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Thread: "I miss you"

  1. #11
    Silver Member Pretzel's Avatar
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    Just wanted to update you guys that my impulses grew too strong and I called him the other day and things went south. I called to say i still have some of his stuff and that he can collect it if he wants, I was just being nice, didnt bring up the relationship, in my heart I wondered if we would talk then. He said he'd be there at the end of the week to pick it up. After the call, I sent a text saying that I missed him a lot, he was responding to me, and saying that of course he's thought of me a lot too etc, but his responses were more measured than mine were. Then, the next morning, i was at work and received a long message, about a paragraph, from him saying that he realised on the phone he responded in a way that was 'tired, resentful, compressed', that he hadn't felt that way in weeks but that he now understands why we broke up. He also said that the idea of me became stressful to him and it still is and this developed over a long time and that that's how he knew we wouldn't work in the long term.

    WOW. I received this, I went straight to the bathroom at work and just burst into tears. It wasn't that it was over, but it was the way that, I already experienced rejection from him, and it was rejection x 100000. The idea of me being stressful to him, when I had just been writing him love poems in my journal the last few weeks, CRUSHED me. I called him and said that was a horrible thing to say, why would you send me a message like that, I completely broke down, he was insisting that 'I didn't say it to hurt you i was just telling you what went on in my head'. I cried, and cried and cried. I told him how sensitive I am, how bad it's been, how I can't handle those kinds of messages.

    He was supportive and kind for about 20 minutes. Then he hung up, said he can't stay on the phone any longer. I begged him not to hang up but he did anyway.

    Afterwards, I sent a message saying that I've taken this as a cue that he doesn't want to be here for me anymore, and message taken, we don't have to see each other again. I deleted his number and deleted and blocked him from social media.

    I feel anguish and anxiety since. I think blocking him from social media was the right move, but I'm not sure if blocking his number was. I wish we could have ended on better terms.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    You might do..but not right now.

    This is why we, as a community here, support each other to do what we can to stick to NIC.

    What you did was completely normal...You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last*

    But this is definitely the most common outcome of breaking NIC.

    As bad as it feels right now it is definitely another step forward for you.

    <big virtual hug>
    Carus*

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Pretzel
    Just wanted to update you guys that my impulses grew too strong and I called him the other day and things went south. I called to say i still have some of his stuff and that he can collect it if he wants, I was just being nice, didnt bring up the relationship, in my heart I wondered if we would talk then. He said he'd be there at the end of the week to pick it up. After the call, I sent a text saying that I missed him a lot, he was responding to me, and saying that of course he's thought of me a lot too etc, but his responses were more measured than mine were. Then, the next morning, i was at work and received a long message, about a paragraph, from him saying that he realised on the phone he responded in a way that was 'tired, resentful, compressed', that he hadn't felt that way in weeks but that he now understands why we broke up. He also said that the idea of me became stressful to him and it still is and this developed over a long time and that that's how he knew we wouldn't work in the long term.

    WOW. I received this, I went straight to the bathroom at work and just burst into tears. It wasn't that it was over, but it was the way that, I already experienced rejection from him, and it was rejection x 100000. The idea of me being stressful to him, when I had just been writing him love poems in my journal the last few weeks, CRUSHED me. I called him and said that was a horrible thing to say, why would you send me a message like that, I completely broke down, he was insisting that 'I didn't say it to hurt you i was just telling you what went on in my head'. I cried, and cried and cried. I told him how sensitive I am, how bad it's been, how I can't handle those kinds of messages.

    He was supportive and kind for about 20 minutes. Then he hung up, said he can't stay on the phone any longer. I begged him not to hang up but he did anyway.

    Afterwards, I sent a message saying that I've taken this as a cue that he doesn't want to be here for me anymore, and message taken, we don't have to see each other again. I deleted his number and deleted and blocked him from social media.

    I feel anguish and anxiety since. I think blocking him from social media was the right move, but I'm not sure if blocking his number was. I wish we could have ended on better terms.
    Asking questions you don't know the answer for is always a risk and it's a sure-fire way of setting your healing back. NC is recommended for a reason. Think about it, there's only one answer from him that would 100% satisfy you. What are the odds that you get it? After you broke up and you're the one breaking contact. If he felt the way you did, he'd move mountains to be with you. There'd be no stopping him because he knows what - how - you feel. He knows and yet he does nothing. Don't you think this is all you need to know?

    It's hard. So hard, I know. All we want is to hear their voice again. Listen to some words and find some comfort and hope in them, but...they're never enough. They never will. Unless it's a "I still love you and want to work things out, I'm sorry for everything." then all the rest is just noise.

    NC. Don't break it. Ever. Only when you know you're ready for any answer you might get (and that only happens when you no longer care).

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pretzel
    Then, the next morning, i was at work and received a long message, about a paragraph, from him saying that he realised on the phone he responded in a way that was 'tired, resentful, compressed', that he hadn't felt that way in weeks but that he now understands why we broke up. He also said that the idea of me became stressful to him and it still is and this developed over a long time and that that's how he knew we wouldn't work in the long term.
    Originally Posted by Pretzel
    he was insisting that 'I didn't say it to hurt you i was just telling you what went on in my head'. .
    What a jerk. That was a totally hurtful thing to say, and I'm sure he knew it. But he's being passive aggressive and pretending like a statement like that isn't hurtful.

    Can you imagine saying something like that to your boss, or a client? Anyone with half a brain would know better.

    "Oh hey, everything was great here until you walked into the room."

    Or

    "Wow, I didn't realize how fat you were until you wore those pants. I'm just telling you what's on my mind. I'm not trying to be mean."

    Yeah right.

    Kicking someone while they're down is NOT COOL.

    I suppose it is a shame that things had to end like this, but I really do think you should block him completely and move on.

    The pain WILL fade.

    I hope you feel better soon.

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  6. #15
    Silver Member Pretzel's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    What a jerk. That was a totally hurtful thing to say, and I'm sure he knew it. But he's being passive aggressive and pretending like a statement like that isn't hurtful.

    Can you imagine saying something like that to your boss, or a client? Anyone with half a brain would know better.

    "Oh hey, everything was great here until you walked into the room."

    Or

    "Wow, I didn't realize how fat you were until you wore those pants. I'm just telling you what's on my mind. I'm not trying to be mean."

    Yeah right.

    Kicking someone while they're down is NOT COOL.

    I suppose it is a shame that things had to end like this, but I really do think you should block him completely and move on.

    The pain WILL fade.

    I hope you feel better soon.
    This makes me feel better - as he didn't even really apologise. Just kept repeating 'I didn't say it to hurt you, it's just that you always said you never understood, and now I Think I do'... then he backtracked when i was upset 'I didn't mean it was you, just that it was a pattern WE slipped into' - both of us.

    Pfffft. I don't understand either. To be honest, I believe my call just made him resentful because I reminded him of his guilt for leaving me. And there he is trying to rationalise it as a reason for why we broke. UGH. Wish i could stop feeling these negative feelings.

  7. #16
    Silver Member Pretzel's Avatar
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    I think FULL NC and blocking of everything is a good thing - a good result from this because at least it'll be easier to fully let go. Part of me is sad and depressed though, that he didn't email me afterwards. To say sorry.

    I know it's dumb. I was kind of hoping he would.

  8. #17
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    Awwww Pretzel, I know how much this hurts. It's like you're being stabbed from the inside. And yes, I totally understand the desire to have him send an email with an apology, as his words were unbelievably harsh, but I think you know, that's just not going to happen.

    How gut-wrenching. I am truly sorry.

    I would donate his stuff to charity and yeah, stay NC for good now.

    I recently read that NC is for our brains to literally heal, as the neural pathways have been altered by our connection. So, NC helps the brain's pathways heal in a very literal sense, kind of like keeping a fresh wound bandaged and away from germs. Think of him as bacteria that will continue to infect your brain.....you need to keep that bacteria away.

    I'm going through a very similar difficult time with NC as well, so trust me when I say, I know exactly how you feel.

  9. #18
    Silver Member Pretzel's Avatar
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    Thank you. Gut-wrenching is exactly the word. I couldn't describe it before in words but that's probably the closest to how i felt in that moment. This impression I have of the relationship being so far from what he has conjured.

    All those amazing memories of doing normal things in the daily life were so special to me. Even just walking to the train station in the mornings for work. I even used to get this rush of excitement when I'd come back to the room he is in, after leaving it even briefly like to go get something from another room or to go to the bathroom. Every single granular memory of it was exciting and wonderful for me. ALL THE TIME. And yeah we fought sometimes and yeah there were issues. But to ME it was like who cares. We'll sort it out. I get that he obviously sees things very very differently. I just really didn't need to know about it being that negative for him. It's ruined everything for me, makes me think I just made it all up in my head. I feel insane, have been waking up with a tightness in my chest the past few days.

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