Wife and I have sex but she doesn't need/want the passion.

My wife and I have been together for several years and love each other very much. We do lots of stuff together and give each other our space when needed. In short, a fairly balanced relationship....mostly. I have a VERY high sex drive and she has probably normal sex drive. As in, I'd like it 3 times a day and she's good with 2-3 times a week. So we do it 2-3 times a week. I'm ok with that, the frequency is not the issue I have, it's that I love the connection and passion, I like it to take a little time and build. Not every time, but occasionally. She wants it, but she wants to get i there, do it and get it over with. Doesn't matter if it's early morning or night or whenever, she doesn't want to take any time with it. Very little to no kissing, no foreplay, just get it over with.

The rest of our relationship is pretty good. I've talked to her and explained that I need more than just to get off, I need to feel that connection and passion, but she says that's just not what she likes. She says she likes sex with me, but she just likes to do it and get it done. She doesn't like the build and taking time with it.

So my thinking is, we've been doing it her way for a long time and I like it that way too, just not only that way. I feel like if I ask her to do more, then she's not into it but is just doing it because it's what I want and she's not enjoying it, so that connection and passion is still not there. I feel like any compromise is just both of us not getting what we want.

So do I just continue the rest of our lives doing it the way we are and being disappointed and sometimes a little resentful or do I ask her to go through the motions (because she would for me) and her be bored, distracted, doing more than she wants and pretending. I don't k ow what do do, I'm be coming more frustrated every day.

This is your advice -- flirt with other women? I would dump my husband for trying to put me in a competitive position.

[...]desperation[...]

There's a lot of truth in what you're saying, but I'm cracking up at the irony here with your first post including a signature advertisement for a 2 week old advise blog. ;P

There's a lot of truth in what you're saying, but I'm cracking up at the irony here with your first post including a signature advertisement for a 2 week old advise blog. ;P

As for desperation, yeah, I guess to some degree. If there wasn't a level of desperation, I wouldn't be soliciting advice from strangers. I've been struggling with this for some time.

Pull back. You are too desperate right now. Your relationship dynamic is imbalanced, it is currently tipping in her favor.

 

If she does not want sex - you DON'T want sex even more. The more you chase, the more she would back off, it is the nature of human.

 

Go masturbate, do what you need to do to maintain your composure. When you reak of desperation, girls can smell it.

 

Now, to get sex the frequency you'd like. Girls are very competitive. Go get noticed by other women. Do not be obvious, or you come off as try hard. But if you, say get a part-time job as a bartender, and your wife sees that the ladies at the bar are flirting with you, your wife will be competitive and sexual marathon is guaranteed.

 

Pull back, relax. Do not loose composure.

Now, to get sex the frequency you'd like. Girls are very competitive. Go get noticed by other women. Do not be obvious, or you come off as try hard. But if you, say get a part-time job as a bartender, and your wife sees that the ladies at the bar are flirting with you, your wife will be competitive and sexual marathon is guaranteed.

Op don't do this .... I can't believe anyone would think going and flirting with another woman is going to help a marriage !

Has she always been like this ?

1. i do not use the app and i do not see any ads; your post is as one would expect - your words and nothing additional.

2. Has it changed? I am wondering if this is a sex style or an authentic emotion.

3. How Does she genuinely demonstrate feeling connected, in day to day life?

There's a lot of truth in what you're saying, but I'm cracking up at the irony here with your first post including a signature advertisement for a 2 week old advise blog. ;P

no, he didn't have that. the app or something added it.

Op don't do this .... I can't believe anyone would think going and flirting with another woman is going to help a marriage !

 

Has she always been like this ?

She hasn't always been this way, but it has never been 100% how I would like it to be. Any time I ever brought it up I was met with an excuse about time, circumstance, etc., but these would be certain events and I'm speaking in general terms. There were promises of "it'll be better when ______." But it has not gotten better when that changed. And when we've talked about it lately, she has stated that she likes the sex we have and just doesn't like to spend a lot of time doing it. So maybe you could say it's a style thing, but it just seems to have gotten more pronounced over the last year or so.

The more I think about it, she doesn't really like kissing or anything like that. Light kissing she's fine with, but anything deeper, closer to making out kind of thing, she doesn't like. I love that kind of stuff. She knows i do and shell tollerate it for a minute, nut no more. She'll jokingly play it off or just want to go straight to intercourse to get it over with. Maybe the problem is me in wanting that kind of thing. Am I supposed to stop wanting that kind of deeper physical/emotional connection as a 45yo man?

I just signed up in tapatalk today and I guess I don't understand your comment regarding the irony. Did I break some protocol by posting here or what I posted? I don't see an advertisement so I don't really know what you're saying there.

 

As for desperation, yeah, I guess to some degree. If there wasn't a level of desperation, I wouldn't be soliciting advice from strangers. I've been struggling with this for some time.

The reference was to yesso's post

no, he didn't have that. the app or something added it.

he is on about yesso's first post , he has a blog link in his sig x

he is on about yesso's first post , he has a blog link in his sig x

First, I wouldn't flirt with other women to make her jealous, that just wouldn't achieve the connection I'm seeking anyway.

She hasn't always been this way, but it has never been 100% how I would like it to be. Any time I ever brought it up I was met with an excuse about time, circumstance, etc., but these would be certain events and I'm speaking in general terms. There were promises of "it'll be better when ______." But it has not gotten better when that changed. And when we've talked about it lately, she has stated that she likes the sex we have and just doesn't like to spend a lot of time doing it. So maybe you could say it's a style thing, but it just seems to have gotten more pronounced over the last year or so.

 

The more I think about it, she doesn't really like kissing or anything like that. Light kissing she's fine with, but anything deeper, closer to making out kind of thing, she doesn't like. I love that kind of stuff. She knows i do and shell tollerate it for a minute, nut no more. She'll jokingly play it off or just want to go straight to intercourse to get it over with. Maybe the problem is me in wanting that kind of thing. Am I supposed to stop wanting that kind of deeper physical/emotional connection as a 45yo man?

No I don't think you have the problem ...kissing and building up and the connection you speak of is what makes sex ..great sex as far as I am concerned ..I would go so far as to say if a man didn't want to snog my face off I would feel a bit empty and feel like I was just something to climb on top of .

I think it is as simple as this .........you both have very different appetites , desires and needs and I honestly don't know how you can change her . Not helpful I know ...but you are a married couple and if she has always been making the promises of it being different and never followed through , it is clear she has just been agreeing with you and humoring you and she hasn't the same sex drive or desire .

First, I wouldn't flirt with other women to make her jealous, that just wouldn't achieve the connection I'm seeking anyway.

She hasn't always been this way, but it has never been 100% how I would like it to be. Any time I ever brought it up I was met with an excuse about time, circumstance, etc., but these would be certain events and I'm speaking in general terms. There were promises of "it'll be better when ______." But it has not gotten better when that changed. And when we've talked about it lately, she has stated that she likes the sex we have and just doesn't like to spend a lot of time doing it. So maybe you could say it's a style thing, but it just seems to have gotten more pronounced over the last year or so.

 

The more I think about it, she doesn't really like kissing or anything like that. Light kissing she's fine with, but anything deeper, closer to making out kind of thing, she doesn't like. I love that kind of stuff. She knows i do and shell tollerate it for a minute, nut no more. She'll jokingly play it off or just want to go straight to intercourse to get it over with. Maybe the problem is me in wanting that kind of thing. Am I supposed to stop wanting that kind of deeper physical/emotional connection as a 45yo man?

No! You need that type of connection, that's who you are and that's good. But obviously there some misalignment with your wife's needs.

I don't think there is an easy answer, but clearly the stuff upthread about making her jealous is wrong, so let's forget about that.

Can you get the intimacy you crave without the sex? I know you say she doesn't like the kissing etc, but maybe it's because there's been some bad timing and/or she knows that leads to sex and she doesn't feel like it. If she's feeling like sex is an obligation it may be why she's not into any intimacy. Intimacy with no pressure for sex may well get her over the hurdle, and even get sex back on the table. So to speak.

If none of that applies, and you feel like you've exhausted the options, I suggest you see a psychologist together. It's not a big deal, it's just about having a third party help you both communicate and hear one another differently. It is not about there being anything wrong with either of you, but a tune up to help you communicate...

The only thing that could help is if she sees her sex as a problem ....as in ... she wants to feel deeper and connect with you , she wants more intimacy , she wants to push herself to explore and just feel differently .... Then you could both seek a third party to help out , therapy wise I am talking about ......However from what I can tell , she sees no problem with her sex at all ...she may think you are too demanding , want to much etc etc ...I am on your side in what I would need in a sex life , but not everyone is .

No I don't think you have the problem ...kissing and building up and the connection you speak of is what makes sex ..great sex as far as I am concerned ..I would go so far as to say if a man didn't want to snog my face off I would feel a bit empty and feel like I was just something to climb on top of .

 

I think it is as simple as this .........you both have very different appetites , desires and needs and I honestly don't know how you can change her . Not helpful I know ...but you are a married couple and if she has always been making the promises of it being different and never followed through , it is clear she has just been agreeing with you and humoring you and she hasn't the same sex drive or desire .

Thing is, I love her and don't feel like it's fair to her to try to change her (not even sure if I could). I don't know if I can change what I want either.

Couples counseling is a good idea.

Maybe there is something she likes, that you are not so keen on, that you can do for her enjoyment, and then she can do some things with you that she's not heaps keen on, like making out. The nitty gritty should be the outcome of you two being open with each other and trying to find compromises (only ones that don't actively make the other person feel bad). Perhaps you will turn out to be terminally sexually incompatible.

I really really enjoyed this talk by Esther Perel and think it would be great if you and your wife watch it. As Esther says, foreplay begins as soon as sex ends.

Thanks for the replies, I do appreciate being able to discuss this.

Thing is, I love her and don't feel like it's fair to her to try to change her (not even sure if I could). I don't know if I can change what I want either.

No it's not fair for either of you ... just waiting to see what your thoughts are on ..* has she got an underlying problem *

Also, I don't think the promise of change without it happening was intentional. I'm sure she had believed all along that she'd feel differently once this or that event passed, she just never did and I think in retrospect, she would agree that she thought she would feel differently by now.

No it's not fair for either of you ... just waiting to see what your thoughts are on ..* has she got an underlying problem *

No underlying problems. We have the normal stresses of life and we talk about them and that kind of thing, but nothing physical and we're both pretty well adjusted people

It is a real shame because sex aside , you sound like a lovely couple .

This might be a stale mate mo I am sorry to say . Hope someone can come up with something for you .

No! You need that type of connection, that's who you are and that's good. But obviously there some misalignment with your wife's needs.

I don't think there is an easy answer, but clearly the stuff upthread about making her jealous is wrong, so let's forget about that.

Can you get the intimacy you crave without the sex? I know you say she doesn't like the kissing etc, but maybe it's because there's been some bad timing and/or she knows that leads to sex and she doesn't feel like it. If she's feeling like sex is an obligation it may be why she's not into any intimacy. Intimacy with no pressure for sex may well get her over the hurdle, and even get sex back on the table. So to speak.

If none of that applies, and you feel like you've exhausted the options, I suggest you see a psychologist together. It's not a big deal, it's just about having a third party help you both communicate and hear one another differently. It is not about there being anything wrong with either of you, but a tune up to help you communicate...

see question above

Couples counseling is a good idea.

 

Maybe there is something she likes, that you are not so keen on, that you can do for her enjoyment, and then she can do some things with you that she's not heaps keen on, like making out. The nitty gritty should be the outcome of you two being open with each other and trying to find compromises (only ones that don't actively make the other person feel bad). Perhaps you will turn out to be terminally sexually incompatible.

 

I really really enjoyed this talk by Esther Perel and think it would be great if you and your wife watch it. As Esther says, foreplay begins as soon as sex ends. think counseling is a good idea and will investigate that as an option.

As far as doing something she likes, there isn't anything I can think of that she wants or likes that I wouldn't do for her/us.

You aren't wrong for wanting more. You probably feel like a teddy bear or someone to cuddle with right now, when your wife should be treating you like a man.

She isn't meeting your needs. I'm glad you see that 3 times a day isn't realistic, but asking for foreplay and a real connection (which are what make sex good imo) is completely understandable. I feel like there is something in your relationship holding her back. She's either not physically attracted to you at this time (fixable), you guys aren't doing what she wants to do sexually, or she's very stressed or insecure about something. I see those as likely possibilities

I don't think the first poster response was entirely a good idea, but there is truth to pulling back. Don't initiate for a week, and she will be all up on you.

So pull back a little, make her understand that your needs are serious needs, and make yourself more attractive (work out, etc).

(Obviously don't go and flirt with other women in front of her, that would be cruel).

My wife and I have been together for several years and love each other very much. We do lots of stuff together and give each other our space when needed. In short, a fairly balanced relationship....mostly. I have a VERY high sex drive and she has probably normal sex drive. As in, I'd like it 3 times a day and she's good with 2-3 times a week. So we do it 2-3 times a week. I'm ok with that, the frequency is not the issue I have, it's that I love the connection and passion, I like it to take a little time and build. Not every time, but occasionally. She wants it, but she wants to get i there, do it and get it over with. Doesn't matter if it's early morning or night or whenever, she doesn't want to take any time with it. Very little to no kissing, no foreplay, just get it over with.

The rest of our relationship is pretty good. I've talked to her and explained that I need more than just to get off, I need to feel that connection and passion, but she says that's just not what she likes. She says she likes sex with me, but she just likes to do it and get it done. She doesn't like the build and taking time with it.

So my thinking is, we've been doing it her way for a long time and I like it that way too, just not only that way. I feel like if I ask her to do more, then she's not into it but is just doing it because it's what I want and she's not enjoying it, so that connection and passion is still not there. I feel like any compromise is just both of us not getting what we want.

So do I just continue the rest of our lives doing it the way we are and being disappointed and sometimes a little resentful or do I ask her to go through the motions (because she would for me) and her be bored, distracted, doing more than she wants and pretending. I don't k ow what do do, I'm be coming more frustrated every day.

Its hard to offer a solution to this situation. As soon as you start talking to a woman about wanting to get closer, or more sexual it tends to make her colder and never really solves anything. Thats why its best to always let her come to you with commitment and emotional/sexual closeness, and if she doesn't back away until she either does or another woman enters your life who might be more compatible.

Was this also an issue before you were married, or did it occur with time?

You've mentioned it to her and she doesn't really want to do anything about it as she's happy with the situation. So again, I don't know if I or anyone can suggest anything. Fact is, she probably isn't going to start wanting more sex and closeness with time and age. And your frustration is probably going to get worse.

What you certainly can do is improve on yourself. Make yourself into the best version of you that you can be. As healthy and successful as possible. If she still doesn't want to get closer, then its a case of sexual incompatibility and the best thing at that point would be to end it.