I am pregnant and my boyfriend wont marry me

Hi all,

Two weeks ago, we found out that I was pregnant, even though I had been using UID. So it was a total shock to us. I am Turkish descent and my family still goes by Turkish culture. So it is totally unacceptable to have a baby without marriage.

My boyfriend had been asking me to move in for about 6 months now. And i had been saying no because I wanted to be engaged before I live with someone. So now being pregnant is a game changer...

I told him how my parents would despise me, and how i wouldnt be able to proudly tell anyone of my side that i am pregnant. I asked that we get engaged. And he said he doesnt want to rush into things and just because i am pregnant he doesnt want to go ahead and get engaged.

He is 34 and I am 26. Don’t rush for what? What are we even waiting on? His lack of support to me in this sense made me feel very unloved. And i am not talking to him now.

What should I do?

I'm sorry I agree with him ....

If he isn't ready to get married nothing you do will change that. He needs to want to get married or else the marriage isn't going to even help anything.

Having a child is not enough of a reason to get married. That is a big reason a lot of marriages fail.

Sorry but I agree with him.

How long have you been together, OP?

You need to speak with your gyno. Getting pregnant on an IUD is supposed to be VERY difficult.

How long have you been together, OP?

We been together for 14-15 months.

You need to speak with your gyno. Getting pregnant on an IUD is supposed to be VERY difficult.

I got the IUD removed the moment we found out I was pregnant. Now we are waiting to go see dr again to see if the pregnancy is going okay.

I know the risks...

I got the IUD removed the moment we found out I was pregnant. Now we are waiting to go see dr again to see if the pregnancy is going okay.

 

I know the risks...

That's not what I meant.

How did you get pregnant with an IUD. That's a conversation you need to have.

Having baby don't mean you guy have to marry.... We understand your culture but you have to understand his....

He also been asking you to move in with him for 6 month now and you haven't and he been waiting on your decision or when your ready....

sooo it goes the same way he is not ready for marriage, just like you wasn't ready to move in with him.

, I believe you should just confront you family or get a abortion.

not saying a abortion is a good thing but if you believe you not ready for a change or the gult your family might give you or him walking out or anything.....just avoid the baby.........or just face your responsibility & confront your family and wait until he is ready....

In your previous thread you were talking about how much you two fight, how he has told you that you have anger issues that you need to take care of, etc.

So, until you actually take care of those things, fix yourself and show him that you can be a reliably stable and pleasant partner, he is not going to marry you.

Bringing a baby into a situation where the two parents can't get along and are constantly arguing would be a disaster and he recognizes that. When it's like that, it's better for the parents to be apart.

Also, you can't impose your parents' old world values on modern day society and attitudes. Sure they might be upset, but in the end, they have no choice but to accept the situation and adapt. The old days of forcing a man into marriage if he gets the woman pregnant are gone.

We aren’t fighting anymore. I been a lot calmer and understanding. But him not wanting to make a commitment to me although we are pregnant, and thats what i want makes me feel like I got rejected on my proposal. And now I am considering if I can take care of this baby by myself.

I think him not wanting to get engaged to me means he doesnt love me enough to make a commitment. Which brings down my self esteem and takes away from my woman pride. I am sorry but i do wish to live in an era when men actually did take care of their woman and their kids. This whole new modern world ways are just recipe for a failure.

I see marriages that are made 5-10 years after dating. Nothing guarantees a lasting marriage other than committed people.

I see marriages that are made 5-10 years after dating. Nothing guarantees a lasting marriage other than committed people.

Correct. But an unforeseen pregnancy doesn't guarantee a commitment. So take the marriage proposal off the table.

Hi Atlantis,

I haven't read any of your other threads so I am coming to this fresh and without previous convictions here, sorry if I come across ignorant.

Maybe I'm coming at this from a different angle because I'm married and pregnant but, just as an observation, it takes two to tango. You were on birth control, that's true, but I don't mean to state the obvious but when two people have sex, a man and a woman, there is a small but still possible outcome of pregnancy, even if you take precautions. It's very, very small, almost impossible if you take the right precautions, but sorry to sound old fashioned but men and women have to realise when they have sex they are teetering on this line of possibility. I think men especially must realise that if this were to happen, they must be ready to step up in some way or another (not necessarily marriage, but they should be willing to support and help raise the baby).

It's happened and you can't go back and change the hands of time. I disagree with the alchemist - I really don't think having children is the cause for relationship break ups or divorces. I think if you're going to break up or get divorced the cracks are already there probably long before you bring children into the world. Children just add some more pressure, but often, the people I know, have told me if your relationship is strong and good and you love each other, a baby will only bring you closer in more ways than one. Not that that is the reason to ever have a child, of course. Or should be, anyway.

But by the sounds of it, things aren't going so great between you both? And this really, urgently needs sorting if possible before you make any big decisions. You both have to have a really honest, open conversation with each other, a heart to heart, on what you want to fix, if you think this will work, what you both want out of a relationship and if you both want to be together forever. I know it sounds corny but you both must want the same thing out of the relationship for it to work and this will require some painful honesty.

I do agree, it's better for parents to be separate and happy than arguing and together, for the sake of a child. I also agree with others that you cannot force your parents traditions on your partner - this really isn't fair, you would hope he wouldn't do this to you. He should though, take into account how much tradition may mean to YOU, and if it matters to you, not your parents.

I find men often fail to step up and be a man, so to speak, in these situations. You are pregnant, and if you would like to go ahead with the pregnancy, he will and should always be part of your life in some regard (married or not) to help you raise your baby together. This should be the worst case scenario.

I also disagree with someone talking about abortion as if it's something you just flip a coin and do. As someone who has been through a chemical abortion (the foetus was only very, very young, it was like having a miscarriage very early on in a pregnancy), I can say this is not a light decision and sometimes not a decision a woman wants to go through at all. It's both your decision what you do, you both must talk very long and hard about this (shutting him out is so bad, it won't help anything, it'll just make things even worse), and you must reach a joint decision that you both agree on.

Whatever you decide to do, best of luck and I hope you can both be open and honest with each other - it may create an outcome you don't want, but at least you'll know where he stands, or, he may surprise you and with honesty and determination you might be able to both, jointly, together, work through this. No one knows about your relationship but you, and you must use your own judgement to decide where you go from here.

Best of luck,

Lo x

Correct. But an unforeseen pregnancy doesn't guarantee a commitment. So take the marriage proposal off the table.

Just to echo reinventmyself, I think this is sound advice.

Your partner has already had the shock of a pregnancy, the stress and force of marriage as well as this on someone who wasn't ready for marriage or a baby in the first place will probably be too much.

On the flip side, if you both work things through you may find he might come round once the news settles in. This will only happen if he deep down knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I have known marriages that have been shot gun, so to speak, where the woman fell unexpectedly pregnant (my parents era, 70's and 80's) that have lasted 30 years and some that ended in divorce after 2. I think the secret is, both people have to want it equally, and the baby has to be only a push that speeds what would have been the natural course of things along. If you are pressuring him when he already has all of this news on his shoulders it may make him buckle with the stress of it all.

Lo x

We aren’t fighting anymore. I been a lot calmer and understanding. But him not wanting to make a commitment to me although we are pregnant, and thats what i want makes me feel like I got rejected on my proposal. And now I am considering if I can take care of this baby by myself.

 

I think him not wanting to get engaged to me means he doesnt love me enough to make a commitment. Which brings down my self esteem and takes away from my woman pride. I am sorry but i do wish to live in an era when men actually did take care of their woman and their kids. This whole new modern world ways are just recipe for a failure.

 

I see marriages that are made 5-10 years after dating. Nothing guarantees a lasting marriage other than committed people.

Well....you may think that you have become much better and more understanding, but looking from the outside in......I don't quite see it. Meaning that you seem to have this marriage or bust mentality which is resulting in this intense pressure and emotional blackmailing of your partner to marry you. It might not even be consciously intentional on your part, but I bet your partner feels a great deal of resentment about this.

Think about it - I won't live you unless you marry me, I don't believe you love me unless you marry me, my family expects you to marry me, I'm pregnant so now you must marry me, etc. It's emotional blackmail like it or not. Now put yourself in his shoes - if you were getting pressured like that, would you be rushing to marry this person or would you be wondering if this person really loves you or just wants marriage regardless of who it's with and no matter what? Would you become maybe a bit concerned and resentful of this pressure?

He already knows how you feel about marriage and what you want. You might want to actually back off this subject completely for a good long time, give your partner some breathing room and show him that you care about him rather than just marriage or bust.

First and foremost, this isnt a situation I would wish on anyone. I am sorry for the immense amount of stress this is causing you as well as your partner.

With that preface, I feel the need to drive the point home that the child (should you choose to keep it), is the innocent party in this mess.

From personal experience, two parents staying with each other for the sake of the child is something you dont want to inflict on them. My father grew up without a mother and even though ny parents despised each other, my father stayed with my mom because he wanted me to have a two parent household like he didn't have. My childhood was traumatic beyond belief because my patents hated each other: waking up at 6am hearing my parents cuss, scream, and wish each other dead on nearly a daily basis is not okay; and Im talking from age 5 to 14.

Please, please, PLEASE consider what this could do to your child if your boyfriend is "forced" into a marriage for the sake of a child.

One last sentiment, wouldnt you want a man that is so head over heels he can't wait to make you his wife? Rather than being forced into a marriage because a child is in the picture?

I know it hurts, but I'm sure your boyfriend is hurting over you not wanting to commit to a trial live in situation. However you are both adults and have made your choices, please consider what this could do to your potential child.

I wish you both the best.

Thanks for all wonderful replies. I dont seem to understand the need to wait to get married. To me, this is an emergency situation. I think extremely different about this. I asked him to give me some time. If he doesnt love me enough to make a commitment now, he wont ever will.

I think i have to reconsider mh relationship with hjm. I am sure he will be a good dad. But he is not a good lover to me now

My 2 cents: I know someone close who was in this exact situation. Dating a Turkish woman, she got pregnant. Slapped him when he said he wasn't ready for marriage. So they married. Lasted about 5 years with enormous amounts of fighting. Eventually they could not stand to be in the same room with each other even for the sake of the kid. They are now divorcing bitterly.

My 2 cents: I know someone close who was in this exact situation. Dating a Turkish woman, she got pregnant. Slapped him when he said he wasn't ready for marriage. So they married. Lasted about 5 years with enormous amounts of fighting. Eventually they could not stand to be in the same room with each other even for the sake of the kid. They are now divorcing bitterly.

It's true, you can't pressure a man into it, even if he goes through with it his heart won't be in it and it never makes for a happy one.

Lo x

All you need is for your father to buy a shotgun. Used to work back in the day.

On a serious note. I am against abortions - but in this case... it really might be your best option. Also, if your family does not approve of your lifestyle, and you wish to get married prior to having kids, etc etc. Maybe you should not be having sex prior to getting married, unless you are willing to have an abortion if it comes down to it... it is what it is. You can't force a man to marry you, that will make matters worse, not better.

Unfortunately, making him marry you when he doesn't want to will end one way: divorce.

I think i am upset that he doesnt want to do it already. I wont pressure him for anything. I am just sad and upset over the situation i put myself in. I hope the stress i feel doesn’t affect the baby

I think i am upset that he doesnt want to do it already. I wont pressure him for anything. I am just sad and upset over the situation i put myself in. I hope the stress i feel doesn’t affect the baby

Hi Atlantis,

Many women have faced this problem, got through it and lived to tell the tale - you're not the only one. Don't lose hope and don't lose sight - remember the positive out of this situation is, some women can't have children, and even though your baby is an accident at the moment, remember some women would give their left legs to be in your situation they want a baby that bad.

You're young, whatever happens as long as you want to do right by your baby and want to bring your baby up with a father and as long as he is willing to be there to support in some way or form, even if it isn't marriage, that is a whole lot better than some children get. Obviously it's not your perfect situation, but life is hardly ever perfect and honestly there is never a perfect moment to have a baby; even when planned, it still comes with stress, financial pressure and other issues. You both have your health and your baby is fine. Try and focus on the positives for now until you can work out some kind of arrangement with your partner regarding support etc.

Lo x

Why would you force marriage on anyone?

It takes two to tango yes, but just cos you're pregnant, doesn't mean he owes you a proposal.

Hi Atlantis,

 

Many women have faced this problem, got through it and lived to tell the tale - you're not the only one. Don't lose hope and don't lose sight - remember the positive out of this situation is, some women can't have children, and even though your baby is an accident at the moment, remember some women would give their left legs to be in your situation they want a baby that bad.

 

You're young, whatever happens as long as you want to do right by your baby and want to bring your baby up with a father and as long as he is willing to be there to support in some way or form, even if it isn't marriage, that is a whole lot better than some children get. Obviously it's not your perfect situation, but life is hardly ever perfect and honestly there is never a perfect moment to have a baby; even when planned, it still comes with stress, financial pressure and other issues. You both have your health and your baby is fine. Try and focus on the positives for now until you can work out some kind of arrangement with your partner regarding support etc.

 

Lo x

Thank you for all your replies. You help me feel better. I know this baby is blessing. I am thankful. I know i have to be strong. Maybe i need to have a good conversation with my bf and find out what is going through his head.