My girlfriend feels I betrayed her trust, I don't know how to fix it.

To get right to it, I'm 30 and my girlfriend is 35 and we've been together a year. I met her a while after my last relationship ended which lasted 7 years, where I was cheated on and didnt find out for 2 years.

We both have some mental health issues, she has BPD and PTSD, and has had two extremely abusive relationships back to back, one of which ended two years before I met. She also has a kid that doesnt live with her as a result of the 2nd relationship and whom lives with her mother. I have high functioning depression and anxiety and the relationship has a distance issue, about an hour and a half away on a train but we manage to see each other at least once a week, sometimes twice.

 

When we initially got together she opened up about her abuse and what she'd been through, and her parts and mistakes in relationships too. I was a bit vague about my past initially, probably not quite ready to 100% open up which I struggle with anyway, but I told her about why my last relationship ended. The first few weeks were pretty amazing, I knew it wasn't a rebound from my previous relationship and I still know that. She told me about some of her male friends in relationships 'liking' pictures of girls on facebook, and said it would upset her if I did that and I said I wouldn't, which I then went and did 3 weeks into the relationship. I 'liked' two pics of my female friends, one was a fairly standard selfie and the other was a professionally done portrait pic of an artist friend. Neither were sexual at all, and I certainly wasn't interested in either of them like that anyway. In the time after my previous relationship ended I had got a little sucked into the attention seeking nonsense of social media and wasnt as aware of the impact it can have in relationships as I'd only really used it for music/art purposes anymore. That is more the less the only excuse I have for going back on my word on that, it's clearly disrespectful to her feelings entirely and I have no real explanation for it other than being sucked into all that social media nonsense.

She feels she was completely betrayed and recently told me she classes this as cheating. I've spent a year trying to make up for it, the stress of this has really dragged us both through the considering we both have problems anyway and its been more or less a nightmare. She says that Im a liar and a fake and that I was pretending to be something I wasn't, which is truly not the case. When things are good, it really seems we can get past this but shortly it just reverts to toxicity. She's incredibly possessive and controlling too because of this and will often insult me when she's upset.

 

One of the things that I think affects this is her BDP, which I hate bringing up but people who suffer with BPD see things in black snd white and often have low emotional intelligence, often like that of a teenager. I have some experience of it as my best friends ex partner had BPD, and the relationship literally nearly killed him.

 

My feeling on what happened is that we rushed in when I wasnt ready to truly consider her feelings, I instantly liked her so much that I couldn't listen to my head and just went for it, but was selfish and unfair. It was a total up and I am completely responsible for my actions. She sees it as a total betrayal, it killed her self confidence completely and made her feel ugly and unwanted.

I love her so much, I really do and would do anything to make it work. I have basically no friends now, pretty much stopped doing music and art which is essentially my therapy and I am going completely to and have started self harming again for the first time in 10years. Nothing bad so far, just raking my nails across my arms but its a slippery slope. She is always stressed and ill, always talking about how ugly she is (she is literally ing perfect!!), feels worthless. I know this isnt all to do with me, but I've thrown petrol on that fire.

 

There are serious positives about us, she was the first person I opened up to about being abused by an older boy when I was 7 or so. We have an amazing sex life, we're usually so comfortable around each other, have a lot of fun together when things are good, can talk for a long time and have interesting conversations and are deeply in love.

 

I genuinely have no idea what to do and things are worse than ever right now. Never been in a position like this!

If you have been driven into the pits of despair and thinking of self harm this is not love . She’s using you as an emotional punching bag . Just because you love somebody doesn’t mean they are the right person for you . Unless she’s engaged in therapy for her mental illnesses I would suggest VERY strongly not to continue this relationship . Love doesn’t make emotional abuse OK . Mental illness doesn’t make emotional abuse OK .

 

Look up white knight syndrome . You cannot rescue her she has to rescue herself . And this is coming from somebody who has mental illness .

Love is not that be all and end all of a relationship. You can love someone to absolute death, but it can still be the greatest most toxic relationship in the world. And if you have turned your back on everything, including those things that make you you, then this relationship is toxic.

 

Sure, when it is good it is good, that could be said about many things. But when it is bad, you end up going on a self-destructive spree until it gets better again.

 

I wouldn't stay in this relationship. She is holding against you to clicks of a mouse that she claims in cheating. Sure, we can only trust in what you have said as the intent, but to go so far as to call it cheating is pushing it a bit far, and still not being over it after a year? You are losing yourself to this woman, and the only way to get back to being you is to be rid of her.

Given her mental state and issues maybe she is not the person for you. Calling "liking" a couple of facebook photos cheating is over the top. I think she could use some therapy and if you are feeling so badly about this then perhaps you could use some therapy too.

This is a very unhealthy relationship.

 

As the others have said, you cannot fix her. My ex-boyfriend is diagnosed BPD and I very much identify with what you are saying about your girlfriend's behaviour. It's an intense emotional roller coaster and it can be extremely addictive but equally destructive for the partner of the BPD-sufferer. Unfortunately, it is unlikely to change. She needs sustained, intensive and long-term professional treatment. Love is nowhere near enough to make this work.

 

I would end this now. It's not going well and you yourself have your own emotional health to attend to. She is not the partner for you, OP.

Thank you for the advice!

 

Just want to add that I dont want/feel like I can fix her, totally aware that I can't thats her job. And that she has been in therapy again for the last month or so.

OK ,but it’s going to be many many many years before she’s probably ready for a relationship . And in the meantime she’s going to continue to use you as her punching bag . How long do you want to do that ? My father has borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Thankfully now my mother left him almost 27 years ago . And being with him almost took her life . That and other circumstances left me with PTSD . It left my brother open to being with an abusive wife for 20 years . The choices that people make reverberate through generations . And even though you might not have kids why bother destroying yourself ???? Ask yourself why you don’t feel worthy enough .

When things are good, it really seems we can get past this but shortly it just reverts to toxicity.

This is the nature of a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder. By continuing on in this relationship you are making your PTSD exacerbated. Get away from her and do that with the help of your therapist. Surely you are seeing one to help you overcome your own issues and disorders?

 

There is a forum for people that have become meshed into the life of a BPD. Here is the link, I hope it helps you.\\

 

 

 

She will drag you down further and further if you allow it.

Love is not that be all and end all of a relationship. You can love someone to absolute death, but it can still be the greatest most toxic relationship in the world. And if you have turned your back on everything, including those things that make you you, then this relationship is toxic.

 

Sure, when it is good it is good, that could be said about many things. But when it is bad, you end up going on a self-destructive spree until it gets better again.

 

I wouldn't stay in this relationship. She is holding against you to clicks of a mouse that she claims in cheating. Sure, we can only trust in what you have said as the intent, but to go so far as to call it cheating is pushing it a bit far, and still not being over it after a year? You are losing yourself to this woman, and the only way to get back to being you is to be rid of her.

 

A lot of truths right there ^^^^

Thank you all for the advice.

 

It's a really hard situation, because she told me how much that would upset her. On the outside it sounds insignificant and kind if juvenile, but she told me it would really upset her if I 'liked' pictures of female friends and I went and did that early on, which I understand is totally disrespectful but I feel really guilty for it hurting her so much. She says she feels disgusting and ugly and it makes her want to die, which makes me wish I didn't exist.

She's been abused and hurt a lot before, as have I of course. I hate making anything about her BPD but people with that put people go between idealising and devaluing people really rapidly. It's hard to tell if I what I did is really as bad as it is, i.e. cheating in her eyes, or it's just a bit of a move and disrespectful.

I am sometimes selfish and inconsiderate, probably moreso than most and I'm generally aware of my own toxicity and try to manage it, but when I've done something wrong I genuinely think I do anything to make up for it and put it right.

It's got real bad the last couple of days and she's told me essentially I should suffer and I don't deserve to be happy and should pay for this forever.

I hope I'm not coming off as trying to sound like the good guy and her out to be the villain because I know even though it seems like a miniscule action, it's really hurt her.

I don't know whether I should pay for this continually? I'm really at a loss. I don't think this is all me, because she says I don't love her whilst not long ago she was telling me she was lucky to have me, even long after this happened. I know she's not deliberately ing me around but I'm really just exhausted and have no idea now.

LEAVE!! That is your answer . The fact that you should pay eternally and diebecause you “liked “ a picture is so insane it’s unbelievable . You are not responsible for her mental illnesses . PLEASE LEAVE!