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Thread: In a pickle regarding love life

  1. #21
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    Wow you put me to shame with all your deep thoughts, self-reflection and brain spinning, holy cow!

    I consider myself to be a bit of a "weirdo," too, lol for lack of a better word, or a nicer word might be an "anomaly," different from the "norm," whatever the hell "the norm" even is!

    This is not a negative!

    Although in your current frame, you no doubt see it that way. Which is the problem as I see it.

    So it's not you, or the essence of who you are that is negative, but the "energy" you project that is negative based on your own internal fears and insecurities and how you view yourself.

    That is why people, women, men don't respond to you, why you're struggling. My opinion based off what you've posted.

    What is chemistry? It an *energy* generating between both people that has zero to do with job, career, status, money, social standing or even looks, although physical attraction IS important but it's subjective.

    I had two long term boyfriends in my 20s whom I thought I loved, even got engaged to one, but did NOT ever feel that "energy" chemistry with a man until I was 29!

    It's intangible but you will KNOW it when you feel it, it hit me (and him) like a ton of bricks! Never experienced anything like it prior to that, nor had he.

    Some people never do! Not on that level anyway.

    Personally, I go for men like you. Deep thinkers, introspective, self-reflective, constantly moving in thoughts (and feelings), and challenging those thoughts.

    I don't go for "norm" not attracted to "norm" yeah I can be pretty weird! lol

    But I happen to like this about myself, I accept it and embrace it, and therefore project good energy and attract a lot of people to me because of it.

    Don't change! Be you and know there *are* women who will be attracted to who you are, but *not* until you start accepting and embracing yourself first!

    I do realize many folks find this concept hokey or whatever, but it really is all about the energy you project.

    Re balancing thought and feel, you don't give yourself enough credit!

    Your feelings about casual sex show you balance thought and feel! You need to "feel" something for sex to be satisfying (feelings), but you're aware enough to know sex isn't the be all/end all (thoughts).

    Anyway I could probably ramble on forever, but have said enough, hopefully you get the gist, and that it helped, even if on some small level.

    It's all a journey, living, experimenting, learning, growing, evolving.

    Best of luck!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-05-2018 at 05:18 PM.

  2. #22
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    Thank you, katrina, for your words of wisdom. I guess I suspected as much WRT my "energy". To explain myself, I've always been of the minds that I can do and be whatever and whomever I need to be if I apply myself. I was flabby in high school, so I started hiking, swimming and working out, and fixed that. I needed to study in college, so I buckled down and did so; I knew next to nothing about art, so I started going to galleries and exhibits, etc, etc. Thing is: I guess it's hard to accept yourself if you view your body and mind as tools. I hone them, yes, but I feel detached from them, like one would from a hammer. Weird, but it is what it is....
    So then I must ask: how do I get to "like" myself? I've pretty much covered the panoply of human development except for one thing: romance. And that is where I am stuck. Stuck in that I know of this glaring imperfection, but can do nothing about it. There's nothing to "work" on, nothing to apply my mind and body to. I can't use my usual manner of solving problems (which is, in short, to do the opposite of what most people do, and come out swinging head on; there's nothing to swing at...). All my high-school friends came out basically adults, with full experience of romance. I didn't, and, 10 years later, I'm still at base zero. It scares me to think of how much more experienced they and most people around me are compared to myself. I'm way down on the asymptotic curve, and it makes me anxious, and scared and angry. I instinctually feel the need to do something, but, it seems, there is nothing I can do. Just wait until it happens (or doesn't happen, and live with it; something I cannot accept).
    And yeah, I have all these thoughts because I've had a lot of time to dwell on them... nothing (or no one) to occupy my mind. I've long realised that what I want out of a relationships is intimacy. A feeling of comfort. No so much sex, but to be able to nuzzle and cuddle someone without them thinking I'm a weirdo. To hold them, and to be natural and relaxed around them, to share my joys and sights, and feelings and thoughts. To be my natural, exuberant, energetic, tireless self.. To know I have someone asking me if I feel ok from work, and to know I have something to work on and for. It's the loneliness that's killing me emotionally, and causing my logic circuits to go haywire in search of a way out. And the more rabbidly I search, the further my goals get... I've lost more sleep over this all my exams/tests/interviews combined... And I'm so far behind EVERYONE else, that despair daily tries to set in, and I have to fight it off. How can I like myself? I see nothing IN myself that is unique to me. I'm not the smartest, the most good looking, the most mannered, the richest... and have all this emotional baggage (of my OWN making, which is arguably worse...). I can pretend to be relationship material, but I don;t think I am, and deep down, I hope one would finally come around the corner and hope it would magically make all this wretchedness go away (unlikely; more probable that it would simply shape; does that mean I'm hopeless? Or immature? )
    Last edited by mdumi; 05-07-2018 at 02:46 PM.

  3. #23
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    Brain spinning indeed.... lol. Just to add, my motto since I was 6 has been "a man makes his luck". Served me well in everything but romance

  4. #24
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    Thank you once again!

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  6. 05-10-2018, 02:47 PM

  7. #25
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    Ya know...when I started this thread two years ago, I was kinda hoping someone would come up with a solution. Only one tried, and others attempted to lecture me on the fact that mail order brides are not a bad thing (something for which I have even less interest in than post-modern art; good thing it wasn't about apple brands).
    So, allow me to rephrase everything:
    1) How debilitating would my lack of experience be in romance? No, I don't accept answers along the line of "it depends". Clear and simple.
    2) Can I make up for this lack of experience? I want to be successful in romance. I don't know what I like, whether it's sex, intimacy, or emotional connection. Never tried any. 12 years behind the curve as of writing this and counting. How long till I'm at the level everyone else is at?
    3) Finally, before anyone says something along the lines of self-pity, and why should we answer you: I pity no one, not even myself, and I expect the decency of a pitiless answer. It would only be honorable. The reason I'm writing one again is to GET an answer. Tried courtesy, and it got me two years of logging on weekly to see any new answers, with nill results. Now time to attempt forcefulness. It's the result that matters, after all.

  8. #26
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    Originally Posted by mdumi
    I've been told I'm too categorical, but the way I see it, there is always a reason for my opinions. A logical one.
    I'm wondering whether if my turbulent nature is off-putting and not just to potential dates.
    You've touched on this more than once, that combined with the way you express yourself. You come across very black and white. Almost aggressive, especially with your frustration that after a few posts, we don't have a categorical answer for you.
    Maybe you are onto something after all.

    Now time to attempt forcefulness. It's the result that matters, after all.
    Let me know how that works for you.

  9. #27
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    You've touched on this more than once, that combined with the way you express yourself. You come across very black and white. Almost aggressive, especially with your frustration that after a few posts, we don't have a categorical answer for you.
    Maybe you are onto something after all.

    Now time to attempt forcefulness. It's the result that matters, after all.
    Let me know how that works for you.
    It's already worked for me. Someone (yourself) replied after a year in limbo. And (maybe) thought about the issue (though, like so many before, the answers were not forthcoming). So yeah, it worked.

    Literally hundreds of people parse these forums. None have any answers? That's not frustration, amigo, it's despair.... Things that scare me I tend to reply to with force, which is probably what causes my....edginess.

  10. #28
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    that combined with the way you express yourself
    I try to express myself....for lack of a better term....scientifically. In as much detail as possible, because that leads to best results from people attempting to help. I think I've been cordial enough, if you'd be so kind to read the rest of the posts....but patience is not my most well developed virtue.

    Define "black and white". I don't see things as black and white in the sense of good or evil... mostly as useful or useless.

  11. #29
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    I would ask katrina, if she'd be kind enough to answer, whether what she defines as "chemistry" is mere emotional connection? And if said chemistry is possible outside of a relationship (in which case it is mere friendship)? And if it can be cultivated, or is simply there (in which case it is simply matching pathologies; I get the feeling we chase after people that display similar pathologies to our own)?
    And if 29 is too late? I don't understand it. By the time someone is 30 he will have gone through four romantic phases:
    1) The awkward/puppy phase, where people are attracted, but stumble into one another. Roughly corresponds to high school. People learn what love, romance, sex and other such things are.
    2) The wild phase, where people armed with that prior knowledge indulge in all sorts of relationships to see what they like. One-night stands, wild passions, crying and break-ups, makeups, etc. Roughly from 20 to 25.
    3) The freedom phase, that lasts from 25 to 30 years, where people are very calm and collected in their romantic views. They've tried everything, and now they simply enjoy life, and want new sensations.
    4) The settling down phase, where life slows down, and people start to try to settle. Post 30.
    Whelp...my lack of romantic experience makes me very boring. Someone who is 25, and has already tried basically everything will want to have nothing to do with me. I'm competing in a marathon, and I haven't even learned to crawl. Women don't want a kid to raise, they want a man. I...offer nothing I fear.
    So...is the above analysis wrong? And if it is, where is it wrong? not a general answer but a point to point "this is where you're rubbish" one.

  12. #30
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    Originally Posted by mdumi

    I would ask katrina, if she'd be kind enough to answer, whether what she defines as "chemistry" is mere emotional connection?
    To answer your question, to me, chemistry, that "energy" between two people, involves a mutual connection of course. It's more a mental connection though, the "emotional" connection takes time to develop, with some a short time, with others longer.

    Generally speaking, it's that feeling you have when you meet someone that you've known them forever, a certain comfort, a natural mental connection that requires little to no effort. It just "exists." It's easy.

    You can feel chemistry with friends. I have and we've gone on to become very good friends!

    I've met others and don't feel that energy, and we haven't become friends.

    What differentiates romantic chemistry from friendship chemistry is sexual attraction. But both begin with a natural mental connection, imo.

    Have you ever felt that chemistry/energy/connection with someone upon first meeting them mdumi? Talking with them?

    I hope my explanation doesn't sound too pedestrian; energy between people is a bit difficult to explain in words. It's intangible and something you just "feel."
    Last edited by katrina1980; 03-03-2019 at 10:36 PM.

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