How does this happen?

There is a woman in my life, a co-worker. We’re friends, but not that close. This woman is amazing. Beautiful, kind, artistic, intelligent. We grew up in the same town. She comes from a great family, college educated. Nobody’s perfect, but she’s close. Obviously I’m attracted to her. Recently, she went into rehab for 30 days for drinking. While there, she met a guy. A drug addict with a long history of relapsing and arrests, and I believe he may even have a child. The two are now in a relationship, complete with Facebook couple photos and everything.

How does a woman come to make such a self destructive decision? A recovering heroin addict is. A more suitable mate than me?

Love and attraction aren't logical in nature.

Don't get caught up in comparisons - you'll drive yourself crazy.

You said you're friends but not that close so I would assume you never made your feelings clear so technically she hasn't chosen him over you. You never made yourself an option because you never put yourself in the game. Unless I'm missing something.

No, you’re not missing anything. We barely know each other. My feelings mostly come from attraction and observation of her and her life.

Well, they have something in common -- their addiction. Don't even bother thinking about it.

Did I mention that she lost her own brother to drug addiction a few years ago? And now she’s chosen to enter into a relationship with an addict.

No, you’re not missing anything. We barely know each other. My feelings mostly come from attraction and observation of her and her life.

I find it ironic that you question her judgment for falling for this other man, a drug addict in rehab, while you yourself have fallen for her, an alcoholic, also in rehab.

Not to mention, your "feelings" for her are based solely on her physical appearance and through observation. You don't even know her.

Perhaps instead of judging and criticizing her choices, you should judge yourself for your own..

They're no different from hers, apparently.

With the exception that at least SHE has spent some quality time with this other man, and actually gotten to know him, before falling for/choosing him.

I find it ironic that you question her judgment for falling for this other man, a drug addict in rehab, while you yourself have fallen for her, an alcoholic, also in rehab.

The situations are a little different though. Drug addiction is much more harmful than alcohol, and this guys use of drugs is long and extensive.

Not to mention, your "feelings" for her are based solely on her physical appearance and through observation. You don't even know her.

I know a lot about her. True, physical attractiveness is a big part of it, but this is someone who I grew up in the same town as. We went to the same schools, although we did not know each other until recently. Our families are similar, our upbringings were as well.

Perhaps instead of judging and criticizing her choices, you should judge yourself for your own.

What choices?

>>What choices?

She "chose" this other man over you.

Isn't that what this thread is about?

Why she chose this other man over you?

And BTW, do you know anything about alcoholism?

It's an addiction, just like drugs, and equally as harmful.

Both can literally destroy you, and kill you.

I give them both credit for seeking help.

It's not easy and in doing so, they found a commonality and fell for each other, which is not uncommon.

I wish them both well in their recovery, so should you.

This is not about my bitterness over her choosing another man. It’s about why she did. What possessed her to think this relationship would be a good idea? It should come as no surprise that the guy is younger and attractive. I just wonder how much that factored in. Maybe more than her and most women would like to admit.

This is not about my bitterness over her choosing another man. It’s about why she did. What possessed her to think this relationship would be a good idea?

 

 

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It should come as no surprise that the guy is younger and attractive. I just wonder how much that factored in. Maybe more than her and most women would like to admit.

It probably factored in as much as her physical appearance factored in for "you."

That, and in getting to know him, discovered that attraction went deeper than mere physical appearance.

Recovery programs are intense. Lots of introspection and self-reflection, individual and group therapy exploring deeper issues with oneself.

This tends to draw those in recovery closer together.

Sort of like experiencing a life-threatening experience together, it bonds you.

I dunno, I am just speculating. As are you.

Just accept they're together and let it go.

This is not about my bitterness over her choosing another man. It’s about why she did. What possessed her to think this relationship would be a good idea? It should come as no surprise that the guy is younger and attractive. I just wonder how much that factored in. Maybe more than her and most women would like to admit.

Ahhhh, things are starting to be clear now. The disgruntled guy angry the girl out of his league isn't giving him the time of day. It all makes sense now. This post is indeed about your bitterness. Why ask these questions? Wouldn't you say they're irrelevant in the grande scheme of things? I mean what if she didn't fall for this guy? What if she fell for your equivalent, you'd still be annoyed right? Trust me, this isn't about her or him. You're mad at yourself.

It’s not bitterness, it’s confusion. This isn’t sour grapes. She’s not some lost love I’ve been pining away for. It’s that this experience seems to be a recurring one in my experience and observation. Women falling for these types.

It’s not bitterness, it’s confusion. This isn’t sour grapes. She’s not some lost love I’ve been pining away for. It’s that this experience seems to be a recurring one in my experience and observation. Women falling for these types.

Oh you mean the "bad boys"? Guys who like to live on the edge?

Yeah there is a certain appeal.

What's even more appealing is the "recovered bad boy." lol

Still has those "edgy" qualities but has matured and grown, evolved.

They are the best! In my opinion anyway.

I bet that is why she fell for him.

If I may ask, why did you fall for her, other than her appearance and what you've observed?

She has an addiction too after all.

How does a woman come to make such a self destructive decision? A recovering heroin addict is. A more suitable mate than me?

Because it's not a decision, it's a reaction? And you weren't even an option for her since you didn't make a move. You can't blame either one of them for that. The only person you can blame is yourself.

You say it's not sour grapes, but it certainly is. Your only interest in creating this thread is to throw shade.

It’s not bitterness, it’s confusion. This isn’t sour grapes. She’s not some lost love I’ve been pining away for. It’s that this experience seems to be a recurring one in my experience and observation. Women falling for these types.

So what are you going to do, argue with the way the world works? This is the way it is and your only option is to accept it and step up your game or die alone. But this passive-aggressive complaining doesn't accomplish anything.

How do I step up my game in this situation? Start shooting heroin? Make a lifetime of bad choices that lands me in rehab? It worked for this guy. Zero consequences for his poor life choices. His reward? A relationship with a seemingly perfect woman.

How do I step up my game in this situation? Start shooting heroin? Make a lifetime of bad choices that lands me in rehab? It worked for this guy. Zero consequences for his poor life choices. His reward? A relationship with a seemingly perfect woman.

So you think she was attracted to his drug addiction and criminal history? Interesting conclusion based on such limited information. Could it not be that he is more charming than you and that is what attracted her? Maybe he has more experience with women than you and knows how to lead the interaction? Maybe he wasn't too afraid to make a move for her unlike you? Sounds like the one with the critical flaws is you.

It is possible to become more charming and better with women. I have personally experienced this transformation, especially over the past 3 months. It's been incredible.

How do I step up my game in this situation? Start shooting heroin? Make a lifetime of bad choices that lands me in rehab? It worked for this guy. Zero consequences for his poor life choices. His reward? A relationship with a seemingly perfect woman.

Zero consequences? I highly doubt HE would agree with that assessment.

Drug addiction is a nightmare, and I am speaking from experience, my long term ex, with whom I was engaged, was a serious drug addict.

Withdrawal and recovery is no piece of cake, it's painful and horrible, you need to educate yourself if you think it is or that he's suffered zero consequences.

I cannot even believe you think this way.

And this girl did not fall for him because he shoots heroin.

He's in recovery, remember?

Educate yourself!

Zero consequences at least when it comes to women. He has a long history of girlfriends, at least according to his Facebook timeline. Sure, there are consequences to substance abuse like employment and such, but this guy is picking up women in rehab.

And as someone who has experience with this, I’m sure you can understand how destructive it is getting into a relationship with a known addict.

So you think she was attracted to his drug addiction and criminal history? Interesting conclusion based on such limited information. Could it not be that he is more charming than you and that is what attracted her? Maybe he has more experience with women than you and knows how to lead the interaction? Maybe he wasn't too afraid to make a move for her unlike you? Sounds like the one with the critical flaws is you.

 

It is possible to become more charming and better with women. I have personally experienced this transformation, especially over the past 3 months. It's been incredible.

So what’s the lesson here? Women will accept your dangerous, destructive, criminal acts as long as you’re charming? Why bother teaching kids to avoid drugs? It clearly hasn’t prevented this guy from landing women.

So what’s the lesson here? Women will accept your dangerous, destructive, criminal acts as long as you’re charming?

Exactly.

Why bother teaching kids to avoid drugs? It clearly hasn’t prevented this guy from landing women.

Because drugs are bad for you for reasons other than ones that have to do with attracting women.

It's creepy that you're FB stalking them when you don't even know them. Jeez...Get a life.

Everybody FB stalks.

But you're judging them, getting all bitter and obsessed. So stop. You know nothing about her, besides things you've projected or assumed. Stop obsessing, use that energy on something else more productive.