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Question about how I should handle the finances in my marriage


Lunabird

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I recently married my bf of 5 years and we are expecting a baby early next year. Since then I've found out some rather disturbing things about his finances and I'm not sure how to handle the situation.

 

About a year ago my husband lost his job and he didn't want to find another full time position. He wanted to work for himself and I supported him. At the time, he lived in an extra house his parents had. He didn't have to pay mortgage or any type of bill, his parents covered his living expenses. So even though he wasn't making much working for himself, he made enough to cover his expenses. I work full time, a 9-5 corporate job. I make a decent amount but not a ton. so that's kind of our working situation right now.

 

We bought a house together at th beginning of this year and we each contributed half of the down payment. At the time I thought his half came from his savings but only just learned that he doesn't have any savings and that his parents gave him the money. We also have to fix the house up and we also split that cost. His half also coming from his parents. If I knew at the time that he didn't have any money himself, I would never have agreed to buy a house together. I feel a little blindsided by this news.

 

But since we are marrie with baby on the way, I'm trying to make the best of the situation. He has made it clear he has no intentions of finding a job and will continue to work on his business. He'll also be caring for the baby when my maternity leave is over so at least we can save money on day care.

 

But the thing that really concerns me is that he doesn't work hard at his business. He doesn't make effects to try to reach new clients or advertise. He chooses a more passive approach and waits for people to come to him which you can imagine how well that's working out.

 

Another thing that really pisses me off is that whenever we need to buy anything, he always suggests asking my parents to buy it for us. We are adults in our 30's and it disgusts me that he has the nerve to even ask something like that. My parents aren't rich, they're saving for their retirement. But he knows that if I were to ask, they would buy it for us. Even if they need to get a loan. And I would never ask them. I can't even believe he would bring it up.

 

Anyways after sitting down, we decided that since I'm the only one that is really working, I will be covering 75% of our expenses and he will contribute 25%. I'm not trilled about this but it is what it is. We have a joint account that w put money into each month, as well as separate personal accounts.

 

Sorry, this is very long and very rambling. But I'm partially ranting because I am a bit frustrated.

 

My questions are is there any way I can either motivate him to find a job or get more serious about his business? I don't want to be the sole supporter and frankly can't afford to be. I'm terrified of the day I migjt lose my job. I don't know what we would do.

 

Also, is it a good idea to have one account instead of joint/separate accounts?

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Wow, I thought this guy was mid 20s at most. I honestly don't know what to advise you. He has no sense of wanting to better himself, relies solely on his parents, feels no shame and is alittle entitled expecting you to contribute 75%, as well as having the audacity to ask your parents to pay for things?

 

Finances is very important in the running of a smooth marriage. I don't know how you can respect this guy. I wouldn't think I'd be able to stay married to someone like this. I just don't understand how someone in their 30's have no savings? I can think of 10 people I know at the top of my head that have purchased properties and they're all under 34. And the housing prices in my city average 1.2 mil atm if I recall.

 

What gives him the right to be a bum while you actually make more of the effort? I would think you know you deserve much better than this.

 

You can't motivate him effectively. This want to improve has to come from within.

Also, I suggest keeping your finances in check, and have separate accounts. I also hope you have a good prenup. =l

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Wow, I thought this guy was mid 20s at most. I honestly don't know what to advise you. He has no sense of wanting to better himself, relies solely on his parents, feels no shame and is alittle entitled expecting you to contribute 75%, as well as having the audacity to ask your parents to pay for things?

 

 

Finances is very important in the running of a smooth marriage. I don't know how you can respect this guy. I wouldn't think I'd be able to stay married to someone like this.

 

What gives him the right to be a bum while you actually make more of the effort? I would think you know you deserve much better than this.

 

I do and that's why this whole situation is frustrating to me. when he started his business he was so passionate about it and had all these ideas he wanted to implement. And I believed in him. And I still do. I just don't know what happened to make him stop caring or what I can do to help out.

 

Since we found out about the baby, I thought that would motivate him to try to work a little harder but now he seems to not want to work at all and just stay at home with that baby and future babies. I'm trying to make the best of it but it scares me to be in an one income family.

 

I didn't enter this relationship thinking I would have to support an entire family on my own. He never indicated that, he always had plans but now I'm realizing that it was all talk and not much else.

 

I don't know what I can do except to make sure I never lose my job lol. I can't force a grown up to work right?

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It sounds like you both have fundamental differences in handling money. Try to get some commitment between yourselves about a compromise on mutual responsibility.

Perhaps he should get a full time job and work his business like a hobby; nights and weekends. When he gets motivated to get his business going and it starts bringing in enough money then he can just work part time and manage the business full time.

 

I hate to say this to you, but you should have your own side account, especially what you need for a retainer for an attorney. If he stays at home with baby while you work (and he has no job or income) and then later split up you're going to get to pay him alimony and if he gets custody, then you'll be paying child support.

 

He shouldn't have a private savings account until he's able to pay 1/2 the bills out of his own earnings. I wonder why his parents are happy paying your bills? It strikes me as odd.

 

Best of health and happiness with the baby.

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It sounds like you both have fundamental differences in handling money. Try to get some commitment between yourselves about a compromise on mutual responsibility.

Perhaps he should get a full time job and work his business like a hobby; nights and weekends. When he gets motivated to get his business going and it starts bringing in enough money then he can just work part time and manage the business full time.

 

I hate to say this to you, but you should have your own side account, especially what you need for a retainer for an attorney. If he stays at home with baby while you work (and he has no job or income) and then later split up you're going to get to pay him alimony and if he gets custody, then you'll be paying child support.

 

He shouldn't have a private savings account until he's able to pay 1/2 the bills out of his own earnings. I wonder why his parents are happy paying your bills? It strikes me as odd.

 

Best of health and happiness with the baby.

 

Thank you!

 

He has said that 9-5 jobs make him miserable and he doesn't want to do the daily grind that so many us have to do. I have suggested numerous times he should apply for some positions but he's very resistant to the idea unfortunately. Growing up, he put himself through college, he started working st a very young age so I know he is capable of working hard.

 

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy in so many ways and I love him very much. But it's just this one thing that I'm having a hard time dealing with.

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I mean I'm sorry to say, but this is kinda why you don't marry-- much less bring a kid into the world-- with someone with whom you're not financially comfortable with. The easy and simple options all go away.

 

As much as I enjoy giving amateur advice on here, this is really an area you two shouldn't be cutting corners and sitting with a counselor to ensure you two can have a no-holds barred but mediated discussion and come a real arrangement. Really, you should have undergone premarital counseling for it.

 

If you didn't have a kid on the way, I'd say just spare yourself the headache and dump him.

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Find your spine, Mama.

 

Stop trying "to make the best of it." That approach is not working. Tell him very clearly that this 75/25 split does not work for you. It is too much for you to carry on your own. Full stop. Tell him you are going to sit down with him and renegotiate this in a fairer way. Full stop. Contact your bank and make an appointment for the two of you to talk to a financial adviser. Let a professional explain if he is uninterested in listening to you.

 

He is miserable in a 9-5 job? Tough. He has a child on the way. He needs to take some responsibility and do what is necessary to create a comfortable lifestyle with you, for the sake of your family. Expecting you to do the bulk to of the work while he makes little attempt to grow his business is not reasonable. Tell him that you do not accept his suggestions that your parents buy things for you - you are about to become to parents yourselves. He needs to start behaving like it.

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I would not "split" the bills -- you are MARRIED. He should be putting the money he makes into a joint account and so should you - and pay bills from that account. You are not roommates. BUt in this case YOU solely control the account that the bills are paid with. You have one account for his business if its a legit business, one for bills and one for you to save on the side since he is not.

 

But either way -- the funding from his parents must end.

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OK, so in general here's how finances should go in a marriage. Let's say you have a husband who's a relatively high earner married to a woman who's a lower earner.

 

First of all, they should each have their own bank accounts ideally. And they should both have their own money as discretionary income they can do with what they want. He can't complain about the expensive outfit she buys herself and she can't complain about his golf equipment because those things were bought with hers and his money respectively.

 

Now, they also both need to have the same standard of living. He isn't going to be driving around in a new Lexus and eating steak and lobster while she's driving around in a ten year old Camry eating beans and rice. No, he needs to subsidize her in such a way (usually by taking on the lion's share of the bills, but through whatever means) that they both have the same standard of living and the same discretionary money.

 

So, OP, unfortunately you are stuck subsidizing this man.

 

Now, I admit this seems very unfair given that he is making irresponsible and selfish choices. I especially agree that it's way wrong of him to want to ask your parents for help. There I would flatly refuse and tell him that the two of you will live within your own means. But otherwise you can't exactly hold a gun to his head and make him get a better job. So you are stuck subsidizing him as long as you are married to him, provided he doesn't choose to step up more.

 

As long as you are married to him...

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I would not "split" the bills -- you are MARRIED. He should be putting the money he makes into a joint account and so should you - and pay bills from that account. You are not roommates. BUt in this case YOU solely control the account that the bills are paid with. You have one account for his business if its a legit business, one for bills and one for you to save on the side since he is not.

 

But either way -- the funding from his parents must end.

 

Exactly! There is no more you and me it is now US. You are a unit. All money is OURS. You need to agree on a budget and financial goals. It’s ok if you make more and are ok with being the “bread winner” but you need to have a written budget that you BOTH agree on. No separate accounts. There is no more separation, you’re married.

 

Check out Dave Ramsey’s stuff. It will help you figure this out. You need to figure it out because the number one cause of divorce is money problems. Check out his podcast or the book “the total money makeover”, he also had a financial class you might consider taking together.

 

You can do this! Good luck.

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OK, so in general here's how finances should go in a marriage. Let's say you have a husband who's a relatively high earner married to a woman who's a lower earner.

 

First of all, they should each have their own bank accounts ideally. And they should both have their own money as discretionary income they can do with what they want. He can't complain about the expensive outfit she buys herself and she can't complain about his golf equipment because those things were bought with hers and his money respectively.

 

Now, they also both need to have the same standard of living. He isn't going to be driving around in a new Lexus and eating steak and lobster while she's driving around in a ten year old Camry eating beans and rice. No, he needs to subsidize her in such a way (usually by taking on the lion's share of the bills, but through whatever means) that they both have the same standard of living and the same discretionary money.

 

So, OP, unfortunately you are stuck subsidizing this man.

 

Now, I admit this seems very unfair given that he is making irresponsible and selfish choices. I especially agree that it's way wrong of him to want to ask your parents for help. There I would flatly refuse and tell him that the two of you will live within your own means. But otherwise you can't exactly hold a gun to his head and make him get a better job. So you are stuck subsidizing him as long as you are married to him, provided he doesn't choose to step up more.

 

As long as you are married to him...

 

I really disagree as to what you say is ideal for a couple. I see a lot more success with couples that share accounts versus those that have individual ones. My wife and I have shared one for 10 years, can't imagine it any other way.

 

As for the OP.

 

Finances are one of the big topics that breaks a marriage. It needs to be worked out where you are both content or it will slowly eat away at you and make you resentful.

 

That resentment will eventually be too much for you to handle.

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Once you are married there is no "me" and "mine". All your bills and income go into the same pot. From there, you sort out what you can and cannot afford, what you will set aside for savings and a black day every single month, what investment or retirement accounts you'll have, etc. It's a team effort. You aren't roommates anymore where you split bills 50/50 and otherwise buy things separately. Even for personal purchases, you agree at what point something is significant enough to be discussed and what doesn't require discussion.

 

Above aside, the problem that I'm seeing is a lifestyle disagreement and something you also need to sit down and discuss with him. What he is telling you is that he'll be a house-wife. You want a partner who also works equally. Before you jump up and down about it, consider seriously the practicalities of raising children. Inevitably, someone's career will take a backseat, unless you have parents willing to raise your kids while you both work equally. Someone has to stay home when the kids are sick, someone has to be free to pick them up from daycare and if your child is prone to getting sick easily...you'll get kicked out of daycare anyway. Good quality daycare is often so expensive it pretty much eats up one person's salary anyway, so you are still living on one income for all practical means and purposes. I think you need to consider the broader picture here.

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I really disagree as to what you say is ideal for a couple. I see a lot more success with couples that share accounts versus those that have individual ones. My wife and I have shared one for 10 years, can't imagine it any other way.

 

As for the OP.

 

Finances are one of the big topics that breaks a marriage. It needs to be worked out where you are both content or it will slowly eat away at you and make you resentful.

 

That resentment will eventually be too much for you to handle.

Well, this advice comes from evolutionary clinical psychologist Dr. Doug Lisle, and he's never wrong about anything.

 

I do believe that it is very important that both partners have some of their own money, separate accounts or not. Why? Because you are both still adults and individuals who should maintain some autonomy. When you have to run your every purchase by someone else you've lost your autonomy. And I believe it reduces conflict and resentment. If I believe that the expensive coffee you stop and buy yourself every day is coming out of OUR funds I may start to push back. You don't want to give up your morning coffee but I don't think it's worth the money and would rather see it go somewhere else. Chances are we are going to fight about it and one of us will get our way and the other will end up resentful over it. If you want to spend your own money on it however, I really can't do anything but shrug and say "I think you're wasting your money but, hey, that's your business."

 

My ex about hit the ceiling when I asked her for separate accounts. She also balked when I suggested that we should at least both have some discretionary income. She was controlling and she liked having some say over every single purchase I may make. She didn't work for a large portion of the relationship (although she was drawing unemployment benefits some of the time) and we she did work she made less than me. That didn't bother me; I was more than willing to subsidize her. But I did get really tired of never being able to spend some of the money I earned on a few of the things I wanted.

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Well, this advice comes from evolutionary clinical psychologist Dr. Doug Lisle, and he's never wrong about anything.

 

I do believe that it is very important that both partners have some of their own money, separate accounts or not. Why? Because you are both still adults and individuals who should maintain some autonomy. When you have to run your every purchase by someone else you've lost your autonomy. And I believe it reduces conflict and resentment. If I believe that the expensive coffee you stop and buy yourself every day is coming out of OUR funds I may start to push back. You don't want to give up your morning coffee but I don't think it's worth the money and would rather see it go somewhere else. Chances are we are going to fight about it and one of us will get our way and the other will end up resentful over it. If you want to spend your own money on it however, I really can't do anything but shrug and say "I think you're wasting your money but, hey, that's your business."

 

My ex about hit the ceiling when I asked her for separate accounts. She also balked when I suggested that we should at least both have some discretionary income. She was controlling and she liked having some say over every single purchase I may make. She didn't work for a large portion of the relationship (although she was drawing unemployment benefits some of the time) and we she did work she made less than me. That didn't bother me; I was more than willing to subsidize her. But I did get really tired of never being able to spend some of the money I earned on a few of the things I wanted.

Well we both have income we spend at our individual digression. It just comes out of the same account.

 

It comes down to that I trust my wife's judgement and she trusts mine. In the very unlikely situation that she spent money in an unacceptable way that would just precipitate a discussion between us. Not an argument.

 

We have as much autonomy as people with their individual accounts do, we just don't think twice about the others expenses because of our trust in one another.

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Well, this advice comes from evolutionary clinical psychologist Dr. Doug Lisle, and he's never wrong about anything.

 

I do believe that it is very important that both partners have some of their own money, separate accounts or not. Why? Because you are both still adults and individuals who should maintain some autonomy. When you have to run your every purchase by someone else you've lost your autonomy. And I believe it reduces conflict and resentment. If I believe that the expensive coffee you stop and buy yourself every day is coming out of OUR funds I may start to push back. You don't want to give up your morning coffee but I don't think it's worth the money and would rather see it go somewhere else. Chances are we are going to fight about it and one of us will get our way and the other will end up resentful over it. If you want to spend your own money on it however, I really can't do anything but shrug and say "I think you're wasting your money but, hey, that's your business."

 

My ex about hit the ceiling when I asked her for separate accounts. She also balked when I suggested that we should at least both have some discretionary income. She was controlling and she liked having some say over every single purchase I may make. She didn't work for a large portion of the relationship (although she was drawing unemployment benefits some of the time) and we she did work she made less than me. That didn't bother me; I was more than willing to subsidize her. But I did get really tired of never being able to spend some of the money I earned on a few of the things I wanted.

 

The core fundamental problem with this isn't money but controlling each other and a game of I'm going to control you this way and I'll avoid your control this way. Take money away and it will just manifest itself in other ways - friends, free time, hobbies, lifestyle, etc, etc, etc.....and if you pay attention, it does manifest itself in many ways regardless of financial arrangements. It's an unhealthy relationship where the two people involved do not respect each other or treat each other like adults regardless of money....or at least one of them doesn't.

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The core fundamental problem with this isn't money but controlling each other and a game of I'm going to control you this way and I'll avoid your control this way. Take money away and it will just manifest itself in other ways - friends, free time, hobbies, lifestyle, etc, etc, etc.....and if you pay attention, it does manifest itself in many ways regardless of financial arrangements. It's an unhealthy relationship where the two people involved do not respect each other or treat each other like adults regardless of money....or at least one of them doesn't.

You have a point with the controlling thing, but let's take my coffee thing for example.

 

Ok, so you have (mostly) happily married Jeff and Becky. They are both subscibers to the thealchemist and DancingFool model of how finances should be handled in a marriage and therefore what's Jeff's is Becky's and what's Becky's is Jeff's.

 

Every morning Jeff brews a big pot of coffee and fills a thermos up to bring with him to work. Now there is plenty for Becky to do the same but she has picked up the habit of stopping by a local coffee shop on her way to work. She usually gets a large dark roast and a scone, both pretty overpriced. Yes, she knows it's a little expensive but, hey, she really loves the coffee there and her trip puts her in a good mood every day.

 

But Jeff's got a problem with it. At first he didn't say anything but come on-- Becky's spending about eight bucks a day there. If she'd just take some coffee from home like he does it would cost pennies. They are planning a trip to The Bahamas next winter he can't help but think about how the money she's spending on her coffee is taking could be going towards having more fun there. Plus they haven't been putting as much into their Roth IRA as he'd like.

 

Soon, her morning coffee is turning into a bone of contention. At first it's a discussion, but soon it's become a fight.

 

Now Jeff's not a controlling guy. He's just objecting to how money that is half his is being spent.

 

Wouldn't an easy solution be for the two of them to have their own separate money? That way Becky can spend her own money on that coffee if she wants and Jeff really can't say anything about it.

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I say, whatever works for each couple, works for that couple. One of the happiest married couples I know (20 years) has kept separate accounts, and contribute equally, for 20 years. Others keep shared accounts.

 

Whatever works.

 

This doesn't work for you. It wouldn't work for me either!! I actually know quite a few people in the same situation, many who are much older than you: BF & GF date for a while, both have jobs. BF & GF get married, wife gets pregnant, and husband decides he wants to "start a business", or "be a house husband", which the wife never really agreed to. I'm much older than you, and I actually know a couple in their mid-50's going through this. I know many actually.

 

You could have gone to all the premarital counseling in the world, and it still doesn't change what occurred after the marriage. And after the pregnancy.

 

He could be the greatest guy in the world, but he's contributing zero financially. Because all, or most, of his money is actually coming from his parents. Plus, he's not really doing much to make his "passion business" successful.

 

He hates a 9-5 job? Guess what....it's called JOB, not PLAY, for a reason. Grow up and grow a pair.

 

I have very little empathy for people who can work and contribute, but choose not to. Especially with a baby on the way.

 

My only advice, I'm sorry to say, is this: Make sure you are putting money away in a separate account that he will have no knowledge of. Find a good lawyer. If you can, get an agreement drawn up now, a post-nup. He will suck you dry.

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My biggest question is how you dated this man child for 5 years and had no idea that his parents were enablers?

 

I have no issue with typical role reversals and who earns more than the other.

My issue would be his attitude about the whole thing.

 

I don't see this changing. He has been brought up this way and he doesn't know any different.

 

I hate reciting Dr Phil quotes. but some are just so spot on.

"A form a child abuse is doing everything for your child" (or something like that)

A parents job is to teach their children to be self sufficient. If he is still dependent on his parents (and others) to this extent, his parents have crippled him.

 

Children need to be taught delayed gratification when they are young. It's close to impossible to teach a grown man the same thing. The window of opportunity was missed.

"do your homework=go out and play"

"finish your dinner=have desert"

"clean your room=receive allowance'

 

It's these small things and more that evolve into a fully functioning, independent adult. It doesn't appear this happened here.

And even worse, it still continues.

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You have a point with the controlling thing, but let's take my coffee thing for example.

 

Ok, so you have (mostly) happily married Jeff and Becky. They are both subscibers to the thealchemist and DancingFool model of how finances should be handled in a marriage and therefore what's Jeff's is Becky's and what's Becky's is Jeff's.

 

Every morning Jeff brews a big pot of coffee and fills a thermos up to bring with him to work. Now there is plenty for Becky to do the same but she has picked up the habit of stopping by a local coffee shop on her way to work. She usually gets a large dark roast and a scone, both pretty overpriced. Yes, she knows it's a little expensive but, hey, she really loves the coffee there and her trip puts her in a good mood every day.

 

But Jeff's got a problem with it. At first he didn't say anything but come on-- Becky's spending about eight bucks a day there. If she'd just take some coffee from home like he does it would cost pennies. They are planning a trip to The Bahamas next winter he can't help but think about how the money she's spending on her coffee is taking could be going towards having more fun there. Plus they haven't been putting as much into their Roth IRA as he'd like.

 

Soon, her morning coffee is turning into a bone of contention. At first it's a discussion, but soon it's become a fight.

 

Now Jeff's not a controlling guy. He's just objecting to how money that is half his is being spent.

 

Wouldn't an easy solution be for the two of them to have their own separate money? That way Becky can spend her own money on that coffee if she wants and Jeff really can't say anything about it.

If they can't come to a comprise about such a trivial thing I dont think there is much chance in dealing with an actual real issue in their relationship.

 

If someone's best solution to a conflict between a couple is "each do your own thing" eventually there isn't going to be much of a couple. I also don't think you should be joined at the hip or anything though.

 

I have read a lot of your stuff krank. I really love the logic and science you bring into dialogs here, especially since I am a scientist.

 

But it almost seems like sometimes you try to perceive relationship issues through too technical of a lens, and less intuitively.

 

On paper I can totally see the value of the split account argument. Being in a relationship though it seems ludicrous that I should have a seperate account from my wife. That honestly seems to me like I am trying to hide what I spend money on instead of owning to it.

 

That vale of deception isn't something I would ever want between my wife and myself.

 

It seems to me that your example is also based more on a lack of communication that a huge issue on expenses.

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You have a point with the controlling thing, but let's take my coffee thing for example.

 

Ok, so you have (mostly) happily married Jeff and Becky. They are both subscibers to the thealchemist and DancingFool model of how finances should be handled in a marriage and therefore what's Jeff's is Becky's and what's Becky's is Jeff's.

 

Every morning Jeff brews a big pot of coffee and fills a thermos up to bring with him to work. Now there is plenty for Becky to do the same but she has picked up the habit of stopping by a local coffee shop on her way to work. She usually gets a large dark roast and a scone, both pretty overpriced. Yes, she knows it's a little expensive but, hey, she really loves the coffee there and her trip puts her in a good mood every day.

 

But Jeff's got a problem with it. At first he didn't say anything but come on-- Becky's spending about eight bucks a day there. If she'd just take some coffee from home like he does it would cost pennies. They are planning a trip to The Bahamas next winter he can't help but think about how the money she's spending on her coffee is taking could be going towards having more fun there. Plus they haven't been putting as much into their Roth IRA as he'd like.

 

Soon, her morning coffee is turning into a bone of contention. At first it's a discussion, but soon it's become a fight.

 

Now Jeff's not a controlling guy. He's just objecting to how money that is half his is being spent.

 

Wouldn't an easy solution be for the two of them to have their own separate money? That way Becky can spend her own money on that coffee if she wants and Jeff really can't say anything about it.

 

This is why each person has an amount of discretionary money. A certain amount of money that covers gasoline but is also for any incidentals that person sees fit that the other person has no say over like work lunches, spontaneous purchases, whatever. So if Becky loves her starbucks - so what. that just means she has $8 less to spend on something else and might need to bow out of going out to lunch with her coworkers on Friday or has money left over from the previous paycheck -- who knows. So what if Jeff decides to take coffee with him from home - he uses it how he sees fit on something else. The money that goes into their joint account is for bills, things for the house they agree on, etc.

 

The roth IRA is funded right off the top when they get their paychecks and is debited out of their bank account so they don't ever touch the money.

And the trip they are putting aside $40 from every paycheck into a vacation countdown account.

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Thank you!

 

He has said that 9-5 jobs make him miserable and he doesn't want to do the daily grind that so many us have to do. I have suggested numerous times he should apply for some positions but he's very resistant to the idea unfortunately. Growing up, he put himself through college, he started working st a very young age so I know he is capable of working hard.

 

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy in so many ways and I love him very much. But it's just this one thing that I'm having a hard time dealing with.

 

Understood. You "have to do" it, apparently, and he benefits by living at the standard of living you provide. What if you chose to live at his standard of living so you each contribute equally financially (or if he stays at home to care for the child, what that represents in $) and you save the rest of your earnings in a private account to fund what you want? That may be retirement for you, travel for you, education for you or your child, gifts, a bigger house. Legally, check into what all this means down the road. If you ever split, will it be a 50-50 split, so he gains from your choices, and you lose? Maybe you draw up an legally binding agreement now, if that is the case, and if it is do-able where you live...a post-wedding agreement?

 

In any event, when I was married we went through various ways of working out finances. Combining everything into one joint account ended up frustrating both of us. Eventually the method that worked involved separate accounts and taking on different financial responsibilities. If you do that, just be careful one of you doesn't believe their contribution is more important than the other's. That goes with non-finacial contributions as well, such as child-rearing.

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If they can't come to a comprise about such a trivial thing I dont think there is much chance in dealing with an actual real issue in their relationship.

 

If someone's best solution to a conflict between a couple is "each do your own thing" eventually there isn't going to be much of a couple. I also don't think you should be joined at the hip or anything though.

 

I have read a lot of your stuff krank. I really love the logic and science you bring into dialogs here, especially since I am a scientist.

 

But it almost seems like sometimes you try to perceive relationship issues through too technical of a lens, and less intuitively.

 

On paper I can totally see the value of the split account argument. Being in a relationship though it seems ludicrous that I should have a seperate account from my wife. That honestly seems to me like I am trying to hide what I spend money on instead of owning to it.

 

That vale of deception isn't something I would ever want between my wife and myself.

 

It seems to me that your example is also based more on a lack of communication that a huge issue on expenses.

Well, I do like to try to think about what really motivates people from an evolutionary/biological level, because I truly do believe that informs most of who we are and what we do and think and feel. But I do see how it can come off as kind of cold and technical.

 

My example (it's just what I thought of off the top of my head, it could be over something larger) seems to call for compromise but I ask, what would that compromise be? She can go Monday, Wednesday, and Friday but skip Tuesday and Thursday? Buy the coffee but no scone? A medium instead of a large? I'm not trying at all to be snotty; these just honestly seem to me to be the compromises. Becky will still resent that she can't just have this one thing without being hassled about it and Jeff still doesn't want to see a penny of their money spent in what he sees as a foolish way. I understand that is what compromise is about and maybe they should both try to have good attitudes about it but, again, it just seems to me that giving them both doscretionary money completely solves the problem and I don't see why it should cause them to be less close.

 

I personally would insist on separate accounts and discretionary money if I were to do it all again. I had a horrible experience doing it the other way. If my wife made less than me I would absolutely subsidize her and I'd probably happily spend a lot of my own money taking her out and buying her presents. That's how I am. It's not greed, I just need some independence and autonomy.

 

However, doing it the other way seems to work great for you and I'm sure for others as well, so I will concede that my way isn't right for everyone.

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The root of the issue to me is that if you can't agree on compromising while sharing an account how can you comprise any better not sharing?

 

Or how can you come to a comprise on how to actually split your finances?

 

I will admit I have done no research on this. But in my personal experiences I see people that share an account have a much more balanced relationship than people that dictate how everything is split so they can spend their money and you can spend yours.

 

It is almost like sweeping dirt under the carpet. The issue is still there, resentment and all, it just isn't as visible to each party. Without working on that underlying resentment, the issue will only fester.

 

But like all relationships, to each their own.

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Krankor, Jeff in your example is just toxic. He is in fact controlling - looking at his partner with jealousy, trying to impose his views while disregarding her daily happiness. In fact he is putting his plans for the vacation and the potential of the extra funds well above the every day happy partner happy life principle. Your solution is essentially that ignorance is bliss....which is kind of ironic because it wouldn't even solve your example. Jeff would still be eyeballing her expenditures on daily coffee and thinking that if she stopped the bs with that, she could sooo contribute more out of her discretionary funds. Discretionary funds in this case do not make Jeff's toxic martyr, you should do what I do attitude, go away.

 

I keep countering you because the core problem is rarely money. Money is pretty much the red herring and it's important to understand that. You personally got burned because you were with a controlling person and she would have been controlling even if you had millions to spend and no money issues whatsoever. Money won't make a controlling or otherwise toxic person stop being toxic.

 

Anyway, as for the OP, I am finding some of the responses humorous. When a man offers to stay home and raise the kids - he is a manchild. When a woman stays home to raise the kids - she is an underappreciated hard worker.......

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