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Thread: 8 years of uncertainty...

  1. #11
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Posts
    6
    Imagine this; You go out on a date with your girlfriend, she opens a box with a ring, and asks you to marry her. Do you say no? If you say no the answer is to end the relationship now, because realistically it would end if you said no. Do you say yes? If you do say yes, do you have any regrets a month later?, how about a year later? where do you see yourself in a year? how about two years? five? It seems to me as if you are procrastinating your relationship and this is very normal. Procrastination derives from uncertainty regarding large decisions. Break this decision down into small steps.
    Step 1; Make friends. This is not too hard, think of someone you know from work, school, or life in general. Even if you haven't talked to them in a while. Text or call them, ask to meet up/ go out to a bar for drinks or even grab some coffee. Say something along the lines of "its been a while" or "we should catch up". Let your mind escape this thought
    Step 2; go back home to your girlfriend. Make plans with her and don't let this tension get to you. Be positive and happy around her, have fun together
    Step 3; recollect your thoughts. Evaluate how you felt during your time out with a friend (or family member!), and how you felt with your girlfriend
    step 4; Imagine that you are married to her already. Convince yourself for short periods of time with her that you are already committed to each other. Evaluate how you feel and if you like this thought or not.
    Step 5; realize that marriage is just a word, and that no real change happens. There is no magic, your girlfriend does not become a different person as your "wife". Remember that this decision is simply to mark that you and her are a couple, being loyal to one another (which you guys already are!)
    Step 6; make the move. To propose or not to propose? up to you.
    I feel that maybe you are scared of what she expects from your proposal, maybe you fear the process; selecting the right ring and having a huge wedding. Remember that your wife will appreciate any proposal (trust me from a girls point of view, in the moment you don't think about how much the ring cost or what it looks like because you are in shock), and remember that a huge ceremony is not even necessary, and that you and your girlfriend will have plenty of time to figure things through after.

    To me it seems like you want to be with her, you want your future to be with her, in a nice house, with your pets. Its that simple.

  2. #12
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    Join Date
    Dec 2017
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    6
    dude.. if you don't marry this girl, someone else will. Someday she's gonna realize that you're just stringing her along and it's not fair. I get that you love her, but if you really love her deeply with your whole heart and not just out of pity, then give her what she wants and just marry her already. She will be happier and in return your relationship and your life will be happier that way.

  3. 07-24-2019, 11:36 AM

  4. #13
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    348
    Originally Posted by RyanMatrix
    Hi there.

    This is my first time posting here, and first time ever talking to an audience about myself in regards to my commitment issue. This is a long post so I understand if you aren't able to take the time read it. But for those of you who have time to help, thank you very much.

    My girlfriend and I have been together for the last 8 years and living together for the last 5. In this time, she has made it clear to me that she wants to marry me. I have not yet asked her to marry me, and I now become very uncomfortable whenever the subject comes up. Tonight, she left with our dog to go spend the evening at her parents without me, something she has only done once before when she was really upset. I am at a loss of what to do at this point, which is why I am posting on this forum. I basically have nobody else that I am comfortable enough to talk to, but I need advice and insight badly.

    The backstory...

    I am in a current relationship with my girlfriend of 8 years. Our relationship started a few years out of high school, where we were friends since the 10th grade. Soon after high school, we became best friends. She was such a wonderfully sweet and empathetic friend. About a year before our relationship grew into more than just a friendship, I moved from NH and went to school in AZ for motorcycle mechanics. She was so devastated when I left. It felt good to be missed so much. About 4 months into my schooling, I was involved in a serious motorcycle accident. I shattered my pelvis and sustained other less threatening injuries. I don't remember the crash. I was in ICU for at least a few days, and stayed at an inpatient physical rehab center for almost a month. I was lucky to be alive. Then, I decided to fly back home to be with my family and friends who missed me very much (and I missed them just as much). So, after I was starting to feel better and could walk again, me and my future girlfriend started hanging out a lot more. I got a job as a pizza delivery boy, and eventually got into smoking pot. She helped me through this pot smoking phase until I finally came out of it about a year later, realizing what harm I was doing to myself and the ones who I loved. She was the only one of my friends who didn't abandon me during this time. She was and still is an amazing friend; the only true one I have left. This was about the same time we became more than just friends...

    She and I started discussing how close we had become over the last few months, and she had made it clear how she felt for me. She had never felt this way about anybody else, even though she had been in a serious relationship a couple years back. She wanted to be more than just friends, and I agreed. So, we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend in 2011. Notice, how I did not seem overly excited about becoming her boyfriend? She basically had convinced me to give it a shot with her. Maybe this was the start of my commitment issue? I am not sure. She sometimes wonders, upon reflection, if she possibly made a mistake back then.

    In 2011, we were still living separately and with our parents. We would try to see each other whenever we could, and usually Saturdays we would spend all day together. We loved to go out and drive anywhere and explore. Since we lived with our parents, we didn't have many chances to be intimate. So sometimes we would stay out til dark and find a secluded place to have sex in the car, or sometimes rented a room at a hotel. We had great times together for those years. We loved each other very much. Some more time went by and as we were growing up, we wanted to get a place together. So, we combined bank accounts and saved up some money. About 5 years ago, we moved into our first apartment. She admitted later (about 1.5 years after living together) that she really had thought that I was committed to her because we had decided to move in together. I felt horrible about this and felt like I had let her down. This is when the guilt started. As time went on, she would bring up commitment every so often, and every time she was looking for some kind of answer, or decision, from me. I felt like I could never give her a straight answer. I didn't want to say no (because I thought that it could happen someday), and I did't want to say yes (because it wasn't true at the time). I always leaned more on the 'maybe'. This cycle has continued over the years. It has become increasingly straining on our relationship. I feel like it's always in the back of our minds now. We have become a lot less intimate over the past couple years. Like I said before, tonight is the second time she left to go see her parents without me (and we are almost always together when we aren't working). About 2 years ago, we even tried temporarily separating for a work week. Basically, I stayed at the apartment and she stayed at her sister's house. She came to the apartment during the day when I was working to see the animals, but we did not see each other in person for that whole week. The result was that we missed each other very much, and were optimistic to work on our relationship with the goal of becoming committed to one another (well, mostly I had to work on my decision). We haven't really gotten anywhere with it. Instead, we have dealt with more of the same cycle, up and down emotions, lessening intimacy, and constant underlying strain on our relationship. After that break, we also adopted the sweetest dog in the world, and (it's gonna sound crazy) have been pursuing buying a house together (we are sick of apartments).

    Every time we get on the subject of the status of my commitment, I get very quiet and reserved, and feel so indecisive and get this feeling of internal pain (most likely caused from anxiety). I never know what to say. I don't want to make her any promises, because I am afraid to let her down. I also don't want to outright say no, because I don't want to lose her. I do love her very much, but I feel like I have caused this women so much pain, confusion, and stress. I feel more and more down on myself because of my inability to give her an answer.

    I really don't know exactly what's wrong with me. But I do know that I have fear and anxiety issues, not just with commitment, but with life in general. I haven't had close friends in years. I have nobody that I go hang out with, no guy friends, or girl friends (besides her of course). I feel pathetic. I hate myself for doing what I am doing to this sweet, beautiful, caring, loving women. I feel like she doesn't deserve this pain. She wants to spend the rest of her life with me, but I can never return the feeling to her because I am never 'sure' about it. I love her so much, though, and I don't want to lose her. I have never had any desire to leave her either. I want to be with her. I just don't want her and I to have this kind of pain. I am at a loss. Maybe this problem stems from my parents... They are no longer happy together, and haven't been for years. They've been married 24 years now, but haven't been happy for over 14 years.

    Please help me! I love her so much. I want to get married someday (there's that damned word again), I just don't know when. All I do know, married or not, is that I want to be with her still... and just for us to be happy together. Maybe this is possible, maybe it is not. *Sigh* Thank you all so much.
    Personally, I wouldn't even think about moving in with someone if I weren't committed. And don't even think about buying a house unless you are TOTALLY committed!

    That part in bold? Just tell her that. And be truthful about it.

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