Her wandering eye

I'm a 26 year old guy. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months now. There have been ups and downs but it has been mostly good. One time she mentioned this co-worker, about his good looks, etc. From that point I wondered if there was something more to it. One day I went through her phone and found that she had told her friend that this co-worker was totally her type and she had even dreamt that she cheated on me with him. Another point to note is, she had cheated on her previous two relationships just to get out of them, to have the guy break up with her. In her messages, she had mentioned that she's afraid she might do it with me. Fast forward to yesterday. We are always texting each other. However yesterday she had disappeared for a few hours. All I could think of was that she was with that guy and something happened. I was right, partially. We spoke a few hours later. I was partially right! She was with him. They had talked and acknowledged the fact that they both were attracted to each other. But nothing happened between them. Anyways, she told me all this. I questioned her and found that she's just physically attracted to him and wants to sleep with him. Our sex life has always been good. She has told me that she's had the best sex in her life with me. So with this situation I know there is nothing wrong with me, but I want to know how I should react to this. How I should handle this?

Well, she's honest about it. Let me ask you this, are you two "exclusive" with each other? Or are you just dating? She may feel it's OK to sleep with other people if you two aren't exclusive. You might want to clarify what your relationship is. She seems to have a healthy sexual appetite. She's young and wants to have fun. You may have assumed too much with her.

You said that she cheated before?

She will cheat again...

Once a cheater, always a cheater...

Maybe she already did the deed? How do you know that she is telling you the truth?

You know who she is - a cheater. So what are you expecting out of her? That you are the special one who will suddenly turn her into a loyal loving woman? It doesn't work like that. Cheating has nothing to do with you or what you have to offer, btw. Cheaters are incredibly selfish, self centered people who don't care about anyone at all other than themselves and getting whatever shiny object has caught their eye at that moment. It's like a kid in a candy store - it doesn't matter that in their right hand they are holding the most amazing candy the store has, their left hand will still reach for whatever catches their eye and they just hope they won't get caught.

First of all, going through her phone is NOT OK. Her convos with her friends are none of your business.

OK, with that out of the way: look, we all feel attracted to other people sometimes. It's normal. But it seems to me that if you two are exclusive (as DanZee points out you may want to get clarification on that) that she's exploring her attraction to this guy with WAY too much vigor. I suppose you could talk to her, see where you stand, and just hope that nothing comes of it but I think she's already crossed the line with this guy. I'd recommend kicking her to the curb. I'm really not getting a strong moral character vibe from her.

You know who she is - a cheater. So what are you expecting out of her? That you are the special one who will suddenly turn her into a loyal loving woman? It doesn't work like that. Cheating has nothing to do with you or what you have to offer, btw. Cheaters are incredibly selfish, self centered people who don't care about anyone at all other than themselves and getting whatever shiny object has caught their eye at that moment. It's like a kid in a candy store - it doesn't matter that in their right hand they are holding the most amazing candy the store has, their left hand will still reach for whatever catches their eye and they just hope they won't get caught.

Very well put DancingFool....

I totally agree...

Cheating is an addiction... It's like getting high....

However yesterday she had disappeared for a few hours. All I could think of was that she was with that guy and something happened. I was right, partially. We spoke a few hours later. I was partially right! She was with him.

I'd be on high alert, if not out the door altogether.

We are exclusive. What started of casual, she wanted more. And it has been serious. I questioned her a bit more of what happened that night. She told me she went to the guy's house with another friend (who is dating the guy's brother). So when these two were alone, apparently SHE joked about the thought of them together, etc. And then they started slow dancing and he kissed her on the cheek and she kissed him on the cheek. She said to her "making out" was the line, and that she hadn't crossed it. She agrees that it was a grey area. Anyways. She begged me not to leave, that she's just addicted to attention. She always has been. She says she has a low self esteem and so when she does get attention, she doesn't want to let go of it. She also mentioned that it was a great adrenaline rush when the guy told her that he's attracted to her. Anyway guys. She has a few mental health problems and is on medication. I don't want to leave and make things worse for her. Make things more difficult. She broke down and begged me to stay. She says that the guilt was eating her up and she wanted to harm herself. I know, sounds like a handful. But I really like her. So I'm stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. Waiting to hear your thoughts

She's already cheated on you.

I don't know what you're wanting from this. She seems like she can't commit and needs validation to feel good. She's cheated in the past and she's cheated on you. Dunno what you're holding on to? Oh and her guilt tripping you and crying and threatening to self harm is incredibly manipulative and immature. I think you can do better than THAT.

I wouldn't be surprised if she's already slept with him.

Cheating is anything you wouldn't be comfortable doing in front of ur s/o so it's way more than just kissing and sex.

Wow, so she says "hey hon, I want to sleep with this other guy". But that's OK because she has low self-esteem problems and sleeping with men will fix all that. Ugh. I would flip and head for the hills. There has to be someone better out there who will respect you and not put you through this garbage.

Don't fall into the White Knight Syndrome trap. You can't rescue this woman. There are sings flashing in front you saying: "Danger: Disaster Ahead." Heed those signs.

I would tell her that you are sorry that she has her struggles emotionally and in relationships and that you hope she can overcome those struggles, but that it isn't going to be at the expense of your own happiness and self-respect. Tell her you deserve someone who will be a solid and loyal partner and that you haven't found it here, so you wish her well and are moving on.

I am well aware that what I just said is way easier said than done, but this woman is only going to break your heart and bring drama into your life.

She be back in the guys place before you know it. If you want to be cuckold to a steady stream of guys, she'll be able to make that happen for you.

Here is something to remember. A women will always tell the truth and not lie. She ill give you hints. When she mentions that "nice, good looking coworker" what she is saying is "hey...I'm attracted to another guy and if you don't show up as the guy I want then he will be the replacement"....You have to read between the lines...

She already blew it. She knew what she was doing going over there. Now it's your turn to find someone for yourself that shows you respect. Come from a mindset of "abundance" and not scarcity that this is the only woman on the planet.....there are plenty of loyal attractive women out there just waiting to meet ya...

Thanks buddy. It's drama that I really hate. And it looks like she really thrives on it. All you guys on this thread have been really helpful.

Cheaters only cry for two reasons, (1) because they feel sorry for themselves for getting caught out and (2) to manipulate you into staying for round two, three,.....ten....until you have no self esteem left yourself.

If she truly felt such guilt and remorse like she claims she would have never cheated again in her lifetime after the first time. She is a known serial cheater. She also knows that she can manipulate you because you've already accepted her cheating ways from the get go. She will try hard and try many things to get you to stay and that itself is kind of a high, a power trip and a huge ego boost for her, especially if she actually succeeds and you stay.

So I hope that you show her that you have enough self respect to leave for good and let her deal with her issues if she wants to. She doesn't, btw, because there will always be plenty of guys who will put up with anything for a pretty girl.

You need to understand that there are plenty of attractive loyal women out there who would kill to be with you. Agree with above poster - look from a point of abundance.

Someone who so desperately seeks validation from others is a big risk when it comes to cheating. Someone who has cheated in the last also adds another risk. Both of these things make it look like even if she didn't cheat on you, which it appears she did, she will very likely do it in the future.

That breaking down crying she does and her threats of self harming are just attempts to emotionally manipulate you. That reaction alone would make me think that more happened than she told you about.

It really sounds like you are getting played. Sorry for this.

You should read up some on white knight syndrome.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Break up with her before she does the same thing that she did with the other guys, with you.

You've already tolerated much more than what most people would tolerate -- how much longer are you willing to tolerate this disrespectful behavior from your partner? You're teaching her to disrespect you by allowing her to cross those boundaries...

It is so difficult to just leave. I know this is not going to last. But I don't know how to end it. She's just become such an integral part of my life. I'm just waiting for a situation where I move to a different place or she does. She broke up with me once because she wanted to get married in the next few years and I didn't (I'm 2 years younger). We got back together, after she said, she didn't want to get married just because her friends are married or just for society. She was ok with the uncertainty if we'd ever get married.

That aside. Here's one more thing to note. The other day when the incident happened, and she called the first time she said the following things "I have developed feelings for him". "We will be on a work trip next month and I'm afraid I'll make a mistake". Then towards the middle of the call, it changed to "I don't want a relationship with him, nor does he".. "it's just like a school girl crush"..then the next day it changed to "I'm so ashamed of thinking I'll do something on the work trip".."I will stop talking to him/meeting him"...

When I asked what makes the guy so attractive to her, this was her response:

"I think I'm attracted to overconfident guys who act like they know everything.. and they turn out to be douchebags"

"The fact that the guy sleeps around, women find him attractive, and he chose her out of everyone"

...

I'm a nice guy, even if I say so myself. She's told me so many times that she loves my kindness. So do all girls go for the bad boys? And do nice guys actually finish last?

I could be a douchebag player who sleeps around if I wanted to. But I choose not to. That's what infuriates me.

....Water seeks its own level. She is a cheater, she is attracted to the same. Don't you think that makes sense?

If you are a decent guy, then have the basic sense to go be with a decent woman. In other words, go seek someone who is actually on YOUR level.

The whole bad boys, good guys finish last is bs. Healthy, good, confident men don't waste their time on cheating floozies, so no, they don't finish last, they finish with a good healthy attractive woman by their side and enjoy their life with her worry free.

You aren't actually being a nice guy, btw, you are being a pitiful doormat. She is telling you to your face she is going to cheat on you and she wants to fck some other guy and you still can't manage to dump this ho...? Are you serious? How low is your self esteem?....or how hot is the sex with her that you are willing to put up with this sh$t?

Cheaters only cry for two reasons, (1) because they feel sorry for themselves for getting caught out and (2) to manipulate you into staying for round two, three,.....ten....until you have no self esteem left yourself.

 

If she truly felt such guilt and remorse like she claims she would have never cheated again in her lifetime after the first time. She is a known serial cheater. She also knows that she can manipulate you because you've already accepted her cheating ways from the get go. She will try hard and try many things to get you to stay and that itself is kind of a high, a power trip and a huge ego boost for her, especially if she actually succeeds and you stay.

 

So I hope that you show her that you have enough self respect to leave for good and let her deal with her issues if she wants to. She doesn't, btw, because there will always be plenty of guys who will put up with anything for a pretty girl.

 

You need to understand that there are plenty of attractive loyal women out there who would kill to be with you. Agree with above poster - look from a point of abundance.

I totally agree.

Why should you be the second best?

Why should you sit on the sidelines waiting, while she has the permission and desire to run around and sleep with whom ever she desires? Is that fair to you?

Absolutely not!!!!!

And then what? When the well dries up, she will come back to you because she is lonely?

Have the self respect. And yes abundance.... And yes, someone that will love you for real will come... And most of the time people come into your life when you don't look for them.

Let her go to her own devices and you "DO YOU".....

Cut all contact off and disappear... Be the "HOUDINI".... Go radio silence and watch what happens and you will get your own true answer...

Love is not "CHEATING"...

I love these threads because people here have great advise and help others get their heads on right... As many helped me when I had my down fall...

My EX wife of 14 years was a cheater... I divorced her because she cheated on me... By the time I found out that she was cheating, and I investigated the matter further, I found out that she cheated on me with multiple lovers....Most of them from work... She actually lost her job because she was sleeping around with guy after work and his wife found out and made a huge deal about it.... KARMA..... Luckily I won the divorce.... And you know what? There is nothing wrong with me.... I am not less of a man.... The problem is that this is all psychological... It's a drug... A high.... The thrill and the chase.... Eventually it catches up to people like that, and all they have is themselves because no one else wants them.... Eventually my EX wife tried to come back to me.... Yeah, It felt great slamming my door in her face.....

You guys have no idea how much I appreciate all of you. Just reading your views on things helps me in a lot of ways.

So I guess this will be my last update.

I got some really ty information today. I asked her if she ever thought of him during sex, and you guessed it, her answer was yes. I don't even know how I feel about this. I asked what makes it so enticing, and she said things like "adrenaline rush.." "imagining how the other guy would be in bed.." "validation of her own attractiveness.."

Here's the thing. She admits she has a problem. She admits that she's an addict. She has always been truthful (even though the truth hurts like a ). She wants to get better, she has a shrink who is helping her out. Whatever it is, she believes she can be better and really hopes that I would help her though it.

I love that most of you take my side on this even without knowing me. And I really appreciate every bit of advice. So just your thoughts on this last bit of information would be great.

She's a douchebag. Time to wake up to that.

Explain to her your concerns and politely ask her to cut contact with this co worker (except for at work of course) and if she doesn’t, end the relationship. If she agrees and you catch her going out with him/hanging out with him or something seems fishy, end the relationship.

If she continues to speak to him, this is only going to go one way. Best of luck.

You guys have no idea how much I appreciate all of you. Just reading your views on things helps me in a lot of ways.

 

So I guess this will be my last update.

 

I got some really ty information today. I asked her if she ever thought of him during sex, and you guessed it, her answer was yes. I don't even know how I feel about this. I asked what makes it so enticing, and she said things like "adrenaline rush.." "imagining how the other guy would be in bed.." "validation of her own attractiveness.."

 

Here's the thing. She admits she has a problem. She admits that she's an addict. She has always been truthful (even though the truth hurts like a ). She wants to get better, she has a shrink who is helping her out. Whatever it is, she believes she can be better and really hopes that I would help her though it.

 

I love that most of you take my side on this even without knowing me. And I really appreciate every bit of advice. So just your thoughts on this last bit of information would be great.

My thoughts on this are very simple. Even if she is serious about fixing herself and has a shrink and so on, it takes 2-3 years to actually succeed. Also, and this is critical - effective therapy requires that she actually be single because a huge part of her fixing herself is learning that she can stand on her own two feet, that she doesn't lean on any relationship, on any man, that she specifically is not involved in any way. Not casually, not otherwise. So if you care about her, you have to drop her and let her actually face her fears. If you stay, you will continue to enable her bs while she destroys you by cheating on you. You won't be helping her and you will destroy yourself in this process. Keep in mind also that most people flunk out of therapy and go back to being themselves because that is easier and requires less work. Fundamentally changing yourself is a mammoth task that requires serious dedication and I don't see that coming from her just based on the fact of how she is trying to manipulate you.

I think you need to wake up, face who she is, stop kidding yourself and dump her for good. Then be sure that you block her azz and go absolutely no contact. She will be enraged that you dared to dump her and she will go nuts doing ANYTHING to manipulate you back into the fold so to speak. Expect it and keep reminding yourself that what she is demonstrating isn't love but damaged ego she is trying to restore. You can't fix crazy, but crazy can drag you down to their level any time and make you equally nuts.