My subconscious flirting ruining marriage

I have been married for two years to a wonderful man. In our first year of dating, we had a huge rough patch because I was flirting with our coworkers— no cheating, no touching, but playful flirting and the worst part was I wasn’t aware I was doing it. I was adamant that I wasn’t until my (now) husband gave me a play-by-play of my behavior. We talked for months, and I became very cognizant of how I was talking to folks, making sure I wasn’t being suggestive, etc.

Flash forward to now, and my husband brought up the same issue. I’ve been depressed for the past two months, and that has strained our relationship and killed our sex life. However, I feel like I had made a breakthrough and was ready to be intimate with my husband and last week we had sex for the first time in a month. Two days later, we were at a bar for a friend’s party and I got way too drunk and flirted with a friend of a friend— a mutual friend pointed it out to me as well a day later. Also, I was talking to a male coworker and didn’t introduce him to my husband (we both typically introduce each other right off the bat). Why am I doing this? Why is my stress response to flirt? Why am I doing things I know harm my relationship but can’t even recognize my actions until after the fact? I feel terrible for causing my husband grief and making him feel insecure and inadequate.

Maybe you don't have a problem and its in your natural behavior to flirt. Recognizing that and not thinking about it would probably actually minimize it.

How do you not know you are flirting?

Its obvious to everyone around you, so why isnt it obvious to you?

What is "playful flirting" to you? You said you are being careful not to be suggestive. Are you sure it was playful?

It sounds like you just need a lot of attention, and getting that attention gives you the endorphin boost needed to get through your "depression". Have you been officially diagnosed, or is depression another word for "sad" you you? On any medication?

Well I don't know what you consider flirting...

My wife can be a huge flirt sometimes but that has never bothered me. It is just her nature. Flirting has a pretty thin red line for people on what is acceptable and what isn't.

Now if she randomly flirted with people she just met and she hasn't disclosed that she was married that wouldn't bother me at all. If she is flirting with someone that she has known for awhile and still hadn't disclosed she was married I might get annoyed.

It is really hard for me to judge the acceptability of the flirt without seeing it first hand.

I will say though that if many of your friends think it is an unacceptable level of flirting then I would analyze my behavior very thoroughly.