Jump to content

My boyfriend won't apologise for starting a silly fight


25Kathryn

Recommended Posts

A few days ago my bf came back home and started a massive argument with me. Why? Because I was tidying up the place!

 

I would understand if he came home and a place was a total mess and I was home all day doing nothing but starting a fight and being nasty to me because I made our place tidy and nice for both of us to relax?

 

Now he said he felt like I was cleaning after him as if he didn't do a good job enough when he tidied up but that was 4 days earlier! And he said is was clean. But since then we had friends staying over for the weekend and I only gave the kitchen a quick clean up and was hovering when he came home.

 

Now he says it's my fault. That I started this argument and of course won't apologise for being a ***. I told him it was ridiculous and if he didn't like coming home to a clean place, I will not tidy up again (until he realises he was wrong) and

I stopped tidying up, I am leaving my clothes and dirty plates all over the place. He's not arguing about that as he knows why I'm doing it and he knows I was right but he won't apologise. We haven't been talking since then

 

I'm really sad, what can I do about it? He's so stubborn!

Link to comment

Thanks for the reply.

Though I was actually hoping that someone can advise what I should do in this situation to solve this issue between us and not just to move out.

 

Also, just wanted to add that it's not like he is a messy person and I like it to be clean. We both like when our place is clean and we both tidy up. It's just this one time he reacted like that and I don't know why and what to do about it. I don't think that I should leave the person because of one silly argument.

 

So if anyone could share their thoughts on this particular issue, I would much appreciate it.

Link to comment

"A few days ago my bf came back home and started a massive argument with me. Why? Because I was tidying up the place!"

"Now he said he felt like I was cleaning after him as if he didn't do a good job enough when he tidied up but that was 4 days earlier!"

"Now he says it's my fault. That I started this argument and of course won't [apologize] for being a ***."

 

I'm sorry Kathryn, but I don't think the standard 'work on your communication skills, get into therapy' band-aids will fix him.

He's sounds like an abuser.

 

Was his Father an abuser?

 

PS, I know you want it to work, but it never will if you have to force it.

Link to comment

No, both his parents are lovely people and he did say that it was because he felt like I didn't think he tidy good enough and that I had to correct after him.

And said that I should have just rest after a hard day at work and not tidy up. So on the one hand I can understand that he may have felt like I think he didn't do his job good enough.

 

 

And should I really leave him after one argument like that? Nowadays people are too quick to leave as it's so easy to find someone else but I love him and don't want just to give up on him as soon as we have our first argument.

 

I'm also trying to understand his point of view and why he may have reacted like that.

Link to comment
"A few days ago my bf came back home and started a massive argument with me. Why? Because I was tidying up the place!"

"Now he said he felt like I was cleaning after him as if he didn't do a good job enough when he tidied up but that was 4 days earlier!"

"Now he says it's my fault. That I started this argument and of course won't [apologize] for being a ***."

 

I'm sorry Kathryn, but I don't think the standard 'work on your communication skills, get into therapy' band-aids will fix him.

He's sounds like an abuser.

 

Was his Father an abuser?

 

PS, I know you want it to work, but it never will if you have to force it.

 

How long have you been together? How long until you moved in together?

 

This isn't some silly fight. This one is about power and control.

Link to comment

At face value, it would seem absurd for someone to get upset over their partner tidying up, but I'm wondering if that's not the exact yourself you are isolating the matter like this.

 

How long have you two been together? Whose idea was it to move in? Do you have kids? Are you working? Are the finances equal? Whose house / apartment was it originally? And what exactly does a "massive argument" entail?

 

Either there's a whole lot more driving him to be resentful and blow up over something so menial or, as Lester suggests, the guy's simply abusive. Personally, I'd be more inclined toward the former as he could be stewing for any number of reasons. If you could answer some of my questions above, that'd help actually interpret the situation.

 

But this is what I don't quite get:

 

I stopped tidying up, I am leaving my clothes and dirty plates all over the place.

 

How does him [in his eyes] not wanting you to clean up after him lead to you not even picking up after yourself?

Link to comment
At face value, it would seem absurd for someone to get upset over their partner tidying up, but I'm wondering if that's not the exact yourself you are isolating the matter like this.

 

How long have you two been together? Whose idea was it to move in? Do you have kids? Are you working? Are the finances equal? Whose house / apartment was it originally? And what exactly does a "massive argument" entail?

 

Either there's a whole lot more driving him to be resentful and blow up over something so menial or, as Lester suggests, the guy's simply abusive. Personally, I'd be more inclined toward the former as he could be stewing for any number of reasons. If you could answer some of my questions above, that'd help actually interpret the situation.

 

But this is what I don't quite get:

 

 

 

How does him [in his eyes] not wanting you to clean up after him lead to you not even picking up after yourself?

 

1. We've been together almost 4 years and living together almost 2.

2. The first year of living together was great and then things started to change.

3. He has 3 kids from his first marriage. Teenagers. 2 boys and 1 girl. Things were OK until his daughter entered a teen age and became mean - to everyone, not only to me. They don't live with us, they live with their mom.

4. We both are working and sharing bills equally.

5. We moved in here after we found the place together.

6. I guess there may be some things that as you said, make him resentful but not sure what because I do find it really strange that he started a fight because I was tidying up. So if there are other reasons behind it, what can I do to find out or fix the situation? Should I really just gave up on this relationship and leave without even trying?

7. I told him that if he's not happy to come home to a clean place, he would probably like it more to come back to a dirty one to see that it could look like if I didn't tidy up. And he is not telling me off for making all that mess because, as I see it, he knows I am right just doesn't want to admit it so keeps his mouth shout.

Link to comment

Thanks. How do I find out what the real reason behind it is?

Simply asking him didn't help, I tried that.

Also, if I try to talk to him and fix the issue, things get even worse. Noticed that the more I'm trying, the more nasty he becomes to me.

 

That's why this time decided not to try to talk and force solving it but to simply stop tidying up (which is a nightmare as I hate messy places but thought that I tried talking and being nice too so this may be the only way to make him understand. But looks like it doesn't work

Link to comment

How does him [in his eyes] not wanting you to clean up after him lead to you not even picking up after yourself?

 

Oh, and it's not like I was cleaning up after him. I was simply hovering in the hall at the time he came home. He did that 4 days before and since then we had a lot of guests over the weekend and since it was muddy, the hall was quite dirty.

Link to comment

I guess you need to look at other aspects of your relationship before deciding whether to stay or not, but the fact that you can't discuss problems without him getting nasty does not bode well. That's regardless of what the problems are.

 

For what it's worth, I'd been seeing a guy for about two years... had thought vaguely that we might live together some day. I realised we wouldn't be (a) he was an absolute slob and (b) he would get angry with me for tidying and cleaning. And I'm a fairly messy-ish person myself!

 

However, in your case, don't stop putting your own things away. It's making your home more and more uncomfortable for you - just to make a point to him - and you are being just as stubborn as he is.

Link to comment

I don't think you should be packing your bags just yet , but I do think there is so much underlying , it is like having 30 pages missing in a book , reading your post ... there is something going on .

 

Don't leave your stuff around just to prove a point , it is so passive aggressive to do things like that , that you will never get to the bottom of this because you are both point scoring .

Link to comment
I don't think you should be packing your bags just yet , but I do think there is so much underlying , it is like having 30 pages missing in a book , reading your post ... there is something going on .

 

Don't leave your stuff around just to prove a point , it is so passive aggressive to do things like that , that you will never get to the bottom of this because you are both point scoring .

 

True but it's probably too much to write here... we've been together 4 years.

So how should I try to sort this out if trying to talk to him makes it worse? I'm just running out of ideas.

Link to comment

...I also wanted to teach him a lesson by not tidying up until he realizes what a mess this place can be if I don't clean it so he can appreciate it.

because yes, he should be glad that I tidy up and not tell me off for that.

Hoped that the best way to help him understand is by actually showing and not just saying but it seems not to work either

Link to comment
Things were OK until his daughter entered a teen age and became mean - to everyone, not only to me.

Elaborate on this a bit. What kind of implications has this had on your relationship with your partner?

 

I guess there may be some things that as you said, make him resentful but not sure what because I do find it really strange that he started a fight because I was tidying up. So if there are other reasons behind it, what can I do to find out or fix the situation? Should I really just gave up on this relationship and leave without even trying?
What king of things might those be? It's easy to assume they might be unrelated, but as previously mentioned by someone else, this boils down to power and control, which is obviously much more encompassing than you busting out the bleach spray. Cleaning and tidying up can be just as much an act of responsibility and laying claim as it is one of sanitation, so if he justifiably or not feels he's lost "control," then you bulldozing his cleaning efforts could be seen an affront.

 

Or, if you truly think it may be an isolated context, think about the manner you clean in. For example, I'm actually the partner who cleans and tidies up. I'm pretty vigilant about the common areas. But it's something I enjoy doing. I get a lot of folks will never like cleaning, but I have lived with people whose attitude or clunkiness made the environment pretty miserable while they cleaned. Also, I do "allow" my lady her office that goes completely untouched by my tidying efforts. It's sanitary but holy **** I won't be surprised when social services comes to our door because of how neglected her filing cabinet is. Now, again, this is if you're going to insist on honing in on the cleaning issue. It could be an attitude thing or he might feel he has no control, in which case letting him have his own area to leave a harmless mess as he sees fit may help (assuming he hasn't one already).

 

7. I told him that if he's not happy to come home to a clean place, he would probably like it more to come back to a dirty one to see that it could look like if I didn't tidy up. And he is not telling me off for making all that mess because, as I see it, he knows I am right just doesn't want to admit it so keeps his mouth shout.
Sorry, but this is pretty bad, and I can't help but wonder if this sorta scorched earth approach of yours to conflict resolution hasn't presented itself in other ways that could just as well lead to mundane arguments. Again, not to defend him beyond what I know, but I can just as easily see him not "telling you off" because there's really no benefit to addressing a grown adult engaging in that kind of childish behavior. Just pick up after yourself. Especially with the dirty plates. That's nasty.
Link to comment

I agree with the others; there has got to be more going on between you two and the frustrations built up until this seemingly innocuous issue triggered a blow-out. How have you two been getting along in general lately? What sorts of things usually cause tension?

 

I also agree that leaving your own dirty dishes around and generally not cleaning up after yourself to prove a point is ineffective. Being passive-aggressive is just shooting yourself in the foot.

Link to comment

 

I also agree that leaving your own dirty dishes around and generally not cleaning up after yourself to prove a point is ineffective. Being passive-aggressive is just shooting yourself in the foot.

 

I know I hate messy places!

But what should I do instead IF I want to get somewhere with this? As I said, talking to him doesn't work. SO are you saying that I should just swallow it and let him have it his way? Like always? He wasn't even right to start a fight because I was tidying up!

Link to comment

Now, it was nice of you to clean up the place, and he was probably wrong to blow up at you about it.

 

Hostility is a positive feedback loop. If you continue being petty with leaving stuff everywhere, he is less and less likely to apologize. Continue to be polite, only clean up what you need to -- don't cause an additional mess.

Link to comment
Now, it was nice of you to clean up the place, and he was probably wrong to blow up at you about it.

 

Hostility is a positive feedback loop. If you continue being petty with leaving stuff everywhere, he is less and less likely to apologize. Continue to be polite, only clean up what you need to -- don't cause an additional mess.

 

Thanks. I will tidy that up, I'm so tired of living in that mess

But will he ever realise what that all was about and will he apologise? I don't think so so looks like I haven't achieved anything and his behaviour won't change

and I don't wnt him to see it as I gave up and he won, as if he was right about it

 

And after this fight I do want him to apologise but I can't and I won't him do that. But I do feel very hurt with his reaction for me doing something nice (and really normal) for both of us.

 

And if I give up on it, he will just continue being like that.

Link to comment
Thanks. I will tidy that up, I'm so tired of living in that mess

But will he ever realise what that all was about and will he apologise? I don't think so so looks like I haven't achieved anything and his behaviour won't change

and I don't wnt him to see it as I gave up and he won, as if he was right about it

 

And after this fight I do want him to apologise but I can't and I won't him do that. But I do feel very hurt with his reaction for me doing something nice (and really normal) for both of us.

 

And if I give up on it, he will just continue being like that.

 

If you want to live together happily, you can't communicate with him about how you feel by leaving him a trail of clothes and expecting him to figure it all out Tell him that you're hurt. That you expected him to apologize because you didn't feel it was right for him to blow up like that. That you won't tolerate arguments like that in the future. That if he has a problem with something you do, you expect him to communicate about it straightforward, in a non-agressive way, and address the real issue rather than the problem of cleaning up. He still might not listen to it, but you have a slight chance of things improving over a series of confrontations, while communicating with hints is counter productive.

Link to comment
True but it's probably too much to write here... we've been together 4 years.

So how should I try to sort this out if trying to talk to him makes it worse? I'm just running out of ideas.

 

Hi, here's a suggestion. This has worked for me in the past. If he won't talk to you without arguing, write him a letter. You can say something like:

"I'm very unsettled about the argument we had over what seems a simple matter. Now we're not talking and I feel something bigger is going on. If you're upset at me for something else, or stressed by something going on in your life, I would appreciate you sharing that with me. I love you and would really like to resolve this."

 

Hopefully he will reply to such a letter. I don't think one argument should lead to you leaving him, but you need to know what's really going on.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...