I feel guilty for wanting a little more attention?

I feel terrible as I know my bf is working very hard and I hate asking him for more attention. The situation hit a breaking point a couple weeks ago, he said he would try harder,now the situation is the very same. We see each other over the weekend and everything is good. During the week, I’m the one initiating texts, if I don’t send a good morning text, I get a text after 12pm. At night if I don’t send a good night text, I don’t get one at all until the next day (could be the morning, usually later in the day).

He told he was afraid to lose me due to his schedule and I told him he wouldn’t. Am I being to anxious? He tells me how much I mean to him, that he loves me and never wants to lose me. Its very hard for me to believe that when he forgets to text me, esp before bedtime. I don’t want work to be an excuse to neglect me. The most frustrating thing is he reads some of my messages and sometimes doesn’t even reply. Advice? I’m just getting kinda tired being the only one initiating 90% of the time, makes it seem like I’m the only one wanting to keep in touch.

He says he doesn't want to lose you, yet does nothing to prove that. Is he the one that makes you feel guilty? Are there any other situations he makes you feel bad of?

How long have you two been a couple?

Everybody is different as is every relationship. Some people have a need for that constant contact, romantisied morning and even messages, love notes, constant reminders of love etc. Then there are people that don't need, or even want, those things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either of these views until they come together when one is getting too much while the other isn't getting enough.

It becomes difficult in this situation as to what compromised you can make. Should he just give in and provide for your needs or should you just expect less? It seems both should compromise, but that is difficult.

There's a book out there called The Five Love Languages, where this is a central theme, finding how your partner shows and expects love and working with that.

Actions, not words are what is important.

He knows how you feel, he continues to do it.

Maybe he really is busy, maybe he's losing interest, maybe there's someone else.

Maybe he just isn't really into texting.

I would back off of him a bit, go about your life being busy with other things.

As I see it, you have two basic choices here:

1.) Stay in this relationship and accept that it may not provide you with the level of attention that you want.

2.) Leave the relationship and try to find a more attentive boyfriend.

There isn't a right or wrong answer there. You'll need to run your own cost/benefit here and decide whether there is enough good otherwise to accept things as is. If you choose the first option you'll keep running it as either your resentment builds or you learn to recognize what HE does do for you and decide it is enough.

There is a third option: stay and keep asking for what you want. Now, I believe in trying to work things out before you write someone off. If your needs aren't being met it's only fair to give the other person a chance to meet them. However you've already asked once. You can ask a second time, but at some point asking turns into nagging and then harping. Staying in a relationship is tacit approval of your partner and an acknowledgement that your needs are being met.

Having needs doesn't make you wrong. Your boyfriend not being able to meet them the way you want doesn't make HIM wrong. It just potentially makes you two incompatible.

He's sending you texts every day... And if you don't send a text in the morning, he sends one in the early afternoon?

And you're complaining? I feel there is a deeper issue here. You need to work on yourself so that you can survive without someone else's 24/7 attention. Pick up a hobby, go to the gym, hang out with the friends you've been neglecting, etc.

Since your bf is working so much, I assume you're probably both young adults?

Maybe it's time to talk about moving in together??

As I see it, you have two basic choices here:

 

1.) Stay in this relationship and accept that it may not provide you with the level of attention that you want.

 

2.) Leave the relationship and try to find a more attentive boyfriend.

 

There isn't a right or wrong answer there. You'll need to run your own cost/benefit here and decide whether there is enough good otherwise to accept things as is. If you choose the first option you'll keep running it as either your resentment builds or you learn to recognize what HE does do for you and decide it is enough.

 

There is a third option: stay and keep asking for what you want. Now, I believe in trying to work things out before you write someone off. If your needs aren't being met it's only fair to give the other person a chance to meet them. However you've already asked once. You can ask a second time, but at some point asking turns into nagging and then harping. Staying in a relationship is tacit approval of your partner and an acknowledgement that your needs are being met.

 

Having needs doesn't make you wrong. Your boyfriend not being able to meet them the way you want doesn't make HIM wrong. It just potentially makes you two incompatible.

The funny thing is, today I decided to mirror his behavior. He gets very concerned when I take awhile to answer his texts even though he can go as long as 10 hours w/out a single message. I'm certainly not chase him, been there, done that never ends well...

The funny thing is, today I decided to mirror his behavior. He gets very concerned when I take awhile to answer his texts even though he can go as long as 10 hours w/out a single message. I'm certainly not chase him, been there, done that never ends well...

Well, good. You should never chase anyone with whom you are already in a relationship.

On the surface your boyfriend's behavior seems hypocritical, and it is a bit. However things in relationships are almost never 100% equal. If you've set a standard if inititiating contact more often and answering more promptly then he's not way off base to simply notice and be concerned about a change in your behavior.

If you are pulling back with the goal to "teach him a lesson" then I think that's a little petty and manipulative. I don't exactly blame you, but still...

However if you are saying "Look, I need to have a life outside of this relationship. I've been relying on his attention way too much and need to also seek happiness and fulfillment elsewhere" and as a result texting him a bit mess then I think that's a good way to go.

Well, good. You should never chase anyone with whom you are already in a relationship.

 

On the surface your boyfriend's behavior seems hypocritical, and it is a bit. However things in relationships are almost never 100% equal. If you've set a standard if inititiating contact more often and answering more promptly then he's not way off base to simply notice and be concerned about a change in your behavior.

 

If you are pulling back with the goal to "teach him a lesson" then I think that's a little petty and manipulative. I don't exactly blame you, but still...

 

However if you are saying "Look, I need to have a life outside of this relationship. I've been relying on his attention way too much and need to also seek happiness and fulfillment elsewhere" and as a result texting him a bit mess then I think that's a good way to go.

I am trying very hard to have my own things to do in life. In the past I have relied too much on a guy's attention. I hate not initiating, but I also really dislike have to do the initiating all the time. I feel like I'm being way too convenient for him. He used to do initiating as well, that's why this behavior worries me, its always been my experience when behavior changes, something is wrong.

I am trying very hard to have my own things to do in life. In the past I have relied too much on a guy's attention. I hate not initiating, but I also really dislike have to do the initiating all the time. I feel like I'm being way too convenient for him. He used to do initiating as well, that's why this behavior worries me, its always been my experience when behavior changes, something is wrong.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But unless you are a really paranoid type people's intuition about this sort of thing is normally correct in my experience.

However, the worst thing to do if he seems to be cooling off or pulling away would be to chase after him. You are taking the best route by pulling back yourself and doing your own thing. I know it can be counterintuitive but it really is the best route.