Busy guy

I am dating a guy(29) who is 5 years older than me(24). He has a great career going for him, meanwhile I’m still a full time student in college and unsure of what i want to do with my life. After half a year of casual conversations, he decided to ask me out on a date one day.

I reluctantly agreed because I was in a complicated relationship but the date turned out amazing. For the next three months, we would go on more dates (once a week or every two weeks) and I’ve been so happy with whats going on but I want more.

Keep in mind, this guy is extremely busy with work and sometimes he would work 7 days a week. This is beyond what I am use to compared to my previous relationships.

One night out, we discussed what we “are”. He explained that he’s single because he works a lot and most of the girls he met couldn’t handle that.

I told him i understand and it’s definitely ok(not really) if he’s seeing other people as well. Meanwhile im seeing him exclusively. I definitely did not want to label what we are because I know I would have high expectations.

We don’t talk as often as I would love to but when we see each other, everything is perfect. At the same time, I don't want to feel like this guy is only seeing me when he wants someone around.

Recently, we planned a date on a thursday in which he cancelled due to family problems. Feeling worried, I messaged him if everything was alright and I received no replies until four days later, Monday. As a person who thinks a lot, I was pretty furious thinking he ghosted on me. When we met up, he explained that he had a bad week with one event for each day. I believe this guy, but how long does it take for you to reply to someone especially if they are worried? I spoke to my friends about this and they thought he was just testing me and seeing how i feel.

I really want things to work out between us but what should I be expecting from this person?

-Am I thinking too much?

This has nothing to do with being busy at work. I was that busy as was most of the men I dated and we didn't have cell phones for much of that time. And we all reliably kept in touch and made time for each other. The other women couldn't handle his unreliable and flaky behavior - not an issue with his work schedules. I'd let this one go because it simply could be they jrs just not that into you and you deserve better.

A text takes 5 seconds.

I dated a guy like this. I called him Busy Busy Bruce. He was always so busy, always rushing somewhere. His cancellations always had a good "reason".

I told him I thought we were in different places in life, and I went NC.

Guess what.....3 months later, he sent me this long email about how much he missed me, and he said that he was "in a funk" over losing me.

Okkkkkk......so I gave it another shot.

We had 1 nice date. Guess what he did for the second one.....you got it.....cancelled at the last minute, because something "so busy" came up. Never talked to him again.

I am so sorry to break it to you -- but this guy is using you as a placeholder. He absolutely knows by now if he would want you for a girlfriend and him not stepping up and making your relationship exclusive means exactly what you said -- he wants you there because he wants someone around. I'm sure he enjoys your company -- but he is not in love -- and men know they are in love pretty quickly.

I can tell you want more from a relationship. You deserve more. Don't let him keep using you as a placeholder. He'll move on and find another one while you continue to seek an authentic connection. Best to you.

I made sure to tell him multiple times that if he doesn’t want what we have, then let me know. And he agreed. We both agree that communication is key and we should be expressing how we feel constantly.

Should I wait it out for a few more months? He is currently on a two week vacation with his guy friends who planned it for his birthday. So i most likely wont see him for another two weeks.

You are a fill in, for when he is available.

I do not understand why you would make yourself exclusive to him. That's foolish.

There is no future with this guy. You satisfy his needs, and that's it. His actions have clearly showed that he does not care about you.

Do better for yourself.

I made sure to tell him multiple times that if he doesn’t want what we have, then let me know. And he agreed. We both agree that communication is key and we should be expressing how we feel constantly.

 

Should I wait it out for a few more months? He is currently on a two week vacation with his guy friends who planned it for his birthday. So i most likely wont see him for another two weeks.

Why are you allowing him to make all of the decisions? Demand more for yourself. You are officially in doormat territory.

I made sure to tell him multiple times that if he doesn’t want what we have, then let me know. And he agreed. We both agree that communication is key and we should be expressing how we feel constantly.

 

Should I wait it out for a few more months? He is currently on a two week vacation with his guy friends who planned it for his birthday. So i most likely wont see him for another two weeks.

I'm really confused about why you two are talking in such generalities when there are very specific issues here. I think expressing how you feel constantly is unnecessary and will quickly become boring. Be specific -tell him that when he is unreliable it affects your life negatively and of course add if it makes you feel disrespected, or badly, etc. Ask him if he is willing to put in the work and effort to see you regularly in person. Ask him if he is willing to put in the work and effort to act respectfully of your time/schedule.

When I worked crazy unpredictable hours I told whoever I was dating in advance when plans were tentative and that weekday plans might need to be cancelled last minute. They knew where they stood and they knew it was nothing personal. And i kept in touch -without a cell phone or texting.

Thank you to all who have taken their time to help give me advice! I guess I know what was going on but i was clouded by the idea that this guy is close to my ideal partner until I realize what I am and what i am not doing. Must be stronger than this right?

What leads me on is he tells me we should do lots of things for upcoming weeks/months Halloween, november parties, etc. I invited him to my coworkers birthday party and he said he’d love to go. I booked some cooking classes for his birthday and he is super excited for it. He holds my hands in public and does not care about anything. I just thought at the age of 29, this guy seem to know what he wants as he did express it himself and he said he wants to take this slow and see how things are going before we get serious with each other.

I guess the next time I see him, I will have to be upfront about how things really are.

"He holds my hands in public."

Why is this significant to you? I'm sorry, but you seem to have very low expectations of a relationship. And, future talk means little, if he is rarely available.

I guess I do have low expectations. If he is rarely available due to crazy working hours, should I not even bother? I dont know but what im holding onto is the fact that I really feel like theres something between us and he’s definitely not faking it.

I guess I do have low expectations. If he is rarely available due to crazy working hours, should I not even bother? I dont know but what im holding onto is the fact that I really feel like theres something between us and he’s definitely not faking it.

It's not that he's not available -he's not reliable and he doesn't respond to your calls. Big difference.

But, he is not available. If he can't cut back on his work, you will not be satisfied. How can you share a life with someone who is rarely around?

Is he going to reach out while on holiday?

I forgot about not contacting for four days. Hon, he is showing you through his actions that he is not into you. Don't put so much into the future talk, look at how he treats you today. Also, he would be in contact more, if he shared your feelings. I'm sorry, but you are a convenience to him, and unfortunately, you are allowing this non relationship to continue.

Holding hands is no big deal.

It's not that he's not available -he's not reliable and he doesn't respond to your calls. Big difference.

He also works 6-7 days a week.

Do you think the right thing to do is to confront this problem or just cut him off?

Do you think that he will cut back on his work for you? If not, tell him that it is not working.

This boils down to the fact that he does not want a relationship, and you are not compatible.

"He explained that he’s single because he works a lot and most of the girls he met couldn’t handle that."

This boils down to the fact that he does not want a relationship, and you are not compatible.

 

"He explained that he’s single because he works a lot and most of the girls he met couldn’t handle that."

Got it! Sometimes its hard to see the side you are avoiding until someone actually points it out. Thank you so much for helping !!

This boils down to the fact that he does not want a relationship, and you are not compatible.

 

"He explained that he’s single because he works a lot and most of the girls he met couldn’t handle that."

Yeah and guarantee when he meets the girl that knocks his socks off, he WILL be available. No matter how "busy" his schedule.

Funny how that works; I've known guys with two jobs working 12+ hour days who made themselves available "when they wanted to."

And who is this woman?

Probably a woman who is NOT so easily attainable and doesn't tolerate his BS.

Do you think the right thing to do is to confront this problem or just cut him off?

So did I. For 15 years. And I was available for serious relationships. I made the time. It helped that I dated men with similar schedules. And we made it work and neither of us cut back.

I definitely realize that I am naive and gullible since i am genuine with my feelings not talking into account that other people will not always be the same or have the same motive. also me putting myself out there and always available to him is definitely not a good idea.

I definitely realize that I am naive and gullible since i am genuine with my feelings not talking into account that other people will not always be the same or have the same motive. also me putting myself out there and always available to him is definitely not a good idea.

Nope, it's not. People will disrespect you, and treat you like a doormat.

Expect more for yourself.

Yeah and guarantee when he meets the girl that knocks his socks off, he WILL be available. No matter how "busy" his schedule.

 

Funny how that works; I've known guys with two jobs working 12+ hour days who made themselves available "when they wanted to."

 

And who is this woman?

 

Probably a woman who is NOT so easily attainable and doesn't tolerate his BS.

Totally agree!!!!

I definitely realize that I am naive and gullible since i am genuine with my feelings not talking into account that other people will not always be the same or have the same motive. also me putting myself out there and always available to him is definitely not a good idea.

But you're not being genuine with yourself and you're being a doormat with him Am- how is that genuine. He was genuine with you from the beginning - he told you most women don't put up with his schedule. He told you who he is and you didn't want to listen. Be careful with telling yourself how "genuine" you are as an excuse not to assert appropriate boundaries.

I’ve come to a conclusion that there should be no excuses for these type of behaviors. Thank you guys for making me feel empowered again.