Is this a case of Emotional Affair?

Hi. Me [22] and my gf [22] (now ex) were together for 4 years. During the last 2 years, she met a guy through a mutual friend. Soon they became best friends and used to hang out occasionally. It was surprising that some other guy became her best friend because I should be her best friend, isn't it? I always considered her my best friend. I didn't like it but didn't want to control her so went with that - I trusted her. Though I still used to get irritated by that sometimes - but she ALWAYS assured me that they are only friends and that she can never fall for a guy like him and that he's not her type. During the last year of our relationship, things started to go downhill (constant fights, arguments, etc) - and one day she came and told me that she is in love with that dude and that they both have ALREADY confessed about their feelings for each other over the phone (nothing physical though). I'll admit that I was not the best boyfriend you'll see but I was not too bad either. She blamed me that the reason she fell for him is because I didn't love her enough. And then she broke up with me. I am still heartbroken. I feel sad that she didn't choose to tell me about her feelings for the other guy BEFORE confessing it to him - is it wrong to feel like that?

What she did was really cheating or I deserved that for not being a better boyfriend? Please help...

P.S. - Pardon my English, I'm not a native.

No, you did not deserve that.

It took time for her to develop those feelings, and she made the decision to allow it to happen.

Emotional affairs are far more damaging than physical affairs are.

Had she been certain of you, she would not crossed the line of friendship with him.

Let her go. You cannot force anyone to be with you nor love you.

Yes, it was an emotional affair - and she is responsible for her own part in it, not you. As you say, if things were going wrong in your relationship it would have been nice if she'd talked to you about it, so you could do something about it, rather than going to him.

She blamed me that the reason she fell for him is because I didn't love her enough.

People who have physical affairs frequently blame their partners for their own infidelity; it's so that they don't have to feel guilty for the way they've treated their partners - that's all. You cannot possibly be responsible for the fact she fell for someone else!!!

Hi! Thank you for replying..

You're right that one cannot be forced to love us or be with us.

She told me that the realization of feelings for the other dude happened just 3 days before they confessed and a week before she told me everything. Is she lying? Are you sure that it is an Emotional Affair?

Hi! Thank you for replying..

You're right that one cannot be forced to love us or be with us.

She told me that the realization of feelings for the other dude happened just 3 days before they confessed and a week before she told me everything. Is she lying? Are you sure that it is an Emotional Affair?

It is definitely an emotional affair.

I can guess what happened: the two of you were fighting slot, she turned to him,

and he comforted her. Thus becoming her "savior" and " guiding light".

Her safe place. The one who understood her.

In reality she should have been working it out with you instead of leaning on him.

I'm a female, that's why I strongly feel this is what happened.

You are both so young. You were together since the age of 18.

Move on to new experiences. It's so hard to let go, especially when you were betrayed,

but in this case it's the only thing you can do.

It is definitely an emotional affair.

 

I can guess what happened: the two of you were fighting slot, she turned to him,

and he comforted her. Thus becoming her "savior" and " guiding light".

Her safe place. The one who understood her.

 

In reality she should have been working it out with you instead of leaning on him.

I'm a female, that's why I strongly feel this is what happened.

 

You are both so young. You were together since the age of 18.

Move on to new experiences. It's so hard to let go, especially when you were betrayed,

but in this case it's the only thing you can do.

You're so right! This is exactly how it happened. And at the end after things got ugly post-breakup, she told me that I was the worst boyfriend of the world and that the other dude is finally the "true love" she has always wanted. But I remember her saying all the time that she's so lucky to have me... I guess that's her way of blame shifting maybe?

You seem really good at understanding relationships.

Yes, it was an emotional affair - and she is responsible for her own part in it, not you. As you say, if things were going wrong in your relationship it would have been nice if she'd talked to you about it, so you could do something about it, rather than going to him.

 

People who have physical affairs frequently blame their partners for their own infidelity; it's so that they don't have to feel guilty for the way they've treated their partners - that's all. You cannot possibly be responsible for the fact she fell for someone else!!!

Hi, thanks for replying..

What if I was really made a lot of mistakes and didn't make her feel loved being the worst boyfriend of the world, is it still not my fault that she had an emotional affair?

Hi, thanks for replying..

What if I was really made a lot of mistakes and didn't make her feel loved being the worst boyfriend of the world, is it still not my fault that she had an emotional affair?

Ideally, she would have talked about it. If she'd told you repeatedly that something you did upset her, and you'd ignored her and carried on anyway, that would probably have caused a breakup when she got fed up with it.

The other guy is a totally separate issue. You can't 'make' someone fall in love with someone else. The world would be a very different place if you could!

You're so right! This is exactly how it happened. And at the end after things got ugly post-breakup, she told me that I was the worst boyfriend of the world and that the other dude is finally the "true love" she has always wanted. But I remember her saying all the time that she's so lucky to have me... I guess that's her way of blame shifting maybe?

 

You seem really good at understanding relationships.

She's saying that to you out of anger and to make you hurt, as she feels you hurt her.

That's why it's best not to talk when angry.

Don't take it personally. No one stays angry forever.

And her actions are not a reflection of you, they are choices she made.

She's saying that to you out of anger and to make you hurt, as she feels you hurt her.

That's why it's best not to talk when angry.

 

Don't take it personally. No one stays angry forever.

And her actions are not a reflection of you, they are choices she made.

Thank you for all the help. You are now my personal superhero on this website!

Thank you for all the help. You are now my personal superhero on this website!

 

Aww, thank you!

Wisdom speaking, lol

 

I wish you much happiness

People generally tend to follow their emotions and then try and use logic to justify them. So she had emotions for some guy, and blamed it on you....

That guy was pretending to be her friend and she knew it. Girls have an amazing radar and can tell when a guy is into them about 100 times more than a guy. So if she was girlfriend material she should have cut him out of the picture. Since she didn't it is HER loss.

I personally cannot stand a woman that would tell me some guy is just a 'friend' even though he has no respect for you and is trying to get in her pants yet she calls and hangs out. That is not acceptable in my book...and probably for anyone that has some self respect...

So...say you are back together with her...you are married 10 years and have a little difficult time in the marriage (like 99.9% of the population at some point)...so she is just going to get close to some guy and blame you again? Nah...I'd pass and find a girl that has more respect..

Now...if she knew feelings could develop and she made the effort and totally cut that guy out of the picture for respect for your relationship...well...that would be a keeper....if not, say goodbye and there are PLENTY of attractive women out there...

People generally tend to follow their emotions and then try and use logic to justify them. So she had emotions for some guy, and blamed it on you....

 

That guy was pretending to be her friend and she knew it. Girls have an amazing radar and can tell when a guy is into them about 100 times more than a guy. So if she was girlfriend material she should have cut him out of the picture. Since she didn't it is HER loss.

 

I personally cannot stand a woman that would tell me some guy is just a 'friend' even though he has no respect for you and is trying to get in her pants yet she calls and hangs out. That is not acceptable in my book...and probably for anyone that has some self respect...

 

So...say you are back together with her...you are married 10 years and have a little difficult time in the marriage (like 99.9% of the population at some point)...so she is just going to get close to some guy and blame you again? Nah...I'd pass and find a girl that has more respect..

 

Now...if she knew feelings could develop and she made the effort and totally cut that guy out of the picture for respect for your relationship...well...that would be a keeper....if not, say goodbye and there are PLENTY of attractive women out there...

Hey thanks for the reply!

Actually there's a bit more detail. That guy had a gf too, and he used to hang out with my ex as "best friends". Though, at the end, that guy was on a break of 2 months with his gf when he confessed his feelings for my ex to which my ex reciprocated and shortly after a few days revealed everything to me followed by breaking up with me. Is she really at fault here? Because our relationship wasn't going good at all and I certainly wasn't the best bf.

It is normal for a GF to have male friends. Best friends? Maybe that's a bit odd since you are supposed to be friends as well as lovers.

Anyway, back to the original point. Women (and men) get something out of each friend that they have that they don't necessarily get from their other friends or indeed their partners. that too is fine.

Where it crosses the boundary is where a male friend becomes your girlfriend's "shoulder-to-cry-on". That spells trouble. If your relationship is going through tough times, YOU are the person she should be taking to, and failing that her girlfriends. There is too much danger in doing that with a guy friend as your case has shown.

Move on. You don't see it now but you are better off.