Feeling A Bit Shallow Today. :(

Guys, you've been helping me a lot lately so here's one more, if you can.

Last night I went to a single's event in my city, and got chatting with this intelligent, attractive (will get to that later), super successful guy, for like 3-4 hours!

We couldn't stop. Bantering, challenging each other, laughing, the whole nine. For hours!

It was super fun! Even felt a bit of tension at certain points (all that bantering and challenging), which was also fun.

He asked for my number, and wants to take me out.

I gave him my email instead, I prefer that over texting, at least at first.

Sounds good right?

Well, I hate to admit this but there is one major issue for me (shudders) he has really bad acne scars on face.

I've been thinking about it, and try as I might, I cannot seem to get past this!

I can't imagine kissing him, or shame on me, even introducing him to friends and family.

This is strange for me, as I've never considered myself to be a shallow person, I've been attracted to short guys, a little over-weight, not the best looking, but this, the bad skin, I cannot get past!

What is this about? I really did enjoy being with him, he's not exactly unattractive and his body is hot!

But the acne thing, I am just so torn and feel horrible for feeling this way!

He emailed me today telling me what a "breath of fresh air" I am and how I made his night.

He called me beautiful, sweet but "edgy". Great combo, at least for him.

Wants to take me out and asked what a good night was for me this week.

He already knows I don't have a boyfriend, and that I am open to dating, otherwise I would not have attended this single's event.

I don't know what to tell him. I mean I do, but why is it so difficult this time?

He's done nothing "wrong", I am so torn!

Am I horrible for feeling this way?

Help and thanks in advance!

You're allowed to be shallow. However, I think you owe it to him to go on one date. If you don't, you super led him on and took away his opportunity to network with other women at this event.

You were attracted to him, that's undeniable. Give him a chance IMO.

You're allowed to not find him physically attractive. It's not shallow to have standards, even if there's other chemistry there.

You don't owe him a date. If you're not into him because of the scars, then that's okay.

You're allowed to be shallow. However, I think you owe it to him to go on one date. If you don't, you super led him on and took away his opportunity to network with other women at this event.

 

You were attracted to him, that's undeniable. Give him a chance IMO.

I know that's very true. But we were having so much fun and connecting.

That is why I feel so bad and guilty.

Would not going out on a date be leading him on even more though?

While we were chatting, I wasn't thinking about the acne, it was only after I started thinking about actually dating him, that it started to affect me, not in a good way.

Let's face it, I'm shallow.

Unless there is some deeper issue and I'm using the acne as an excuse.

You're allowed to not find him physically attractive. It's not shallow to have standards, even if there's other chemistry there.

 

You don't owe him a date. If you're not into him because of the scars, then that's okay.

Thank you for saying this.

Sucks though, cause we really did connect.

Typically you kiss someone you are dating -- eventually. If you are repulsed by the thought of kissing him, the buck stops there.

You enjoyed his company at the singles event. That's great - hopefully you find someone whose company you enjoy, who you can feel comfortable kissing eventually.

Flip side - and maybe this is just me - but I have found myself become attracted to people I didn't find physically attractive before. I don't know.

Flip side - and maybe this is just me - but I have found myself become attracted to people I didn't find physically attractive before. I don't know.

What's interesting is that it's not like I'm not "attracted to" him, I mean we really connected. I felt good being with him.

If I rejected him (and actually haven't made up my mind yet) it would be solely because of his facial scars.

That is what makes this so damn shallow! Or if it goes deeper, like some sort of fear or other issue, I need to figure it out.

If my dad were alive, he'd be "kicking my butt" for feeling this way, I know it!

The guy is a great catch, super great catch!

And it's not often I connect with people (men) like that. On that level.

It's just not based on immediate sexual attraction, which if I'm honest is a bit strange and different for me.

I think I am actually talking myself into this!

What's interesting is that it's not like I'm not "attracted to" him, I mean we really connected. I felt good being with him.

 

If I rejected him (and actually haven't made up my mind yet) it would be solely because of his facial scars.

 

That is what makes this so damn shallow!

 

If my dad were alive, he'd be kicking my butt for feeling this way, I know it!

 

The guy is a great catch, super great catch!

 

And it's not often I connect with people (men) like that. On that level.

 

It's just not based on immediate sexual attraction, which if I'm honest is a bit strange and different for me.

 

I think I am actually talking myself into this!

 

In my mind, that kind of connection is elusive. I would personally give it a shot.

In my mind, that kind of connection is elusive. I would personally give it a shot.

What type of connection are you referring to?

The mental connection I felt with him, or the immediate sexual attraction/connection I felt with others?

If it didnt bother you last night & you chatted with this man for 3-4 hours then stop overthinking things & go out with him.

One other thing though, I am wondering why he hasnt undertaken laser treatment on his acne scars ?

While we were chatting, I wasn't thinking about the acne, it was only after I started thinking about actually dating him, that it started to affect me, not in a good way.

Unless there is some deeper issue and I'm using the acne as an excuse.

You're not shallow. You're using this as an excuse to put some distance between yourself and this guy. You're into him and you are scared to open yourself up and be vulnerable. This is most likely due to the fact that you have been hurt by guys in the past.

This thread doesn't matter though. You're going to go on a date with him no matter what any of us say or what "decision" you come to on your own.

If it didnt bother you last night & you chatted with this man for 3-4 hours then stop overthinking things & go out with him.

 

One other thing though, I am wondering why he hasnt undertaken laser treatment on his acne scars ?

If I had to venture a guess, it's because he doesn't feel it's necessary.

His self-confidence is off the charts!

It was very obvious in how he interacted with me.

Very self-assured, at least that is how he presented himself.

You're not shallow. You're using this as an excuse to put some distance between yourself and this guy. You're into him and you are scared to open yourself up and be vulnerable. This is most likely due to the fact that you have been hurt by guys in the past.

 

Yeah? That's deep alright.

You may be right though, unfortunately.

Ty.

Yeah? That's deep alright.

 

You may be right though, unfortunately.

 

Ty.

Yw. Nothing unfortunate about it though. Don't judge yourself or your past experiences. You are the way you are for very justified reasons and you couldn't be any other way.

Yw. Nothing unfortunate about it though. Don't judge yourself or your past experiences. You are the way you are for very justified reasons and you couldn't be any other way.

Yeah I know.

Didn't think I was judging, but I did have a couple of pretty bad heartbreaks, this year in particular.

I never posted about those experiences, sort of shoved them down instead of dealing.

Maybe coming back to haunt me now?

I don't know, I just broke up with a guy a few weeks ago, those previous experiences didn't prevent me from opening up and being vulnerable with him.

I eventually realized he wasn't right for me and ended it, and am fine about it.

Maybe this situation is different, I need to explore all this.

Again, I have a feeling you're right though, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling so torn about it.

Maybe this situation is different

It definitely is. The last guy didn't capture your attention the way this guy does.

Also skin conditions change.

He may get treatment down the line and his acne would improve and then ud be kicking urself. I dunno. I agree with one of the other commentstors. Sexual feelings change over time. I wouldnt put so much wheight on that.

He may get treatment down the line and his acne would improve and then ud be kicking urself. I dunno. I agree with one of the other commentstors. Sexual feelings change over time. I wouldnt put so much wheight on that.

He does not the have acne anymore fabact, just the scars.

I didn't see them last night. I mean I did, but didn't matter.

As I said (or think I said, my brain is spinning), it was only after he actually asked me out and I started thinking about actually dating him, when they started to negatively affect me.

I thought it might be shallowness, but a part of me suspected it might be something deeper.

Careerchoice suspected as well, and I think he's on to something.

I need to not be making this so complicated and just go out with him!

If you liked everything else about him but are just kind of hung up on the acne scars I'd give him a chance. There is something called "The Repeat Exposure Effect" (I'm sure you've experienced it) in which people find someone more attractive over time. If things were to go well I doubt you'd see or care about the scars in pretty short order.

But from what you are describing maybe you just aren't ready to date anyone right now.

If you liked everything else about him but are just kind of hung up on the acne scars I'd give him a chance. There is something called "The Repeat Exposure Effect" (I'm sure you've experienced it) in which people find someone more attractive over time. If things were to go well I doubt you'd see or care about the scars in pretty short order.

 

But from what you are describing maybe you just aren't ready to date anyone right now.

Thanks Krankor.

No I'm ready, I already took a break after my last "disappointment" earlier this spring/summer.

Then went on vacay and felt ready again after that.

I'm fine, just over-thinking.

I can't avoid this forever!

I realized something about myself though, which probably differs from how most (or many) women feel.

The mental/emotional connection is "scarier" for me than the sexual connection.

Sexual connections are familiar to me, it's what most if not all my LTRs were based on. From beginning to end.

And this last one, although was very short term, was also.

With this man, it's more of a mental connection, and even emotional in a way.

So it's different for me, scarier, as silly as that might sound to some.

Thanks Krankor.

 

No I'm ready, I already took a break after my last "disappointment" earlier this spring/summer.

 

Then went on vacay and felt ready again after that.

 

I'm fine, just over-thinking.

 

I can't avoid this forever!

 

I realized something about myself though, which probably differs from how most (or many) women feel.

 

The mental/emotional connection is "scarier" for me than the sexual connection.

 

Sexual connections are familiar to me, it's what most if not all my LTRs were based on. From beginning to end.

 

And this last one, although was very short term, was also.

 

With this man, it's more of a mental connection, and even emotional in a way.

 

So it's different for me, scarier, as silly as that might sound to some.

I'll say this: One of my girlfriends had skinny legs proportionate to the rest of her body. It bothered me a little at first, soon I didn't notice or care.

My second-to-last was a bit smaller chested than I normally like. It bothered me a little at first, soon I didn't notice or care.

My last one had this kind of weird thing where when she was talking or smiled the right side of her top lip tended to curl up while the left didn't. I think she had a slight case of TMJ. It bothered me a little at first, soon I didn't notice or care.

Of course, we are two different people, and we are all allowed to decide we don't find someone physically attractive enough to consider romantically. That's not shallow at all. Shallow would be you judging him as less than in general because of his scars. Anyway, good luck!

As someone with very bad acne this is painful to read.....

But i agree that it only happened after he asked you on a date, meaning its the date thing, not the acne thing.

Your mind is trying to find an excuse.

Go on one date, see if that connection is still there.....

If you fall for someone those things fade away

I haven't read all replies , but I DON'T think you should waste another moment of his time . Simple .