

    AND more importantly it is not MY fault that you choose silence. That indicates that you think that I deserve silence. And that I deserve more silence. Really I deserve an explanation. I deserve words. I deserve people in my life who don't find it so easy to just stop talking to me in an instant.

    Silence is usually the beginning of the end but the good news is silence can also tell so much about the person dolling out the silent treatment. It tell you how important you are to them. It can tell you how they really feel about you. It can tell you how they will react when things get really tough and sometimes it is better to just leave people without trying to understand why they are the way they are.

    The irony is, the best response to people who suddenly walk out of your life is also silence. I have to save my words for the ones who appreciate them.

    You always deemed my worth conditional on circumstance. You made me feel inherently unworthy. It's as if my worth to YOU depended on what I could do for you.

  4. #24
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    “The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self, and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define {his or} her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval.”

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  6. #25
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    It is in the victim seeking validation and approval from the gaslighter that the danger begins to unfold. Gaslighting is essentially psychological warfare, causing a victim to habitually question himself or herself. It is employed as a power play to regain control over the victim’s psyche, sense of stability and sense of self.

    By playing puppeteer to the survivor’s perceptions, the manipulator is able to pull the strings in every context where his or her target feels powerless, confused, disoriented and on edge, perpetually walking on eggshells to keep the peace.

    What Gaslighting Looks Like: An Example

    Imagine this scenario: Diana and Robert* have been dating for several months. Diana thinks she’s met the “one” – Robert is generous, kind, supportive and funny. They become enamored with each other quickly and move in together shortly after their one-year anniversary. As soon as Diana signs the lease on their new apartment, however, it is evident that there is some trouble in paradise. Robert’s usual warmth and affection begins to wane. After several months, Diana notices that he has more become inexplicably cold and withdrawn. He lashes out more often, creates nonsensical arguments (in which he uses Diana as a scapegoat for every issue) and criticizes her on a daily basis. It’s almost as if he’s undergone a personality transplant from the once charming and down to earth man she thought she knew.

    When she finally confronts him one night as he stumbles into the apartment at an obscenely late hour, his response is rageful and defensive. He accuses her of not trusting him. He calls her horrible names. He threatens to leave and never come back. He refuses to speak to her at all.

    In the midst of her despair, she begins to wonder if she’s been too hard on him. She calls him multiple times, begging for him to come back and apologizing profusely for the things she’s accused him of. He does come back, but the cycle only continues. After only a few blissful days of “making up,” where Robert “graciously” forgives Diana for her “overreactions."

    Despite her attempts to uncover the truth, she starts to wonder if she really is being paranoid. Maybe it really is her fault that he is distancing himself. Maybe he just needs time to “unwind.”

    She begins avoiding confrontation with Robert altogether and instead tries her best to please him instead – doubling her efforts to show him more affection and understanding. Her hope is that, once he realizes what a great partner she is, he will stop his shady behavior and go back to being the man he presented himself to be in the beginning. Unfortunately, as most victims ensnared in the vicious cycle of emotional abuse know, this is rarely the case. This is just the beginning.

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