Difficult choice

Hi,

I'll tell my story. I don't want any judgement, just advices of different person with other perspective than mine.

I'm father of 2 kids (2,4), just moved in our brand new house with my wife and married this year as well.

The construction of the house was really really difficult pour our relationship. A lots of tensions and arguments.

3 month ago, I've been in touch with an old friend, she's in a relationship as well. After our first "date" as friend, both of us felt something was happening.

Something strong.

We've discussed a lot, like 80/100 messages per day and we started having our secret relationship.

We have in mind that was a bonus relationship in order to maintain our main one.

We discovered we have a lot in commun, on a lot of point. Humor, hobbies, lifestyle, ... everything was easy. We were like "connected". Really strange. But perfect.

After 3 month of intense sex, secret meetings, days off together on road trip... she said stop because she want to try her relationship at 100%,even to risk to be disappointed if her boyfriend stopped his effort after 2 weeks.

That was kind of an expectation but I didn't know that "break up" was going to be very hard for me.

I realized that women have more in commun with me on almost every point than my wife.

I realized as well I'm in love with her.

That's the bad point. I don't what to do.

She have a relationship I would qualify as unstable.

She once said she would make me happier than my wife. But she said she want try her relationship.

My question for you, if read everything ( thank you very much)

Should I tell her what I feel?

Should I tell her I want to divorce and leave with her?

Let her go?

Be her (weird) friend and see what happens?

Please, what do you think?

I'm currently heartbroken. Really. That's been 3 weeks and I can't stp thinking about her.

Thank you for your advices.

Jo.

After 3 month of intense sex, secret meetings, days off together on road trip...

After three months, you're still in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Any relationship. Even if you'd left your wife, and she'd left her boyfriend, it would not continue like this, and you'd start to see the other person as they really are. THIS is the point at which the relationship really starts, not the heady, romantic, hormone-fuelled honeymoon period - and this is the point where your mistress has chosen her boyfriend over you.

Relationships which last aren't about the exciting, secret meetings etc; they are about your ability to solve conflicts, to argue and still see the other person's point of view, and solve problems together. Clearly she sees more of a future with her boyfriend (no matter how unstable you think their relationship is) than she does with you. That's all you need to know.

Cut contact with the "friend" and let her work on her own relationship. At only three weeks since the split, of course you're still heartbroken, but let yourself know that the "love" was an illusion and will pass in time. Cut all contact with her because to do otherwise will cause you even more pain.

Your relationship with your wife and family is a separate one - deal with the aftermath of the affair for now.

Really clear answer. You're making a lots of good points.

To be honest, when I said her relationship was unstable, that's not a judgement from my lover point of view. It's really all the things she said to me about how their life was.

I think you're right I should let her go. Too bad because I never felt that with anyone. We got the same taste in food, ideas, lifestyle... and sex of course lol.

Thanks you very much for your answers.

It's gonna be difficult to cut contact but I'll try. She make contact with me few days after she broke up and i wasn't strong enough to not reply

I'll try to be strong and cut that

You must know that your wife senses something.

Yes. She see I'm near depression but I had a sport incident few weeks ago, so no sport, no competition... and she assume that's the reason for me being sad...

That's as well a true reason but not the main one.

Are you ok with being a "weekend dad"?

Why weekend dad?

You mean in case of divorce?

I would ask to have the kids with me if that happen.

Even not speaking about the mistress. I'm not really happy anymore in my relationship.

I know it's hard to go through tuff period when when do you know if it's a tuff period or just the end?

I thought about that this week and the border is really thin.

I'm still on "tuff period"side but really close from the other side.

Hard to know when you crossed the line and the hope of repairing the relationship is over.

What grounds do you have to be awarded full custody?

I would say why not...

But that's not the topic

What's your opinion on the main question?

You need to ask yourself this question...

If you were truly happy with who you chose to spend the rest of your life with, would you have still stepped out?

On the first place I stepped out because of the lack of sex at home.

And I thought it would be stupid to breakup because of that. Considering the rest.

The timing was fortunate, I get back in touch with my friend just when my relationship was going really bad.

The balance was perfect between sex on one side and family on the other.

The feelings appears when she broke up....

Thanks for your advices everybody.

I won't contact her but I know she will, so may the force be with me.

New question,

I'm invited to a big event and there's 90% chance she'll be there.

Maybe we won't see each other but if we do.

What could be the best attitude?

I'll be formal, a bit distant...?

Gonna be hard but that event really worst it

After three months, you're still in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Any relationship. Even if you'd left your wife, and she'd left her boyfriend, it would not continue like this, and you'd start to see the other person as they really are. THIS is the point at which the relationship really starts, not the heady, romantic, hormone-fuelled honeymoon period - and this is the point where your mistress has chosen her boyfriend over you.

 

Relationships which last aren't about the exciting, secret meetings etc; they are about your ability to solve conflicts, to argue and still see the other person's point of view, and solve problems together. Clearly she sees more of a future with her boyfriend (no matter how unstable you think their relationship is) than she does with you. That's all you need to know.

 

Cut contact with the "friend" and let her work on her own relationship. At only three weeks since the split, of course you're still heartbroken, but let yourself know that the "love" was an illusion and will pass in time. Cut all contact with her because to do otherwise will cause you even more pain.

 

Your relationship with your wife and family is a separate one - deal with the aftermath of the affair for now.

Thanks.

Sometime easy to forget her, and sometime really hard...

Ill bet my paycheck you felt the same way about your wife when you first met her.

It's all very typical that you feel the high in the beginning and the excitement ultimately levels out.

How about putting all that energy you have given to this other person into your marriage?

A good marraige just doesn't come automatically. Its something you invest time and attention to. But your attention has been elsewhere.

How about marriage counseling?

I can't think of a better investment, honestly. You might agree that your kids are at least worth it.

Imagine having an amazing relationship with your very own wife?

It's all possible, you know. You just have to want it bad enough.

Ill bet my paycheck you felt the same way about your wife when you first met her.

 

It's all very typical that you feel the high in the beginning and the excitement ultimately levels out.

How about putting all that energy you have given to this other person into your marriage?

A good marraige just doesn't come automatically. Its something you invest time and attention to. But your attention has been elsewhere.

 

How about marriage counseling?

I can't think of a better investment, honestly. You might agree that your kids are at least worth it.

 

Imagine having an amazing relationship with your very own wife?

It's all possible, you know. You just have to want it bad enough.

The feeling was different. Less strong.

Probably a part of that feeling is because of the secret.

But on the other hand, I have really more in commun with that women than my wife.

I understand your point of view, and you're right.

It's just, when our mariage have some down, in the only one doing some moves to make things better.

And time after time, get tired to be the only one making that works.

Whatever, the mistress broke up. I need to move on.

It's quite difficult to forget her.

But honestly, I don't know anybody answered me on that conversation but it's really nice to talk to someone and ear some advices. Even if I don't like them all lol.

Thank you all.

Like i said on a previous message. I won't contact her but high chance of seeing her next week in a party. Should I try to avoid any visual contact if I see her?

Like i said on a previous message. I won't contact her but high chance of seeing her next week in a party. Should I try to avoid any visual contact if I see her?

No need to go out of your way avoiding her or otherwise. Just go with it and trust you'll know what to do when it happens.

You're in honeymoon phase. Believe me leaving your wife for this woman would not be wise with two kids. It's crazy hard to be in a relationship with someone with kids and like someone else said, it's all fun for her but she clearly sees more of a future with her Bf than with you. Let it go and look within /in the mirror. What are you trying to avoid by being with this other woman. There is something that is prompting you to seek this emotional intimacy elsewhere

No need to go out of your way avoiding her or otherwise. Just go with it and trust you'll know what to do when it happens.

Thanks , I hope so.

I wasn't expecting to be heartbroken that much... really weird.

You're in honeymoon phase. Believe me leaving your wife for this woman would not be wise with two kids. It's crazy hard to be in a relationship with someone with kids and like someone else said, it's all fun for her but she clearly sees more of a future with her Bf than with you. Let it go and look within /in the mirror. What are you trying to avoid by being with this other woman. There is something that is prompting you to seek this emotional intimacy elsewhere

Sorry, didn't see your answer.

I clearly see the point you and other pointed out.

She choose him.

But I probably forgot that important point.

On our first kiss, we settled rules. Not much. Just 2.

1 relationship first

2 fidelity between us ( to be clear, 1 mistress only, both side)

When she broke up, she said she wanted to go through her relationship.

She asked me if I was angry, sad...

I said I was sad but she owed me nothing. I wasn't looking for argue. Because that was looking for me the most mature way out, and true.

Then 2 days after I realized how important was our relationship. I can go over the sex we had.

It's more about the exchange itself. She get me, and me her.

She contact me few days after, wasn't strong enough to not reply ( should of write here before that).

It's now 7 days with no contact.

I'm getting nuts.

1- I miss our daily exchange and "connected " mind. Didn't take more than 4 words to understand each other. Really 100% on the same page.

2- she was my mistress. No more. And I don't understand my heartbroken. Really.

I know I thought I loved her( thanks for advices), but why is that so hard ???

I'm usually very pragmatic. And it's not like me.

I don't recognize myself in that sadness.

Any thought? Or I'm just a weirdo...

Hello everybody.

I'll be honest.

I need a bit of few comments to help me going through it.

I can't tell my story to anybody in my life. I don't really trust people when then can hurt you. I prefer put my trust in persons with neutral opinion and no trustful because of the non IRL relation.

Thanks in advance.

Hello everybody.

 

I'll be honest.

I need a bit of few comments to help me going through it.

 

I can't tell my story to anybody in my life. I don't really trust people when then can hurt you. I prefer put my trust in persons with neutral opinion and no trustful because of the non IRL relation.

 

Thanks in advance.

Considering everything, I think your responses have been very kind.

People who typically come here have been wronged and hurt by someone else. Someone like you usually gets lit up here but you somehow managed to avoid that by being transparent and taking responsibility.

You've gotten some fair feedback, but don't know how much hand holding you'll get seeing your fling moved on and now you are left behind with your wife and kids.

Tough it out. . you'll be ok.

Considering everything, I think your responses have been very kind.

People who typically come here have been wronged and hurt by someone else. Someone like you usually gets lit up here but you somehow managed to avoid that by being transparent and taking responsibility.

 

You've gotten some fair feedback, but don't know how much hand holding you'll get seeing your fling moved on and now you are left behind with your wife and kids.

Tough it out. . you'll be ok.

The comments here really helped me out.

I know i made a mistake for the people just read the firsts line.

Originally, I cheated to avoid the breakup cause of the lack of sex. Thought it was better to cheat on with kids in the balance than being selfish.

Point of vue is really personal. I'll understand the persona won't get mine. I tried many times to "warm" my wife in explicit words such as " you're tired, upset, got a lot in your mind,... i got it but with 2 kids, if we don't have sex to reconnect I'll have it elsewhere".

The thing is before I really put that threat in motion, I've said it about 10 time... so she didn't really believe it I think.

To answer your comment, yes it's hard for me to be alone in my mind knowing she's moving forward.

But that's the sad part of the "game".

That's why reading comments of anybody make me feel better and help me moving on.

Sincerely thanks to everybody answered here.

I wished I posted here on the first day after the breakup cause you'll say to me to not reply to anything from her.

Unfortunately, I answered, and she left me in "no answer mode" after few messages.

You're right, like others said, I'll be ok after few weeks. It's just hard now.

And reading your comments really help.

I think you need to cut all ties with your mistress. Your wife has been stressed with chasing after two small children and dealing with the construction of your house. The remedy for that is weekend getaways without the kids to relax and reconnect, counseling, etc, not going on a "friend date" with someone to see how it goes for an affair. And trust me, if you end up with the mistress, she had no problems with going after a married man - so you think she will actually he loyal down the road??

And she won't look so great either when there is any real stress in your lives. You are very fair weather.

Why weekend dad?

You mean in case of divorce?

I would ask to have the kids with me if that happen.

 

Even not speaking about the mistress. I'm not really happy anymore in my relationship.

I know it's hard to go through tuff period when when do you know if it's a tuff period or just the end?

 

I thought about that this week and the border is really thin.

I'm still on "tuff period"side but really close from the other side.

 

Hard to know when you crossed the line and the hope of repairing the relationship is over.

There is no case unless the mom is on drugs or in jail that the mother is not awarded full or joint custody of TODDLERS and BABIES. You are living in a fantasy world if you think you can go on with your life, just minus your wife. You will be a half the week or weekend dad if you leave your wife or separate from her - and trust me, you will be barred from bringing the other woman around your kids. you will lose the house to foreclosure or you will be paying for a house you won't be living in.

You should think in a marriage when you are having a tough period -- that its a tough period and that you straighten things out -- vs turning tail and leaving at the first sign of trouble.

Point of vue is really personal. I'll understand the persona won't get mine. I tried many times to "warm" my wife in explicit words such as " you're tired, upset, got a lot in your mind,... i got it but with 2 kids, if we don't have sex to reconnect I'll have it elsewhere".

Seriously? You don't say to your stressed wife "i got it that you are tired from raising two small children that i don't help with and that you have to deal with this construction mess, but if you don't give me sex i am going to get it elsewhere." NO. you GET RID OF HER STRESS by getting a babysitter sometimes, or a mother's helper - a teenage kid to come over and play with the kids a couple hours 2-3 times a week so she can get something done to make some headway on the house or coordinating the construction. You date your wife - you go out like you were first dating. you let her sleep in on the weekend and YOU get up with the kids. When she is less tired --- you will get sex.

BTW, your wife needs to know you are a cheater so she can get tested for STDs