Broken Trust - HELP

Hi, I am obviously in a bad place as I am asking strangers for help and support. I have had an on again off again relationship with a man since 2013. We had a lot of odds stacked against us such as our own issues (his being jealousy and distrust and mine being fear of abandonment and the habitual need to lie dating back to childhood trauma). Needless to say we were both in a terrible place to have a relationship and yet still tried based on the hope we both had. I lied to him and then covered up the lies and even denied some until I finally came clean. He accused me of cheating and was always distrustful of my fidelity even before I had ever told a lie and in fact I think it was a vicious cycle or a cat and mouse type game. The real elements in our relationship remain. There is a lot of good there and that is why we keep coming back to one another. Just yesterday we saw each other (I went over to his place) and he said that he doesn't feel that he can trust me and also feels that the even though it has been years since I've lied (which we never fully addressed properly) that when he feels doubt about something I have said he feels it's terrible. When I pointed out that I did the work in therapy and changed for the better and have been 100% honest with him he agreed and I tried to explain that I have nothing by patience and empathy for him.

He softened and held me, we talked and made plans as if everything was normal. He doesn't confide in anyone and doesn't go to therapy so I know how confused he must be feeling. I just feel that if we put in the work to repair the damage we can come out stronger and better. Am I asking for too much?

I know there is a connection and attachment for both of us and that when he feels himself getting close to me he feels vulnerable and scared. I would rather die than to hurt him and I know he doesn't want to hurt me either...

Is there any advice anyone can give? I cannot imagine life without this person and I don't want to lose him. HELP!

Trouble is that you bonded over both being highly emotionally damaged. That's a lot like building a house on a swamp and then being surprised it's sinking. A relationship that's built on two damaged halves will never turn into one healthy whole. It just doesn't work that way.

Now, you have sought out therapy and have fixed yourself, which is great for you. The problem is that he isn't willing to do the same for himself and he is continuing to throw his damaged issues into your face and hold his problems against you. You can't fix him, you can't make him trust you, you can't undo his damage, you can't love him into becoming an emotionally healthy man. Just like you went through what I would think was extensive therapy and put all the work and effort into yourself to fix yourself, he must do the same IF he ever hopes to have a healthy relationship in his life. Until and unless he decides that living with his issues is too costly for him, he won't change.

You say that you don't want to hurt him, but I think that by sticking around, you are simply teaching him that he doesn't need to fix himself. In effect, you are enabling his misery and making yourself his miserable punching bag in the process. If I were you, I'd sit him down and tell him straightforward that I can no longer be his punching bag, that I deserve better from a partner and while I love him, I don't have a choice but to move on. However, if he ever decides to get help for his jealousy and works things out within himself, I'd love to hear back from him and perhaps we can see if there is a future for us then. Unfortunately, as things stand - there is none.

What was it you lied about, OP?

Well several things...I don't want to make excuses or belittle how hurtful deceit can be. I am going to make myself vulnerable here and just put it all out there:

I lied about going to a doctor's appointment. I said I went to get a procedure done but didn't because I was too depressed and had a panic attack. He was upset about the lie and how I tried to cover it up...I should have just told him that I felt like crawling up the walls with anxiety but I was ashamed and tried to just hide from showing him that I was having emotional/mental health issues. (I was chronically ill at the time).

I lied to him about an xmas gift I got him. When he figured out that I bought him an Ipad and was going to have it engraved he asked if I did that because his last ex did that with his old (and broken) ipad. I was hurt, ashamed and out the money I spent so I said I had bought something else and just didn't have it on hand. I should have just told the truth. I just didn't want to say I was out of money and hurt that the gift i thought of was something his ex had already done and it hurt. we were together less than a month when this happened but had known each other for over 13 years.

I was extremely distraught over an ex of his and how he wasn't honest about their relationship (now I realize it was him not being honest with himself not him trying to lie to me). I was awful and manipulated him into thinking she was trying to get in contact with him so that I could find out what he wasn't telling me when I asked. I can't say for sure why I got so obsessed with this but I did some real damage by trying to play games.

I lied to him about a surgery. I told him a different date and that someone else was taking me (we were off again).

When I was at an all time low and couldn't reach my father (the entire family was trying to find out what happened to him as he is an addict and relapsed). I was drunk and went to him and told him about my dad and that I thought he was probably dead and I'd probably never know. I found out later that my dad was alive by just missing. I still to this day don't know where he is or if he is ok. No one does. I told him that I was drunk and being overly dramatic and that my dad wasn't dead he was missing.

Like I said, I had a lot of issues that I had to work through. I am healthy both physically and emotionally now and work every day to be better than a person who feels undeserving of love. I am a person of integrity and am proud of who I have become. I am ashamed at hurting him and being dishonest the way I was - I can write a book on all the reasons why but a lie is a lie...so to answer your question those are my sins.

PS all of these lies are in the past to the tune of two years. That is how long it took me to sit in therapy and admit to who I was and that I didn't like the person I had become. It has been a painful journey to try and understand why I lied and I even went so far as to think I was a habitual liar...only thing is in therapy I saw that it was a habit in the sense that I saw it as ok from childhood and it was something that was triggered by fear of abandonment. It doesn't make any of what I did ok. Not even a little bit but I DID learn from it.

What you've described aren't really much of a sin as you put it. To be very blunt, those are very easily understandable and forgivable. Also, I see more wrong in his nasty attitude with the gift, than in your fearful reaction and thus the resulting lie. The thing about your father hardly qualifies as a lie at all - for all you knew, he may well have been dead in addition to being missing. It was a legitimate speculation on your part, drunk or otherwise.

I'm concerned that if these are the things that he is holding over your head as "lies" he can't get past or forgive, then he is even more toxic than it seemed at first. I'd be even more concerned that if you carry on with him, he will continue to trigger your problems despite the fact that you've worked so hard to heal yourself. Consider that part of healing is removing toxic influences from your life.

What you've described aren't really much of a sin as you put it. To be very blunt, those are very easily understandable and forgivable. Also, I see more wrong in his nasty attitude with the gift, than in your fearful reaction and thus the resulting lie. The thing about your father hardly qualifies as a lie at all - for all you knew, he may well have been dead in addition to being missing. It was a legitimate speculation on your part, drunk or otherwise.

 

I'm concerned that if these are the things that he is holding over your head as "lies" he can't get past or forgive, then he is even more toxic than it seemed at first. I'd be even more concerned that if you carry on with him, he will continue to trigger your problems despite the fact that you've worked so hard to heal yourself. Consider that part of healing is removing toxic influences from your life.

Thank you for your post. I don't know if perhaps I didn't do the lies their true justice. I know that while understandable the truth was always the best policy. I agree that I cannot allow someone to punish me over and over for things I did well over two years ago. I just thought with the time we spent apart that there was a chance for things to be different.

It was a messy start and at the core of it all was both of us going into the relationship as damaged goods. It didn't help that I became very ill and then very very depressed. I am out of that dark place and I don't want to relive it every day or continue to feel bad about myself for things I did. What does bother me is that I DID hurt him. We hurt each other. I feel that if two people care enough they can make amends and come out with a deeper connection. It takes work and of course it is always easier to just walk away and start over with someone new when you're ready.

I am having a hard time detaching because of the history and all he has been to me: a friend, a lover, a caregiver, a safe place to call home AND my biggest encourager. Those are the things I want and it's hard to know that side of someone and just walk away.

I have empathy for him and know he struggles with depression and low self esteem. I know I can't fix that but I truly believed our love was string enough to weather anything.

It seems as though he is just scared of really investing his heart. I know I can't convince him that I am worth it or that what we have is worth working through the fear. Something is holding me down; telling me to be patient and show kindness. Maybe a need to repay him for all he did for me...I don't know and I will work on it in therapy.

It's definitely triggering my abandonment issues. Truthfully I never had a proper parent and I've survived physical, sexual and emotional abuse. Seems like after all that I can survive anything. It also explains why I ended up in the relationship in the first place. I just feel so lost and so conflicted.

Any advice on how to shed attachment and truly let go? I know the first step is no contact. I just feel that is such a struggle. Like an addict...but after doing it many times I guess it gets easier over time.

How do you just forget a person that meant so much to you?

The addiction issue is bigger than you realize. The best thing you can do in this situation is detach. Have you read about codependency?

The addiction issue is bigger than you realize. The best thing you can do in this situation is detach. Have you read about codependency?

Yes, but it may be time to re-read and work on that for myself. Thank you for replying.

You did express yourself very well and again, I'll just reiterate looking from the outside, that I would find these "lies" easily understandable and forgivable. You come across as a very kind, compassionate person, BUT you need to understand that you deserve kindness and compassion in return and that YOU need to be kind and compassionate to yourself first and foremost. Right now....there is too much blaming yourself for someone else's crappy behavior and unforgiving nature and that is precisely what gets you in trouble when it comes to relationships.

Consider also that for whatever he has done for you while you were together, you equally (and I strongly suspect more than equally) did good things for him and put up with a whole lot of his crap as well. You aren't in his debt, you are more than even.

Ultimately, this relationship came around when it was needed by both of you. You were the one to open your eyes and get therapy and work on fixing yourself, so it has served its purpose in your life. Now, however it's starting to do the opposite and trigger you backwards, so now it's time to let go and move forward and perhaps THAT will finally trigger him to get healthy himself. Things happen for a reason, but it's not always easy to see what it is when you are neck deep in things.

As the above poster said, don't underestimate the power of addiction and the damage of someone pulling you back from your heard earned progress. The only sure fire way to end addiction is cold turkey. Yes, block him and move forward and who knows......that might indeed be the biggest gift you ever give him - the gift of pushing him into getting the help he needs for his own issues.