"I miss you"

[Pretzel]

So I have it quite crystal clear in my head that I miss you DOES NOT mean I want to be in a relationship with you again.

But I am wondering what the harm would be, after hearing this, in asking him to talk in person. I want to ask him if he's willing to put faith in us to work through the issues.

His words were actually 'I miss you. I was telling my friend about you earlier, all nice things.'
(He's overseas right now reconnecting with his old group of friends from when he used to live there.)

I've been NC but I sent one message saying "Hello" in a moment of weakness at 2am the other night and he responded instantly. And that's as far as the conversation went. I didn't write back after he said this, because I was scared of saying too much, saying something I'd regret.

I miss him so much it is killing me. I've never loved anyone more beyond my immediate family.

I even wrote a list today, of all the things he did in the relationship today that I hated and that frustrated me to remind myself why I used to pick fights. I thought it would help for moving on. But it hasn't done much for me. Perhaps the 'denial' phase is cycling back to me. But I just want to talk to him, see his face again, hug him again. I love him so much. I'm bursting with emotion.

I was due to start therapy on Wednesday and now she's cancelled today and asking to rearrange for a week later. I'm so annoyed about this. I know I shouldn't be dependent on therapy to sort my head out but I was really looking forward to it. I am just desperate to stop hurting this badly and stop the turmoil in my head.

[loip9114]

You are very right in taking this message on face-value. That's the proper way to deal with it. As with yourself it could have been a moment of weakness for him.

It's good that you tried putting it all in perspective reminding yourself to also remember the bad side of the breakup (kind of struggling with that myself here tbh). Regardless, this is definitely a logical argument against emotional argument. So don't feel bad that your emotions aren't really listening at this point.
About the therapy, I don't really think it's a bad thing. At this point you might be weaker than you'd normal be, thus it's not a problem to depend on something for now. Especially since it's helping you heal and it's healthy for you. That said yes, it's a pity you couldn't be there on Wednesday. This would have been a great situation to discuss.

Perhaps a good plan is to do nothing, weird as it sounds. But that's a plan. Don't initiate contact further, if he sends something again just reply honesty and civil but keep it short and sweet. Don't pour out all these emotions, I believe you've got them properly in check there. This might give you time to let it sink in a bit for now, maybe in a few days these feelings of missing and longing will subside again. I mean, it's like an addicted person get's a slight impuls again and the whole system is going 100% again because it's like ' HOLY Cr*p, never expected to get this impuls again! Let's do this!!!' . So yeah a slight impuls to kick-start the whole system. So let it sink in, if it lasts then you could discuss it during therapy.

As for seeing him again, the harm of it all is the fact that it could keep this system intact. Now this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if you don't want to re-start a relationship again then it's a bad thing. If you can objectively look at the outcome of the conversation that's best. If you can live with rejection, but also rejoice in acceptance. Then I think you are in the strongest position. But seeing him too soon would put you back again. It could kickstart a system of anxiety again and the feeling of rejection. If you are not prepared for that you could get yourself hurt even more.


So cr*ppy as it is, sit this feeling out just a little bit longer. Maybe it will subside.
I hope this outsider looking in perspective might give you something to rely on for now to stop the turmoil.

[Pretzel]

You are very right in taking this message on face-value. That's the proper way to deal with it. As with yourself it could have been a moment of weakness for him.

It's good that you tried putting it all in perspective reminding yourself to also remember the bad side of the breakup (kind of struggling with that myself here tbh). Regardless, this is definitely a logical argument against emotional argument. So don't feel bad that your emotions aren't really listening at this point.
About the therapy, I don't really think it's a bad thing. At this point you might be weaker than you'd normal be, thus it's not a problem to depend on something for now. Especially since it's helping you heal and it's healthy for you. That said yes, it's a pity you couldn't be there on Wednesday. This would have been a great situation to discuss.

Perhaps a good plan is to do nothing, weird as it sounds. But that's a plan. Don't initiate contact further, if he sends something again just reply honesty and civil but keep it short and sweet. Don't pour out all these emotions, I believe you've got them properly in check there. This might give you time to let it sink in a bit for now, maybe in a few days these feelings of missing and longing will subside again. I mean, it's like an addicted person get's a slight impuls again and the whole system is going 100% again because it's like ' HOLY Cr*p, never expected to get this impuls again! Let's do this!!!' . So yeah a slight impuls to kick-start the whole system. So let it sink in, if it lasts then you could discuss it during therapy.

As for seeing him again, the harm of it all is the fact that it could keep this system intact. Now this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if you don't want to re-start a relationship again then it's a bad thing. If you can objectively look at the outcome of the conversation that's best. If you can live with rejection, but also rejoice in acceptance. Then I think you are in the strongest position. But seeing him too soon would put you back again. It could kickstart a system of anxiety again and the feeling of rejection. If you are not prepared for that you could get yourself hurt even more.


So cr*ppy as it is, sit this feeling out just a little bit longer. Maybe it will subside.
I hope this outsider looking in perspective might give you something to rely on for now to stop the turmoil.

Thank you so much. This really makes sense.

[pippy longstocking]

You're falling backwards darling ....you are talking yourself into more pain ...this is the second time you have split right ? Don't do it to yourself .....you need to block him out of your life .

[Pretzel]

You're falling backwards darling ....you are talking yourself into more pain ...this is the second time you have split right ? Don't do it to yourself .....you need to block him out of your life .

Yeah...It is. The first time we got back together after 2 weeks though, and he was very available to me during that time, so it didn't feel really like either of us disappeared or moved on.

[pippy longstocking]

Yeah...It is. The first time we got back together after 2 weeks though, and he was very available to me during that time, so it didn't feel really like either of us disappeared or moved on.

ahh yep I see .. well he is not helping matters by telling you he misses you at all ...I am a bit confused as you said you where NC apart from a late night text ... but either way it is doing you no good having these conversations . But it is your choice if you want to suggest another talk with him , we are all different and some of us need to push it to the end of the road before we can accept it .
You sound in such desperate pain xx I remember it well I really do xx lots of love

[LHGirl]

An "I miss you" text is not the same as saying that he wants you back, or that he wants to work through things.

Missing someone after a while together is normal. Telling them you miss them, without some sort of plan or verbiage towards working things back together, is just that: words.

We can get so flummoxed from a few words on a screen, can't we.

He isn't offering you anything. No hope, no reconciliation, no apologies about anything that was his part, nor any discussions about communications so that you could express apologies for your part. Nothing.

IMO, he was probably just sitting with his friends, shooting the breeze, and your name came up, as exes' names often do, and he said some pleasant things about you.

It also sounds like he was trying to get a rise out of you, which worked. Don't let it.

[loip9114]

ahh yep I see .. well he is not helping matters by telling you he misses you at all ...I am a bit confused as you said you where NC apart from a late night text ... but either way it is doing you no good having these conversations . But it is your choice if you want to suggest another talk with him , we are all different and some of us need to push it to the end of the road before we can accept it .
You sound in such desperate pain xx I remember it well I really do xx lots of love

Yes, sometimes it's good to confront it head on. It will definitely not be fun as it will bring you even more pain than you already have, but sometimes that's the exact push you need to let it go.
If you can avoid it I would recommend that, but if you feel like that yes then maybe it's time to do something and find out.

If it's true you've broken up twice already, I would say there is something fundamentally wrong. Something neither of you has changed and therefore thrice will still break up. As I said, I can understand this single text would make you go in overdrive. That's completely understandable. Best is to not act on those feelings, and wait it out a bit. You did really good assessing it on face-value.

[boltnrun]

My ex used to text and call me, telling me he missed me and that no one ever understood him the way I do.

Then he'd go right back to his girlfriend and, (I presume), climb into bed with her.

I suppose there were things he missed about me. I accepted him unconditionally and seldom questioned him. I wanted him to love me so badly that I put up with stuff you wouldn't even believe. And I'm sure my doormat behavior had some appeal for him. Not enough to want to actually BE with me, but I'm sure it's nice to be worshiped lol.

So yeah, I'm sure there are things he misses about you. Whether or not those things are enough for him to want to get back together, I can't say. Only he knows that. But pinning your hopes on that might not turn out the way you want.

I think therapy is excellent. I recommend proceeding with the appointment.

[Radiate21]

Pretzel, I so feel your pain. After my ex broke up with me for the...sixth? seventh? time, he was responding to my Facebook messages with "hello dear," and "I don't want us to stop talking." But as soon as the conversation steered towards the idea of us getting back together, he shut it down. They aren't hurting in the same way that we are, but they are still hurting, and connecting momentarily feels just as good for them as it does for us. It's so hard to ignore the breadcrumbs, but you and I both deserve more than breadcrumbs. We deserve loaves upon loaves of fresh sourdough baguettes!!

I also wanted to post because of the fact that he's left you before, and he's doing it again. I'm still in the process of trying to convince myself that I can't attempt to plan a life with someone who has left me more than once. As painful as it is, and as much as I want things to work out with him, I don't think I will ever trust that I'm enough for him, ever, no matter what. Think about it. If he had the heart and the strength to leave you twice, why wouldn't he do it again?

The idea of being with someone who loves me unconditionally and who will never leave me, through thick and through thin, is almost a foreign concept to me. It may be turning into a foreign concept for you, too. But, how nice does that sound?! Being with someone who would never leave us!?!? It sounds like a fairy tale, but I think that's the type of person that you and I both need to hold out for.

<3