Girlfriend unable to forgive old fling

Not wanting to beat around the bush, I have been with my girlfriend for 4 months. We have been in a long-term relationship for 3 of those. Around 2 months into our relationship, I admitted to her that I had, some months before we were together, kissed one of my friends in a club. It was a one-off thing, but I had previously answered 'no' when she had asked if I had got with any of my close friends (as she is an insecure type I was of the mindset 'what she doesn't know can't hurt her'), but eventually felt the need to be honest. I understand that in this respect, I have lied to her.

However that was around 2 months ago, and the situation is worse than ever. Feeling helpless, as she is so far away (while I live next door to this girl I once kissed), she is extremely upset about it. She has told me she doesn't want me to speak to her, which I accepted and have not done so. However now she is telling me that she is still upset because I was not forceful and rude enough with this girl while I told her we could not speak. She wants to say some really nasty things to this girl in order to feel better about the situation. While I of course realise that this is not appropriate, she is extremely mentally unstable right now and I am making every effort to make her feel better, regardless of whether what she wants is justified.

So what is my course of action here? Do I really go and speak to this girl, who is a friend, and tell her some horrible things about herself (she has previously slept around and that is the essence of what she wants me to say)? Do I go to this friend and ask her to 'play along', asking her to understand that my girlfriend needs to think this conversation has happened? Or do I hold fast, and refuse to have this conversation, which I know is slowly driving her down a downward spiral? (From her point of view, she cannot understand why I am at all being considerate of a person that has made her feel this way, whereas I believe for the most part she has made herself feel this way and another person does not deserve abuse because of it).

The only interaction the two have had was at a party, where my friend was cold and virtually ignored my girlfriend - but not nearly enough to spark this kind of vitriolic hatred.

Any help appreciated!

She if being ridiculous for goodness sakes. Consider her behaviour to be the red flag it is and be warned that this is just the tip of the crazy iceburg. Her over-the-top jealousy will only get worse particularly because now she doesn't trust you and you are too far away for her to feel in control of.

she is extremely mentally unstable right now and I am making every effort to make her feel better, regardless of whether what she wants is justified.

She wants to say some really nasty things to this girl in order to feel better about the situation.

Get away from her for goodness sakes. Don't take her behaviour lightly.

Why are you staying with her?

You kissed a friend before you were even together with her! So what.

Her jealousy is extreme. Anyone who asks you to give friends up for them

is manipulative, controlling, and not worth an ounce of your time.

A huge part of me knows that of course you are right, and that I keep trying to justify her behaviour to myself because I believe that deep down the girl I fell in love with is down there, and the jealousy is a result of massive insecurity which can eventually be overcome.

Not only that, but I feel as though everyone else has given up on her, and I am helping her through a very difficult time seemingly on my own. I really don't know what she'd do if I was to leave.

How does one go about leaving someone like that?

(Apologies for my naivety. It's my first proper relationship. The phrase 'in at the deep end' comes to mind'.)

Many thanks!

Not only that, but I feel as though everyone else has given up on her, and I am helping her through a very difficult time seemingly on my own. I really don't know what she'd do if I was to leave.

You are not responsible for fixing her or for what she does after you break up with her. If you are concerned about her mental health and what she might do then contact her parents or someone that she considers to be a good friend where she is and have them check in on her. If she threatens to harm herself or anyone else then you can have her committed if need be. Once you break it off with her don't prolong her healing by being there in white knightdom for her. Give her the gift of zero contact so that she can rehab from the habit of having you in her life.

BTW: It's only been four months... end it now before it's four years and you're a shell of your former self and she drags you down to her level before you'd ever be able to bring her up to yours.

If you were my son I'd be anxiety ridden that you were attaching yourself to someone with the immaturity and over-the-top possessiveness that she is displaying in such a short period of time.

A huge part of me knows that of course you are right, and that I keep trying to justify her behaviour to myself because I believe that deep down the girl I fell in love with is down there, and the jealousy is a result of massive insecurity which can eventually be overcome.

 

Not only that, but I feel as though everyone else has given up on her, and I am helping her through a very difficult time seemingly on my own. I really don't know what she'd do if I was to leave.

 

How does one go about leaving someone like that?

 

(Apologies for my naivety. It's my first proper relationship. The phrase 'in at the deep end' comes to mind'.)

 

Many thanks!

This is a very unhealthy mindset in a relationship, and will only enable her poor behaviour and insecurity. You cannot fix her insecurity; only she can. You are actually making it even worse by pandering to her. If everyone else has left her, why do you think that is? Who is the common denominator? She is. Her controlling and manipulative behaviour turns people off. Of course they left, if she treated them as craptastically as she treats you.

Speaking from expeirence having dated someone very similar, it is going to get a lot worse. Stick around at your own risk.

Thanks very much for your help. I like to think I have always remained aware of the fact that something is not right, although maybe I have convinced myself it is only temporary, when it may be something much more permanent.

Maybe this is too tough a question to ask, but how would you go about ending it? She is in Australia, I am in the UK.

Tell her that you're in love with the girl next door. O.o (kidding)

Just tell her that the distance is something that you thought you could handle but its not and that it's best that the two of you go your separate ways so that you can be free in heart and mind to find someone close enough to nurture the relationship. Don't let her try to negotiate herself back into your life. Give her the gift of zero contact so that she can move past it.

BTW: It's only been four months... end it now before it's four years and you're a shell of your former self and she drags you down to her level before you'd ever be able to bring her up to yours.

 

If you were my son I'd be anxiety ridden that you were attaching yourself to someone with the immaturity and over-the-top possessiveness that she is displaying in such a short period of time.

This ^^^^^ that's an awful lot of fuss and nonsense over a kiss! The girl has issues of some sort and you are not going to be able to help her and I doubt you are qualified to help her anyway. Since you are thousands of miles apart, tell her it's over, the distance is too much, and that you are moving on and wish her well.

Refuse to play in to the insecure game.

Next time she complains about your past:

"Get a grip, we kissed once when you and I weren't together, and I'm not even talking to the girl anymore *for your sake.* What's the issue here?"