"I miss you"

So I have it quite crystal clear in my head that I miss you DOES NOT mean I want to be in a relationship with you again.

But I am wondering what the harm would be, after hearing this, in asking him to talk in person. I want to ask him if he's willing to put faith in us to work through the issues.

His words were actually 'I miss you. I was telling my friend about you earlier, all nice things.'

(He's overseas right now reconnecting with his old group of friends from when he used to live there.)

I've been NC but I sent one message saying "Hello" in a moment of weakness at 2am the other night and he responded instantly. And that's as far as the conversation went. I didn't write back after he said this, because I was scared of saying too much, saying something I'd regret.

I miss him so much it is killing me. I've never loved anyone more beyond my immediate family.

I even wrote a list today, of all the things he did in the relationship today that I hated and that frustrated me to remind myself why I used to pick fights. I thought it would help for moving on. But it hasn't done much for me. Perhaps the 'denial' phase is cycling back to me. But I just want to talk to him, see his face again, hug him again. I love him so much. I'm bursting with emotion.

I was due to start therapy on Wednesday and now she's cancelled today and asking to rearrange for a week later. I'm so annoyed about this. I know I shouldn't be dependent on therapy to sort my head out but I was really looking forward to it. I am just desperate to stop hurting this badly and stop the turmoil in my head.

You are very right in taking this message on face-value. That's the proper way to deal with it. As with yourself it could have been a moment of weakness for him.

It's good that you tried putting it all in perspective reminding yourself to also remember the bad side of the breakup (kind of struggling with that myself here tbh). Regardless, this is definitely a logical argument against emotional argument. So don't feel bad that your emotions aren't really listening at this point.

About the therapy, I don't really think it's a bad thing. At this point you might be weaker than you'd normal be, thus it's not a problem to depend on something for now. Especially since it's helping you heal and it's healthy for you. That said yes, it's a pity you couldn't be there on Wednesday. This would have been a great situation to discuss.

Perhaps a good plan is to do nothing, weird as it sounds. But that's a plan. Don't initiate contact further, if he sends something again just reply honesty and civil but keep it short and sweet. Don't pour out all these emotions, I believe you've got them properly in check there. This might give you time to let it sink in a bit for now, maybe in a few days these feelings of missing and longing will subside again. I mean, it's like an addicted person get's a slight impuls again and the whole system is going 100% again because it's like ' HOLY Cr*p, never expected to get this impuls again! Let's do this!!!' . So yeah a slight impuls to kick-start the whole system. So let it sink in, if it lasts then you could discuss it during therapy.

As for seeing him again, the harm of it all is the fact that it could keep this system intact. Now this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if you don't want to re-start a relationship again then it's a bad thing. If you can objectively look at the outcome of the conversation that's best. If you can live with rejection, but also rejoice in acceptance. Then I think you are in the strongest position. But seeing him too soon would put you back again. It could kickstart a system of anxiety again and the feeling of rejection. If you are not prepared for that you could get yourself hurt even more.

So cr*ppy as it is, sit this feeling out just a little bit longer. Maybe it will subside.

I hope this outsider looking in perspective might give you something to rely on for now to stop the turmoil.

You are very right in taking this message on face-value. That's the proper way to deal with it. As with yourself it could have been a moment of weakness for him.

 

It's good that you tried putting it all in perspective reminding yourself to also remember the bad side of the breakup (kind of struggling with that myself here tbh). Regardless, this is definitely a logical argument against emotional argument. So don't feel bad that your emotions aren't really listening at this point.

About the therapy, I don't really think it's a bad thing. At this point you might be weaker than you'd normal be, thus it's not a problem to depend on something for now. Especially since it's helping you heal and it's healthy for you. That said yes, it's a pity you couldn't be there on Wednesday. This would have been a great situation to discuss.

 

Perhaps a good plan is to do nothing, weird as it sounds. But that's a plan. Don't initiate contact further, if he sends something again just reply honesty and civil but keep it short and sweet. Don't pour out all these emotions, I believe you've got them properly in check there. This might give you time to let it sink in a bit for now, maybe in a few days these feelings of missing and longing will subside again. I mean, it's like an addicted person get's a slight impuls again and the whole system is going 100% again because it's like ' HOLY Cr*p, never expected to get this impuls again! Let's do this!!!' . So yeah a slight impuls to kick-start the whole system. So let it sink in, if it lasts then you could discuss it during therapy.

 

As for seeing him again, the harm of it all is the fact that it could keep this system intact. Now this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if you don't want to re-start a relationship again then it's a bad thing. If you can objectively look at the outcome of the conversation that's best. If you can live with rejection, but also rejoice in acceptance. Then I think you are in the strongest position. But seeing him too soon would put you back again. It could kickstart a system of anxiety again and the feeling of rejection. If you are not prepared for that you could get yourself hurt even more.

 

 

So cr*ppy as it is, sit this feeling out just a little bit longer. Maybe it will subside.

I hope this outsider looking in perspective might give you something to rely on for now to stop the turmoil.

Thank you so much. This really makes sense.

You're falling backwards darling ....you are talking yourself into more pain ...this is the second time you have split right ? Don't do it to yourself .....you need to block him out of your life .

You're falling backwards darling ....you are talking yourself into more pain ...this is the second time you have split right ? Don't do it to yourself .....you need to block him out of your life .

Yeah...It is. The first time we got back together after 2 weeks though, and he was very available to me during that time, so it didn't feel really like either of us disappeared or moved on.

Yeah...It is. The first time we got back together after 2 weeks though, and he was very available to me during that time, so it didn't feel really like either of us disappeared or moved on.

ahh yep I see .. well he is not helping matters by telling you he misses you at all ...I am a bit confused as you said you where NC apart from a late night text ... but either way it is doing you no good having these conversations . But it is your choice if you want to suggest another talk with him , we are all different and some of us need to push it to the end of the road before we can accept it .

You sound in such desperate pain xx I remember it well I really do xx lots of love

An "I miss you" text is not the same as saying that he wants you back, or that he wants to work through things.

Missing someone after a while together is normal. Telling them you miss them, without some sort of plan or verbiage towards working things back together, is just that: words.

We can get so flummoxed from a few words on a screen, can't we.

He isn't offering you anything. No hope, no reconciliation, no apologies about anything that was his part, nor any discussions about communications so that you could express apologies for your part. Nothing.

IMO, he was probably just sitting with his friends, shooting the breeze, and your name came up, as exes' names often do, and he said some pleasant things about you.

It also sounds like he was trying to get a rise out of you, which worked. Don't let it.

ahh yep I see .. well he is not helping matters by telling you he misses you at all ...I am a bit confused as you said you where NC apart from a late night text ... but either way it is doing you no good having these conversations . But it is your choice if you want to suggest another talk with him , we are all different and some of us need to push it to the end of the road before we can accept it .

You sound in such desperate pain xx I remember it well I really do xx lots of love

Yes, sometimes it's good to confront it head on. It will definitely not be fun as it will bring you even more pain than you already have, but sometimes that's the exact push you need to let it go.

If you can avoid it I would recommend that, but if you feel like that yes then maybe it's time to do something and find out.

If it's true you've broken up twice already, I would say there is something fundamentally wrong. Something neither of you has changed and therefore thrice will still break up. As I said, I can understand this single text would make you go in overdrive. That's completely understandable. Best is to not act on those feelings, and wait it out a bit. You did really good assessing it on face-value.

My ex used to text and call me, telling me he missed me and that no one ever understood him the way I do.

Then he'd go right back to his girlfriend and, (I presume), climb into bed with her.

I suppose there were things he missed about me. I accepted him unconditionally and seldom questioned him. I wanted him to love me so badly that I put up with stuff you wouldn't even believe. And I'm sure my doormat behavior had some appeal for him. Not enough to want to actually BE with me, but I'm sure it's nice to be worshiped lol.

So yeah, I'm sure there are things he misses about you. Whether or not those things are enough for him to want to get back together, I can't say. Only he knows that. But pinning your hopes on that might not turn out the way you want.

I think therapy is excellent. I recommend proceeding with the appointment.

Pretzel, I so feel your pain. After my ex broke up with me for the...sixth? seventh? time, he was responding to my Facebook messages with "hello dear," and "I don't want us to stop talking." But as soon as the conversation steered towards the idea of us getting back together, he shut it down. They aren't hurting in the same way that we are, but they are still hurting, and connecting momentarily feels just as good for them as it does for us. It's so hard to ignore the breadcrumbs, but you and I both deserve more than breadcrumbs. We deserve loaves upon loaves of fresh sourdough baguettes!!

I also wanted to post because of the fact that he's left you before, and he's doing it again. I'm still in the process of trying to convince myself that I can't attempt to plan a life with someone who has left me more than once. As painful as it is, and as much as I want things to work out with him, I don't think I will ever trust that I'm enough for him, ever, no matter what. Think about it. If he had the heart and the strength to leave you twice, why wouldn't he do it again?

The idea of being with someone who loves me unconditionally and who will never leave me, through thick and through thin, is almost a foreign concept to me. It may be turning into a foreign concept for you, too. But, how nice does that sound?! Being with someone who would never leave us!?!? It sounds like a fairy tale, but I think that's the type of person that you and I both need to hold out for.

Just wanted to update you guys that my impulses grew too strong and I called him the other day and things went south. I called to say i still have some of his stuff and that he can collect it if he wants, I was just being nice, didnt bring up the relationship, in my heart I wondered if we would talk then. He said he'd be there at the end of the week to pick it up. After the call, I sent a text saying that I missed him a lot, he was responding to me, and saying that of course he's thought of me a lot too etc, but his responses were more measured than mine were. Then, the next morning, i was at work and received a long message, about a paragraph, from him saying that he realised on the phone he responded in a way that was 'tired, resentful, compressed', that he hadn't felt that way in weeks but that he now understands why we broke up. He also said that the idea of me became stressful to him and it still is and this developed over a long time and that that's how he knew we wouldn't work in the long term.

WOW. I received this, I went straight to the bathroom at work and just burst into tears. It wasn't that it was over, but it was the way that, I already experienced rejection from him, and it was rejection x 100000. The idea of me being stressful to him, when I had just been writing him love poems in my journal the last few weeks, CRUSHED me. I called him and said that was a horrible thing to say, why would you send me a message like that, I completely broke down, he was insisting that 'I didn't say it to hurt you i was just telling you what went on in my head'. I cried, and cried and cried. I told him how sensitive I am, how bad it's been, how I can't handle those kinds of messages.

He was supportive and kind for about 20 minutes. Then he hung up, said he can't stay on the phone any longer. I begged him not to hang up but he did anyway.

Afterwards, I sent a message saying that I've taken this as a cue that he doesn't want to be here for me anymore, and message taken, we don't have to see each other again. I deleted his number and deleted and blocked him from social media.

I feel anguish and anxiety since. I think blocking him from social media was the right move, but I'm not sure if blocking his number was. I wish we could have ended on better terms.

You might do..but not right now.

This is why we, as a community here, support each other to do what we can to stick to NIC.

What you did was completely normal...You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last*

But this is definitely the most common outcome of breaking NIC.

As bad as it feels right now it is definitely another step forward for you.

Carus*

Just wanted to update you guys that my impulses grew too strong and I called him the other day and things went south. I called to say i still have some of his stuff and that he can collect it if he wants, I was just being nice, didnt bring up the relationship, in my heart I wondered if we would talk then. He said he'd be there at the end of the week to pick it up. After the call, I sent a text saying that I missed him a lot, he was responding to me, and saying that of course he's thought of me a lot too etc, but his responses were more measured than mine were. Then, the next morning, i was at work and received a long message, about a paragraph, from him saying that he realised on the phone he responded in a way that was 'tired, resentful, compressed', that he hadn't felt that way in weeks but that he now understands why we broke up. He also said that the idea of me became stressful to him and it still is and this developed over a long time and that that's how he knew we wouldn't work in the long term.

 

WOW. I received this, I went straight to the bathroom at work and just burst into tears. It wasn't that it was over, but it was the way that, I already experienced rejection from him, and it was rejection x 100000. The idea of me being stressful to him, when I had just been writing him love poems in my journal the last few weeks, CRUSHED me. I called him and said that was a horrible thing to say, why would you send me a message like that, I completely broke down, he was insisting that 'I didn't say it to hurt you i was just telling you what went on in my head'. I cried, and cried and cried. I told him how sensitive I am, how bad it's been, how I can't handle those kinds of messages.

 

He was supportive and kind for about 20 minutes. Then he hung up, said he can't stay on the phone any longer. I begged him not to hang up but he did anyway.

 

Afterwards, I sent a message saying that I've taken this as a cue that he doesn't want to be here for me anymore, and message taken, we don't have to see each other again. I deleted his number and deleted and blocked him from social media.

 

I feel anguish and anxiety since. I think blocking him from social media was the right move, but I'm not sure if blocking his number was. I wish we could have ended on better terms.

Asking questions you don't know the answer for is always a risk and it's a sure-fire way of setting your healing back. NC is recommended for a reason. Think about it, there's only one answer from him that would 100% satisfy you. What are the odds that you get it? After you broke up and you're the one breaking contact. If he felt the way you did, he'd move mountains to be with you. There'd be no stopping him because he knows what - how - you feel. He knows and yet he does nothing. Don't you think this is all you need to know?

It's hard. So hard, I know. All we want is to hear their voice again. Listen to some words and find some comfort and hope in them, but...they're never enough. They never will. Unless it's a "I still love you and want to work things out, I'm sorry for everything." then all the rest is just noise.

NC. Don't break it. Ever. Only when you know you're ready for any answer you might get (and that only happens when you no longer care).

Then, the next morning, i was at work and received a long message, about a paragraph, from him saying that he realised on the phone he responded in a way that was 'tired, resentful, compressed', that he hadn't felt that way in weeks but that he now understands why we broke up. He also said that the idea of me became stressful to him and it still is and this developed over a long time and that that's how he knew we wouldn't work in the long term.

he was insisting that 'I didn't say it to hurt you i was just telling you what went on in my head'. .

What a jerk. That was a totally hurtful thing to say, and I'm sure he knew it. But he's being passive aggressive and pretending like a statement like that isn't hurtful.

Can you imagine saying something like that to your boss, or a client? Anyone with half a brain would know better.

"Oh hey, everything was great here until you walked into the room."

Or

"Wow, I didn't realize how fat you were until you wore those pants. I'm just telling you what's on my mind. I'm not trying to be mean."

Yeah right.

Kicking someone while they're down is NOT COOL.

I suppose it is a shame that things had to end like this, but I really do think you should block him completely and move on.

The pain WILL fade.

I hope you feel better soon.

What a jerk. That was a totally hurtful thing to say, and I'm sure he knew it. But he's being passive aggressive and pretending like a statement like that isn't hurtful.

 

Can you imagine saying something like that to your boss, or a client? Anyone with half a brain would know better.

 

"Oh hey, everything was great here until you walked into the room."

 

Or

 

"Wow, I didn't realize how fat you were until you wore those pants. I'm just telling you what's on my mind. I'm not trying to be mean."

 

Yeah right.

 

Kicking someone while they're down is NOT COOL.

 

I suppose it is a shame that things had to end like this, but I really do think you should block him completely and move on.

 

The pain WILL fade.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

This makes me feel better - as he didn't even really apologise. Just kept repeating 'I didn't say it to hurt you, it's just that you always said you never understood, and now I Think I do'... then he backtracked when i was upset 'I didn't mean it was you, just that it was a pattern WE slipped into' - both of us.

Pfffft. I don't understand either. To be honest, I believe my call just made him resentful because I reminded him of his guilt for leaving me. And there he is trying to rationalise it as a reason for why we broke. UGH. Wish i could stop feeling these negative feelings.

I think FULL NC and blocking of everything is a good thing - a good result from this because at least it'll be easier to fully let go. Part of me is sad and depressed though, that he didn't email me afterwards. To say sorry.

I know it's dumb. I was kind of hoping he would.

Awwww Pretzel, I know how much this hurts. It's like you're being stabbed from the inside. And yes, I totally understand the desire to have him send an email with an apology, as his words were unbelievably harsh, but I think you know, that's just not going to happen.

How gut-wrenching. I am truly sorry.

I would donate his stuff to charity and yeah, stay NC for good now.

I recently read that NC is for our brains to literally heal, as the neural pathways have been altered by our connection. So, NC helps the brain's pathways heal in a very literal sense, kind of like keeping a fresh wound bandaged and away from germs. Think of him as bacteria that will continue to infect your brain.....you need to keep that bacteria away.

I'm going through a very similar difficult time with NC as well, so trust me when I say, I know exactly how you feel.

Thank you. Gut-wrenching is exactly the word. I couldn't describe it before in words but that's probably the closest to how i felt in that moment. This impression I have of the relationship being so far from what he has conjured.

All those amazing memories of doing normal things in the daily life were so special to me. Even just walking to the train station in the mornings for work. I even used to get this rush of excitement when I'd come back to the room he is in, after leaving it even briefly like to go get something from another room or to go to the bathroom. Every single granular memory of it was exciting and wonderful for me. ALL THE TIME. And yeah we fought sometimes and yeah there were issues. But to ME it was like who cares. We'll sort it out. I get that he obviously sees things very very differently. I just really didn't need to know about it being that negative for him. It's ruined everything for me, makes me think I just made it all up in my head. I feel insane, have been waking up with a tightness in my chest the past few days.