Did I ruined this?

Would be very grateful for any advice...

I am 39 F. About 3 weeks ago one man came to my workplace for an interview and I realised a few days later he started to work for one of the companies. He stopped a few times on his way up to ask how am doing etc week later said he is going for a drink with co workers and if I like to join. I politely declined but he asked me a few times more over 2 weeks period. One day I agreed and I joined them for a drink and then two of us went to eat something. Then we went for a walk along river which ended funny as we got slightly lost. After that we went for one more drink and that was it. He gave a kiss at the end of it. I liked that but said it was too forward. He texted after to thank me for amazing evening. Next day he texted once and the day after. At work I saw him briefly passing by and he smiled few times. Once we walked to station together when we had lots of laughter. He texted me the next day "when am free for next night out after work?" I made a joke and asked if he only operates Mon to Fri. He asked if I would prefer weekend. I texted back that weekdays are fine for shorter meetings but for night out weekends are better cause I can relax etc. He then said that weekends days he likes to spend with family members but after 7pm should be fine.. Then added that we can squeeze in between a few short meetings (he is 35 by the way). This has surprised me a bit cause I did not mean to change his routine but at the same time he is busy each weekend till 7pm till the end of year?

I then responded "hey no pressure, we can meet when convenient for us both and trust me I have a life too

He said to that that it would be nice to spend more time with me as we have nice time together.

Somehow I did not respond to this message any more and left it....

This was on Wednesday and I did not hear from him since ...saw him briefly at work but either he was with colleague or me.

Does that mean I put him off? I am not sure why I didn't say "hey lets have few meetings between....sounds good" or something like that....

I am not sure if he is single...he didn't say it -he never called me once since he has my number..texted few times only.

I am worried I ruined everything

I like him, this was the best date/ non date I ever had ....we had amazing time ,could not stop talking and 6 hours seemed like 6 minutes....am gutted...was careful cause we working in the same building ..but I didn't want to ruin it ...please help me here

I gotta say I wonder if he's married or living with someone...

Why not ask him if he wants to meet up again and when, and see how it goes. Pay attention to what he says and body language to see if you can discern if he's in a relationship.

He said that it would be nice to spend more time together, and "somehow" you did not respond and left it?

Would you mind clarifying "somehow"?

Somehow I think you know why you didn't respond back, we all usually do, there is always a reason.

Playing games, disinterest, ambivalence, fear, whatever, there is always a reason.

Anyway, sounds like you had developed a great rapport, and your not responding back broke that rapport, connection.

If you want to remedy this, you need to text him and ask him out.

He more than likely thinks you're not interested, OP. You kind of blew off his suggestion of meeting after 7 on a weekend, and then didn't reply at all when he suggested spending more time together. Why would he try again when he's met with silence?

You don't just "somehow" not respond. So what was your motivation in not replying to him? There's obviously a reason but I can't begin to guess what it was.

Thank you for your input...much appreciated. I guess I didn't responded cause I was a bit surprised about his response about his weekends I.e. he is busy with family members till 7pm . Sort of strange response to someone you apparently like...no flexibility?

I also convinced myself he has someone and I look for a proof I guess ...not sure

I was fully of fears...no games just fear ...also we work in the same building ...didnt want to make awkward so I didn't initiate much. I messed up

I hate to speculate, and perhaps OP will return to explain, but if she's like other women I know, she was "shyt testing" him, to gauge his interest, and how hard he will chase to prove interest..

I used to do this myself when younger (and insecure). It's fear-based behavior.

Guys do it too! Push/pull, etc, it's all very common, especially in early stages.

I could be wrong!

What can I do now ?

What can I do now ?

Txt him and suggest getting together. After 7:00 PM on a weekend, since that time frame works for both of you.

That would be best, but if you're too 'chicken' for that (no disrespect, I've been there myself lol), send him a "feeler" text.

Engage him a bit. If he's interested, he will respond after which you can play it out.

Don't play games.

Good luck and let us know!

Thank you so much Katrina ... I actually just saw his what's app status posted at midnight last night ...from some jazz club he was ...i am sure he was not there alone ...in fact as this is video I heard female voice in the background saying " I love this ..." am puzzled ...so he dates others or maybe this was his partner ....i can't compete with nobody ...i don't have the energy and heart ..am too sensitive

Thank you so much Katrina ... I actually just saw his what's app status posted at midnight last night ...from some jazz club he was ...i am sure he was not there alone ...in fact as this is video I heard female voice in the background saying " I love this ..." am puzzled ...so he dates others or maybe this was his partner ....i can't compete with nobody ...i don't have the energy and heart ..am too sensitive

And how exactly do you know it wasn't a sister, friend, cousin, woman sitting at the table beside him?

You are making a lot of assumptions about this man. If you're going to view everything through such a self-defeating filter, you are going to potentially miss some great opportunities. Have you always been this insecure?

Even if he was on a date, why shouldn't he be? You keep dodging him. Men aren't going to just wait around for someone who is less-than-enthusiastic about seeing them.

Thank you so much Katrina ... I actually just saw his what's app status posted at midnight last night ...from some jazz club he was ...i am sure he was not there alone ...in fact as this is video I heard female voice in the background saying " I love this ..." am puzzled ...so he dates others or maybe this was his partner ....i can't compete with nobody ...i don't have the energy and heart ..am too sensitive

Sweetie, I am sometimes too sensitive too and over-reactive BUT this early on, why shouldn't he have another date?

If you expect a man you've known a mere three weeks to be exclusive, and you run off whenever you realize he's not, you will never be successful at dating.

My advice would be to stop "testing" men to gauge and prove their value/interest, tests usually backfire and you end up feeling worse! Just like you do now.

I've tested and had men test me! I usually fail miserably when testing and being confronted with tests.

I acknowledge they may "work" for some though.

But I dislike and they don't work 'for' me or 'on' me, so I'm getting away from all that, or trying to, they're disingenuous and dishonest, in my opinion.

That said, if your gut tells you he isn't the right guy for you, then leave it.

But don't let "over-sensitivity" be any sort of excuse, that is a cop out.

Again fear-based.

Learn where that fear comes from and spend some time attempting to conquer it!

You may need to push yourself a bit, step out of character to conquer.

Hell, when VERY interested, and if I think it's warranted, I've double texted, triple texted!

Nothing needy, simply reaching out.

It's good to experiment with it, builds character and confidence.

Try it! Send him a simple text, how difficult is that?

You might be surprised!

To be fair, you two aren't in a relationship, technically you aren't even dating and you ignored him because of your insecurities, now you're mad he may possibly have another date. This is self sabotaging behavior that will probably mess things up with him. My advice would be to try to get in control of your emotions a bit and try not to put the cart before the horse.

Thank you all very much. Yes , am insecure here ...i could not believe he approached me as he is younger and attractive. I am not so much although have great qualities but these can't be seen right away. So when he approached me I didn't quite believe....

You all are very right...he has right to date ...now if I will text him how would I know if he is still interested or simply polite?? Even if I would suggest a meeting he may agree out of politeness. That's why I hardly contact men....he is extremely polite and charming by the way....

Thank you all very much. Yes , am insecure here ...i could not believe he approached me as he is younger and attractive. I am not so much although have great qualities but these can't be seen right away. So when he approached me I didn't quite believe....

You all are very right...he has right to date ...now if I will text him how would I know if he is still interested or simply polite?? Even if I would suggest a meeting he may agree out of politeness. That's why I hardly contact men....he is extremely polite and charming by the way....

There's really no way to know what his intentions are and there are no guarantees. Dating isn't for the faint of heart unfortunately. I think you should reach out since you like him. Maybe try to let your guard down a little bit, I'm not saying ignore your intuition. Honestly, I'd be cautious of a younger guy too. Just don't be so cautious you stand in your own way.

@figureitout, may I ask why so cautious of a "younger" guy?

I am in my 30s and earlier this year (April/May) dated a man who is 27!

And frankly he is more mature and responsible than some 40 year old men I know!

He was working full time and studying for MBA.

We had a great time too, I actually regret breaking things off, but was not in the right "headspace" at the time and actually took a break from dating after that.

When I reached out later, after returning from long vacay, he ignored.

Anyhoo that's my story dating younger guy.

He is more mature than my ex who is 45. I cannot believe how mature he is and probably this also shocked me a bit ....the little I know him he seems amazing -like a dream man. I never felt so " light " around any man like aroubd him. It could be an ilussion ...time will show

I would only add that my concern is that he is a bit of a party man ...he is almost always out - weekdays or weekend....he told me few times he came back home 3 am during the week and was shocked how he cope at work the next day....this can be an issue as although I enjoy fun out - not to that degree....he must know million women ....that is very very worrying

Oh my bad, he's 35, I was thinking 22. An age gap like that isn't really that big of a deal.

Ella you seem to be like a yoyo. You go from being super defensive of him then you have all kinds of concerns. He's either a decent guy or he's not. What do you think you're wrestling with?

I would like to think he is a decent man. I do have concerns due to his life style I.e.party hard most of the week after work. However in general he is very kind and extremely well mannered man. He seems very mature. Our conversations were far from superficial but we also had a great fun.

Anyway I texted him and let's how this will go.

Give him a chance to show you who he is, rather than jumping to conclusions about someone you hardly know.

MissCanuck, thank you so much... I always predict the worse in men , no wonder it come true ...i create something in my head and believe in this that it become reality....

How do I give him that chance to show who he is ?

The little video is gone from his profile. Hmm let's see ...we exchanged a few texts today. Last week he mentioned that we should go to cinema so I refered to it and we will go on Tuesday. I wanted to see new movie with Idris Elba. Cinema probably not great idea cause we won't be able to talk but let's see....

The only thing is ...i have no idea if he is going cause he wants to or out of politeness. I feel weird for initiating...never done it before ..feels slightly exposed ...

So we went to cinema and was really nice. I joked that it's a cheap date cause we both have monthly tickets. He then said it is not a date and that we only hang out. Ok.

After the movie we kissed a bit. I than said I don't kiss people I hang out with. Then he said he wants more. He wants to see where this will go. But he said that in the moment...

Anyway, he texted me after to thank me for a lovely time. He asked how was my day today. No plans for next meeting.

However day before and today he was in theatre with some friends. He told me that since about 6 months he has circle of friends who are much older than him I.e. 40 -.60 and they go places.

If he would like me , wouldn't he plan things with me ? I am puzzled

So we went to cinema and was really nice. I joked that it's a cheap date cause we both have monthly tickets. He then said it is not a date and that we only hang out. Ok.

After the movie we kissed a bit. I than said I don't kiss people I hang out with. Then he said he wants more. He wants to see where this will go. But he said that in the moment...

Anyway, he texted me after to thank me for a lovely time. He asked how was my day today. No plans for next meeting.

However day before and today he was in theatre with some friends. He told me that since about 6 months he has circle of friends who are much older than him I.e. 40 -.60 and they go places.

If he would like me , wouldn't he plan things with me ? I am puzzled

You're being played. You just don't go out on an after work walk, and start kissing as though it's a normal thing. This, "let's hang out" is a joke (as though he can manipulate the situation).

You need to decide on what you want out of this. If you want to "date" him, then tell him that. While you're at it, find out if he's single, separated, divorced,... You should never be puzzled by someone's intentions.

If what he is doing fits what you want out of this, then fine. If not, then take control and do what is best for you.