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Thread: To get over it I have to go through it

  1. #11
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    Breathe darling, this is just a chapter in your life....not your whole story.

  2. #12
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    Learn how to walk away if youíre the only one making the effort. If youíre the only one trying and if it leaves you feeling like youíre not good enough every time you stay but your feelings are not reciprocated.

    Learn how to walk away when someone starts mistreating you or starts disrespecting you. When someone starts to show you that they donít value you or your opinions. When they underestimate your intelligence. Walk away when someone canít give you what youíre looking for.

    Learn how to walk away when you have to force something to happen, when you have to force communication, care and love. When you have to force a person to realize what they could lose. Walk away from anyone who doesnít care about losing you.

    Learn how to walk away when you feel like something is off. When you have to convince yourself to stay, when you have to fake it because itís better than being alone, when you have to lie about what you are to your friends and family. Walk away when you see the truth ó donít waste your time trying to fix whatís already broken.

    Learn how to walk away when youíve given more than one chance but nothing seems to change, learn how to walk away when you feel like youíve been taken for granted time and time again. Learn how to walk away when staying makes you love yourself a little less.

    Learn how to walk away because if you donít, they will. Itís only a matter of time before someone who doesnít love you or respect you walks away from you and that shouldnít be something you fear because for every person who leaves, there are tons more wanting to stay, capable of loving you better ó capable of loving you the way you want to be loved.

    Learn how to walk away because walking away saves you from heartbreak, it saves you from prolonging something thatís not meant to last, it saves you from the pain of finding things out that might hurt you, it saves you from getting cheated on, it saves you from being one of many and it saves you from the selfish games people play when they try to keep you in their lives without committing to you.

    Learn how to walk away ó not everyone is worth staying for.

  3. #13
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    I donít want you to wait until you have nothing left so you can remember that you have me. I donít want you to wait until your world comes crashing down on you so you can realize that you need me in it and I donít want you to wait for an emergency so you can finally understand that I will always be your emergency contact.

    I donít know why weíre programmed to realize whatís important when weíre about to lose it or when weíre about to lose ourselves.

    I donít know why we donít value people until we lose our own value.
    Maybe I can be like that too ó but not when it comes to you.

    The difference between me and you is that I always knew I wanted you; no matter what life threw my way. I knew I wanted you when things were good and I know I needed you when things were bad.

    I didnít need a crisis to remind me that youíre the person I want by my side and I didnít need a crisis to understand what you mean to me.

    Itís easy to be vulnerable when youíre down but it takes a lot of courage and a lot of strength to be vulnerable when youíre strong, when youíre capable, when you know you can survive on your own but you choose not to.

    You donít have to wait for a crisis to realize you love a person ó instead ó you find the person who will love you during a crisis, you find the person who will face any crisis with you.

    Because if youíre always waiting for something bad to happen to realize whatís good in your life, you might not find any good left.
    If youíre always thinking that people will come save you after you deliberately abandoned them, you will be strangling yourself.

    Because people whoíve waited long enough for someone who didnít show up leave without coming back.

    Sometimes the real crisis is not realizing how much someone loves you and how important they are to you when they were around.

    Sometimes the real crisis is not letting people know that you want them in your life and that you donít want to let them go.

    You had to wait for a crisis to realize that you love me. You had to wait for a crisis to realize that you had to fight for me.

    Now all I can say is sorry, sorry I canít be there for you this time, sorry you had to wait for a catastrophe to remember me and Iím sorry that Iím no longer a crisis management expert.

  4. #14
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    Tiny Reminders Every Single Woman Needs To Hear

    1. Your relationship with yourself is the single greatest relationship youíll ever have.
    Who else have you fallen asleep with every night and will continue to the rest of your life? Youíre the only person that youíll spend every single moment with. Wouldnít you want to build the best possible relationship with a person youíd have to spend all your time with?

    Whether youíre crying with yourself on the floor at 3 a.m. or reveling in the beauty of a sunset when no one else is with you to witness it, youíll treasure your own company. In moments of hardship, youíll reach into yourself for love, kindness and comfort. As a young, single woman, you have the perfect opportunity now to cultivate a loving relationship with yourself.

    2. Your relationships with the people around you are dependent upon your relationship with yourself.
    Most of the people youíll meet throughout your life will learn how to treat you according to how you treat yourself. The people you allow into your life will mirror the ways you treat yourself. If you donít believe youíre worthy and deserve respect, theyíll take that as permission to treat you the same way. This is especially important when it comes to attracting a partner.

    If you have endless love for yourself, youíll feel ready and entirely willing to give your partner love rather than withholding it until that person makes you feel full first, because you already feel full on your own.

    3. Travel as much as possible.
    There will most likely be few moments in your life when you have the kind of time and financial freedom to travel that you have now. Think about it: youíre the only person you have to pay for on a trip, your schedule is the only one that needs to be adjusted, and you have full reign to fill your days with activities only you want to do and places only you want to see. So please, buy that plane ticket already.

    4. Build, strengthen, and appreciate female friendships.

    When youíre eventually in a relationship, you wonít have as much time to spend with your girlfriends as you do now as a single woman. If you take advantage of the time you have now to cultivate meaningful relationships with the women around you, those friendships will endure throughout your life. When communication dwindles and girlsí nights and wine parties become less frequent, the women you built strong friendships with will remain much of the backbone of your life because you spent time building those friendships.

    5. Replace the time you spend looking for a lover with time reflecting on whatís important to you in a relationship.
    The space between your last relationship and your next offers an incredible opportunity to reflect on past relationships: what you learned from them and what you would do differently if given the opportunity. If you feel you acted irrationally in a particular relationship, spend time reflecting on why. On the flip side, what behaviors did you put up with in a relationship that you refuse to allow in future relationships? These are not moments to be hard on yourself about what you should have done in the past but rather an opportunity to thoughtfully reflect on how past lessons can serve as a friend to the future.

    6. If you feel lonely, sit with it.
    Everyone experiences that feeling of ďOh god, what if I never find someone? What if Iím alone the rest of my life?Ē We are humans wired for connection with other humans. Loneliness is an incredibly common fear to have. But for many, the fear of being alone is simultaneously a fear of being alone with oneself. Dig deeper into what youíre feeling by sitting with it, facing it head on and then working through it from the root up. Once you get to the point where being alone the rest of your life is no longer your greatest fear, youíll feel a genuine sense of freedom.

  5.  

  6. #15
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    I wonder if my name is a wound that wonít heal. I wonder if every time it gets brought up, you try to sew it back together with the remaining threads of whatever mess this was. When it gets thrown around the room like a game of hot potato, do you still catch it in your hands even though you know it will burn? And do you still think itís okay to use my heart as ice whenever you please, without caring about the puddles of false hope you leave behind every time you choose to return?

    I wonder if my name is a string of letters that sound like nothing but gibberish to you. I wonder if it always meant nothing or if your brain has said it so many times, itís completely lost its meaning. Is that what happened when you forgot that ďloveĒ was so much more than just another noun. And did it feel like home for you too, before our storm tore it down?

  7. #16
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    how you dump people - including me

    Cancer
    (June 22nd to July 22nd)

    You are terrible at dumping people because it hurts you to hurt someone else. Youíre extremely sensitive to other peopleís feelings, and you never know how to end the relationship so that nobody gets hurt. When you finally collect enough courage to let them go, youíre not reaching out the next week to get back together, youíre sincerely reaching out to make sure theyíre okay.

  8. #17
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    Embrace Your Sadness And Give Your Healing Room To Work

    There are an infinite number of ways to lose someone you love. It could be to disloyalty, abusive behaviour, or tragedy, or even the cold, cruel march of time, but no matter the cause, the after-effect is always the same, you feel like you are at the point of breaking and the only one who can hold you together is gone.

    Finding the will to climb out of bed each morning begins to feel like an impossible task and when you turn to friends or family for support, you find their warm efforts are deafened by the voice of the one you have lost, possessing your every thought and demanding your complete attention. You believe to think of anything else would be to lose what little of them you still have, and so you cling to the sadness, you make a home of their ghost, and you wait idly by without joy, hope or purpose as days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months.

    Welcome, this is rock bottom, but what you may have forgotten is that rock bottom is the foundation on which you can be remade. The truth is, all pain can be reshaped and repurposed. With the right care, all wounds will heal back more resilient than before. When the heart is shattered, you can create something beautiful from the fragments. Where there is some lesson there is never a loss.

    Listen carefully to your healing, give it room to do its work. Allow yourself the space to feel grief when it calls on you to, but also permission to feel joy in those rare moments warmth returns to your heart. When you make the choice not to fight the currents of your feelings you allow them to take you where they need to and moving forward becomes a gentler process. Embrace your sadness. Meet it head on. It is a source of strength that can be drawn from and directed wherever you choose. Use it to create art, to pursue your dreams, or make a life change youíve been neglecting. Loss will reshape you either way, but you decide what shape it leaves you in.

    Remember always to move at your own pace. When you attempt to hurry yourself through a loss you donít escape the grief, you bury it, and one day it will find a way back to the surface. Only you can know the distance of your healing and only you can know when you have arrived.

    So be patient, be tender, and take your strength where you can. Listen to your sad songs when you need them and face the world when you feel brave. Your pain doesnít have to be your prison, remember that. It can be a key to a doorway and you decide where it leads.

  9. #18
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    Broke no contact! I have mixed feelings about it. He sent a text to wish me well on the new job and I thanked him and then invited him to a dinner. He didn't give a direct answer and I left things at let me know.

    Now I am mad at myself. I could have been celebrating almost a week of NC but am back to starting NC all over again. Lord, why am i not strong enough? So frustrating.

    I should know I am setting myself up for rejection. I should KNOW this. I am trying not to beat myself up and to be quick to forgive and move forward. I have so many other things to worry about - the new job, friends, learning how to keep healthy boundaries. Ugh this is so frustrating!!!

  10. #19
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    Tomorrow is day one of NC AGAIN!!! Today he texted to let me now his dog (whom I love) was not feeling well. Not sure what to do with that information. He didn't give a reply as to the dinner and tomorrow will be Friday. I will NOT be contacting him so it really doesn't matter at this point.

    I have free will. I am no one's prisoner. I don't have to pine away or HOPE that he comes to his senses. Even if he did I'd always wonder when he would be in one of his dramatic down turns again and decide we're not good for each other."

    With the holidays coming up I am sure I will be lonely but I will remind myself that I have a lot of good people in my life to connect with on those special days. I don't need to be isolated WITH him or hanging out with him because HE is lonely. I can make plans to visit family and make some new memories to replace that last three years of bad Holidays.

    For my birthday in just a few weeks I can plan a nice get together with friends and stay busy celebrating that way instead of wondering if he'll even bother to send a damn text to acknowledge my existence. I get to just DO ME...

    I can talk to whoever I want and do whatever I want. I don't have to worry about "proving" myself to him. I spent a year trying to show him I am a safe and loving partner and it's been two years since we had any real issues so I don't know how much more I have to offer him. Everything fell short and that is more about him than it is about me. In fact I should have known as much because he jumped so quick into a relationship and wanted such a big comittment at the outset that it should have been a red flag.

    We should have dated a lot longer before doing the love thing and the co-habitating. It was just wrong....just as quickly as he put me on a pedestal he knocked me off and I've been trying so hard to just climb back up....who wants that? It was a whirlwind and happened so fast and felt so traumatic. I just want peace now...he isn't capable of that. He has demons he's been hiding form for so long that really those are what are preventing any future with me. He doesn't care to improve on himself and I don't want to stay stuck.

    I don't even want to see him so even if he did decide, last minute at this point, that he wanted to join me for dinner this Saturday I don't want to really see him. It's better this way.

    Day 1 NC - Startin up again! In all honesty I think I will stumble a bit on this one. It will get easier with time but with my birthday and the Holidays I anticipate a few texts from him and I am not ready yet to block him. Maybe in a week I will feel differently. I have hope for that.

    HE decided he didn't want to be involved with me and HE decided that he was going to sleep with me after I got emotional and all but begged to work things out and then kicked me out at 3 am. He only contacts me when he will benefit somehow. What am I getting out of any of this? Does he think he is doing me some favor by texting about his sick dog?

    As Janet J asked...What have you done for ME lately?

  11. #20
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    It's been weeks since I've journaled and in that time I broke no contact and saw him. In fact I saw him that last two weekends. He acted as though everything was normal. As though he never said that he "isn't in it for the long haul." He has confused me to the point of leaving me in a state of anxiety. He said he listed me as his plus one for his firm xmas party. That infers that he expects to have me in his life in the future.

    My birthday is next Friday and I haven't made any plans with friends or otherwise. I guess I am not looking forward to it and I certainly don't like the idea that after such definitive words we are just going through life as though nothing happened and we're together somehow but also not. It is unsettling and the more time that goes by the more my heart feels heavy.

    I am just waiting for the moment where he ghosts me or gives me the silent treatment and then re-affirms that he is not "all in" with me. I realize I want to be happy. I want to have a loving relationship with all the playfulness that comes with the beginning of a new relationship. I can't have that with HIM because it's been almost three years and we never fully let go. We spent time off and then rushed back into things without healing or allowing space and time to give us a new perspective. Because of that - because of me - we are in a holding pattern where we are operating on borrowed time.

    We haven't talked since Sunday. It's now Tuesday and there is no desire on my end to reach out and obviously he feels the same. I think that we just feel so enmeshed that we are just used to other one being around to some degree. There isn't a genuine appreciation. It's more me wanting him to give in and to get in and he is just not saying no at this time.

    I don't want that...I don't want someone who is just not saying no...yet. I don't want to be with someone who I have to ask or convince not to leave me. Maybe he just feels bad that he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me. So with all the Holidays and special occasions coming with this particular time of year he is just going with it.

    It's not a good feeling to think back to this time last year. We were just getting back from a vacation that was great. One where he said he couldn't live without my love only to end things shortly after. It left us living together during xmas and the new year. We limped through both and it hurt ME so much. He seemed ok. He seemed like he felt bad about breaking things off AGAIN but that doesn't mean that he changed his mind or that he realized he had made a mistake and actually did want to be with me. It just meant he felt empathy for the pain I was in.

    I basically lived in the spare room and came home from work to watch Ally McBeal and Friends. I just sort of sought refuge in that room and laid in bed watching netflix. I just got through each day. I hurt and was stuck hurting each day that passed until I found an apartment close to my office and moved out a week or two after the new year.

    I spent the first few weeks in my new apartment in a state of depression and anxiety. I am crying as I write this because the trauma still feels so real. I think in the pit of my stomach I knew he didn't want to be with me and I still tried so hard. I started to go to therapy and trying hard to make something good come out of all the pain I had been feeling. As days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months we finally saw each other again in March. A mere three months after he broke up with me and I moved out we saw each other...it was a rainy day and he invited me over. i fought with myself over accepting his invitation to visit but ultimately ended up going over.

    We continued seeing each other from then on up until October. It was then that he started doing strange things like ignoring me for days on end. He'd say he needed space and that he was just depressed and had contempt for me because i wanted to be with him while he felt so terrible. Then he said it was that he wanted me to leave him alone even though I had helped him find a job (he was unemployed for six months). He wanted to just focus on the new job without the pressure of me.

    Then after all that he went silent on me again and when I confronted him he said he didn't trust me and was not in it for the long haul. He said this is the feeling he always got when it came to me. I told him that it was more about him than me. It wasn't that I was untrustworthy it was that he had trust issues and he was running. We talked a lot...and really never concluded that we were on or off. We just simple didn't talk until he wanted me to watch his dog.

    Since then I've seen him twice and he is now talking about future plans. Plans I didn't make. Plans that he included me in without talking to me first. He never addressed his statement that he wasn't in this thing with me for the long haul but he did say that his trust issues were his and that I could call him if I had a health issue and needed help. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I didn't call him because he was usually high or drunk (or both) at the time that I ended up in the ER. I just got used to taking care of myself and don't think to call him because of the aforementioned AND it is just easier for me to drive myself and handle things on my own. PLUS he often doesn't reply or straight up ignores me so I just don't rely on any responses from him anymore.

    He said "him not believing that I was in the ER is so f'ed up." I reminded him that again that was HIM not me and I still had to just take care of myself. I don't benefit from telling him I went to the ER and that I was simply telling him not so that I could garner sympathy or to manipulate him into anything because i got NOTHING form him out of that. I truly just took care of myself and went on with life. To have him decide that he didn't want to be with me because of THAT was just stupid. If anything is f'ed up it is him. If that makes him feel bad I don't know what to say about that.

    So, NOW I am so confused and sort of angry at myself. Why did I break no contact? Why did I invite him to hang out on Halloween? We had a nice time but there is always something to left to be desired. There's no trust, there's no affection, and he lacks the ability to connect with me. I end up feeling lonely and stuck.

    That feeling is compounded now that my birthday and some of the biggest holidays of the year are just around the corner. I also looked up a few exes and saw they were married and happy. No just married but married to beautiful women that look like they belong in a Victoria's secret catalog. I am now a little over a week from 6 years of age and I am no closer to the things I want in life than I was a year ago. i wanted to be in love...to have a future with someone...to feel a sense of family...a sense of hope for the future.

    It hurts. Being this confused hurts. Being around HIM hurts. The last two days without contact has allowed me to see that. I am more than OK with going to work and learning new things and trying to carve out my place. I am not making new connections or really hanging out with friends. I am spending a lot of time at work and alone at home and for now that is ok.

    I need to make my life richer so that I feel satisfied with life and myself. I am feeling pretty good about myself and just need to build out some hobbies or goals to really give myself a life of richness. It's not like I don't have romantic prospects but I don't feel as though trying to make a romantic life happen right now is the best thing for me. It would just be confusing and would feel like it would fall flat.

    I think I have to keep doing what I am doing. I need to go to work and do my best. I need to find things that make me happy outside of work and engage in those things more often. After a little while that will lead to a better sense of self and maybe at that point I will feel healed enough to meet someone new. I am otherwise just going to end up hurting others or myself.

    I want so badly to feel that "in love" feeling. I didn't realize that holding on HIM for this long left me feeling hopeless. There's no way that feeling is coming back. It was once there three years ago and lasted only a short while. It's not happening...it probably won't happen. That hurts. I was even willing to accept the lack of the new love feeling if we could get back to a place where we WANTED each other but that isn't happening. He isn't telling me he wants me. He isn't making any effort to show me that he wants to be with me - he is just not saying no to seeing me. He just isn't saying no to sleeping with me. That's not a relationship. It's a quasi friendship with sex.

    It's a routine. It's nothing. It's me staying stuck and HIM just accepting that I am around. It's nothing...nothing...nothing.

    I fear that my attachment to HIM will always hurt. I fear that every time I think back on HIM and the time we spent together I will feel that deep pain and loss. I am so scared of always thinking back to HIM and remembering the supreme pain I felt when I moved out THREE times. I also fear trying to forget all of that and ending up with a big hole in my memory of the last three years of my life. Like I was on pause and when the play button was hit three years went by.

    I used to only remember the good times but not right now. I can't think of very many. I can think of birthdays that sucked because he was getting high after he did his duty of taking me to dinner. The birthday before we actually started dating he got me an amazing pair of shoes that made me blush because they were so expensive. He drove me to see Vicky and Phil for brunch. So many funny things happened that day and it was the day he first kissed me. We were on the rooftop bar and it just felt perfect.

    Every year after that was terrible. In 2014 I was battling a disease and had just had a surgery so I wasn't up for doing much of anything. He invited his friends over and I ate and then went to bed. The following year I was with Vicky and he didn't even send a text. In 2016 (last year) we just went out for drinks and came home. He smoked out and I went to bed.

    For xmas...well the first year we had some fights and breakups but somehow pulled it together for the day. i made prime rib an we had friends over. In 2014 I had just started a new job and was recovering from surgery. I know we had some fun with Olive opening her presents and running around so happy with her new dog toys. In 2015 I was with Vicky and was upset over my dad's situation and we did not spend the day together. 2016 consisted of me laying in bed in the guest room because he dumped me.

    He blew me off after agreeing to go to my company party. I remember I got my hair done and did my makeup and then he just blew me off. He said he wasn't going because he knew himself and he knew he'd be upset and would probably cause an issue. We fought and I ended up just going into the guest room to feel like poop alone. I didn't want to see anyone let alone celebrate a Holiday that would be terrible for me.

    NYE was the same only I didn't even get out of bed. I just stayed in that damn room watching old tv shows wondering if the pain I felt would every go away. NYE has always been bad with HIM as was Valentine's Day.

    I can't seem to remember any good memories around this time of year.

    We had a good time on our vacation. We had a good time when we went to Venice beach and rented bikes. We had a good time when we took the dogs to dog beach. We had a good time when we saw SilverSun Pickups. We had a fun time seeing Fleetwood Mac. We had fun seeing the Book of Mormon and eating at some taco place.

    Sheesh, there's not a lot of good memories that I can summon right now. I mean I know they existed...but perhaps it was just a time in my life that things were just not good....and because of that I had a relationship that was just not good sprinkled with some good things he did. I remember he was there for doctor's appointments and would take me to places I loved eating to help me feel better. He took care of me financially while I was having multiple surgeries and was so supportive and kind.

    He used to send texts to say good morning. He'd call me gorgeous or beautiful. He'd write me emails in the middle of the night with clever poems and always find a way to let me know he was attracted to me and wanted me. None of that lasted long but it meant so much to me that I held on tight and thought I could fight to keep us. He just stopped or maybe never started fighting.

    Even the really goos stuff had some bad stuff mixed in. When he told me he loved me he had to add that he told me he loved me more times in one week than he ever told his ex.

    For xmas he told me that his ex gave him an ipad that was engraved.

    He texted a girl he knew was interested in him while we were intimate.

    He just can't or wont give me what I want in a relationship. He did for a few months but he gave up after that. His words were strong and I believed them but now his words are firm that he doesn't WANT me. What else can I do?

    I have to face the facts. I feel better away from him these days. I don't see hope like I did. I previously wanted a do over to get it right...to start over and revive the excitement of new love...or a new chance for love with an old flame but THAT is not going to happen.

    He cares as do I but we ARE NOT IN LOVE. At this point I don't know if I can get back to a place where it's even possible. What do I do now? What can I do now? It hurts...this realization hurts.

    Day 2 - NC

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