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Should I tell my friend something on my mind or not?


Jcucinotta4815

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Thanks hun. Much appreciated. Want to tell the guy I like he really hurt my feelings again last night over something. I asked kinda last minute if I could stay over with him and a mutual friend after a night of drinking and cards against humanity. I thought I was going to be late for coming home because I am going to the Cape. At first he said yes and then when we wanted to go to sleep he said he wished I had told him sooner I wanted to stay (I hem and hawed about it until 10:30 last night) because him sleeping on the floor is not good for his narcolepsy. He offered to sleep on floor at first. But then I left because I wanted him to sleep well. Should I tell him deep down I felt hurt and he was again making me feel like a bad person?

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He wasn't MAKING you feel like a bad person. You felt like a bad person. That's on you. He has nothing to do with it. You felt guilty because you waited way to long to ask to stay the night and you were super inconveniencing him and not leaving him much of an option. You left because you felt bad when he told you how uncomfortable he was going to be sleeping on the floor with narcolepsy and you went home. You feel like a bad person because you assumed that it was a small ask to stay at his place and it turns out it was a big ask. You aren't a bad person and he didn't make you feel that way.

 

This is something you deal with on your own. And make plans, like spending the night, a lot earlier.

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He wasn't MAKING you feel like a bad person. You felt like a bad person. That's on you. He has nothing to do with it. You felt guilty because you waited way to long to ask to stay the night and you were super inconveniencing him and not leaving him much of an option. You left because you felt bad when he told you how uncomfortable he was going to be sleeping on the floor with narcolepsy and you went home. You feel like a bad person because you assumed that it was a small ask to stay at his place and it turns out it was a big ask. You aren't a bad person and he didn't make you feel that way.

 

This is something you deal with on your own. And make plans, like spending the night, a lot earlier.

 

About the plan making, that part I get and I feel is reasonable enough. Just feeling like I always get judged by him for making mistakes like that. I am in love with the guy too (sometimes to the point where I have been clingy and overly emotional), and he still feels like I am obsessive or crazy even though I am doing my best not to be. I just enjoy his company when we joke and gave fun.

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This is a guy you would like to date? Am I reading that right?

 

I do love him yes. Have loved him for two years. The relationship I have with him as a friend is complicated. We tried the dating thing but it never got anywhere and I was sad (but I know now it was because I was obsessive when we tried the dating thing and it was highly based on sex). But now he is into a girl I highly dislike and that makes me upset. Not as much that they are into each other but that he expects me to be close friends with her because she lives close to me and she and I are both on the autism spectrum. She is just too much of a showy person for my tastes.

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He is like that when guests are around. His guy friend took his bed and he said I could take the couch at first. He is a gentlemen that way.

 

Asking your host with sleeping issues to sleep on the floor is a big ask. And one your shouldn't make lightly. And one you should talk through before 10:30pm the night of. AND it sounds like he was still offering... you choose not to because that is the nice thing to do when your friend is going to be uncomfortable all night for you. But yeah... I would offer to sleep on the floor if that situation came up. I might just go home like you did. But I wouldn't sit my kind friend down and tell them they hurt my feelings by letting me know how much I was putting him out if I stayed. I would probably apologizes for putting him in that situation in the first place.

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I do love him yes. Have loved him for two years. The relationship I have with him as a friend is complicated. We tried the dating thing but it never got anywhere and I was sad (but I know now it was because I was obsessive when we tried the dating thing and it was highly based on sex). But now he is into a girl I highly dislike and that makes me upset. Not as much that they are into each other but that he expects me to be close friends with her because she lives close to me and she and I are both on the autism spectrum. She is just too much of a showy person for my tastes.

 

It sounds like you need to give this friendship space so you can heal. Hanging out with someone you love who doesn't love you back can be really hard on your self esteem.

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Asking your host with sleeping issues to sleep on the floor is a big ask. And one your shouldn't make lightly. And one you should talk through before 10:30pm the night of. AND it sounds like he was still offering... you choose not to because that is the nice thing to do when your friend is going to be uncomfortable all night for you. But yeah... I would offer to sleep on the floor if that situation came up. I might just go home like you did. But I wouldn't sit my kind friend down and tell them they hurt my feelings by letting me know how much I was putting him out if I stayed. I would probably apologizes for putting him in that situation in the first place.

 

See my last comment. He initially offered to but I said I would take the floor but he insisted.

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Why do you think he is judging you for this?

 

You waited a while to decide if you wanted to stay at his house, and when he suggested it wasn't a great idea, you left. Seems like you took the appropriate course of action. If he has previously felt that you are obsessive over him, then it's in your best interest not to try to spend the night at his place anymore.

 

I think you're feeling bad because you wanted him to stop you from leaving. Is that correct? If I am reading this correctly, you feel rejected that he let you go rather than trying to convince you to stay. I think he was trying to be nice, but preferred you slept at your own place.

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Honestly you should feel kinda bad for inconveniencing him so much.

 

If I was in that situation, I would absolutely insist on sleeping on the floor and wouldn't accept any other answer. You seemed willing to let him take the floor instead - and I think that's a mistake on your end.

 

I agree with another poster about giving the friendship space. If an event like this is impactful enough to tell friends and random strangers about, your friendship isn't healthy for you.

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It sounds like you need to give this friendship space so you can heal. Hanging out with someone you love who doesn't love you back can be really hard on your self esteem.

 

That unfortunately is the hard part because we share many mutual friends and I feel I would jeopardize those friendships too. And I feel like I would love everyone in that group I care about. I do not want to lose any of them because I do not have many good friends I hang out with regularly.

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Honestly you should feel kinda bad for inconveniencing him so much.

 

If I was in that situation, I would absolutely insist on sleeping on the floor and wouldn't accept any other answer. You seemed willing to let him take the floor instead - and I think that's a mistake on your end.

 

I agree with another poster about giving the friendship space. If an event like this is impactful enough to tell friends and random strangers about, your friendship isn't healthy for you.

 

That part is a mistake on my part. That I own up to that part for no problem. Just wish he could have told me upfront when I first asked instead of first saying yes and then switching his mind like I did. I would have felt fine if he said no at first instead of when I was about to go to sleep.

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I don't think he deserves the guilt he will inevitably feel if you where to tell him you felt hurt etc .. he already had arrangements with one friend and then had to accommodate you at the last minute . Some things are best left and this is one of those times .

 

That is why I am just going to apologize for my short notice at the very least. I just feel like all I do is make mistakes to him.

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That part is a mistake on my part. That I own up to that part for no problem. Just wish he could have told me upfront when I first asked instead of first saying yes and then switching his mind like I did. I would have felt fine if he said no at first instead of when I was about to go to sleep.

 

You put him in an awkward situation. Would you have said no initially? Probably not. Rule of thumb: if it's clear you're inconveniencing someone, reduce their burden as much as possible (i.e., sleep on the floor).

 

He did nothing wrong here.

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That unfortunately is the hard part because we share many mutual friends and I feel I would jeopardize those friendships too. And I feel like I would love everyone in that group I care about. I do not want to lose any of them because I do not have many good friends I hang out with regularly.

 

I get it. Having a crush on a member of an intwined friendship group is hard.

 

In the past when I've been in a similar situation I took some time and hung out one on one with my friends from the group. And I had an honest discussion with the object of my crush that I was taking some space to let myself get over him so we could be friends and function well in our friendship group again. It worked! It took awhile.

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