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Jjbarea

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Theres this girl that Ive been best friends with for about 6-7 years. I always had the biggest crush on her and I expressed it to her mutiple times but it she was always dating someone else or was just not into me the way I was with her. We know eachother inside and out and have always been there for eachother. She had a rough life and had a reputation as being a basically by everyone for making some bad choices in her paast. We started dating almost a year and a half ago and we were going strong at first till I started to mess up. I was being a horrible boyfriend to her. I almost never took her out, I would just go over to her place to chill even though she told me numerous time that she wanted to go out. She caught me talking to my ex and on occasion other girls as well. I wanted to keep our relationship "lowkey" because although everyone knew we were close friends, I was afraid of everyone finding out that we were dating. I never told her this even though she felt that I was embarrassed of her. We had a rough breakup and we didnt talk for months. After a couple months of self reflecting and reflecting about our relationship I decided that I wanted to get her back. I wanted to show her that this time I was ready for her and that things would be different. I knew it wasnt going to be easy but I was still and still am willing to do anything to get her back. Losing your bestfriend and your girlfriend at the same time is not easy. Well anyway we started seeing eachother at a mutual friends house and we would small talk and whatnot.We even went out to a bar one night and she got drunk and started making out with me and whatnot.Well anyway she told me she is talking to an older guy. Specifically a guy she had a very brief relationship with before me and her got together. She always tells me how perfect he is and that he treats her way better than I ever did. Well over the past 2 months we've been hanging out as well as texting eachother here and there and helping her with groceries and small things like that. She recently told me that she wanted to distance herself from me again and that she wont ever get back with me and that we wont ever be friends the way we used to be. I really messed up and I know that but is it too late ? I know how immature and stupid I was and I regret it. I want to show her that I am ready and that I am not the same person I was when I was with her.

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From someone who has been through similar things with a guy--someone who I ended up not being able to trust and took me for granted--I don't think it's very salvageable. Even if you prove yourself she's going to doubt it's permanent. I think it's time for you to cut your losses, take some space, and move on.

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I still feel like there's something there tho. Otherwise she wouldn't want anything to do with me. Any advice you can give me to help me prove I'm not the same person ?

 

Eh, not necessarily.

 

She might have enjoyed the attention from you when she was perhaps not sure where things were headed with Older Dude. But her telling you she needs to distance herself from you now very strongly suggests it is going somewhere and she doesn't want to mess that up by continuing to hang out with you.

 

You can only really show her you have changed if she wants to see it. And as of now, she isn't interested. It sounds as though she knows how you feel but doesn't really want to give it another shot.

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Eh, not necessarily.

 

She might have enjoyed the attention from you when she was perhaps not sure where things were headed with Older Dude. But her telling you she needs to distance herself from you now very strongly suggests it is going somewhere and she doesn't want to mess that up by continuing to hang out with you.

 

You can only really show her you have changed if she wants to see it. And as of now, she isn't interested. It sounds as though she knows how you feel but doesn't really want to give it another shot.

 

^Unfortunately, very much this. She has made it very clear to you that she is moving on, that she won't take you back and that she doesn't even wish to be friends with you like you were before. Nothing to misread here when someone is being so explicit with you.

 

I will also say this. When a guy takes you for granted, you try everything to fix things and make the relationship better, BUT he only wakes up after you've dumped him, the sudden promises that he suddenly changed almost feel insulting and like a slap in the face. Insult to injury and very pretty much impossible to buy that he suddenly saw the light and is suddenly a changed man. The thing with women is that we tend to be very slow to end things and will work hard at making it work, so by the time we do end things, we are truly burned out with his bs and done for good, no going back. Very few exceptions to this.

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^Unfortunately, very much this. She has made it very clear to you that she is moving on, that she won't take you back and that she doesn't even wish to be friends with you like you were before. Nothing to misread here when someone is being so explicit with you.

 

I will also say this. When a guy takes you for granted, you try everything to fix things and make the relationship better, BUT he only wakes up after you've dumped him, the sudden promises that he suddenly changed almost feel insulting and like a slap in the face. Insult to injury and very pretty much impossible to buy that he suddenly saw the light and is suddenly a changed man. The thing with women is that we tend to be very slow to end things and will work hard at making it work, so by the time we do end things, we are truly burned out with his bs and done for good, no going back. Very few exceptions to this.

 

 

 

Any chance that he's just a rebound ?

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Any chance that he's just a rebound ?

 

Don't kid yourself. Even if he is that, she isn't go back to you, she will simply move forward to someone else. Honestly, since she was unhappy with you for a long time, I'd say odds are against that he is a rebound. She's had time to mourn what has been and what might have been with you, while she was still trying to make things work with you.

 

Your best course of action at this point is to take a painful lesson away to never take the woman you are with for granted and to be sure that you hear her when she is telling you there is a problem long before she dumps you. Move on and start over on a clean slate with someone else. Getting back together rarely works because you can't erase the past and whatever hurts and resentments are festering from that.

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My dear sir... do yourself a favor. When you mess up on a relationship - principally if there are no kids involved, you are young and have all the time in the world - move on. Take what you learned from this relationship and apply it on your next one.

 

Fixing a broken relationship IMO is much harder than starting right in a new one, and keeping it in good condition. The things you neglected here, don't do it with the next girl, etc etc - There won't be the memories of when you failed her, the lack of trust, the resentment, etc etc. And you will also feel more confident and fulfilled.

 

This is better for both of you, and if you truly learned- it will be good for your new girl too. My current GF is much happier than my ex, because I have fixed some dumb stuff I used to do/not do, but there is NO WAY that I could have a happy relationship with my ex... too much baggage, resentment, hurt.. no point.

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It's too late for now yeah. But the big history you guys have is one thing that will probably have her snooping around again IF she becomes single again. Use that to your advantage and be a much better person

 

If she comes back, you'll have made noticeable differences but sadly you have to get over her by then too. If you aren't and you see them it's too hard to do anything but fumble when your heart pounds at them.

 

So work on yourself, one day you'll probably see each other again and if not you'll be in a much better place and have someone new.

 

I've been in your position before and she'll have the doubt for a while, granted mine was different as she cheated which led to me neglecting but the end result was the same.

 

Look after yourself first x

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Any chance that he's just a rebound ?

 

Even if it is, that does not necessarily mean she will want to get back together with you. She already told you he treats her the way you never did; so, if it falls apart, she is more likely to continue searching for that type of guy rather than go back to the guy who didn't do it right when he had his chance.

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