Help! I think I'm in love with a guy who's just isn't ready for a relationship

Ok so this is a long and rather stupid story on my part. To put this in context I'm a average 23 years old but until 9 months ago had never dated in my life! Now this is most due to a lack in self confidence but I'm now much more outgoing and am ready for a relationship... the only problem is the guy I'm pretty certain I've fallen for is seriously confusing and I'm not sure he feels the same way or will ever be ready for a relationship.

It all started when I signed up to online dating and believe me this is something I never though I'd do. But anyways, the first guy I started to talk to basically just messed me about for 4 months and it turned out he wasn't even interested in me. And then I started talking to this guy (the one I think I'm in love with) but at first we were just talking as friends because at the time I was dating someone else and also he lived quite far away..... skip a few months, a couple of disasterous dates all the while still talking to this guy and we finally decided to meet up. Now by this point I knew almost everything about him and vice versa... the date went well and for the next month we were actually calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend even though we'd only met a couple of time.

At this time I was also applying to universities and go accepted onto my ideal course that would also mean I would be living significantly closer to him. Anyways, I was in the area and he'd offered that I could stay at his since I need to be there for a few days to sort stuff out so of course I was delighted and said yes. However unbenosed to me was the fact that at the time he was going through some tough stuff family and work related and was a suffer of anxiety. Well we went out for a meal and I stayed the night but he just wasn't himself and the next day after I left I got a message from him saying he wasn't ready for a relationship and that ended things between us and for over 2 months we didn't speak.

Now this had really upset me because it was so unexpected and his reasonings weren't justified in my opinion... but skip 2 months and I was now living in the are so though I'd just see how he was doing. Long story short we talked for a few weeks and decided to meet up again. Well I turned up on time (to his house) but he wasn't even there and after 30mins of waiting I decided to try contacting him on messenger only to find he'd deleted his account so I had no way of contacting him. At this point I was actually worried about him since we're were on good term again and so I messaged his sister to check he was alright. Turns out he was using her house to hide in and so I went there with the sister to confront him. Initial he pretended he didn't know who I was but that didn't last and it ended with him telling me he never wanted to see or speak to me again. Obviously I was really upset because this just came out of nowhere but in a way it was kind of the closure I needed so I accepted it.

Then 3 days later he messages me saying he really regrets pushing me away and asks if I will come over so he can explain everything. Well I said yes because for some reason I just can't stay mad at him even when I know I should be furious and he told me all about why he did it and turns out it was to do with his last girlfriend who cheated on him.

Ever since then we've been talking again but although he says he does like me and wants to take things slow I get the feeling he really isn't that bothered and makes little to no effort to see me.

Please can someone help me because I really do like him but my emotions are so conflicted and although there's nothing I'd like more than to be in a relationship with him I'm beginning to feel that'll never happen 😥

You really do like a guy that is so screwed up and immature that he invites you over only to go hide at his sister's home? A guy that you know NOTHING about except what he's told you? A guy that you have no way of reaching except through messenger?

Girl... get rid of this flake and clear your thoughts of him so that you can find someone who isn't nuts, immature, a flake, rude and insensitive to what his actions caused you emotionally. You don't keep men (or anyone) in your life that doesn't show you he has basic care and value for you.

Thanks, yea that's the general opinion I get from family and friends but I just can't seem to stay mad at him for long because whenever he does message me it's like that's all forgotten. He's actually really nice when he wants to be and he really has opened up to me about a lot of really person stuff... I guess part of the problem is that I do want to help mphim overcome his anxiety since I do believe he deserves to be happy. But it's costing me my happiness and sanity somewhat so I just don't know what to do...

Thanks, yea that's the general opinion I get from family and friends but I just can't seem to stay mad at him for long because whenever he does message me it's like that's all forgotten. He's actually really nice when he wants to be and he really has opened up to me about a lot of really person stuff... I guess part of the problem is that I do want to help mphim overcome his anxiety since I do believe he deserves to be happy. But it's costing me my happiness and sanity somewhat so I just don't know what to do...

Dear... you CANNOT help to overcome his anxiety. He needs a therapist and meds for that. Stop wasting your time on him. You are setting yourself up to be played for goodness sakes. Don't waste your good dating years on flakes... there are guys on line that are not filled with ex baggage that you'd be better off getting to know IN PERSON so don't waste all your time online typing to one another... that is no way to get to know someone for real.

OMG, I am getting so sick of posting about this; he is a bona-fide "commitment-phobe" (google it), worst case!

In fact, he is so phobic he can't even manage to commit to a freakin date, a date that HE made and/or agreed to, and instead goes hiding at his sister's house to avoid you? Then denies knowing you? What the *!

Then after you leave and he gets his "space" he starts missing you and starts this whole mess all over again!

Typical fight or flight and he chose FLIGHT, worst case. Akin to taking flight from a raging bear tearing after you. Same feeling, sheer panic. Which is why he went hiding at his sister's house and denied knowing you, good gawd.

You're right, it's his anxiety/fears, which peak right before the date; he panics and bolts.

After you're gone, the anxiety subsides and he starts missing you, and he comes after you again, charming as ever, all forgotten like nothing happened.

You CANNOT help this guy, he needs serious serious therapy.

If you choose to stick around for more of this lunacy, you will go literally crazy..

I know a woman who went through this same **** with a guy for SEVEN years, it nearly destroyed her emotionally.

She can't even date now, sadly. The situation has scarred her for life and I am not even exaggerating.

The really sad part is that she claims to still be in love with him and said if he returned (it's been years since it ended for good - he ghosted and never returned ), she'd take him back again!

This goes way WAY beyond him "not ready to be in a relationship." He is very very troubled and again sorry to say you cannot help him. Only a qualified therapist can and commitment fears/issues this severe take years to resolve, if ever.

Get away now!

Thanks, I guess I already know this is what I have to do and although my brain 100% agrees with you and I know I need to leave before it destroys me... it's just hard because I have fallen for him and almost feel responsible for helping him which I realise is stupid. Guess I just need to work up the courage to say something sooner rather than later before I end up in a situation I can't get out of and the cycle of hurt and emotional abuse continues.

Thanks, I guess I already know this is what I have to do and although my brain 100% agrees with you and I know I need to leave before it destroys me... it's just hard because I have fallen for him and almost feel responsible for helping him which I realise is stupid. Guess I just need to work up the courage to say something sooner rather than later before I end up in a situation I can't get out of and the cycle of hurt and emotional abuse continues.

This ^^^^

After your brief interaction with him and how he's acted, you must do what your brain is telling you to do.

Jayne, you sound like a lovely caring person, but you are not responsible for him.

Although he's not behaving like it, he is a grown man, responsible for himself, and resolving his own issues.

He has to know something isn't right, let him get his own help.

It is still early stages, please get out now before you become even more invested.

Also, this is going to hurt to hear, but I don't think he cares about you, or respects you.

His behavior toward you is very insensitive, selfish and cruel.

It's one thing to have anxieties and fears, I can empathize.

But what he's doing (hiding at sister's house, denying knowing you, then returning like nothing happened), that just goes way beyond the pale, and indicates he has absolutely no regard for you or your feelings, or how his dysfunctional behavior affects you.

He just doesn't give a ****.

Once you realize this, hopefully this will make it easier to walk away for good.

Best of luck.

This may be the minority opinion, but he is not interested in being w/you. I have had guys say this to me and every single time the guy just didn't want to be w/me. Do not play in this cat and mouse game, though very tempting to try to change his mind (you actually can't). When dating these types of interactions caused more hurt then someone coming out and rejecting me. Not worth the time or heartache. Walk away and never look back for your own sanity. He will play push and pull w/you once you back away, but he will never be interested in you. When a man wants you, nothing will stop him.

Hi, yea I think you're definitely right in that if a man truly wants to be with you then he will make his intentions clear and actually try to win you. This guy, as much as I hate to admit has never been the one to take the indicative and ask me out. I really just need to find the courage to end things....

but is it Ok that I still want to stay friends? I really can't imagine cutting him out of my life completely, I know too much about him and although he may not 'like' me that way I do like him as a person....

Hi, yea I think you're definitely right in that if a man truly wants to be with you then he will make his intentions clear and actually try to win you. This guy, as much as I hate to admit has never been the one to take the indicative and ask me out. I really just need to find the courage to end things....

but is it Ok that I still want to stay friends? I really can't imagine cutting him out of my life completely, I know too much about him and although he may not 'like' me that way I do like him as a person....

You can stay friends w/him, though I personally wouldn't esp if he is a guy I would want to date. If you can stay strictly platonic, not hope to date him, then go ahead and be friends, if you can't I don't suggest going that route. Good luck and you will find someone who will want to date you.

Nope. Staying his friend is just an excuse to stay in his life. You want to find the courage to leave, find it and stay gone. Don't prolong your agony

 

but is it Ok that I still want to stay friends? I really can't imagine cutting him out of my life completely, I know too much about him and although he may not 'like' me that way I do like him as a person....

I'm wondering why you would even want him as a "friend." Do you think he would make a good friend?

A man who makes a date with you, then on the day of the date, hides at his sister's to avoid you?

And then when you chase him down at his sister's, denies knowing you?

And then returns and acts like nothing happened?

What kind of "friend" is that?

And what makes you think he wouldn't do the same thing next time you have plans? Even as a "friend."

Anxiety or no anxiety, this man is so totally unreliable and dysfunctional, lacking in character and integrity, how could you ever trust him?

What a waste of time and energy; I would rather have NO friends than a friend like that.

Aim higher Jayne, in ALL your relationships, both in your dating relationships and friendships.

Initial he pretended he didn't know who I was but that didn't last and it ended with him telling me he never wanted to see or speak to me again.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

NOT friend material.

NOT relationship material.

he told me all about why he did it and turns out it was to do with his last girlfriend who cheated on him.

No. This is a lie. His ex-girlfriend definitely did not make him do it. He did it because that is what he wanted to do.

Please can someone help me because I really do like him but my emotions are so conflicted and although there's nothing I'd like more than to be in a relationship with him I'm beginning to feel that'll never happen 😥

Your emotions are conflicted because you're acting outside of your own self-interest.

There are much better men out there. Hold out for one of them!!