I want to study abruad, feel guilt to leave my mother completly alone

Hey guys, I would like to say a nice hello as a newbie here. I am following reddit for a long time, and today I need you help.

I am 22yo recently graduated guy who after diploma applied for masters in same university, same field. I am truly disappointed by lectures and classes so far and want to switch university, move abroad to study masters.

The thing is that I feel very guilty and ty about leaving my mother. She is in a process of a divorce (my father (openly) cheated on her for more than 6 months, leaving her an emotional wreck, now he finally moved out) and she is taking it very hard. Every day she is saying that she doesn't know how she will survive all this, crying, panicking, etc. I try to support and comfort her, but she is taking all this way to hard, harder than most of people in her situation. Me leaving would mean leaving her complety alone (with dog and cat) for a year, since my sister is attending student exchange next year. Gotta add that she also had serious health issues in the past, she always lives in fear of getting sick again.

I feel horrible guilt to leave her completly alone. I don't know what to do. Honestly, I never felt good where I live, but my father didn't let me go abroad, now I am grown up, and when I had a chance, he did this, leaving me a huge burden, awful guitly feeling.

I talked to her, she is telling me to go, if this is what I want, even tough I can see she is afraid of being alone and doesn't want it. Let me add this. When all this started (father cheating) I was on student exchange, she was all the time saying how she can't wait for me to come home. Not so long I want for a 3 weeks trip, same storry here.

I am torn here. What to do, follow my dreams and move, but leave my mother who always supported and helped me alone, or stay home and be unhappy here, where I live, but mother will maybe feel partialy better. I feel heartbroken thinking she will be alone in a big house, noone to talk, noone to help her, depressed (even more).

Still, until when I would move abroad to study is 11 months, but I am afraid she will not overcome her struggles.

What to do, please help me, I am in a huge dilemma.

Thank you, sincerely!

Stick around for a while, let things settle for your mum. She may well come to the point where she is independent and getting on with her life. But in the here and now its your duty to be there for her.

This may sound harsh, but if you go it may do her a big favour.

Can you get her into groups/a hobby before hand? Does she go to counselling? Going may force her to go out and move on with her life, and it will stop her from wallowing in her sadness. (ekk, that sounds mean, sorry, I don't wish to come across as cold hearted), you can still support her from abroad, set up her IM or Skype and contact her regularly even daily in the beginning.

As a mum we know our children will eventually leave the nest and she has consented to you going, I'm sorry your dad has been a douche, It's time for her to find herself again as a new single woman

Good luck with your decision.

L.

Mom could join some groups with other people her age, my mother did that when my dad died. She can volunteer at any number of places that would be thrilled to have her. If she's healthy enough, maybe she can get a part time job. There's lots to do for those on their own, they just need to be willing to try. You should go to where you want to go for school.

This may sound harsh, but if you go it may do her a big favour.

 

Can you get her into groups/a hobby before hand? Does she go to counselling? Going may force her to go out and move on with her life, and it will stop her from wallowing in her sadness. (ekk, that sounds mean, sorry, I don't wish to come across as cold hearted), you can still support her from abroad, set up her IM or Skype and contact her regularly even daily in the beginning.

 

As a mum we know our children will eventually leave the nest and she has consented to you going, I'm sorry your dad has been a douche, It's time for her to find herself again as a new single woman

 

Good luck with your decision.

 

L.

This is part of what I was going to say. We often feel worried about parents, particularly as they get older, but underestimate them. And, as you say, Skype etc makes a massive difference.

Going back to the OP, I'd base the decision mostly on the ins and outs of the masters abroad vs in your home country. Perhaps ask about this on a forum specific to your masters subject matter? What I'd hate to see is a post in 1-2 years about making the wrong choice and finding yourself suffering, while people that took the option you didn't take are employed.

I can't say any more and in that regard. You will get a lot of generalised nonsense on this forum based on people's experiences in other fields and very little expertise to your field. For instance in my own field I have a few forums where any career advice questions you never get drab, generic crap like 'apply for everything' answers (particularly as this is bad advice in my case) - it would make a difference for you.

The only way for an adult to learn that she she is fully capable of living on her own is to live fully capable on her own. If she's dependent on you, how does that serve either of you?

she is telling me to go, if this is what I want

You can go study abroad AND you can skype on a regular basis. She might have some difficult moments, but she'll also have freedom to explore things and grow in ways she hasn't had the opportunity to before.

She can take classes, join groups, develop hobbies, meet others like her in similar situations, travel, start a side business, volunteer, see a therapist, join ENA, get massages.... She won't be alone, there is a whole world of people out there to meet and talk to.