Living Together For 4 Years, But I'm Exhausted/Frustrated.

I've been with my girlfriend for 9 years and we've been living together for 4 years. We're in our late 20s and our relationship started near the end of high school. The reason we moved in together was largely due to necessity. We're perusing our careers far away from our hometown and decided it would be cheaper and it would just make sense to live together.

There are many issues that bother me about our relationship, but I've always internalized them and just ignored them away in the hopes of it going away. One major issue in our relationship is our sex life. Throughout the 9 years I've been with her, we've probably had sex (intercourse) less than 30 times. The first time we had intercourse was more than a year into the relationship.

Few things that explain this issue are her religious upbringing. She's always felt like sex without being married is wrong. Second, she says that sex hurts her. I don't think there is anything physically wrong with her, but it's really just a mental thing. When we're on vacation and there is alcohol involved, she doesn't complain about pain, but on a regular night she complains about pain.

I've done everything possible to fix this. I've bought her toys, tried dozens of different lubrication products, etc. I've suggested spending several days per week using toys together to get her more comfortable, but she doesn't want to do/try anything with me involved. She's willing to experiment with toys alone, but when i'm the room with her, she doesn't feel comfortable masturbating or orgasm.

She also refuses my attempts to give her oral because she thinks that is gross. It's extremely frustrating because it's been 9 years and there is hardly any intimacy in the relationship. I love her so much, but I feel like my libido is at a 10/10 whereas her libido is at a 1/10. It's incredibly frustrating and exhausting to always be the one to try to initiate intimacy and convince her that having sex is okay, convince her to relax, etc.

I've talked to her about our sex life (or lack of) and she admits that it's an issue. But, she tells me to stop pressuring her. I lay off the issue for months and nothing changes.

I can't even imagine leaving her, I've been with her for a huge part of my life. We lost our virginity to each other, neither of us have been in any other relationships. I love her just as much as I loved her on day one. But I think sex is such an important part of the relationship and I have high sex drive, whereas her sex drive is nonexistent.

I'd like to hear if anyone has experienced something similar or anyone that may have advice for me.

Thank you for hearing me out.

I can't even imagine leaving her,

If she won't go to a sex therapist with you your only options is learn to do without. I suppose she doesn't like you masturbating to porn either?

then get used to having sex once a year till it peters down to zero a year.

 

If she won't go to a sex therapist with you your only options is learn to do without. I suppose she doesn't like you masturbating to porn either?

She know's that I masturbate all the time, but she doesn't know that I watch porn. She would be very hurt if she found out that I watch porn, but this isn't really something I feel guilty about.... because I think it is an absurd request given the lack of sex.

She's always felt like sex without being married is wrong.

Well, are you two planning on getting married?

I'm not saying that marriage will necessarily change anything in the bedroom, but given how long you've been together, surely you two have talked about where this relationship is going?

Well, are you two planning on getting married?

 

I'm not saying that marriage will necessarily change anything in the bedroom, but given how long you've been together, surely you two have talked about where this relationship is going?

Gosh, don't marry her if she's not willing to do something about her lack of libido, her fear of sex and her adverse reaction to intimacy in general. Marrying her will NOT fix this.

She know's that I masturbate all the time, but she doesn't know that I watch porn. She would be very hurt if she found out that I watch porn, but this isn't really something I feel guilty about.... because I think it is an absurd request given the lack of sex.

I agree.

Well, are you two planning on getting married?

 

I'm not saying that marriage will necessarily change anything in the bedroom, but given how long you've been together, surely you two have talked about where this relationship is going?

Of course we have, that has been our plan for many years. We haven't gotten married because of some external issues (money, careers right now, etc), but it's always been the plan.

I myself don't believe that marriage will change anything. Maybe it may be a little better, but I really feel like she doesn't think about sex at all. Before she was with me, she never even experimented with herself (never masturbated, never watched porn, nothing....). I though that was weird, but just figured that I'm a guy and think about this stuff differently.

I would imagine that by the time a girl is 18, she would have masturbated at least once. One side of my brain is like it was just because of religious, the other side is like don't be stupid she just has no libido.

Gosh, don't marry her if she's not willing to do something about her lack of libido, her fear of sex and her adverse reaction to intimacy in general. Marrying her will NOT fix this.

 

 

I agree.

Nor did I say it would.

I asked OP that to highlight that fact that 9 years is a long time to be in a frustrating relationship in which he feels unsatisfied in such a significant area. If he doesn't feel this will get better or that he is at the end of his rope, I am curious to know what he is still doing there. He ought to know by now whether or not he wants a future with her, and thus whether this problem is truly worth working on anymore.

I've thought about ending the relationship for years. But then I go through stretches of time where she is so wonderful in other areas that I've been happy to know that I stayed. I typically am convinced that I need to leave her for one or two weeks, then i'll change my mind or convince myself that I love her too much and i'll regret it.

I guess, the reason I have't left is because I love her too much to hurt her.... I'd fear for her health and I don't know how she would cope. I feel like I'll regret the decision the next day....

I also haven't been in any other other relationships, so I don't know if it's normal for women not to want sex. I don't even know what is normal...

I think at the beginning of the relationship it's normal, for "good girls", to feel a bit scared, inhibited, uncomfortable or want to go slow but at the same time to hope that their partner makes them feel comfortable and these inhibitions will naturally go away. It's not something normal to be afraid to feel horny or pleasurable years into the relationship. It must be really disappointing for you that she isn't a problem solver, responsible for her sexual health, someone who will seek sexual therapy just for herself out of wish to be able to fully enjoy sex. Her problem solving tactic is pretending that the problem doesn't exist, that when she closes her eyes and you leave her alone for a while, when she opens it it will be magically gone

I wonder if she's an independent, strong, self-aware problem-fixer in other areas of life, and just misses that power in this area? Or is she generally an avoider type, someone who won't hear you out that you're unhappy with some area of your lives, not willing to work on a problem by her own will? If her attitude to this problem, a bit self-centered, avoidant and full of fear, is a more of a recurring issue in your relationship, this would create an obstacle in the marriage - apart from the sex thing - until she'd willing to work on herself.

I think at the beginning of the relationship it's normal, for "good girls", to feel a bit scared, inhibited, uncomfortable or want to go slow but at the same time to hope that their partner makes them feel comfortable and these inhibitions will naturally go away. It's not something normal to be afraid to feel horny or pleasurable years into the relationship. It must be really disappointing for you that she isn't a problem solver, responsible for her sexual health, someone who will seek sexual therapy just for herself out of wish to be able to fully enjoy sex. Her problem solving tactic is pretending that the problem doesn't exist, that when she closes her eyes and you leave her alone for a while, when she opens it it will be magically gone

 

I wonder if she's an independent, strong, self-aware problem-fixer in other areas of life, and just misses that power in this area? Or is she generally an avoider type, someone who won't hear you out that you're unhappy with some area of your lives, not willing to work on a problem by her own will? If her attitude to this problem, a bit self-centered, avoidant and full of fear, is a more of a recurring issue in your relationship, this would create an obstacle in the marriage - apart from the sex thing - until she'd willing to work on herself.

The last time I spoke with her seriously about my concerns, she admitted that she's never even looked online for advice or to do any type of research. When I told her that I thought it was pretty strange because I'm online for hours trying to seek advice, she said that she doesn't see it as such a big deal and that I don't understand that women don't think like men.

When she finds out i'm unhappy, she'll be super nice for a few days, maybe even give oral. But, it's all temporary... maybe a few days of this and then one or more months of virtually nothing. I will say, she is very stressed all of the time because of her work. She doesn't handle stress very well and I've always tried to convince myself that this is the issue and in a few years things will be different.

I can tell you from experience - this isn't typical. Most women have a higher than 1/100 sex drive. She just isn't that into you, or she doesn't have much of a sex drive. This is a case of sexual incompatibility, and you should leave her unless you're okay with this for the rest of your life.

She needs to get over the hangups around sex. You should talk to her seriously about this. I was like that for years and ruined my first relationships in my 20s with amazing guys. Lamest thing ever bc I didn't know the power and amazingness of the Pxxxy. She needs to read Mama Gena. The title of the book is Pxxxy and it's on the nytimes best seller list. I'm not talking about feminism I'm talking about getting over hangups about what we females are born with.

I can tell you from experience - this isn't typical. Most women have a higher than 1/100 sex drive. She just isn't that into you, or she doesn't have much of a sex drive. This is a case of sexual incompatibility, and you should leave her unless you're okay with this for the rest of your life.

Thank you for the response. Definitely not something I'd like to deal with for the rest of my life.

She needs to get over the hangups around sex. You should talk to her seriously about this. I was like that for years and ruined my first relationships in my 20s with amazing guys. Lamest thing ever bc I didn't know the power and amazingness of the Pxxxy. She needs to read Mama Gena. The title of the book is Pxxxy and it's on the nytimes best seller list. I'm not talking about feminism I'm talking about getting over hangups about what we females are born with.

Thank you for the recommendation. I've talked to her seriously on multiple occasions, unfortunately it just doesn't seem to make a long-term difference. I'll look into getting that for her and see if she'll consider reading it.

You're wasting your time on someone who's not meant for you. There are many other girls out there waiting for you who could give you exactly what you're looking for, plus more. Value your time on this earth.

I've thought about ending the relationship for years. But then I go through stretches of time where she is so wonderful in other areas that I've been happy to know that I stayed. I typically am convinced that I need to leave her for one or two weeks, then i'll change my mind or convince myself that I love her too much and i'll regret it.

 

I guess, the reason I have't left is because I love her too much to hurt her.... I'd fear for her health and I don't know how she would cope. I feel like I'll regret the decision the next day....

 

I also haven't been in any other other relationships, so I don't know if it's normal for women not to want sex. I don't even know what is normal...

I can only speak for myself, but no, I wouldn't consider that normal.

The only time I was in a relationship and no longer wanted sex was when I was no longer in love with my then-boyfriend. I was emotionally already gone but hadn't yet found the courage to end it.

The last time I spoke with her seriously about my concerns, she admitted that she's never even looked online for advice or to do any type of research. When I told her that I thought it was pretty strange because I'm online for hours trying to seek advice, she said that she doesn't see it as such a big deal and that I don't understand that women don't think like men.

 

When she finds out i'm unhappy, she'll be super nice for a few days, maybe even give oral. But, it's all temporary... maybe a few days of this and then one or more months of virtually nothing. I will say, she is very stressed all of the time because of her work. She doesn't handle stress very well and I've always tried to convince myself that this is the issue and in a few years things will be different.

Whatever the source of her anxiety is, it's her work stress and her problem, and if she cared about you, she would think about ways to alleviate that stress so that your relationship could grow. It shouldn't be your responsibility for solving her issues, for convincing her to have sex with you, for thinking about ways to communicate that she has a problem.

It's sad that she uses oral sex this way. I mean, if she can do it, why doesn't she do it all the time? Is she really not attracted to you? Is she only nice to keep you from leaving, and not to make you happy in a relationship? I'll tell you, sexually healthy women would be happy to do it for their partner every now and then, also because it's such a rush to give pleasure to someone you love.

I was with a partner who had sexual problems for 8 years of our relationship. He talked about marriage, about having children, and even pressured me to it, while completely not bringing up the issue of how we would conceive that children when he's, sort of, incapable of doing it now. I didn't want to be trapped in a marriage with our problems, I wanted to solve them before that. After years of pretending the issue will solve itself, somehow, on its own, I got pissed off and I had "It looks like it's not working" conversation with him. Then he said, shyly, "you know... maybe in some time I could agree to go to a sexual therapist... but you would have to be the one to organize it...". And I thought, jesuschrist, why isn't HE the one to want to go to the doctor with a problem that's affecting his health? Why isn't HE the one to organize it? Why is he so passive? Why isn't he the kind of person who strives to solve problems in the relationship on his own? There are a lot of guys who are a problem solvers and if something was not working, they would start to work on that on their own. Why can't I be with one of them instead?

And I arrived with this system I'm gonna use in my future relationship: problems rarely disappear on their own. Every now and then we'll gonna discuss with my partner if there's something that makes us unhappy and needs improving. Then we're gonna prepare a plan how to solve the issue. Then in a while we'll have a talk how it's going, if we're satisfied with the improvement. If a problem won't get solved in a year, that means it's probably here to stay, FOREVER. And we can either accept it or not and break up. I will never again stay in a relationship where there are crucial problems that are not improving any bit in 8 YEARS. Cause it means it's not a good partnership, not a relationship that makes people happy and grow for each other.

The last time I spoke with her seriously about my concerns, she admitted that she's never even looked online for advice or to do any type of research. When I told her that I thought it was pretty strange because I'm online for hours trying to seek advice, she said that she doesn't see it as such a big deal and that I don't understand that women don't think like men.

 

When she finds out i'm unhappy, she'll be super nice for a few days, maybe even give oral. But, it's all temporary... maybe a few days of this and then one or more months of virtually nothing. I will say, she is very stressed all of the time because of her work. She doesn't handle stress very well and I've always tried to convince myself that this is the issue and in a few years things will be different.

Sorry, but you need to stop making excuses for her like it's religion or mental or whatever and face very simple reality - she has zero physical sex drive. Because she actually doesn't feel any physical urge and desire, she isn't going to be online looking for solutions. To her, she isn't broken. Basically, just like you can't understand her lack of desire, she can't understand your need and desire. Think of it this way - if you don't like broccoli, no amount of cajoling, trying different broccoli dishes is ever going to make you crave broccoli or go online researching how to get more broccoli. In fact, if broccoli became extinct, you wouldn't notice. Sex for her is like that. She feels no real need for it, she tries a little for your sake, but.....the desire just isn't there and won't be there no matter how long you stay with her. It's not something that can be fixed.

So, you need to decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life or walk away. Personally, I think that investing any more years of your life just because you've already wasted so many would be foolish on your part. You need to find someone who is more on your level and she needs to find a guy who is more or less as asexual as she is. Plenty out there for the both of you. Her issue is hardly unique.

Sorry, but you need to stop making excuses for her like it's religion or mental or whatever and face very simple reality - she has zero physical sex drive. Because she actually doesn't feel any physical urge and desire, she isn't going to be online looking for solutions. To her, she isn't broken. Basically, just like you can't understand her lack of desire, she can't understand your need and desire. Think of it this way - if you don't like broccoli, no amount of cajoling, trying different broccoli dishes is ever going to make you crave broccoli or go online researching how to get more broccoli. In fact, if broccoli became extinct, you wouldn't notice. Sex for her is like that. She feels no real need for it, she tries a little for your sake, but.....the desire just isn't there and won't be there no matter how long you stay with her. It's not something that can be fixed.

 

So, you need to decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life or walk away. Personally, I think that investing any more years of your life just because you've already wasted so many would be foolish on your part. You need to find someone who is more on your level and she needs to find a guy who is more or less as asexual as she is. Plenty out there for the both of you. Her issue is hardly unique.

She might be asexual, but that might not be the case. You know, there are women with no desire for their long term partner who suddenly have desire for someone on the vacations. Maybe the problem can't be fixed, maybe it can be, maybe it will take decades to fix itself, or with a change of partner, but she should be the one to fix it and taking responsibility for it. But I like your analysis that to her she isn't broken, so there's not much left to do.

Whatever the source of her anxiety is, it's her work stress and her problem, and if she cared about you, she would think about ways to alleviate that stress so that your relationship could grow. It shouldn't be your responsibility for solving her issues, for convincing her to have sex with you, for thinking about ways to communicate that she has a problem.

 

It's sad that she uses oral sex this way. I mean, if she can do it, why doesn't she do it all the time? Is she really not attracted to you? Is she only nice to keep you from leaving, and not to make you happy in a relationship? I'll tell you, sexually healthy women would be happy to do it for their partner every now and then, also because it's such a rush to give pleasure to someone you love.

 

I was with a partner who had sexual problems for 8 years of our relationship. He talked about marriage, about having children, and even pressured me to it, while completely not bringing up the issue of how we would conceive that children when he's, sort of, incapable of doing it now. I didn't want to be trapped in a marriage with our problems, I wanted to solve them before that. After years of pretending the issue will solve itself, somehow, on its own, I got pissed off and I had "It looks like it's not working" conversation with him. Then he said, shyly, "you know... maybe in some time I could agree to go to a sexual therapist... but you would have to be the one to organize it...". And I thought, jesuschrist, why isn't HE the one to want to go to the doctor with a problem that's affecting his health? Why isn't HE the one to organize it? Why is he so passive? Why isn't he the kind of person who strives to solve problems in the relationship on his own? There are a lot of guys who are a problem solvers and if something was not working, they would start to work on that on their own. Why can't I be with one of them instead?

 

And I arrived with this system I'm gonna use in my future relationship: problems rarely disappear on their own. Every now and then we'll gonna discuss with my partner if there's something that makes us unhappy and needs improving. Then we're gonna prepare a plan how to solve the issue. Then in a while we'll have a talk how it's going, if we're satisfied with the improvement. If a problem won't get solved in a year, that means it's probably here to stay, FOREVER. And we can either accept it or not and break up. I will never again stay in a relationship where there are crucial problems that are not improving any bit in 8 YEARS. Cause it means it's not a good partnership, not a relationship that makes people happy and grow for each other.

Thank you, that was indeed very similar to the thoughts that I'm having. How long did it take you to overcome everything afterwards, the thought of it all ending is so overwhelming.

Sorry, but you need to stop making excuses for her like it's religion or mental or whatever and face very simple reality - she has zero physical sex drive. Because she actually doesn't feel any physical urge and desire, she isn't going to be online looking for solutions. To her, she isn't broken. Basically, just like you can't understand her lack of desire, she can't understand your need and desire. Think of it this way - if you don't like broccoli, no amount of cajoling, trying different broccoli dishes is ever going to make you crave broccoli or go online researching how to get more broccoli. In fact, if broccoli became extinct, you wouldn't notice. Sex for her is like that. She feels no real need for it, she tries a little for your sake, but.....the desire just isn't there and won't be there no matter how long you stay with her. It's not something that can be fixed.

 

So, you need to decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life or walk away. Personally, I think that investing any more years of your life just because you've already wasted so many would be foolish on your part. You need to find someone who is more on your level and she needs to find a guy who is more or less as asexual as she is. Plenty out there for the both of you. Her issue is hardly unique.

Thank you, that was very helpful. I do find myself constantly looking for excuses to justify her actions, the real problem is my lack of courage to move on.

Im so sorry for you. I know how you feel, I'm on the other side of the coin. Our sex drives do not match either. I have found myself wondering if I could live like this forever, no... no I can't. Im almost 100% sure his is a low T issue, but he doesn't have insurance and wont go to the doc. He never has issues, its just I would like it much more often...

Anyway, just wanted to let you know there are other people out there in the same situation, or similar... Don't feel alone, and don't feel like its normal for women to not want sex. It's not!! If she is experiencing pain during sex, but its only when shes sober, then you know its not physical, (as you stated), but there is a real psychological reason. She can go to her doctor and seek help, but you can't do it for her. There are therapy's they can do to help women with this problem... She can be fixed if its medical or psychological... but she has to want to.

I can't give advise on how to muster the courage to move on, I'm terrible with that myself. All I can say is we have to learn to put ourselves first... and there are relationships out there that happen much easier. Without all the stress and worry. You just need to find your match. I don't think it is her, unless she decides to put actual effort into seeking a fix. The other posters are right though, she probably doesn't see it as an issue. You should have another talk with her, and express the severity of the situation. Best wishes!

Thank you, that was indeed very similar to the thoughts that I'm having. How long did it take you to overcome everything afterwards, the thought of it all ending is so overwhelming.

 

Thank you, that was very helpful. I do find myself constantly looking for excuses to justify her actions, the real problem is my lack of courage to move on.

In my case I had other, even more disheartening life incompatibilities, so that made it easier to make that choice and not feel guilty that I'm somehow egoistical or down-to-earth... It's hard to allow ourselves to be happy and put ourselves first. But at the end of the day, imagine your best friend having your dilemma - what you would advise him to do? If you'd want happiness for that friend, you should be just as kind to yourself.

The bugger when you break up with someone over sexual incompatibility is explaining to all of the family and friends why have you broken up with that wonderful person you wanted to spend your life with. If you say nothing, some of them might think you made this decision too quickly or unjustly. But they don't know a thing, cause they haven't been in that kind of situation. You can't tell your common friends things like "my ex couldn't get it up" or "my ex's penis was too big for me", especially if you want to stay friends with ex. In your case, it might be easier to explain in a respectful, non-specific way, so that's good. Just make sure you explained everything to her, how you feel, that it wasn't an easy decision, but you just have a different vision of a relationship from her vision.

Sometimes the hard part of breaking up with the person you've been for years with is second guessing, months after. Common questions people have include: Maybe it wasn't so big of a deal? Maybe the good times were worth the bad times? Will I never find someone as good as him/her? Well, in almost all cases, people fall in love just as much in a different person way sooner than they expected. Sometimes scarily soon. As for other questions, it's good to make yourself a list of your needs that you need to have fulfilled in your relationship, make a list of what wasn't working in this one, and take a look at it whenever you're second-guessing.

There are good part of break-ups, too. Normally, you'll find yourself having plenty of time for hobbies and friends, and you'll be surprised that you go to cinema as often as before, just with different people. Relief, enormous relief. Sexual loneliness, but also freedom to explore it. Feeling no guilt over masturbation and pornography. No guilt over thinking sexually about other people. Feeling comfort and self-respect. And remembering, sometimes, with a pinch of pain, that feeling when the person you loved disappointed you over and over, that hopelessness, powerlessness, frustration, feeling misunderstood and alone in the relationship, burdening guilt, that feeling that your mental health requires more, and you're not giving it to yourself, and it's destroying your inner self little by little. You remember this feeling and you twitch, and you want to write yourself a thank you note for moving on, cause it took so much courage, tears, pain and even being blamed by a few people. But it was worth it, because you're not suffering anymore. And then, some time later, you meet somebody and have just as much love, but not the destructive issues. And you want to write another thank you note to your past self, because if you'd have lingered in the unhappy relationship, you wouldn't have reached that happy place.

In my case I had other, even more disheartening life incompatibilities, so that made it easier to make that choice and not feel guilty that I'm somehow egoistical or down-to-earth... It's hard to allow ourselves to be happy and put ourselves first. But at the end of the day, imagine your best friend having your dilemma - what you would advise him to do? If you'd want happiness for that friend, you should be just as kind to yourself.

 

The bugger when you break up with someone over sexual incompatibility is explaining to all of the family and friends why have you broken up with that wonderful person you wanted to spend your life with. If you say nothing, some of them might think you made this decision too quickly or unjustly. But they don't know a thing, cause they haven't been in that kind of situation. You can't tell your common friends things like "my ex couldn't get it up" or "my ex's penis was too big for me", especially if you want to stay friends with ex. In your case, it might be easier to explain in a respectful, non-specific way, so that's good. Just make sure you explained everything to her, how you feel, that it wasn't an easy decision, but you just have a different vision of a relationship from her vision.

 

Sometimes the hard part of breaking up with the person you've been for years with is second guessing, months after. Common questions people have include: Maybe it wasn't so big of a deal? Maybe the good times were worth the bad times? Will I never find someone as good as him/her? Well, in almost all cases, people fall in love just as much in a different person way sooner than they expected. Sometimes scarily soon. As for other questions, it's good to make yourself a list of your needs that you need to have fulfilled in your relationship, make a list of what wasn't working in this one, and take a look at it whenever you're second-guessing.

 

There are good part of break-ups, too. Normally, you'll find yourself having plenty of time for hobbies and friends, and you'll be surprised that you go to cinema as often as before, just with different people. Relief, enormous relief. Sexual loneliness, but also freedom to explore it. Feeling no guilt over masturbation and pornography. No guilt over thinking sexually about other people. Feeling comfort and self-respect. And remembering, sometimes, with a pinch of pain, that feeling when the person you loved disappointed you over and over, that hopelessness, powerlessness, frustration, feeling misunderstood and alone in the relationship, burdening guilt, that feeling that your mental health requires more, and you're not giving it to yourself, and it's destroying your inner self little by little. You remember this feeling and you twitch, and you want to write yourself a thank you note for moving on, cause it took so much courage, tears, pain and even being blamed by a few people. But it was worth it, because you're not suffering anymore. And then, some time later, you meet somebody and have just as much love, but not the destructive issues. And you want to write another thank you note to your past self, because if you'd have lingered in the unhappy relationship, you wouldn't have reached that happy place.

wow, thank you so much for all of that.

Im so sorry for you. I know how you feel, I'm on the other side of the coin. Our sex drives do not match either. I have found myself wondering if I could live like this forever, no... no I can't. Im almost 100% sure his is a low T issue, but he doesn't have insurance and wont go to the doc. He never has issues, its just I would like it much more often...

Anyway, just wanted to let you know there are other people out there in the same situation, or similar... Don't feel alone, and don't feel like its normal for women to not want sex. It's not!! If she is experiencing pain during sex, but its only when shes sober, then you know its not physical, (as you stated), but there is a real psychological reason. She can go to her doctor and seek help, but you can't do it for her. There are therapy's they can do to help women with this problem... She can be fixed if its medical or psychological... but she has to want to.

I can't give advise on how to muster the courage to move on, I'm terrible with that myself. All I can say is we have to learn to put ourselves first... and there are relationships out there that happen much easier. Without all the stress and worry. You just need to find your match. I don't think it is her, unless she decides to put actual effort into seeking a fix. The other posters are right though, she probably doesn't see it as an issue. You should have another talk with her, and express the severity of the situation. Best wishes!

I'm sorry your dealing with similar issues. Thank you so much for your advice.

Nor did I say it would.

Hey ~ Perhaps talking to her about setting a date once she gets the help she needs would be an incentive to work through her issues with a therapist, Op.

The reason I said that she is very likely asexual is because as per the OP she doesn't seem to have ever had any desire for sex, not even helping herself, not even during puberty when hormones are raging. Hers weren't raging. One thing about nature is that it's more powerful than beliefs, religion, social sanctions, etc. When someone has drive, they have it. Her lack of drive is extreme and life long.

I've also known a couple of people who have a high sex drive, but were also raised super orthodox religious, no sex before marriage. It simply motivated them to get married quickly so that they could go at it so to speak. They were pretty outspoken about it with their close friends precisely because it was causing so much conflict, doubts, etc. Eventually, their solution of let's get married and get it on worked for them well. After all, they were otherwise equally yoked and well matched as well, including the sex drive and the desire for each other. Their biggest concerns were actually "are we getting married for the sex or for the right reasons?" Final answer - both.

Above aside, whoever asked you what your long term plans are was correct. Do you see yourself living celibate for the rest of your life? If not, you need to be honest and end things with her. By not breaking up, you are actually being pretty cruel and selfish because you are actively stopping her from finding the right partner, a future, marriage, children if she wants them, by keeping her in a stagnant relationship. You might have plenty of time for all that as a guy, but women have an expiration date, so don't forget that.