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thornz

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I would love to settle down and get married but I'm at a point where I feel I'm carrying a lot of baggage from previous relationships. I'm quite jaded if I'm being honest, I feel like any relationship will just end badly. I don't think it's fair on myself or anyone else to get involved until I feel more optimistic.

 

At the same time I feel if I stay single for years on end I will get selfish and used to having my own way and not be a very good partner in future. I want to have fun and enjoy the company of a partner on a more casual basis but I'm not sure I can pull that off without getting attached and potentially even more disillusioned.

 

Where to go from here? I'm horny, lonely and concerned I will end up indifferent to or hating relationships.

 

I met a girl who I am totally captivated by, she has made it clear she is moving back to her home country in a few months and is looking to date for sex. I could go for that but likely by the time I've got to know her well enough to sleep with her, she will be leaving. Seems a bit of a waste.

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Well....it won't happen by itself...the becoming not jaded part that is. So what are you actually doing to deal with and let go of your baggage?

 

Just curious.....you have someone you like offering casual sex right now.....soooo what's with the get to know her part? I mean casual sex is more about the sex and less about bothering with getting to know each other in more meaningful ways. It's...just....sex....and you've got the perfect rebound set up here.....

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Why do you need to "get to know" someone that would be considered a "short term" casual relationship with a shelf life. It's best to not get to know one another too well so that you don't get attached. Keep it to hook ups and that's it. All you have to have at this point is a mutual, physical attraction with the mind set that it's not going anywhere except in one or the other's bedroom for a few months. Once they leaves... cut off all contact. Done and done.

 

If you can't picture yourself being able to do that, then don't bother with that person anymore... you're wasting your good mojo on them.

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Just curious.....you have someone you like offering casual sex right now.....soooo what's with the get to know her part? I mean casual sex is more about the sex and less about bothering with getting to know each other in more meaningful ways. It's...just....sex....and you've got the perfect rebound set up here.....

That's the spirit !! Attagirl!

 

OP you have to decide first what you want. If you want ONS, just look for ONS. If you want a relationship, just look for a relationship. Don't mix things.

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I met a girl who I am totally captivated by, she has made it clear she is moving back to her home country in a few months and is looking to date for sex. I could go for that but likely by the time I've got to know her well enough to sleep with her, she will be leaving. Seems a bit of a waste.

 

Mate she isn't asking for a 17 hour interview , she has her pants round her ankles and is ready to go ...

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Well....it won't happen by itself...the becoming not jaded part that is. So what are you actually doing to deal with and let go of your baggage?

 

Just curious.....you have someone you like offering casual sex right now.....soooo what's with the get to know her part? I mean casual sex is more about the sex and less about bothering with getting to know each other in more meaningful ways. It's...just....sex....and you've got the perfect rebound set up here.....

 

The baggage, staying single for now, doing as much self improvement as I can stomach, CBT etc, self help courses, was doing counselling but can't afford that right now, doing some hardcore social butterfly stuff with my social life, got myself a job that I love. What would you suggest I do? I'm not doing anything specific to overcome my baggage just trying to become balanced and happy in general.

 

I'm curious as to why you think I need a rebound? I've been single for 5 months. Bit past that stage, no?

 

I can't do one night stands. Her words were "I'm looking to date for sex, I can't do anything serious because I'm moving away in a few months". In my experience, sex with a stranger is poop. I'd prefer a FWB type arrangement if I were to go for anything. I still need to know her for that.

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Just to clarify, I am 100% not interested in a one night stand. Nor was I looking for anything in particular.

 

I met the girl (who stays in the same hotel as me) and was not only was I very attracted to her physically, I was really into her attitude and personality. It was totally unexpected. I've always been more physically attracted to women but lose interest very quickly when I start talking to them.

 

So she tells me she wants to experiment and have fun, nothing serious because she's not here permanently, I tell her I want to take her on a date, she agrees.

 

I feel like this is rare opportunity I don't want to pass up on having fun with this girl who fascinates me, but I would feel dirty if I had sex without getting to know her a bit first.

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The baggage, staying single for now, doing as much self improvement as I can stomach, CBT etc, self help courses, was doing counselling but can't afford that right now, doing some hardcore social butterfly stuff with my social life, got myself a job that I love. What would you suggest I do? I'm not doing anything specific to overcome my baggage just trying to become balanced and happy in general.

 

I'm curious as to why you think I need a rebound? I've been single for 5 months. Bit past that stage, no?

 

I can't do one night stands. Her words were "I'm looking to date for sex, I can't do anything serious because I'm moving away in a few months". In my experience, sex with a stranger is poop. I'd prefer a FWB type arrangement if I were to go for anything. I still need to know her for that.

 

Fair enough. Sounds like you are trying a lot of different things. Are they working though? I guess too early to tell, just keep an eye on that question - are you actually feeling like baggage is melting away. In short, while doing all that stuff, keep your eye on your actual goal.

 

As for rebound, there is no time limit on that. It just sounds like you need to (pardon the female reference here, I'm a girl after all) let your hair down and just let yourself have some fun, that "I still got it" thing. A shot of pick me up. More giggles than serious looove making and the pleasure of actually going home and sleeping in peace in your own bed....lol.....

 

Well, maybe that's not your thing and if you are going to get attached and you need that connection first, then probably best that you don't get involved with anyone for a good while. Just say hellloooo to your five (or maybe ten) best friends....who won't tell anyone what you've been up to.....j/k. To be honest you really do sound jaded and a bit bitter to the point where I want to reach through the internet and tickle you until you drop the uptight jaded attitude and start to laugh your azz off. Do they have laughter therapy?

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I feel like this is rare opportunity I don't want to pass up on having fun with this girl who fascinates me, but I would feel dirty if I had sex without getting to know her a bit first.

Gosh, I hope you don't end up shredding your own heart. To each their own but if feeling dirty about any of it crossed my mind, I wouldn't be engaging any of it.

 

Good luck, keep it real (its just lust) or you will shred that heart of yours.

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Thornz. . Are you Bi?

I had to go back and reread your posts.

You mention dating both sexes

9/27 So after deciding to pull my finger out of my arse and learn how to flirt I have been receiving attention and even had a few guys attempt to kiss me. My work colleague has commented that he thinks I lead men on, especially in one particular instance and that my rejection methods come accross like I'm playing hard to get, rather than eff off I'm not interested.

 

not that it matters. .But it's a little confusing.

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Gosh, I hope you don't end up shredding your own heart. To each their own but if feeling dirty about any of it crossed my mind, I wouldn't be engaging any of it.

 

Good luck, keep it real (its just lust) or you will shred that heart of yours.

 

You're probably right, I'll leave her alone.

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Thornz. . Are you Bi?

I had to go back and reread your posts.

You mention dating both sexes

9/27 So after deciding to pull my finger out of my arse and learn how to flirt I have been receiving attention and even had a few guys attempt to kiss me. My work colleague has commented that he thinks I lead men on, especially in one particular instance and that my rejection methods come accross like I'm playing hard to get, rather than eff off I'm not interested.

 

not that it matters. .But it's a little confusing.

 

Yes I'm Bi, that's why I stated I'm rarely attracted to women personality wise as well as physically, so even though I am more physically attracted to women, I date men because personality is more important to me when dating.

 

I have dated a female since college.

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Fair enough. Sounds like you are trying a lot of different things. Are they working though? I guess too early to tell, just keep an eye on that question - are you actually feeling like baggage is melting away. In short, while doing all that stuff, keep your eye on your actual goal.

 

As for rebound, there is no time limit on that. It just sounds like you need to (pardon the female reference here, I'm a girl after all) let your hair down and just let yourself have some fun, that "I still got it" thing. A shot of pick me up. More giggles than serious looove making and the pleasure of actually going home and sleeping in peace in your own bed....lol.....

 

Well, maybe that's not your thing and if you are going to get attached and you need that connection first, then probably best that you don't get involved with anyone for a good while. Just say hellloooo to your five (or maybe ten) best friends....who won't tell anyone what you've been up to.....j/k. To be honest you really do sound jaded and a bit bitter to the point where I want to reach through the internet and tickle you until you drop the uptight jaded attitude and start to laugh your azz off. Do they have laughter therapy?

 

Do I sound that bad really? This isn't good. Pretty much every romantic (and most of the platonic) relationships I've had have been a negative experience, even though I didn't necessarily realise at the time.

 

I'm envious of people who are excited to go on a date or in the "twiterpated" stage of a new relationship. I can't imagine feeling that way. I actually feel more jaded now than when I first got dumped. It's been a series of bad relationships with no positive ones. I actually feel quite hopeless and cry about it a lot.

 

I feel like I'm doing all the right things to improve my self esteem and enjoy my life. I have totally turned things around for myself in 5 months, I love myself, I'm proud of myself, I've developed friendships new and old, I feel successful and content in my work. I actually feel the best I remember in a very long time and I have achieved that turnaround in months, when I was previously extremely unhappy BUT I still feel negative about romantic relationships. I'm not convinced I've dealt with any of my baggage from past relationships, if anything I've just given up all together and accepted that I'm going to be alone for the forseeable future.

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Do I sound that bad really? This isn't good. Pretty much every romantic (and most of the platonic) relationships I've had have been a negative experience, even though I didn't necessarily realise at the time.

 

I'm envious of people who are excited to go on a date or in the "twiterpated" stage of a new relationship. I can't imagine feeling that way. I actually feel more jaded now than when I first got dumped. It's been a series of bad relationships with no positive ones. I actually feel quite hopeless and cry about it a lot.

 

I feel like I'm doing all the right things to improve my self esteem and enjoy my life. I have totally turned things around for myself in 5 months, I love myself, I'm proud of myself, I've developed friendships new and old, I feel successful and content in my work. I actually feel the best I remember in a very long time and I have achieved that turnaround in months, when I was previously extremely unhappy BUT I still feel negative about romantic relationships. I'm not convinced I've dealt with any of my baggage from past relationships, if anything I've just given up all together and accepted that I'm going to be alone for the forseeable future.

 

All the self improvement is fantastic and it will make you happier and feeling more fulfilled and that's great. The baggage about relationships though might require slightly different kind of work to make that go away - maybe instead of focusing on the fact that they were bad, you need to look at why/how you got pulled into them. What attracted you, what was going on or missing in your life that you stayed after the red flags started coming up. Did you see the red flags? Why didn't you head them? Don't go for the simple answer - I was in love. Dig deeper. Try to identify what it is within you that's making the choices you make. We all do this to various degrees. To get to a good relationship, you sometimes have to learn from the bad.

 

Other than that, give yourself time. Live your new fabulous life and don't worry so much about relationships or being single for life or whatever. When you are emotionally ready for someone new, it won't be this difficult. We attract who we attract because of what's going deep inside of us.

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Thanks, I had done a lot of that stuff before I got with my ex (and he was a marked improvement on previous partners) however I should not have been getting involved in a relationship, I just wanted to date to try and recognise red flags. Instead I got pushed into a very serious relationship I wasn't ready for.

 

Wow! I knew this and told friends at the time but writing it here gives it new meaning. I actually feel refreshed and like I can take ownership of my role in the demise of the relationship. That gives me power and hope!

 

I think I will dedicate some time to dissecting each relationship I've had and figure out some things. I can't stay stuck in this rut. I've always prided myself on not being a man/relationship hater no matter how badly I have been treated, but I feel like I'm treading a thin line now. It's not a good place to be.

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