31 yr old boyfriend left me and is extremely cold

hi, i'm a 22 year old college student who was dating my 31 yr old boyfriend for seven months until about two weeks ago (best friends for a total of three years). Turns out after a fight we had the last week of August he began talking to another girl behind my back-my 20 year old friend and colleague. He brought up doubts about our relationship two weeks ago and for about 11 days said it had to do with my lack of maturity, that we were in different places in life, that the big fight we had in August changed things, etc.

Finally after 11 days and me pushing he admitted he was emotionally cheating with me on someone for the past month. Suspecting the girl, I asked if it was her and he said no. Called her the next night and she said it was her. After hearing how serious we had been and that he had lied to her and said me and him broke up 3 weeks prior (when it was the day before)-he asked her out the day after leaving me- she confronted and left him. Probably felt guilty af. I guess they'd been dating a week and a half?

Anyway I'm struggling a lot because I come from a tradition where dating/physicality happens with the guy you marry and he knew that, and he had similar values (I thought). And yet he was physical with me while talking to this girl (no sex though bcuz religion), didn't tell me that the fight had been bothering him, etc. During those aforementioned 11 days I told him I would work on things, that I was so sorry about the fight because I thought we'd resolved it and that I would work on everything...which I was. While cheating on me he definitely tried to hold on to both me and the other girl; he said that even if he dumped me he wanted me to keep my phone open in case he regretted his decision. Now though he doesn't even want that; he wants me to move on asap, is saying bye like he cant wait for me to leave .part of me thinks he's doing either cuz A. he doesn't care about me somehow after 3 years, or B. he wants me out of the picture so my friend is more amenable to dating him.

This was the guy who said he loved me all the time; with whom I had three years of amazing history and we went through so much to be together. And when I spoke to him a couple days ago (after she left him and me and her both confronted him)... he was like we just weren't compatible; I didn't want to try anymore; just go on and move on as soon as you can. How is he so apathetic?

How did he give up on 3 years of friendship and companionship so readily for a girl he'd been talking to for a month? When I chatted w/ him a few days ago he said things like we weren't compatible; we had to break up; "ill always appreciate the effort you put into our friendship and relationship"; "i didn't want to work on it anymore; "i stopped caring about taking care of things" (things being I guess ... his love for me?). He wanted to marry me. I don't understand what happened. I'm broken. have since blocked him on whatsapp because i had been asking him to do it (in addition to deleting any photos of me on his phone and throwing away my gifts)-and he refused on all three counts.

how do i resolve my guilt, yearning for him...and understand how he just threw away everything so easily? not just our relationship but our friendship. I could write a book about our friendship but we've been inseparable for the past three years essentially.

I thought maybe he was cold to me because I had talked to his mum and cousin about what occurred (as I was close to them), as well as mutual friends...but I feel like that still doesn't explain it.

He absolutely could be angry with you because you spoke to his mom and cousin. His actions sound like he is being resentful. So maybe he's upset because the other girl found out the truth too and dumped him. Either way, it doesn't sound like he respects you and you have to base your decision on how he's treating you now, not how wonderful he was in the past.

Perhaps with some time, he'll settle down and miss you and want to talk. If you want that, you can tell him you're open to having a discussion about all that went on in your relationship when he's ready--even if it's just for closure. Maybe he will come around. If he doesn't and he's willing to dump your friendship and your relationship so quickly, then he's really not worth you fretting over him. Cut your losses. You're young and someone out there will be great for you.

Yeah. I sent him this email that was kind of a litany of inside jokes/memories. It feels like he's at this weird cold apathetic point though where none of it means anything to him. But I wanted to at least send it to him so maybe one day he'll look back and remember and care. IDK how his heart went hard all of a sudden. This girl isn't Beyonce like she isn't the type to make your current girl look terrible in comparison. Plus she left him several days ago, although yesterday he was messaging her saying imu, please talk to me, etc. She didn't call him back and blocked him. So I guess now he's gonna feel how it is to be alone (with neither his girlfriend or the girl he cheated on her to be with).

Definitely give him a chance to be alone so he can evaluate how he feels. Let him miss you and wonder what you're doing. You sent him the email of memories, let him think about that and do your best not to reach out to him. You might find that he will reach out to you soon once you're no longer there...

You kind of brushed over the whole no sex because of religion thing but I suspect a 31 year old man has expectations that you weren’t living up to.

Hi so he knew from the start that I wouldn't have sex before marriage. This other girl is of the same belief system. So IDK what would prompt him to emotionally cheat with her.

OK. Will do. So far I've blocked him on most avenues except my phone to ensure I don't contact him first.

How is he so apathetic?

He's just pissed that he was caught, and that you ruined his chances with the other girl.

I know you had a three year friendship, but honestly (and I don't mean this to be offensive) I don't a single 28 year old who could be best friends with a 19 year old, let alone for three years! To me, that says this guy was a little behind the curve to begin with.

Sadly, there is no easy way to resolve your guilt or yearning. That's something that takes time to fade. Just remember that you didn't make him cheat. He always had a choice.

He's just pissed that he was caught, and that you ruined his chances with the other girl.

 

I know you had a three year friendship, but honestly (and I don't mean this to be offensive) I don't a single 28 year old who could be best friends with a 19 year old, let alone for three years! To me, that says this guy was a little behind the curve to begin with.

 

Sadly, there is no easy way to resolve your guilt or yearning. That's something that takes time to fade. Just remember that you didn't make him cheat. He always had a choice.

What do you mean by behind the curve? Like I know our friendship was unusual but it was mutual and it did last three years...how did he throw it away just like that for a girl he talked to for a month? Did he ever care about me?

He did care about you, he just saw something shiny he liked and wanted to pursue.

I don't think it's weird that you two were friends. One of my closest friends is over 20 years younger than me. We just get each other.

He did care about you, he just saw something shiny he liked and wanted to pursue.

 

I don't think it's weird that you two were friends. One of my closest friends is over 20 years younger than me. We just get each other.

So when guys cheat do they instantly stop caring about the other person? Because he is extremely apathetic toward me now. Like doesn't give a . Told me I should move on asap and that he appreciated the time i put into the friendship+relationship, etc...hurtful stuff. IDK maybe he thought at the time he still had a shot with the other girl so he wanted me gone. Just don't get any of this.

They stopped caring about the relationship BEFORE they cheated, not after.

My ex cheated on me, then left me for the girl he cheated with. He stopped wanting to be with me the instant he met her. I was there when they met and I saw that he was blown away by her. I knew he'd fallen in love with her immediately and would eventually try to get with her. After that, I was an annoyance, something he had to deal with. But once he got rid of me he was with her full-steam. He only contacted me when they'd fight.

Instead of wondering "WHY, HOW??", just focus on taking care of yourself.

how do i stop blaming myself. i keep thinking if i had been different he wouldn't have left me for someone else.

I guess something else i keep thinking about is...you hear about men cheating, and then admitting it to their significant other...but then trying to work at it? In this case it was like he wanted to break up so he could pursue this other girl more.

What do you mean by behind the curve? Like I know our friendship was unusual but it was mutual and it did last three years...how did he throw it away just like that for a girl he talked to for a month? Did he ever care about me?

Behind the curve in the sense that most 28 year olds don't share much in common with 19 year olds. But of course there are exceptions.

As for whether he cared for you or not.... I can only speak for myself, but in the past when I've had a roving eye while in a relationship, I took care to end my relationship before pursuing the next person. In my opinion, that is the only respectful thing to do. I think that people who lead their partners on while courting another behind their back do not truly care for or respect people. Maybe he thought he cared about you, but he may not know what it means to truly care about another person. As they say, actions speak louder than words.

And by the way, his bad behavior is not your fault.

how do i stop blaming myself. i keep thinking if i had been different he wouldn't have left me for someone else.

How about thinking "If he was the right one for me he never would have treated me this way"?

Or even, "if he was a decent person, he never would have treated me this way."

i miss my best friend. it's like he changed overnight. i know he didn't but im so flummoxed.

IM AN IDIOT OMG I didn't know Linkedin freaking shows that you viewed their profile...this is really sad but I was looking at his Linkedin profile page like every day ever since I started NC over two weeks ago...cuz I missed his face and blocked him on other channels. I DIDNT KNOW THEY GIVE THE OTHER PERSON NOTIFICATIONS I FEEL LIKE I MESSED UP NC.

Have blocked him on Linkedin now too.

That sucks. But haha that's what you get for being bad

I think it only does that if you're a premium member.

That sucks. But haha that's what you get for being bad

 

I think it only does that if you're a premium member.

naw im not Premium but i still got a notification when he viewed my profile. THATS when I realized every time I looked at his profile he probably got notified T-T He was probably wondering why the heck I kept checking his Linkedin omg kill me

Nope, LinkedIn notifies the person each time their profile is viewed. And it tells them who viewed it.

What were you hoping to see on his profile?

Oh, I see. My profile is set on private mode.

Nope, LinkedIn notifies the person each time their profile is viewed. And it tells them who viewed it.

 

What were you hoping to see on his profile?

I think I was frankly just looking at his picture cuz I deleted all of mine on my phone. sigh

You may have thought you had 3 wonderful years with him, but I think that you have probably gotten your first look at the real him.

I think the main reason he broke up with you is that he is attracted to a newer person. Your "relationship" has outlived its course. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on.

Oh, and the reason he lied to you is that he is a liar. My ou can kid yourself into believing he lied because he felt guilty. No, he lied because he doesn't want people to know he is dishonest and lies.