Need advice for turning down invites to a guy's house / taking initiative with date settings

Hi,

I need some advice regarding dating. I am a straight female and a flirted with a cute guy I met at a meetup group. We met up for a 2 hour walk and he seemed nice enough. We flirted through text and I said I thought he was good-looking. Since then, he has been inviting me back to his house somewhat repeatedly. He's offered to make me dinner, said we should meet at his place to go out, etc.

I don't really want to get into anything too quickly and I'm shy and his persistent invites to his place are kinda weirding me out. I suppose I need to take some initiative to suggest things that are not at his place until I feel comfortable in that setting, but I'll be turning down about three different things he's invited me over for at this point. Should I be more forthright that I'm just not comfortable coming over so soon? I already said that I'd be fine meeting there to go out together, but now I'm not even sure about that.

Thanks!

Yeah, you know why this guy wants to get you back to his place. It seems like there's only one thing on his mind. He's not interested in dating. He's interested in sex. I think you should tell him you met someone else and let him chance someone else.

Should I be more forthright that I'm just not comfortable coming over so soon?

Yes.

It doesn't matter what you said, sometimes we change our minds, and it's perfectly fine. If you don't feel comfortable going over, say so. Own it, try not to be "polite" on things like these. I am mirroring myself on this case, as I used to be overly polite. I was taught to never say no to a guy, well not sex wise, but you know "Aw he asked you out, you must go with him even if you don't like him!" etc... Hell no!! Do what you want, if he agrees, fine, if he insists on you going to his place, move on, he doesn't respect you.

Your body, your life, your choice! Imagine if a teenager was asking you for this exact same advice.

The simplest way is not to complain about what you are and aren't comfortable with, but to simply counter his invite with whatever you are actually happy with. Remember that actions speak louder than words. So rather than agreeing to whatever you are not comfortable with, simply tell him "hey, it will be better for me if I meet you directly at x place. Thanks for being understanding." Keep it simple.

Honestly though, when a guy's behavior is making you feel uncomfortable or downright weirded out....probably best to listen to your gut and drop him completely.

My first meet n greet with someone recently, he asked me to meet at his house and walk over to a farmers market that was a couple blocks away.

Innocent enough right? I declined and asked him to meet me at a coffee shop equally close by.

His parents happened to be visiting at the time and when he mentioned to his mother that I declined to meet him at his house, his mother responded `Smart girl. I like her already'

I hadn't even met him and just by this simple act, he respected me for taking charge of my own welfare and the unsaid subtle message he got from that was I am someone who is discerning about my personal life. It set the tone from that little moment on and going fwd.

Tell your guy thanks for the offer. . . and counter with an alternate plan and see how he handles it.

You can probably figure out pretty quickly what he's all about.

When you date, it would be helpful OP that you pick out a few places around town as your initial go to locations for those first dates. That way you don't have to search and think about what to counter with, you already have it ready. You know the area well, you are comfortable with it, etc.

Personally, I like areas like a little town square type, with shops, always busy, you can meet at a cute little wine bar or juice bar, you can extend the date if you like and go on to one of the lunch/dinner places or walk around, or you can always cut the date short and get out of there with some convenient excuse about other plans if the guy turns out to be a boor, or starts pressuring you to go to his place or whatever weird gut feeling you get that he is bad news.

Yeah, you know why this guy wants to get you back to his place. It seems like there's only one thing on his mind. He's not interested in dating. He's interested in sex. I think you should tell him you met someone else and let him chance someone else.

A guy that is trying to have sex with a girl doesn't mean that is the only thing he wants. If he keeps proposing things like make you dinner, or do some activity that makes sense, he might also want a relationship.

That being said, he is obviously trying to have sex with you, but he is at least doing it more politely than many. It also sounds like you haven't told him that he needs to wait, so it isn't like he is being aggressive with it.

All I can say is try to be more assertive and counter his propositions with things you are comfortable with. If he doesn't want to try to compromise on these things then I would jump to the conclusion that he is trying wanting sex.

I tried to sleep with my wife for a long time before we actually did. That doesn't mean I just wanted sex, I just also wanted sex. She would just redirect our activities towards less promiscuous activities until she was ready, and although I still tried I was never rude or disrespectful with my advances.

If someone wants to cook for you - that's great. But its too soon.

I'd just suggest an alternative that's closeby to where I live. If he resists that, then I wouldn't be interested in him.

A guy that is trying to have sex with a girl doesn't mean that is the only thing he wants. If he keeps proposing things like make you dinner, or do some activity that makes sense, he might also want a relationship.

It is the only thing if she has told him that she is uncomfortable with it, and he knows that she is shy, and is trying to wear her down mentally.

Op, if you have made it clear that you want to go on an official date, and he has ignored your request and keeps trying to get you at his house, then he is being disrespectful. Why do you still want to see someone who ignores you at the beginning? It will only get worse.

It is the only thing if she has told him that she is uncomfortable with it, and he knows that she is shy, and is trying to wear her down mentally.

 

Op, if you have made it clear that you want to go on an official date, and he has ignored your request and keeps trying to get you at his house, then he is being disrespectful. Why do you still want to see someone who ignores you at the beginning? It will only get worse.

She said in her OP that she needs to be more forthright with not wanting to go to his place. So I dont think you can assume he is aware he is making her uncomfortable with the plans that are at his place.

Simply saying that I bet he doesn't realize it makes her uncomfortable because she hasn't told him. So he really doesnt sound like he is just wanting to have sex.

Especially if he is saying this like dinner at his place or plans that are near. He isn't just being a forward jerk, it sounds like he is just doing what most any normal guy might.

It's true, I haven't said anything. I need to learn to be more forthright. I guess I feel like saying that I feel uncomfortable coming over so soon implies that I think he's going to pounce on me the second I come through the door or behave in some predatory manner.

I wasn't even that alarmed by it initially, it's just the fact that he repeatedly brings it up. I've been sick recently, and I got a text from him that didn't ask how I was feeling, it was just "Miss you, when are you going to stop by?" It's really putting me off.

Thanks everyone.

Why are u still txting him? It's clear as day he only wants sex. A guy that takes u seriously does not act like this. Raise ur standards.

It's true, I haven't said anything. I need to learn to be more forthright. I guess I feel like saying that I feel uncomfortable coming over so soon implies that I think he's going to pounce on me the second I come through the door or behave in some predatory manner.

 

I wasn't even that alarmed by it initially, it's just the fact that he repeatedly brings it up. I've been sick recently, and I got a text from him that didn't ask how I was feeling, it was just "Miss you, when are you going to stop by?" It's really putting me off.

 

Thanks everyone.

Instead of putting a man off by avoiding going to his house, i would instead be enthusiastic about the plans outside of his house --- you really want to try this restaurant, you really like mini golf, or you really want to go to this art festival or whatever rather than just saying "its too soon to go to your house". If he really wants to spend time with you, he will do it, and then you can decide when you would like to go to his house in your own time.

To me, whats off putting its not like "i'd really like to see you. You know i'd love for you to stop by my place, but if that won't work, i'd be happy to stop by your place instead". It just sounds like the guy wants no effort and just wants you to come to him and have sex -- and if you are not willing to come, he's not willing to meet out.

Good for not going to his place after just meeting him. Sounds like he just wants to have sex with you without even knowing you much yet, which sounds kind of desperate or like an 18 year old teenager who does not know how to treat a woman properly and with respect.... hmm.....Just say thank you, but you prefer going out on dates and getting to know somebody first before actually going to their place...