He hates me

My boyfriend dumped me a few days ago and moved out of our apartment. He wants me to leave instead but I am on the lease and do not want to disrupt my son's last year of pre-school. I cannot afford to live on my own and stay in his school district. We had a very bad couple of months. He's been angry with me and I have been way to pushy with him. I don't know when to just leave him alone, I always push it to far thinking I can somehow fix it, somehow rewind it. No he adamantly hates me. He has said it, he has told me I he is disgusted by me and never wants to see me again. I had hoped this was temporary but after a few of the typically begging, pleading texts and emails it seems he legitimately hates me. This may be the worse pain I have ever felt. As I still love him very much. I dont know how to handle it, I dont know how to keep it all together. And I dont know how I am going to pay the bills in this apartment without his help.

Keeping it together during work and especially for my sweet 4 year old son is the hardest part. The pretending, the checking out. Hiding the tears. I just want him to come home. I know he is still here after I leave in the morning to shower and on his lunch breaks so there is evidence of him all around. He has it in his head I am staying out of spite when I just dont make enough money to qualify for another apartment in this area nd keep my son in his good school. I am a mess. I dont want to feel this way anymore.

Oh dear. Try your best to maintain your composure for your son.

And try to keep his life right now as routine as possible.

Do you maybe have a friend who can move in to help?

Is his name on lease also? If so he is still responsible for at least his portion of the rent.

Is there any family or friends, church or community groups that can assist you?

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

Showing anger means he cares. He might be done with the relationship, but he isn't taking this lightly.

Do not beg and plead and be needy any longer. Do not try to speak with him if you cannot control

your emotions. Men are pushed away by crying and what they consider "drama".

There isn't much you can do right now except to make yourself and your son your priority.

It's good you recognize your behavior, however sometimes it is too late to repair the damage.

You can learn from it, and change so as to avoid it in the future.

I have no support system at all. None of my family lives here and I dont have many close friends. I have been with him for 2 years.... Yes he is still on the lease but says he wont pay it or come back as long as I am here. He also is saying he wont pay the utilities but all his stuff is here and he is still spending at leas some time every day here. I dont want to fight him on it. I just want him to come home. I cannot believe he hates me to this degree. I cannot believe I messed this up so bad. My anxiety over going through day after day after day feeling this way is to much to bear.

I have no support system at all. None of my family lives here and I dont have many close friends. I have been with him for 2 years.... Yes he is still on the lease but says he wont pay it or come back as long as I am here. He also is saying he wont pay the utilities but all his stuff is here and he is still spending at leas some time every day here. I dont want to fight him on it. I just want him to come home. I cannot believe he hates me to this degree. I cannot believe I messed this up so bad. My anxiety over going through day after day after day feeling this way is to much to bear.

I know how hard this is for you, but you must pull yourself together.

You have a little boy who needs his mom to be really strong for him right now.

Your focus cannot be on getting him to come back. If he is any kind of a decent man, he will not

stop paying the lease and utilities while your son is living there with you.

He can be held responsible by the court for not paying, but that is a tedious process in and of itself.

Right now forget the relationship. Focus on finding a place that will be affordable for you.

And like I previously mentioned, reach out in the community. There is help for single mothers.

You are normal to be feeling these emotions. This is all so very recent.

a breakup can feel like a death. You will get through this.

Try not to be too hard on yourself.

He needs time to cool off. Nothing you say or do involving him at this point is going to have any positive effect on his outlook because he is angry and his response to that is a strong need to withdraw. He may be more willing to help financially and speak to you once he has had a chance to take space and calm down. With the amount of tension, if you continue to contact him and ask him for support, it is only going to add fuel to the fire and further prove to him why he needs to get away.

Your best option right now is to take things day by day and be resourceful. Make a Plan A, Plan B and Plan C that don't involve his input - anything you do that demands his assistance is only going to put more pressure on the situation right now. You absolutely must take the time to work out a solution that doesn't depend on what he does. That's the only way you have a chance to have a positive contribution from him moving forward anyway. Does this make a bit of sense to you?

This is a normal reaction/dynamic for a lot of men in relationships. They withdraw and we chase. It's a dynamic created from when we're children and raised into gender roles. You see it among kids your son's age all the time too. The little boy wants to be cool and play with cars, the little girl is chasing him down for a pretend marriage. Problem is, when it comes to adult relationships these behaviours become really toxic because they signal a lack of respect on both sides. The man isn't respecting the woman's need for validation, the woman isn't respecting the man's need for space, and we just drag ourselves further into this vicious cycle of one pulling away and the other chasing. We can't exactly help that we were raised to deal with conflict and intense feelings by either withdrawing or seeking validation, and when we're in the thick of the emotional warfare that relationships can involve, these things just become default for us and can be very hard to recognise and break the habit.

(For clarity, the roles can be reversed, but it's a very common dynamic for men to be the withdrawer and women to be the chaser)

So, armed with this knowledge, you can probably see how the best way to take back some of your power in this situation is to stop chasing and give him his space to deal with feelings how he sees fit. And that means you're going to need to work on a solution to your financial/lifestyle issues that are independent of his input. I'm sure you can do this, and some of the options may be undesirable and involve pulling your son out of preschool, but this is an important learning curve for you moving forward that you should always ensure you have a backup plan incase the person you're living with can't come through for some reason. What would you do if he was in a serious accident, for example, and was comatose and couldn't make any financial decisions to support you? You need to find a way to provide solutions for yourself

Good luck

Was there an event to brought everything to a head?

Why does he hate you? What happened?

He is way more of a loner than I. I want family (probably since I have none). He wanted space, he wanted to be alone and I took it personally. My feelings were always hurt. He would ask me to leave him alone during fights and I wouldnt. I keep thinking I could fix it. I mean this is a man who loves me right? And so the more I pushed the more angry and cruel he became until it was not longer a fight or conversation. It was I leave him alone or he is leaving me. I have anxiety and had a very bad couple of months coming down off my meds I was taking and I did all the wrongs things. I didnt leave him alone, I reached for him constantly. To ease my pain, but by this point he just thought I was crazy and wanted space. We had a very bad fight the other night with the same pattern. Me reaching out,him yelling at me to go away. And I didnt listen. So here I am. A mess, a stupid crazy mess. I should have listened

I don't know the whole situation. But it sounds like he's emotionally abusive....unavailable, withdrawn and controlling. He says mean and hateful things to you. And it sounds like you are codependent and depressed.

You need to find happiness within yourself. Happy whether he is happy or available or not. Happy whether you have a man or relationship or not. Find joy in life that doesn't depend on someone else and their moods or words.

You will attract real love when you show yourself love. THEN when you meet someone who is emotionally available and supportive. Someone who doesn't treat you badly even when times are hard.... You can have a healthy relationship.

Treat yourself with love and tolerance and respect then you won't allow someone to treat you less than you deserve.

My ex husband had all kinds of problems. I never once was mean or treated him like I hated him because he was depressed and even abusive. He was mean to himself and to me. He needed help. I treated him with compassion because I loved him.

When you love someone you don't push them away and then lash out when they don't respond as you demand. You make a decision to find a way to work on things TOGETHER or you leave because you realize the relationship is not the one for you. There is no need to be hateful and treat someone you say you love in such abusive manners. You need to realize that's not love. Love is not cruel.

You can survive without this man. The universe will provide for you when you realize it starts with you. Not him, not his money, not his so called love and not this relationship.

I don't know the whole situation. But it sounds like he's emotionally abusive....unavailable, withdrawn and controlling. He says mean and hateful things to you. And it sounds like you are codependent and depressed.

 

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That's not what I read in this . . interesting.

She admits she tends to be needy and anxious and he's a little more introverted and requires space.

I don't see any abuse going on. He asks for some space and she doesn't respect that and pushes further.

She asks for closeness and his attachment style feels overwhelmed by it and tries to create more space.

It's a challenging mix to over come. Having opposite attachment styles triggers the worst in each other.

Google `Attachment styles'

For me, learning about them helped me see things differently.

I got approved for another apartment today. I told him he has to pay the pro rated rent if he wants me to leave (I don't have it) ahd he already paid the deposit. I feel like I'm dying. I don't want to move, I don't want to squeeze me and my son into a tiny 1 bedroom. I don't want any of this to be happening. He told me that I did this to myself and to go to hell today.

I got approved for another apartment today. I told him he has to pay the pro rated rent if he wants me to leave (I don't have it) ahd he already paid the deposit. I feel like I'm dying. I don't want to move, I don't want to squeeze me and my son into a tiny 1 bedroom. I don't want any of this to be happening. He told me that I did this to myself and to go to hell today.

He is angry and needs his space.

Moving will help you heal, you won't have the constant reminder of him as you have now.

Go NC after you move. If he decides when he calms down to reach out to you, he will.

If not, you will eventually be in a better place emotionally because of it.

Focus on yourself and your child. You don't need a big place to live, if you make

the space you have a happy and safe one for him.

I feel for you! And take strength in knowing everyone who has read this is also pulling for you. Squeeze in an apartment, eat rice and beans, live moment to moment. Slow down. Meditate when​ you can, and find comfort in the control you have now. And love. Love. Love. Radiate it towards your son and yourself. What you are doing takes courage, strength, grit. Love is the answer, always. In this case love yourself. You deserve it really!! Let him go with grace, and love. And who cares if he regrets it or not. You win because you loved.

That's not what I read in this . . interesting.

 

She admits she tends to be needy and anxious and he's a little more introverted and requires space.

I don't see any abuse going on. He asks for some space and she doesn't respect that and pushes further.

She asks for closeness and his attachment style feels overwhelmed by it and tries to create more space.

 

It's a challenging mix to over come. Having opposite attachment styles triggers the worst in each other.

 

Google `Attachment styles'

For me, learning about them helped me see things differently.

Who tells someone they love that they "disgust them" ...? And accuses them of "staying out of spite"?

I'm glad you found a place for yourself and your child. That's amazing! You can survive this. I'm so sorry that you are hurting and I truly truly wish you solace and peace in the near future. You are a special person and deserve that and more.

Sending you light and love.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all the support. He ended up calming down after a week on his friends couch and came home. We are not back to normal quite yet but we are trying. I can only hope it will stick this time but I am realistic, I just want to get through the holidays and perhaps the rest of this lease in peace. Maybe it's weak to stay, maybe it's strong to stay so my son can continue with his stable situation. I don't know, I just know I am going to keep working on myself and hope for the best. Work on caring for me and my son. Instead of putting my energy into him and his moods put it into mine instead. Fingers crossed