Boyfriend has deprioritised me

Encountered a few bumps in my LDR recently. My boyfriend and I are both 26 and have been officially dating since the start of the year. We finally (after many months of changed plans) managed to meet and spend time together as a couple recently for the first time. It felt so easy and natural and everything worked when we were together.

Prior to my trip he had threatened a break up during an argument and then later mentioned that it had been seriously weighing on his mind because he was about to enter a very stressful and time consuming full-time job for his family while also being a single father to a toddler (and he goes to the gym 2 hours a day). He was already rather stressed and unhappy with his living circumstances - difficult family members, four adults in the house including his sister who has a toddler also and she is constantly in and out of mental hospitals. Because there's so many of them and a high stress situation, they get ill and there are arguments/issues frequently. He virtually never brings this into the dynamics between us but I guess it was a matter of time before this started affecting our relationship

We had agreed to move forward with the visit and continue being together, but he said he will need more support and space for a few months. I literally forgot this in the midst of my own hectic lifestyle and after I got home from seeing him I was feeling very in love and wanting to plan my next visit. A few miscommunications led to a fight and he ended up raising his voice at me on the phone for being pushy with him when he had told me what he will need moving forward.

We didn't speak for nearly a week, and since then he has been very scant with his communication. He has gone from texting 20 times a day to a few messages every few days (though there was an incremental decrease over time to this point). I thought he was breaking up with me and got seriously depressed, but he called the other night and I repeatedly asked him if he wanted to leave. I asked him why he hadn't broken up with me yet and he said he thought things would get easier but they have just gotten harder. He told me that he cares deeply for me but not enough that he can deprioritise his other responsibilities for now.

So basically I've been deprioritised. This really stung at first but I'm gradually becoming more okay with it because I like having a bit of extra mental space to do my own thing too. However I am worrying a lot. Half of me wants to read into this situation, and the other half of me trusts him implicitly that he has told me exactly how it is, no less and no more. I am worrying that I'm only contributing to his issues and making it harder for him to engage/communicate with me by continually asking what he wants from the relationship and asking him to communicate with me more - it's really dampened the spark between us and yet he hasn't run for the hills.

I'm sure some will say something along the lines of "you can do better" or "you should leave if he's not making you a priority!". But I'm not proud enough to think that I should always come first and if I don't then I should leave. I'm also not in that headspace right now, he's my person and I want/need to be there for him. People deal with husbands/partners who are deployed or overseas for periods of time and manage to pull through, so I haven't lost hope.

I simply don't know how to act right now to be supportive and undemanding of him so that this relationship is a safe space rather than just another concern/chore that he has to attend to because I'm upset. It's hard because we are moving forward without a guarantee of when he'll have time but just that he'll try and find time.

So I guess I have two questions.

1. Would you do this for someone you love? Continue a relationship with considerably reduced communication for a while with the view that it will improve?

2. How do I communicate with him so that communication isn't strained and I'm not adding to his problems? It's taken me a month or so to adjust to the reduced presence from him (and I visited for a week in that time, so there was that). Honestly, I've kicked and screamed about it because I assumed the worst. I am surprised he hasn't left me yet

So I guess I have two questions.

 

1. Would you do this for someone you love? Continue a relationship with considerably reduced communication for a while with the view that it will improve?

2. How do I communicate with him so that communication isn't strained and I'm not adding to his problems? It's taken me a month or so to adjust to the reduced presence from him (and I visited for a week in that time, so there was that). Honestly, I've kicked and screamed about it because I assumed the worst. I am surprised he hasn't left me yet

 

1. Yes, absolutely I would do this for someone I love. That's what relationships are! It's all just give and take and being there when they need you (or maybe NOT being there when they need you less)! He's got a lot going on. His home life sounds stressful, and he's already warned you that this new job will take a lot. Tell him you're proud of him for working so hard. Send him a text every few days..."Hope you're having a great day today. Keep working hard, it will pay off! So proud of you!" and learn to be happy independently in the mean time. Eventually, your relationship will be stronger for it.

 

2. Quit asking if we are okay, why we haven't broken up yet, etc. Easing your insecurities is now another chore on his "to do" list. Just remind him occasionally that you're thinking of him and are free to chat when he has some free time. Make your interactions positive. Remember, he's chosen to be in a relationship with you. He likes you. You are LUCKY to have him (the same as he is lucky to have you!) so be happy that even amidst his crazy busy life, he's chosen to spend his free time with you.

From what you described, I would guess that the relationship is over and you don't want to admit it to yourself. You're making excuses for him, and it seems like you're so desperate for love that you will put up with anything, which is not a good basis for a relationship.

A lot of these Internet relationships (it's not an LDR) go off the rails when the two people finally meet each other. I've only been on ENA only for two months, but I think I've read at least five accounts like yours, that when the two people finally meet, and they usually have sex, then it's all over. As long as it's on the Internet, it's as if the relationship is a beautiful fantasy. But when it becomes real, the fantasy crumbles. That's why it's so important to meet people in real life and date people in your area. I just read that 55% of communication is non verbal, and you're missing that entire communications channel by not being there in person.

Another aspect of these relationships is that one or both of the folks are usually stressed and they don't really have time for a real relationship. 20 texts a day? That's 20 minutes here and there. A real relationship requires hours a day.

So I believe you're asking the wrong questions. The question you should be asking is, is he breaking up with me? And I think the answer is yes.

hi,

this sounds like a nightmare. i would cut my losses now and get out. move on and find happiness elsewhere. i can see this going nowhere.

good luck.

What you had was essentially an online fantasy. He already tried to end that before you came, but you came anyway. Now that you've finally met face to face, he is slowly dropping off the radar. If you are honest, what you are missing the most is the constant ping of the text's, aka perceived attention, which can be as addicting as drugs. As for not being a burden to his time.....I mean you aren't even in the same city....not like you are asking for dates, you already aren't there and only "maintenance" he needs to do is the 30 seconds it takes to send a few messages. You couldn't impose less on his time if you tried.

Personally, I think he enjoys the idea of having someone out there somewhere......without the actual work actual dating would require because he is not at a point in life where he can sustain dating, let alone a real relationship. This quasi-fantasy works for him at this time and the distance is perfect because you aren't actually around. If/when his life situation improves, I do think he'll drop you like a hot rock and find someone to date locally. So in your shoes, sure you may wish to carry on, but don't call this a relationship and never ever again consider yourself to be in a relationship with someone you've never even met before. You can keep this guy in the back pocket, but expand your search locally and start going out on actual dates.

it's really dampened the spark between us and yet he hasn't run for the hills.

He doesn't need to run for the hills because he is already there ....he doesn't see you because it is LD , he has made it clear he needs space for all his other stuff and he has backed right off ...there is nothing holding this together my darling but your dreams .

How many times have you two met in person?

How much time have you/do you spend physically together?

I don't think you are really in a relationship with him to begin with. i would cut contact and find someone to date who is local.

From what you described, I would guess that the relationship is over and you don't want to admit it to yourself. You're making excuses for him, and it seems like you're so desperate for love that you will put up with anything, which is not a good basis for a relationship.

 

A lot of these Internet relationships (it's not an LDR) go off the rails when the two people finally meet each other. I've only been on ENA only for two months, but I think I've read at least five accounts like yours, that when the two people finally meet, and they usually have sex, then it's all over. As long as it's on the Internet, it's as if the relationship is a beautiful fantasy. But when it becomes real, the fantasy crumbles. That's why it's so important to meet people in real life and date people in your area. I just read that 55% of communication is non verbal, and you're missing that entire communications channel by not being there in person.

 

Another aspect of these relationships is that one or both of the folks are usually stressed and they don't really have time for a real relationship. 20 texts a day? That's 20 minutes here and there. A real relationship requires hours a day.

 

So I believe you're asking the wrong questions. The question you should be asking is, is he breaking up with me? And I think the answer is yes.

I second this and I'm someone who experienced the same type of thing. After my experience, I would not continue this relationship, just not worth the hurt. My LDR ex was actually not busy and the communication sucked, when we were together (met up 3 times), everything was like a normal relationship. I was very lonely in the relationship and that wasn't just the distance. You do deserve WAY better and when you find someone who does prioritize you, that will feel amazing. No matter how busy someone is, if they want to, they will make time for you. I met my current bf about 6 months later and not only is he close, I have a real relationship w/him. We text everyday quite a bit and he makes time for me despite his busy schedule. Things will prob not improve, usually they get worse. I talked to my ex several times and he promised to do better, he never did. If you stay, this relationship will drain you.

Sadly you seem more into the relationship then he is. I know how hurtful that can be, if I had showed a little patience when everything started I have a feeling that I would have never gone down to see the guy.

My boyfriend and I are both 26 and have been officially dating since the start of the year. We finally (after many months of changed plans) managed to meet [...].

No, you were not dating, you were fantasy-building with a digital stranger.

Honestly, I've kicked and screamed about it because I assumed the worst. I am surprised he hasn't left me yet

 

He doesn't need to leave, he's already gone. You're the only one who's invested, and you're wasting your time.

 

Sure, it's hard to break up with a fantasy because real life can't compete with the stuff we can create with the mind, but unless you want to live only in your own head, step away from the keypad and grasp that this has been like reading a good book--but it's not living.

 

Head high, write more if it helps, but your best bet is to stop deluding yourself.

What you had was essentially an online fantasy. He already tried to end that before you came, but you came anyway. Now that you've finally met face to face, he is slowly dropping off the radar. If you are honest, what you are missing the most is the constant ping of the text's, aka perceived attention, which can be as addicting as drugs. As for not being a burden to his time.....I mean you aren't even in the same city....not like you are asking for dates, you already aren't there and only "maintenance" he needs to do is the 30 seconds it takes to send a few messages. You couldn't impose less on his time if you tried.

 

Personally, I think he enjoys the idea of having someone out there somewhere......without the actual work actual dating would require because he is not at a point in life where he can sustain dating, let alone a real relationship. This quasi-fantasy works for him at this time and the distance is perfect because you aren't actually around. If/when his life situation improves, I do think he'll drop you like a hot rock and find someone to date locally. So in your shoes, sure you may wish to carry on, but don't call this a relationship and never ever again consider yourself to be in a relationship with someone you've never even met before. You can keep this guy in the back pocket, but expand your search locally and start going out on actual dates.

I had actually met him many times, we share a group of mutual friends where he lives which is near where I grew up and have family. I have family engagements that bring me to his area occasionally also so I get to see my friends every year or two.

He was dropping off the radar before I came to visit and has explained that this is because he needs to redirect his focus elsewhere for the time being. We've been close friends for about a year and a half, and half of that time agreeing to be exclusively together, so I know that there are times where he does have to withdraw a bit but in the past it hasn't been such a shift from constant communication to nearly nothing.

From what you described, I would guess that the relationship is over and you don't want to admit it to yourself. You're making excuses for him, and it seems like you're so desperate for love that you will put up with anything, which is not a good basis for a relationship.

 

A lot of these Internet relationships (it's not an LDR) go off the rails when the two people finally meet each other. I've only been on ENA only for two months, but I think I've read at least five accounts like yours, that when the two people finally meet, and they usually have sex, then it's all over. As long as it's on the Internet, it's as if the relationship is a beautiful fantasy. But when it becomes real, the fantasy crumbles. That's why it's so important to meet people in real life and date people in your area. I just read that 55% of communication is non verbal, and you're missing that entire communications channel by not being there in person.

 

Another aspect of these relationships is that one or both of the folks are usually stressed and they don't really have time for a real relationship. 20 texts a day? That's 20 minutes here and there. A real relationship requires hours a day.

 

So I believe you're asking the wrong questions. The question you should be asking is, is he breaking up with me? And I think the answer is yes.

I have asked that question multiple times of both myself and of him, and he reverts back to the explanation that he needs space right now but that we've agreed to continue (which I think means about a phone call a week and messaging every few days). He just isn't as involved in my life right now as he was before, but he is still there so it doesn't seem like a complete break up. We both felt this was the better option to breaking up and acknowledge that the future is something neither of us can predict, i.e. uncharted territory and hope for the best. I have not been with someone who ticks all my boxes the way that he does, so I am inclined to give things a shot but also not deluding myself into thinking that everything will be perfect.

We didn't go off the rails after meeting. His communication was gradually declining before we met. I am inclined to say it's more of an LDR than an internet relationship since we didn't meet via the internet - we met via mutual friends and have known each other for about 7 years but only became close about 18 mths ago (communication via social media/skype/phone calls) leading to exclusivity at the start of this year. So there are social ties there. Interestingly very little changed or felt different being in person since we have spent a lot of time with the courting/bonding - I thought something would change and there'd be some surprises. There weren't. It was just easy and felt like we'd known each other forever - we have known each other a long time and been updated on each other's lives via mutual friends. He's certainly not a stranger

As I said in my OP, it's not a break up but a clear deprioritisation. I do want to read into it at times and assume that it's over and he just doesn't want to tell me, but he's told me very clearly that he just needs to step back for a while and that we agreed to certain conditions

He doesn't need to run for the hills because he is already there ....he doesn't see you because it is LD , he has made it clear he needs space for all his other stuff and he has backed right off ...there is nothing holding this together my darling but your dreams .

Hopes and history

How many times have you two met in person?

 

How much time have you/do you spend physically together?

Per second last post, met many times and have mutual friends, known each other 7 years and have social ties. But since being a couple? Just recently. And not again until January when I am visiting my hometown to spread my mother's ashes and we intend to spend about a week together then

No, you were not dating, you were fantasy-building with a digital stranger.

 

 

 

He doesn't need to leave, he's already gone. You're the only one who's invested, and you're wasting your time.

 

Sure, it's hard to break up with a fantasy because real life can't compete with the stuff we can create with the mind, but unless you want to live only in your own head, step away from the keypad and grasp that this has been like reading a good book--but it's not living.

 

Head high, write more if it helps, but your best bet is to stop deluding yourself.

He isn't completely gone, but has backed off considerably. I'm used to having him constantly there and he now is there for about an hour every few days. As I said in my OP, it doesn't help that I've made it difficult for him particularly in the last few weeks by being upset most of the time, and despite warning me that this was going to happen and probably disliking my attitude, he is still making the effort that he told me he would make

Also not a stranger, per above posts. But certainly there are some elements of fantasy. Am I deluding myself though? I think I am acknowledging my discomfort and concern at the situation how it is, and that it would be easy to assume that he is gone except that he isn't and he has been quite consistent with what we discussed about how things would look during this time

I do appreciate what everyone here is saying, but this is what I mean by half of me wants to read into it (believe that this is a break up) and the other half of me trusts him implicitly because he is in fact doing everything that he told me he would do and gave me plenty of prior warning and explanation. So, that's where I'm at right now. I don't think it's delusional. I think I am well aware that I've been deprioritised and that I either love it or leave it

I guess for me I’d hav to have a pretty solid base relationship before I could deal with any long distance time. Any relationship less than a year and I start distancing myself after a couple days without sex so chronic long distance would just be a quick deal breaker. Unless I was getting it elsewhere and keeping the ldr as a spinning plate.

I guess for me I’d hav to have a pretty solid base relationship before I could deal with any long distance time. Any relationship less than a year and I start distancing myself after a couple days without sex so chronic long distance would just be a quick deal breaker. Unless I was getting it elsewhere and keeping the ldr as a spinning plate.

I know he's not cheating on me. I know his friends and his social circles, and I know his movements when he goes out with friends because it's all over social media. Someone would inform me if he so much as flirted with another woman but he's very honest with me regardless and I trust him implicitly

I know he's not cheating on me. I know his friends and his social circles, and I know his movements when he goes out with friends because it's all over social media. Someone would inform me if he so much as flirted with another woman but he's very honest with me regardless and I trust him implicitly

Well then if you trust him implicitly, then you should trust him when he tells you that nothing is wrong and that he simply has too much on his plate and needs some space. So stop asking him what's wrong and asking him about "us" and actually accept the answers he has already given you and believe him and chill out. Go back to being a fun person, share something cool, interesting or amusing with him as you come across things, but otherwise back off a bit and let him deal with whatever. Don't place expectations on him and don't demand things from him for awhile. See how it goes.

Personally, I still think that asking for space when you are already long distance is goofy because you already have all the space in the world. Only thing I can think of is that he can't text you 20 times a day like he used to. That's not necessarily deprioritizing you, that's actually normal that people can't sustain a ton of contact over time because life will get in the way eventually. Quite frankly, the longer the relationship, the more life will happen and there will definitely be times when other things take priority. Being supportive and a good partner sometimes simply means saying "I understand, go take care of what you need to and I"ll still be here when you are back."

This all seems so unsatisfying and unfulfilling.

His interest level is low, and you need to set yourself a mental timeline as to how long you're willing to participate in this.

EDIT: I just went back and read your previous thread about him (forgot that I actually contributed to that thread too) You two have been on shaky ground for quite some time. What is it you're getting out of this relationship, OP? It doesn't sound like a very happy one.

Well then if you trust him implicitly, then you should trust him when he tells you that nothing is wrong and that he simply has too much on his plate and needs some space. So stop asking him what's wrong and asking him about "us" and actually accept the answers he has already given you and believe him and chill out. Go back to being a fun person, share something cool, interesting or amusing with him as you come across things, but otherwise back off a bit and let him deal with whatever. Don't place expectations on him and don't demand things from him for awhile. See how it goes.

 

Personally, I still think that asking for space when you are already long distance is goofy because you already have all the space in the world. Only thing I can think of is that he can't text you 20 times a day like he used to. That's not necessarily deprioritizing you, that's actually normal that people can't sustain a ton of contact over time because life will get in the way eventually. Quite frankly, the longer the relationship, the more life will happen and there will definitely be times when other things take priority. Being supportive and a good partner sometimes simply means saying "I understand, go take care of what you need to and I"ll still be here when you are back."

Thanks for understanding, I think that's what I need right now is to get my head around it because it's making me insecure. And yeah that is basically what it is - he can't sustain the level of contact that we've been having (i.e.) being on his phone all the time. He has a child, a full-time physical job renovating a number of properties for his family who are helping him raise his child, and a heavy gym schedule/eats 6000 calories a day + all the work that goes into preparing that much food and maintaining the household/groceries/cleaning up after himself and his child. I absolutely understand that life gets in the way. I think I need a slap in the face and a cold hard dose of reality because I've not accepted it and just let all my worries create a rift between us. And despite that he doesn't want to end things. "Space" isn't even his word, it's mine. He has just said that something's gotta give and the other priorities he has can't be what gives right now, so he's gotta cut back with me. I feel like a terrible partner since I have struggled with this so much.

This all seems so unsatisfying and unfulfilling.

 

His interest level is low, and you need to set yourself a mental timeline as to how long you're willing to participate in this.

 

EDIT: I just went back and read your previous thread about him (forgot that I actually contributed to that thread too) You two have been on shaky ground for quite some time. What is it you're getting out of this relationship, OP? It doesn't sound like a very happy one.

Hello, I was wondering if you would chime in

I don't believe it's his interest level which is low, but his ability/readiness to commit when he is already spread thin..if those are separate things (which I believe they are, especially since he reaffirms his level of care for me when I do have time with him)

The shaky ground from the breakup threat did, as you predicted, turn out to be about deeper issues which were his concerns about the current circumstances occurring and how this would affect us. I think he didn't want to put me through this, honestly, but I agreed to step back and be supportive (and then failed to adjust to the changes that he had told me were coming).

I recognise a lot of room for personal growth here, and I certainly do not blame him for this situation despite the fact that I may not like it. I can't think of a better way that he could have handled it. He has done his best in communicating and managing my expectations while trying to salvage the relationship. The biggest thing stopping me from being happy right now is my insecurity, and that's not his responsibility - he really has tried to do the right thing by me at every step. I deeply respect him for that

I agree with you that being unhappy is a very valid reason to leave. However there is so much potential for this relationship if this is, as he says, just a temporary roadblock. I've recently learned that a family friend has a holiday home near him that is unoccupied much of the year and may rent it to me cheaply if I were to spend time there. I have friends and family there, and I grew up there, so moving there eventually wouldn't be difficult for me (and he's considered moving here). As for him as a person, apart from being a good man in general, I haven't experienced the depth of friendship and intellectual/emotional compatibility that we have before. Even if we weren't together, I don't think either of us could bear the thought of losing the friendship (but of course, that's what would happen if we split up).

But I think the biggest thing right now is personal growth. I've been considered quite strong minded and resilient by people in my life, but that's nothing compared to what he has been. It's brought tears to my eyes writing this because I love and respect him so much. I know that he occasionally gets tears thinking about me too. So I can't bring myself to leave right now when I know that I have to work on myself before I could justify that

It may be disheartening, but it's certainly not unfulfilling

I wish I was able to be a better partner but I am lacking confidence (and skills?)